I'm forced to dam the tears
A practice made perfect through the rough years
Not because I don't care
Not because I can't care
Not because I don't want you to know they're always right there
But because if I let them begin to pour
I can't convince myself I could stop them anymore
There's a nonzero chance I could be crying for years
Long past the pain and far beyond the fears
So I **** the tears

©2024

I see you had a bad day
Thinkin' things you shouldn't say
No other choice but to stay and pay to play
Can't even stray away from your own cliche
Doomed by strands of DNA
Failed every single attempt in every possible way
In desperation you kneel to pray
No answer today...
...same as yesterday

©2023

I've shut down so completely it's profound and I've now lost touch with reality
What I want to be and what I'll never be eventually co-mingle and become one entity
The blasphemy, the phony sanctimony and hypocrisy blast from me
I try awkwardly to juggle all three, run 'em up the flag pole, wait and see
Hear ye, hear ye...another blunder here for your amusement, come see
Woe is me! An empty plea for pity ******* by a request to be put out of my misery
It's plane to see, at least by me, that I'm my own worst enemy, I'm no friend to me
Bad karma stacks rapidly atop the early onset of senility
Losing my mind was an inevitability but that was my only company
...now it's only me...
The notion that behind every smile you'll find your happy is, in it's self, a fallacy

©2023

I want to be anything but me
Not always obviously
But often definitely
Specifically when that pesky negativity
Has a death grip on my personality
And brings out the ugly

©2024

(First draft)

An authentic smile defeated then deleted long ago, zero chance of winnin' stretchin' all the way back to my beginnin'
It was a genuine expression that slowly melted to an unrecognizable reflection
All pigmentation givin' way revealin' a secondary, ghostly stand in
Granted, it happened in my formative years before I was abandoned due to the mutation
But the impact has been felt through forty somethin' calendars and countin'
A true representation of life's failed mission, I'm guessin'
Not necessarily my opinion but one every other person is holdin', no question
Still wouldn't say it's been a waste but the needles strongly leanin' towards no reason for existin'
An overall lack of position, doesn't seem like I was designed to fit in, that is if my life has been any indication
I manage to make it to and through the proverbial one more day but where's the lesson?
This just feels like non-monetary extortion of a life-sized portion
Take far more than what's given, with or without permission
I'm still in competition with myself, the prize, livin'
The compromise, loosin' myself in a broken system or durin' the transition
The eradication of an inner companion, replacin' compassion with aggression, smooth sailin' with frustration, no direction, no validation
The transition to curmudgeon happened earlier than expected, drawin' parallels from the curious case of Benjamin Button
Not for nothin', the infestation of negative thoughts caused a mutation inside and out, completely loosin' what it means to be human
It's not a lose lose situation, and it sure ain't win win, and any other option, I'm guessin', got lost in translation
But I'm pretty sure somethin's gotta end in order for another somethin' to begin, at least that's what I'm hearin'
Still can't find a reason that justifies the conviction, is what I'm feelin' damnation? Is what I'm seein' my own creation?
It could just be that no matter what I'm not goin' to enjoy the conclusion, not allowed to settle on your preferred endin'
No fat lady singin', just a band playin' as I feel myself sinkin' into oblivion so pardon me for givin' up on salvation
It should go without sayin' but you're waistin' away waitin' for divine intervention, be careful what you use for inspiration
It may not be your intention, but there's no hate like the love of a christian, I'm just sayin'
Pay attention, who you're praying to every day may not be the one listenin'

©2023

...but what do I know?
🎶"Absolutely nothing"🎶
...well, what am I good for?
🎶"Absolutely nothing"🎶
...what do I have to offer?
🎶"Absolutely nothing"🎶
...what CAN I do right?
🎶"Absolutely nothing"🎶
Never allowed to forget I forgot to remember

©2023

It's my fault
It's my fault for thinking someone willing to lie from day one could be the one
It's my fault
It's my fault for thinking that my love would be worth someone's full attention
It's my fault
It's my fault for brushing off caution like, "it's not a red flag, iiiiit's more of a crimson"
It's my fault
It's my fault for being a coward when this time, maybe for the first time, there is no reason
It's my fault
It's my fault...fuuck it...whatever...it's always my fault, I'm done..find another sucker to pick on

©2024

I got hit with that one trick pony line
Luring my anxiety,
AND insecurity,
To the frontline
Apparently I do mind
My mind will make sure to remind
Ignoring useful comments I find
And not just the kind kind
Too anything positive I'll become blind
A one track mind, singularity defined
Creating new shackles that bind
A self enforced redesign
Leading me to leave a select few talents behind
Choosing thoughts from another's mind to get behind
Because that one guy that one time
Tried to take from me the one thing I liked to give my time
But here's the bottom line,
I've found I rather enjoy expressing in rhyme
Hurt and pain just happen to be most of what I've felt for a long time
So that's what comes out
When I pour my heart out
Into each and every line
Let me apologize in advance for next time

©2024

Lips sealed, forced quite
One rivet, two rivet
There we go, three otta do it
Last step here is to blow both eardrums with a dangerous harmonic
Ah, there we go, perfect
But I forget
This negativity comes from a resident
One living rent free from infancy in my attic
And amidst my constant panic
I barricaded the wrong side of the door by accident
Now help can't get in to stop the punishment
AND
I'm trapped inside my head with a lunatic
Obviously this is problematic
Hear no evil, see no evil but the mind is never silent
A silver tongue tyrant, my downfalls conduit
I know it knows I'm on to it
But a relic like toxic thoughts doesn't give a shiit
I've proven I can't go toe to toe with it
My wins are really just me escaping THE moment
It can return to being a problem at ANY moment
It never fights fair, super over dramatic
Big signs posted, "Bipolar, Beware", looking post apocalyptic
Wait, how many are against me in here? I thought "me Vs the world" was more just symbolic
Ritualistic hunter and the hunted, predator and prey, animalistic
Unapologetic
No one ever sees the bouts, to barbaric to air it
Try to grin and bare it but it's apparent
I can no longer dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge the bombastic rhetoric
And I've literally just locked myself in with the traumatic and away from the public
I don't feel safe in here with myself and don't know what to do about it...

©2024

I tried to resurrect you in every thought I had
I tried to connect through words on a notepad
I have tried to let go of the sad
I tried every coping mechanism I had
...you weren't even a good dad...

©2024

Don't tell me you love me if you can't say it publicly
Why put THOSE words in THAT order only for them to ring empty?
Ahh, sneaky, sneaky
You didn't think I noticed but I did, walked through the door with it on your right pinky
How'd you let the value you placed on the ring I placed on your finger drop below a hay penny?
Ignored on the ground with hardly a glance cause you "have plenty"
Was that the plan from the start, to pull the shoot early?
We were side by side, we said for all eternity, and you didn't think I'd see?
I know the words needed for that phrase are still in your vocabulary
But they're now spoken differently
Just another thoughtless thought runnin' through a smooth brain, produced automatically
Not calling you dumb, 'cause you've played me for a fool expertly
To speak it comes easy, literally learned at the tail end of infancy
Follow through is a entirely different story
It slips through those lose lips sporadically but it doesn't feel like they're actually for me
Just kinda, sorta vaguely directed in my general vicinity
Even still, to get even that takes a little prompting...unfortunately
They no longer spring forth and sooth this broken heart organically
I can no longer consider it a deep rooted feeling, it's just reactionary
Forget accuracy, this isn't satisfactory
Meanings mean nothing to you and, honestly, I find no truth in your "honesty"
I really wanted my theory on your true feelings for me to be phony
I've never wanted to be wrong so badly
But you prove me right daily and twice nightly
I no longer trigger any desire for intimacy
Fine, I guess, can't force that, it's gotta come around naturally or it doesn't do it for me
But your rejection of literally every attempt and advance from me I'm finding to be too costly
Bye bye confidence, so long ****** identity
Couple years before 40 and I already have to accept there'll be no ****** activity
Haven't been rejected this much through the entirety of my journey to ****** maturity
Feels like a search and destroy mission focused on my psyche
Absolutely crushed mentally and emotionally
And here I was thinking it was I that had an unlovable personality
You forced me to think that about me
Like I'm not even good company
I wish this would have worked out differently
And yet still, what I want even more is for you to agree
How pathetic of me

©2024

My thoughts
They can get scary
It's threats, more often than not, not empty
It's hard to convey what they say
They whisper a fray of cliche self hate with 41 years to work it's way to this level of decay
It's all consuming, engulfing then removing positivity 'til it's so scarce I'm left to pretend mostly
A sparse landscape of depravity naturally
Clear cut to make way for the fear factory
The soul fractures, now solely fear so to ward off lonely I let it stay
Not knowing how to play
Leaves me in the dark on what's at play

My thoughts
They aren't worth a penny
My two cents is free
I'd pay you to take them all completely
Is there a chance it gets messy?
Abso-freakin-lutely
But oh what a hero you could be
Imagine it up on a marquee, shining brightly
"Some dumb fuuck, a heros story"
(A family movie)
I'll be the monkey in the middle, come meet me
Come greet me and see purgatory, my state of temporary suffering and predetermined misery
What I'm forced to portray is only done cause I must obey or pay some ******* up penalty
Knowing I am the game and the prey, feeding a self-righteous gluttony
How much more do you want from me?
How much more must I contort for thee?

©2024

A bad hand delt, a crippling hopelessness felt
In possession of a heart that can't and won't melt
Whipped unmercifully with a tanned hide belt
So often in fact it no longer leaves a welt
Only a lonely darkness under this human pelt
Always knew when the fear was near by how bad it smelt
And out of respect, or maybe terror, every time it arrived, I knelt

©2023

The grand scheme, void of me, stands in stoic devotion
To zero compulsion
It holds no emotion
What a notion
I'm feelin' like a single plankton
In a vast ocean
Aimlessly floatin'
In a seemingly meaningless motion

©2023

With each and every smile the lie grows
Gotta live with this Pinocchio nose
Black out curtains dress the windows
So, I suppose,
The only parts of me I expose
Are silhouette shadows

©2024

...it's like a separate entity
One that doesn't like me
In fact, it tells me it hates me
As it berates me then blames me
I'm at a loss and lost
Can't even tally the cost
It's burned every bridge I've crossed
And left a heart encased in a permafrost

©2024

A man with a hundred faces but nameless with one voice
A thousand thoughts a second but one life to live it, where's the choice
Never found much of a reason to rejoice
Worthless or not worth it, the math's not adding up on this invoice

A million phrases, can't remember faces
Thoughts escape the mind, breaking free of their cages
The visual is heinous, it feels dangerous
I can't explain what's going on but they tell me this is only the beginning stages

Time turns pages but they're all reflective, hold them to the flame, more failure through the ages
Dr Jekyll lost, tossed into the void, annoyed as Mr. Hyde rages
Whatever it is, for everyone else's sake, I hope it's not contagious
Stay cautious

©2024

"I don't like this, I don't want to be here"
Well, add a "T" here or move on
The PURSUIT of happiness is the right they mention
Remember though, it's an emotion
And just like every other one
It too isn't healthy to always be on
A better life is the big con
Middle class gone
Devide and conquer worked to perfection
Mostly 'cause half the population
Can't do long division
Can't trust a single politician
Corruption now the backbone of religion
Founding fathers knew the importance of separation
But those who've cherry pick the bible from generation to generation
Now want the option too cherry pick the Constitution
It no longer matters what's right and wrong
Just belt out your fight song
If you don't like something go get your march on
Or hit the gong
Pretend your conviction is strong
And when your judgement comes along
There's nothing you can do but end up where you belong

©2024

Only God can help you now and and I don't see him here, do you?
I asked you a question motha plucker!! DO! YOU! SEE HIM?! He's certainly nowhere in my view
What's he gonna do, bust in her on some kind of divine rescue?
Kick the door off the hinges and run through, swoop you up and save you?
As a grown asss man how does that idea not perplex you?
If he exists he's forgotten all about you, he's forsaken all but a few
And the slough of sins you've happened to accrue became an issue
He's turned a deaf ear to every sincere word you've ever cried into that pew
Oh but you've never been alone, the devils there for us all
To answer the desperate call for help when our life's in a free fall
When we pledge to give anything for that one thing we believe to be a cure-all
Turn to an inadamint object for a sec for a possible answer to it all
"Oh magic eight ball...is there even any hope for me at all?"
"Not a chance" reads on the small dice, that's when you offer up your small life
Hand over your soul and heart packaged nice in a Ziploc bag full of ice
And at that percice moment he hands over your dreams but at a price
As eventually the good days splice off giving way, showing your sacrifice
A new nightmare trasnforms from your paradise, what once was used to entice
Turns to a vice that's twice as powerful when used as an evil device
And of course, by then, it's far to late to stop this from happenin'
The Lord's furry captured by a heathen stolen through the Golden gate, taken from heaven
Good heavens, where's Chris Evens? We need the captain
But a heros shield held by a broken zero is a domed zeppelin
Soooooo...I win, dark beats light again
I've racked up so many that we should change that old time sayin'
The one about how light always trumps dark cause I leave no question
Leave no doubt in anybody's mind that good doesn't always come out the champion
If you've ever watched any wrestlin' you've seen that the heel or the villian
Gets his hand raised often, over and over again and god willin'
I'll can keep continuin' this stylin', profilin', limousine ridin', jet flyin', kiss-stealin', wheelin' n' dealin' with a little added blood spillin' till my will 'n passion come unfastened or to an abrupt end
That's your only hope so I hope it doesn't ever happen

©2023

We are not the same, I am not like you
And that's not a flex 'cause honestly I constantly try too hard to
Every new "new me" falls apart moments after it's debut
If I stay true to who I am I promise you not a single person will enjoy that view
No one ever has, no one ever will, it's almost a skill, bullshido kung-fu
I've already been told, "look around fool, not a soul likes that you."
"You have nobody buddy except for maybe the presence of two"
"But only 'cause they don't know what's truly lurking beneath the surface level you"
Just a few more things I wish weren't true but life never forgets to remind me right on cue
It cuts right through, fills the blue, will be what leaves me the same permanent hue
The new question becomes do I need more than a few? Do I want a big crew?
And will they even stick around without some sort of voodoo or glue?
I have no clue, but it's never for long if they ever decide to
So what's a guy to do?

©2023

Digging my own grave with only the handle of a shovel
That's the level of commitment that I bring
But I should tell you this one thing
That also means I have lost the battle
Probably because I could never gain control
Up such and such creek with no paddle
No shanty to sing
Mistakenly trusted an Icarus wing
But that was years ago
Here I am, still stuck in the flow
For what seems like a couple hundred millennia or so
Combating my own soul
Laughing and mocking
The relentlessness is life altering
Landing a career ending swing
Not declaring but taking it personal
And I think I just realized I'll have nothing to show
No,
That's impossible
Win or lose I present as a broken man not worth repairing
And hey,
That's still something

©2024

Everything I can't show is what's going to put me right back in the hospital
This blatant cycle of denial is far beyond getting out of control
The pileup looks physically and mentally insurmountable
How can one person run into so much trouble?
It's unmeasurable
Eyes forced shut, but it's not always safer in there, alone and vulnerable
Behind a pane of pain, only view is through this soulless porthole window
Find it hard to dream when life itself seems just about impossible
I've lost control of this roadside attraction freak show carnival
It's too much to juggle,
And that's why I struggle

©2024

I feel safer somewhere cold and dark
Like my lonely, ransacked heart
At times it has played the part
Tucked behind a fleshy rampart
Casting a stark silhouette,
Becoming somewhat of a trademark
Can't remember when it lost it's spark
It had to have been sometime, way back,
Before the halfway mark
The memory gets a bit hazy,
Especially when trying to recall the start
What I get to deal with now is,
Just how quickly it all fell apart

©2024

You thought I was falling apart before
But at that point I still had my feet on the floor
Now, I don't even see the ground anymore
No clues on what I'm in store for
For now or for forever more
Did I drift or swim out far to far from the shore?
I'm far further than a metaphor can illustrate, further than ever before
Memories so distant they've been redesignated as basic lore
What more can you do when you've lost your core
And it was you who held open the door...
...once more

©2024

Always different but somehow not new
That's the only way I can frame this walkthrough,
The day to day I walk through
To look through these eyes is not something I'd wish on any of you
At best it's glitchy level design, I can't get a map I don't fall through
Worst, this is all predestined,
like wrestlin',
Every blow right on queue
A nonconsensual change of view
Not only but mostly due to the view of what relentlessly plays out in the minds eye,
A prisonesque venue
I didn't use faulty glue to put this mess together,
Who would choose this to turn into?
Nobody buddy,
Bad seeds planted in toxic soil is why this shiit you see here grew
This isn't the standard "good plan gone askew"
This miniscule piece of timeline was doomed from debut
In every story there's never enough time to repair before I will predictively have to leave you
At least according to the solo read through
Please forgive me for I loved you the only way I knew how too
My "how-to" example did more damage than I could undo
This is already more than anybody expected me to amount to
These aren't woven excuses, this is off the cuff, from the heart impromptu
I just want you to be the one who doesn't see me like they do
I know that's a lot of me to ask of you

©2024

I've always been the kid in the hall
Outside the office door of some metaphorical "principal"
Donning a dunce cap, back to the wall
Anticipation spikes in general
This time it's special
When waiting for the next hypothetical, often hypocritical, shoe to fall I make it a double
Dribble and drop the ball
Taking on the challenge of life was a bad call
The order's too tall, don't try it y'all
What I've been given to work with is abysmal
Can't rely on it being factual at all
A criminally out of date owners manual
A For Dummies series appealing to a low level criminal
Vaguely creating, and/or aiding, this failure ritual
Oh the unmitigated gall
Scheduling my burial service to take place before the funeral
Fuucking brutal
I hate it and it seems the feelings mutual
The line stepping is habitual
The backward motion is perpetual
Not sure any of this is avoidable
But, what do I know...
...everything and nothing is impossibly possible

©2023

They tell me, they promise me, I'm not alone
But I can only go by what I've always been shown
Unwanted, undesirable, freek show, just a small sample of all I've known
I wish my inner abuser would adapt another tone
I don't own my own thoughts, any positive feeling is only on loan

People act like I hone in on this curse to be worthless
Like I thirst to be anxious
Like I have to coerce this anger and bitterness
Like I enjoy being immersed in the hopeless
Like my first thought is the worst on purpose
Like I enjoy all my deep rooted issues constantly rising to the surface

Then comes the question that brings me back to reality
"What are you doing to get control of this? Not enough certainly"
Honestly that's another cog in the circle mosh pit of misery, part of the continuity
I'd give anything for it to be as easy as everyone claims it should be

Because what most people see from me is rehearsed
My final diagnosis can not be reversed
The totality of my issues couldn't possibly be unearthed
But that doesn't change the horrible landscape I've traversed
I wouldn't be able to tell you what I'm worth, all I know is...
...I am this, for what it's worth

©2024

You break my heart every day and twice nightly
Hell, I'd rather be lonely
I'd rather be lonely
Than to be rejected by my one and only
I'd rather be lonely
Than feel unwanted by another claiming they love me
I'd rather be lonely
Than completely dismiss the better half my personality
I'd rather be lonely
Than watch you act like it's a chore to explore a little intimacy
I'd rather be lonely
Than to witness you go out of your way to avoid my advancements like they're icky
I'd rather be lonely
Than feel more unwanted than I did through my first 40
I'd rather be lonely
sigh
I can't imagine anybody actually choosing to be lonely
But here I am, holding out for my somebody to join me

©2024

If you were to say I've done a lot wrong
You would be right
If you were to say I knew right from wrong all along
You would be right
If I were to say I know I will win this fight
I would be wrong
If I said at the end of this tunnel I see light
I would be wrong

©2024

With the flippant fear of a proudly clueless onlooker, another forgettable observer
I stare out over the breaking waves to see if I can't see a few things clearer
In a sense in search of innocents and the essence of this monstrous heckler I've been entrusted to not only tame but conquer
Maybe find bits and pieces of meaning here or there for this opaque character and it's seemingly insignificant blip on life's radar
They say all of our lives are important and as a whole they are, for sure, but A life, singular, doesn't even measure
On a timeline reaching back past the beginning of forever to the outer limits of what we know so far it can't possibly matter
Somewhere in there is an answer but I swear, don't let it be just another jump scare
I can bare no more, take me outta here becomes the newly revised prayer screamed into the ether
I'm not the star here, nor did I properly prepare for the cameo roll in my own B movie disaster picture.
I've done what was asked of me even when not fare, even as the nightmare went unchecked, haunting my every endeavor.
If this is expected to go on for the foreseeable future how much of my downfall am I going to be held accountable for?
Every battle the same as the one before, it can be torcher but y'all clap with the desire for an encore
Like your entertainment and the roar of the crowd is what I'm just barley holding on for
Then the face of an absent father figure puts a untimely hand on my shoulder, a whisper of congrats for making it though yet another war
That's every **** day sir, so excuse me for not going out of my way to carpe any of those diems mother fuucker
At the same time
I was so sure that I was finally able to procure the mindset to endure my own lour
But nobody seemed to eager to tell me that reality is a relentless attention *****
Making sure to hide the shore and provide only a broken ore to navigate a sea of insecure insecurities hell bent on devouring my core
Can't help but to take a little more than a fare share when there's so much dispair and dispair is their preferred flavor
And that's what I'm in store for, give or take some gore just to mitigate the bore
Remove all signs of the cancer and watch the stock soar, can't prosper dragging a dead weight anchor
Cut ties and wave goodbye to the failure, take out the pinch hitter cause that personality wasn't any better
A life changer for the better, now willing and wanting to keep score as a reminder of how bad it was before
Never again let the dark passenger take the wheel and steer, unless it's to steer clear
Forget looking backward, remove the rearview mirror and note the side mirror as truth, the atrocities are far closer than they appear
Tossin' small bits of anarchy out the driver side window, flipping the bird and quoting the Raven, "nevermore."
But I forgot why for

©2022

Does the score even matter when it's no longer about a win
Past, present and future always battlin'
While I try my damnedest to locate a viable position
Cause really I just want to keep playin' or at least keep that an option
And for the long run

©2024

What is this that I've let build up inside of me?
I'm only human, I get lonely
So, at first, it's easy to see why I didn't really mind the company
...at first...
With every attempt to shine a light on it, it seemed to get more ugly and angry
Personally becoming so entangled in my past I found myself imprisoned in my head, lost away and locked the key
Mass delusion feeds mass confusion obviously
Abused by depression and anxiety
Used simultaneously as prison guards to keep me here in captivity
A single inmate maximum security penitentiary
Making a mockery of my first 40
While I watch the worst of me became the only me
I foolishly pretend no one else could possibly see
As behind the scenes I try to wiggle free for a second or three
In an attempt at some sort of damage control on this fragile soul and fractured mentality
Trying in vain to make sense of the recipe
'Cause if this is how it's supposed to be
Then someone's going to need to explain to me
Exactly why my straight to TV, B movie horror mystery
Was scripted to be such a difficult and seemingly impossible journey
Where's the humanity?

©2024

Left alone with a mess to pick through
Searching for a statement true
I don't trust you
Can't trust you
Won't trust you
And that's on you
But I'm the one who's left with all the blue
And yet I still refuse to use the phrase "fucck you"
Shiit, it's all true
Isn't it,
How is it
I'm the last who knew?
A perma-fool
Who's stuck on you

©2024

If I were to slip and fall
Relinquishing the saddle
Once and for all
A clear sign of a lost battle
Would they lie just a little
Pretending it's a riddle?
Would I be Jeremy still
Or just the latest ashes on a relatives mantle
Unable to get a grip on a life with no handle
Forced into being a monkey in the middle
Avoiding the ferry man becomes a new struggle
Will I hear a verdict from a god or a devil?
Or choose for 'em, trying to make it all simple
Thanks too the highway install
And despite all the people
It's far quicker to stroll into hell
And the toll is only one soul

©2024

Any second now,
I could come face to face with an enemy
Sent by a deity
With the soul purpose to immediately
End this agony
But I can guarantee
I'm not that lucky

©2024

My head is everywhere BUT in the game
Existin' and livin', my very own ball and chain
I walk the walk, a strut of shame
I wouldn't recognize a day without a cripplin' amount of pain
Physical or brain
Far more damaged under this fleshy terrain
I've lost the safety line between insane and sane
I'm lost beyond what I could not contain
Low to no visibility, can't see through the fog and rain
Not a chance in hell I'm coming out of this the same
A constant strain on this average Joe camouflage membrane
One I've made to hide what I'm made of, keeping the real me out of frame
I'll take the skill, you go ahead with the fame
If it's destiny who needs a strategy, why train?
What happens to the rest of me when there's no more life force to drain?
If I knick a main artery vain would you then know that I am not playin' around when I say all pain, no gain
Don't need no stupid prize so I won't play your stupid game
It's rigged anyway but that's why you came

©2023

Oh where, oh where is the puppeteer?
Surely he's moved on to another career
Up and left a lot of us just hanging here
Swung gently by a lonely gust of meandering air
As we masquerade as some fleshy chandelier
What could've happened to cause a reaction so severe?
No surprise to the wise that a why has never been made clear
Knowing nothing but to my right is doubt, to my left is fear
Needless to say, that's all I'm privy to hear
Day in and day out, long enough that it's easier to tally by the year
I was unaware that a situation could even be cavalier
I've held onto memories that now serve as an unwanted souvenir
And no one can know for sure, but I believe I just shed my last tear
But that doesn't mean the emotions disappear, no, they just blur and cohere
With a jump scare they premiere as unfamiliar in a mirror
But I have no desire, I don't have the will to explore a new frontier
Hey, look here, is that salvation or an end that draws near?
I'm going to stick around just to be clear on who's here
Cause I've been fool before by an imposter Paul Revere

©2024

An endless search
For before the hopeless
Prior to the pain
Pre drowning in sadness
It must be there
That rare moment of bliss
I can't FUCCKING remember,
"Has it always been like this?"
A lost sliver of memory
Eerily missing the feeling like a lipless first kiss
The want and drive evident
But before it all, most memorable, there to trigger the fall, my evil twin, Sir Anxious
I tear up as I absorb old videos
Finding the smile in milestones of my son, a present I was pleasantly present to witness
"...ah, there it is,
My piece of bliss
An unchecked happiness
Oh how I miss this..."
But I did this,
I have no business
Asking for a witness
Or forgiveness

©2024

Okay, okay, geeze
They're only follies
I'm sorry, have mercy,
I can surrender no further,
I plea on my knees
Doesn't matter how hard you squeeze
There's nothing left,
I have nothing left
I'm begging you please
When you leave,
Just deposit me by the other empties

©2023

The wind screamed outside
And yet I wasn't afraid
I engaged and took the ride
Accepting the path that it made
It lead me out of my own mind
It was beautiful, I danced and I played
But I returned terrified
Because it looks like I could fall on my own blade

©2024

...being a beacon for darkness
...being a deacon of evil
...seeing no evil regardless
...seeing honesty as a hurtle
...restating unholy responses
...restating there'll be no upheaval
...ruling with no conscience
...ruling different for different people
...playing your god against us
...playing yourself in the process
...knowing none of it is real
...knowing if it is your going to hell

©2024

A minnow that's forgotten it's in water
A buzzard who's forgotten it's wings
A primate with no hands and feet
A star with no mass

©2024

{expanded version}

If life was a day...
What would a day in the life look like?
Would you dream with no time to bring said dream to light?
With no time to heal would you put up a fight?
With little time to work on yourself would you even listen to another's plight?
It would eliminate the full spectrum of pain and hate
But the cycle of love and that connection would be on the same connecting flight
Couldn't enjoy the finer things, no more designer things
No time to trend, no time to reach that hight
Would there be time to worry about right and wrong, would you learn wrong from right?
I don't know...I might

©2024

The sun and moon eliminates
The draining darkness life creates
But my past constantly berates
As my future wiggles free and escapes

©2023

{revised version}

So,
You're back to question me
About this litny of negativity
To discover who or what misled me
But I know exactly who done it
Let me clear up the conspiracy theory
Place me in font of a mirror and look closely
Who do you see?
Me?
That's correct, very good, but the rest of the frame isn't empty
Take notice of the oblivious guilty party directly behind me
Particularly the one with the nerve to be judging me
Here,
Let me get out of the picture so the visual can be absorbed entirely

©2024

Anyone that's ever said cash doesn't equate to fun has never had none
They've never had to wonder where their next meals gonna come from
Never been one wrong move away from watching your life become an undesirable one
Never seen a bright future as an attainable one
I'm sure we've all shared a park bench at some point with someone
But has it ever been overnight, shivering, posted up with a veteran ***?
Never been an unsung hero, never feasted on a moldy bun
Never had to decide whether to pay some of this bill or a little bit of that one
Never had a car run on hope and fumes, never relied solely on your heat to come from the sun
Can't see the glass half full or half empty, a waterless situation
Never looked at a gun and thought it the best possible outcome
No option but to literally try to out run your problem
But you can't cause you wanted to stay "grounded" so you cut every tendon
So much tension, it's got ya looking at the knife again thinkin' it could relieve some
Never laied at your lowest point to weak to get up and been looked down on
It's a sad truth how unbelievably common it is to stumble upon...
This, but ignorance is bliss so no action to fix the problem is taken
You might have been one of these people had you walked in a different shoe when it all begun

©2018

You say quote, "it should be easy to see" that you love me
Promising me, biyearly, that I'm your one and only
Your heart was supposedly given to me willingly
But you kept the key
So I wait endlessly for you outside the entry
I pine for you in spite of me
Yet you waste no desire on me
Avoiding anything resembling intimacy
Can't even toss me something phony
Hiding that half of your beauty from me
While forcing me to ignore that better half of me
Both instantly and,
It's occurred to me more recently,
Possibly for all eternity
Won't ******* like I'm somehow below me
I faintly remember you'd at least pity fuuck me
Now I seem to turn you off completely
Acting like you need to do absolutely nothing sexually
Literally refusing to be seen hand in hand in public with me
You constantly go out of your way to physically avoid me
The reason?
Because you know you've hooked me already
Leaving you to instantly cancel the pageantry
But is it to much to ask to willingly snuggle up close to me?
Hell...it must be...
Because you're giving off that type of energy
While ******* the entirety of my passion till my souls empty
Not s single thought on how this might affect me
You've more that just damaged me
But go ahead and ignore what's going to finally break me completely
No, really
Step back through the stage curtain and curtsy, you've beat me

©2024

I don't have enough room up there for it to be all in my head
From the heaping piles of motionless dreams strewn across the floor, looking pretty dead
To the racks on racks on racks in multiple mile high stacks of things I wish I'd not said
Can't put the issues to rest if I myself can't drum up the will to get out of bed
It's not strictly fear I feel whilst preparing for checkout, it's the overbearing weight of dread

©2024

The conversation
That I'm havin'
With my sin
Is frightenin'

Acts like a friend
Knows the motion
It knows when
To dig in

Where do I end and it begin?

Hand in hand
We both land
In quicksand
Like it planned

Flames are fanned
I'll be ******
Whoop *** canned
Right on brand

I took a stand and lost command

Me against myself against I,
I am not alright
This darkness can not be conquered by light
I keep my feelings bottled tight, out of sight
Why do I hide?
Me against myself against I,
But who is right?
All I gotta do is make it through another night
No time to address it, I don't wanna fight
That's why I hide

©2023