I wish it was as easy
As you say it should be
To turn concern inwardly
Then, ultimately emerge again when successful in identifying the key to victory

I wish it was that easy
But I don't have it in me
I can't make clear the complexity
Of why I can't even be the me I need me to be to feed my family properly

I know I make it easy
To shame me, to pity me
To chain me to the pit of my own misery
Just don't let my last breath be what finally makes you take my plea seriously

You know as well as me
It's not as easy as "To be or not to be"
No further questions please
Until I free me,
I'll be in my headspace if you need me...

©2024

I have to conquer more fear than a mobile home in an Oklahoma trailer park
So yeah, you can say life's violently left it's mark
But here's the worst part
There's no back to the start
I can't be rebuilt after being torn apart
I'm already a patchwork monster, a piece of work but not art
And as like Dr. Frankenstein, the creator is the monster and only half as smart

©2024

(song)

Talk to me, trust me to listen
Allow me see what everyone else has been missin'
Feel free to be exactly the person you are
Call out to me knowing I'll never be too far
I know you've been hurt, I know I've played a part
Allow me the chance to unbreak your broken heart
I understand your stance on never again
I just want to see that smile returned to my best friend

Tell me,
What makes you happy and
Tell me,
What makes you sad
Tell me your best day and every one that's turned out bad
Tell me,
What makes you laugh and
Tell me,
What makes you mad
Tell me your nightmares and every dream you've ever had

Step to the side and I'll respect the space
Turn to me when in need of a warm embrace
When you have something to say I'll be a captivated audience
When you can't find the words, we can sit here in silence
If you want to fly I'll help mold your wings
Let us set sail to find what tomorrow brings
The future is unknown, let's write out own ending
You could do it alone, I know, so know it's a desire to be accompanying

Tell me,
What makes you happy and
Tell me,
What makes you sad
Tell me your best day and every one that's turned out bad
Tell me,
What makes you laugh and
Tell me,
What makes you mad
Tell me your nightmares and every dream you've ever had

We aren't perfect, never strive too
Two broken people applying our own glue
We want but we don't need
Together, never been more free
Making this breed of love we feeeeeeeel more than real

Tell me,
What makes you happy and
Tell me,
What makes you sad
Tell me your best day and every one that's turned out bad
Tell me,
What makes you laugh and
Tell me,
What makes you mad
Tell me your nightmares and every dream you've ever had


(Possible bridge or outro)

...makes you happy...makes you sad
...your best day... rescript the bad
... your laughter...so cute when mad
...together in all the dreams being had

©2023

During one of my falls I must have accidentally gave a rain dance performance
A permanent grey cloud overhead, only mine, quite a thing to witness
It's a hindrance, I can't rid it from my existence, I'm not in the fix-it business
Would the hyperbolic y'all know the opposite to reverse this by chance?
I know what you'll be witness to looks bad from a distance at first glance
I understand, I've stood right there too, in that same cautionary stance
And why lie?
Persistence only dug my hole deeper, shoveling in a trance
I'm just a living, breathing being needing guidance and patience
And it's it to much to ask for an actual two sided romance?
But we can work on that last...

©2024

We are all hiding something aren't we?
Let's be fair
From the moment we wake and look in that mirror
We rush to change what we first see there
All we do is spin our little lies
**** in that gut,
Color that hair,
Twist off that wedding ring,
Pretend to not care
And why not?
What's the penalty?
What are the consequences, really?
All is forgiven when you start usin' the phrase
"I'm only human"
But what if the cruel hand of fate twists you into something different then what you've been?
Into that undesirable other
Who, if anyone, will forgive you then?

©2024

Dax-
To Be A Man

~My Verse~

I can't hide myself
I don't expect you to understand
I just hope I can explain, what it's like to be a man
It's a lonely road
And they don't care about what you know
It's not about how you feel, but what you provide inside that home

-----------------------------------------

This life's relentless and heartless, regardless, it happens every day
It's obvious, I'm not good at this, why was I cast in this role anyway?
A character I never planned to play, never auditioned, never signed my life away
I didn't ask for this, showed zero interest, explain to me why I gotta stay?

But that's the depression, pushin' and pullin', convincin' me I'm nothin'
I wish it was bluffin', I gotta do somethin', I know I shouldn't keep runnin'
Win or loser the only options given, as the pressure builds, I must keep it from showin'
Turn failures to lessons, allow angers regression, rememberin' my son's always watchin'

-----------------------------------------

I can't hide myself
I don't expect you to understand
I just hope I can explain, what it's like to be a man
It's a lonely road
And they don't care about what you know
It's not about how you feel, but what you provide inside that home

©2023

The wind screamed outside
And yet I wasn't afraid
I engaged and took the ride
Accepting the path that it made
It lead me out of my own mind
It was beautiful, I danced and I played
But I returned terrified
Because it looks like I could fall on my own blade

©2024

I tried to resurrect you in every thought I had
I tried to connect through words on a notepad
I have tried to let go of the sad
I tried every coping mechanism I had
...you weren't even a good dad...

©2024

I see you had a bad day
Thinkin' things you shouldn't say
No other choice but to stay and pay to play
Can't even stray away from your own cliche
Doomed by strands of DNA
Failed every single attempt in every possible way
In desperation you kneel to pray
No answer today...
...same as yesterday

©2023

I pray I live to the day
I can open myself in a way
That would clearly portray
In full HD 4K on an IMAX display
Just how my mind has done me wrong in the worst way

©2024

My first mistake;
Going to Icarus to learn how to fly
In essence shrinking the distance to a wrap of pine
Resting eternal, days fly by
But never again will a day go by
Where I'll see another dark cloud looming in my sky
Where I'm headed there is no sky

©2024

A new found enjoyment, not heaven sent
Still drawn to it like a moth to a flame

Don't share in my regret, promise to stay distant
I couldn't bare to see you in this much pain

Find me ambivalent to some extent
To take another step if it's in vain

Notice I'm hesitant to place a bet
L's stack shame on top of shame atop my name

Life itself's a debt, lest we forget
The plot and grave are one in the same

A dark passenger resident denise me residence
How did I lose access to my own brain

To myself I'm a threat, morality bent
Just so I'm not always going against the grain

Don't care 'bout bein' relevant, never permanent
But pain finds a way to remain

No clue what it meant is a poor argument
Would rather not waste time trying to explain

One day you might get it, wouldn't count on it
Strange to be your very own ball and chain

Go 'head and attempt it, see no safety net
You WILL become one with the terrain

Flesh and bone, neck and neck racing to pavement
Then witness the insane riddled membrane

Always defiant, against my better judgement
Probably should have stayed in my own lane

No deterrent to embracing my inner deviant
A full embrace of the profane

Won't seek atonement, least not at the moment
I only wish the only option was to remain

There's a death certificate, a signed suicide document
The growing black mark on my heart is more than a stain

So here I sit, trying to make sense of it
Unknown, alone and forgotten out in the rain

Selfimprisonment, a life sentence recipient
The issues with my DNA, infecting every strain

©2023

The grand scheme, void of me, stands in stoic devotion
To zero compulsion
It holds no emotion
What a notion
I'm feelin' like a single plankton
In a vast ocean
Aimlessly floatin'
In a seemingly meaningless motion

©2023

When I say I care little about you
Please know it's the absolute full amount of truth
I hate that I can't scream it at you
Won't forget all you put us through
Just another father on paper, a DAD tattoo
I swore it wouldn't be a preview
Now I look in the mirror and take a swing at you
I try to break through to this other dimension too pull you through
Take back a lifetime that doesn't belong to you
Do my best too squeezed it out of you
Count to three, pull on two, forced to play and pay what's due
Not on queue, but life caught up with you
Couldn't have happened too a more deserving fool, though way overdue
I didn't cling to tissue, I knew I wouldn't miss you
Already grieved for you back in '02
And I knew I'd never let the son of your son know you
Not as a man I knew, not as nothin' but a cautionary tale of what not to do
With both middle fingers to the earth I say thank you

©2023

...it's like a separate entity
One that doesn't like me
In fact, it tells me it hates me
As it berates me then blames me
I'm at a loss and lost
Can't even tally the cost
It's burned every bridge I've crossed
And left a heart encased in a permafrost

©2024

My thoughts
They can get scary
It's threats, more often than not, not empty
It's hard to convey what they say
They whisper a fray of cliche self hate with 41 years to work it's way to this level of decay
It's all consuming, engulfing then removing positivity 'til it's so scarce I'm left to pretend mostly
A sparse landscape of depravity naturally
Clear cut to make way for the fear factory
The soul fractures, now solely fear so to ward off lonely I let it stay
Not knowing how to play
Leaves me in the dark on what's at play

My thoughts
They aren't worth a penny
My two cents is free
I'd pay you to take them all completely
Is there a chance it gets messy?
Abso-freakin-lutely
But oh what a hero you could be
Imagine it up on a marquee, shining brightly
"Some dumb fuuck, a heros story"
(A family movie)
I'll be the monkey in the middle, come meet me
Come greet me and see purgatory, my state of temporary suffering and predetermined misery
What I'm forced to portray is only done cause I must obey or pay some ******* up penalty
Knowing I am the game and the prey, feeding a self-righteous gluttony
How much more do you want from me?
How much more must I contort for thee?

©2024

(song)

I'm only human
I am not perfect...
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it...
Yeah, I'm only human
I'm only human

Sometimes I don't wanna carry on with this life another day, but that ain't the thing to say, at least not out loud anyway
My carry on is baggage and part of me but can't stay? I need it to remind myself what had hurt me along the way
It's completely intertwined with my destiny, seemingly by design, forged by my raw history gone astray
So not by the fire burning within per say but rather by a flame that got carried away, lighting up my dismay
Not a phoenix, no rising from the ashes, I just claimed them as my own then created a home
A collection of stone after stone thrown in my direction become the cornerstone of the foundation I raised all alone
Harvest my own backbone to support the load, structural integrity is homegrown
Get blown down, just rebuild, try to hone my skill to out will what I've sown

I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
I don't know what you expect of me
Yeah, I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
Understand all I can be is just me

**** and moan, scream and cry to an empty auditorium, my lithium battery drained and I don't know where to go get some from
All thumbs and numb, fumbled the mission, what's done is done, can't be undone, self reflection is no fun so I play dumb
When reality hit it stung, my demon won, a surprise to no one, all attempts to enter the ring ended with me caught up in the top wrung
Can't predict the future but I see the inevitable outcome, only one lonely track on this self titled album
Said track is a sad song, repeat stuck in the on position and so loud I didn't get off stage at the sound of the gong
Not only did I play the biggest part of my downfall but tragedy overshadowed comedy in this parity type sitcom
I can pin point precisely when and where it all went wrong but can't explain why I kept on this particular path for so long
Prayed for help then buried my head in the sand before it came along, popped up only to find it already gone

I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
I don't know what you expect of me
Yeah, I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
What you see is the only me I can be
I'm only human, yeah, I'm only human
I'm only human, yeah, I don't feel human
...what am I doin'?

I slip and trip more often than not, trapped in the web of a side plot, main story got lost in the shuffle, it happens a lot
Forgot to implement basic self maintenance leading to rot spreading to every thought
So I question the thought that I ought not lower my defenses, got caught in the in between, can't connect, lost a dot
Struggled with the day to day, fought just to get to a level playing field, all for naught
Yes, it was me, I did it, I hit the self destruction button too quick but it didn't say elimination, it was simply labeled quit
No mention of a death certificate or that it would make the feelings of my inadequate existence permanent
I couldn't keep my whits about me, lost sight of what was important, my insecurities the culprit
Don't think for one moment though that attention is why I did it, it most certainly isn't

I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
I don't know what you expect of me
Yeah, I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
What it is you see in me

Responsibly taken, still forsaken, got front row seats to my damnation but it's a rerun that I'm tired of watchin'
Internalized everything behind blue eyes, an examination taken place with no follow up explanation given, why are the results always hidden but lurkin' right outside my field of vision
The implosion of my life left a broken man child chokin' on the pieces left and your sinister laugh proves you think I'm jokin' or just enjoyin' what you're seein'
The implication bein' that there's no salvation, no savin', tried on the shoe and continue to wear it, it fits to perfection
Pretend not to listen so you can't be guilted into any type of action at all, and so you're not looked at as responsible
And that's reasonable, you let out a little nervous laugh and giggle cause it makes you feel uncomfortable
And that's just a small taste compared to my mouth full, out of mind, out of sight not possible
The blowback was powerful, not mindful of everything I don't know, what I do know now is I was never in full control

I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
I don't know what you expect of me
Yeah, I'm only human
I am not perfect
I don't know what you want from me
No, I may not be stupid
I may just not get it
This isn't the me I want to be
I'm only human, yeah, I'm only human
I'm only human, yeah, I don't feel human
...define being human?

©2022

A minnow that's forgotten it's in water
A buzzard who's forgotten it's wings
A primate with no hands and feet
A star with no mass

©2024

Truth doesn't care what you think
Truth will hunt you down quietly
Truth is often cold and bleak
Truth knows it'll catch up eventually

Lies are just secrets nobody can keep
Lies break you down unapologetically
Lies are not solely used by the morally weak
Lies devour the whole soul entirely

Truth is hidden by the lies we seek,
the falsehoods we speak
Lies don't stay hidden naturally,
falling apart gradually, at times, instantly
Truth turns to lie with a simple tweak,
a false win streak, don't peek
Lies will always be part of humanity, but how much of that statement is tragedy?
So maybe the lies aren't as bad as we think...what do you think?
Be honest now, don't lie to me

©2023

Searching wildly
Mind and heart
Panics arrival forever untimely
Becoming flailing limbs in the dark
Desperately feeling for a way toward a way to put it mildly
Never finding more than a question mark
Tripping on everything I should have already put behind me
Blindly trying to look over everything said from the start
Only finding it's the same as before the start mark
I'm sorry to report
All I can find,
All I really have
Is another sorry sorry
One more weightless apology

©2024

I've shut down so completely it's profound and I've now lost touch with reality
What I want to be and what I'll never be eventually co-mingle and become one entity
The blasphemy, the phony sanctimony and hypocrisy blast from me
I try awkwardly to juggle all three, run 'em up the flag pole, wait and see
Hear ye, hear ye...another blunder here for your amusement, come see
Woe is me! An empty plea for pity ******* by a request to be put out of my misery
It's plane to see, at least by me, that I'm my own worst enemy, I'm no friend to me
Bad karma stacks rapidly atop the early onset of senility
Losing my mind was an inevitability but that was my only company
...now it's only me...
The notion that behind every smile you'll find your happy is, in it's self, a fallacy

©2023

A man with a hundred faces but nameless with one voice
A thousand thoughts a second but one life to live it, where's the choice
Never found much of a reason to rejoice
Worthless or not worth it, the math's not adding up on this invoice

A million phrases, can't remember faces
Thoughts escape the mind, breaking free of their cages
The visual is heinous, it feels dangerous
I can't explain what's going on but they tell me this is only the beginning stages

Time turns pages but they're all reflective, hold them to the flame, more failure through the ages
Dr Jekyll lost, tossed into the void, annoyed as Mr. Hyde rages
Whatever it is, for everyone else's sake, I hope it's not contagious
Stay cautious

©2024

I've always been the kid in the hall
Outside the office door of some metaphorical "principal"
Donning a dunce cap, back to the wall
Anticipation spikes in general
This time it's special
When waiting for the next hypothetical, often hypocritical, shoe to fall I make it a double
Dribble and drop the ball
Taking on the challenge of life was a bad call
The order's too tall, don't try it y'all
What I've been given to work with is abysmal
Can't rely on it being factual at all
A criminally out of date owners manual
A For Dummies series appealing to a low level criminal
Vaguely creating, and/or aiding, this failure ritual
Oh the unmitigated gall
Scheduling my burial service to take place before the funeral
Fuucking brutal
I hate it and it seems the feelings mutual
The line stepping is habitual
The backward motion is perpetual
Not sure any of this is avoidable
But, what do I know...
...everything and nothing is impossibly possible

©2023

(First draft)

An authentic smile defeated then deleted long ago, zero chance of winnin' stretchin' all the way back to my beginnin'
It was a genuine expression that slowly melted to an unrecognizable reflection
All pigmentation givin' way revealin' a secondary, ghostly stand in
Granted, it happened in my formative years before I was abandoned due to the mutation
But the impact has been felt through forty somethin' calendars and countin'
A true representation of life's failed mission, I'm guessin'
Not necessarily my opinion but one every other person is holdin', no question
Still wouldn't say it's been a waste but the needles strongly leanin' towards no reason for existin'
An overall lack of position, doesn't seem like I was designed to fit in, that is if my life has been any indication
I manage to make it to and through the proverbial one more day but where's the lesson?
This just feels like non-monetary extortion of a life-sized portion
Take far more than what's given, with or without permission
I'm still in competition with myself, the prize, livin'
The compromise, loosin' myself in a broken system or durin' the transition
The eradication of an inner companion, replacin' compassion with aggression, smooth sailin' with frustration, no direction, no validation
The transition to curmudgeon happened earlier than expected, drawin' parallels from the curious case of Benjamin Button
Not for nothin', the infestation of negative thoughts caused a mutation inside and out, completely loosin' what it means to be human
It's not a lose lose situation, and it sure ain't win win, and any other option, I'm guessin', got lost in translation
But I'm pretty sure somethin's gotta end in order for another somethin' to begin, at least that's what I'm hearin'
Still can't find a reason that justifies the conviction, is what I'm feelin' damnation? Is what I'm seein' my own creation?
It could just be that no matter what I'm not goin' to enjoy the conclusion, not allowed to settle on your preferred endin'
No fat lady singin', just a band playin' as I feel myself sinkin' into oblivion so pardon me for givin' up on salvation
It should go without sayin' but you're waistin' away waitin' for divine intervention, be careful what you use for inspiration
It may not be your intention, but there's no hate like the love of a christian, I'm just sayin'
Pay attention, who you're praying to every day may not be the one listenin'

©2023

Any second now,
I could come face to face with an enemy
Sent by a deity
With the soul purpose to immediately
End this agony
But I can guarantee
I'm not that lucky

©2024

Don't tell me you love me if you can't say it publicly
Why put THOSE words in THAT order only for them to ring empty?
Ahh, sneaky, sneaky
You didn't think I noticed but I did, walked through the door with it on your right pinky
How'd you let the value you placed on the ring I placed on your finger drop below a hay penny?
Ignored on the ground with hardly a glance cause you "have plenty"
Was that the plan from the start, to pull the shoot early?
We were side by side, we said for all eternity, and you didn't think I'd see?
I know the words needed for that phrase are still in your vocabulary
But they're now spoken differently
Just another thoughtless thought runnin' through a smooth brain, produced automatically
Not calling you dumb, 'cause you've played me for a fool expertly
To speak it comes easy, literally learned at the tail end of infancy
Follow through is a entirely different story
It slips through those lose lips sporadically but it doesn't feel like they're actually for me
Just kinda, sorta vaguely directed in my general vicinity
Even still, to get even that takes a little prompting...unfortunately
They no longer spring forth and sooth this broken heart organically
I can no longer consider it a deep rooted feeling, it's just reactionary
Forget accuracy, this isn't satisfactory
Meanings mean nothing to you and, honestly, I find no truth in your "honesty"
I really wanted my theory on your true feelings for me to be phony
I've never wanted to be wrong so badly
But you prove me right daily and twice nightly
I no longer trigger any desire for intimacy
Fine, I guess, can't force that, it's gotta come around naturally or it doesn't do it for me
But your rejection of literally every attempt and advance from me I'm finding to be too costly
Bye bye confidence, so long ****** identity
Couple years before 40 and I already have to accept there'll be no ****** activity
Haven't been rejected this much through the entirety of my journey to ****** maturity
Feels like a search and destroy mission focused on my psyche
Absolutely crushed mentally and emotionally
And here I was thinking it was I that had an unlovable personality
You forced me to think that about me
Like I'm not even good company
I wish this would have worked out differently
And yet still, what I want even more is for you to agree
How pathetic of me

©2024

I'm forced to dam the tears
A practice made perfect through the rough years
Not because I don't care
Not because I can't care
Not because I don't want you to know they're always right there
But because if I let them begin to pour
I can't convince myself I could stop them anymore
There's a nonzero chance I could be crying for years
Long past the pain and far beyond the fears
So I **** the tears

©2024

What is this that I've let build up inside of me?
I'm only human, I get lonely
So, at first, it's easy to see why I didn't really mind the company
...at first...
With every attempt to shine a light on it, it seemed to get more ugly and angry
Personally becoming so entangled in my past I found myself imprisoned in my head, lost away and locked the key
Mass delusion feeds mass confusion obviously
Abused by depression and anxiety
Used simultaneously as prison guards to keep me here in captivity
A single inmate maximum security penitentiary
Making a mockery of my first 40
While I watch the worst of me became the only me
I foolishly pretend no one else could possibly see
As behind the scenes I try to wiggle free for a second or three
In an attempt at some sort of damage control on this fragile soul and fractured mentality
Trying in vain to make sense of the recipe
'Cause if this is how it's supposed to be
Then someone's going to need to explain to me
Exactly why my straight to TV, B movie horror mystery
Was scripted to be such a difficult and seemingly impossible journey
Where's the humanity?

©2024

We are not the same, I am not like you
And that's not a flex 'cause honestly I constantly try too hard to
Every new "new me" falls apart moments after it's debut
If I stay true to who I am I promise you not a single person will enjoy that view
No one ever has, no one ever will, it's almost a skill, bullshido kung-fu
I've already been told, "look around fool, not a soul likes that you."
"You have nobody buddy except for maybe the presence of two"
"But only 'cause they don't know what's truly lurking beneath the surface level you"
Just a few more things I wish weren't true but life never forgets to remind me right on cue
It cuts right through, fills the blue, will be what leaves me the same permanent hue
The new question becomes do I need more than a few? Do I want a big crew?
And will they even stick around without some sort of voodoo or glue?
I have no clue, but it's never for long if they ever decide to
So what's a guy to do?

©2023

Casper
That's the name they gave me
The intentions weren't friendly
They used it mockingly
Albeit creatively
Because my skin was alabaster pasty,
I was Jack Skelington skinny
And, apparently,
My blond hair and blue eyes weren't manly
So then,
I embraced it and turned it on them ceremoniously
No more Casper the Friendly,
Just Casper the Deadly
Turned to the ghost that gave nightmares to Freddy
Made the devil look heavenly
That persona went at any and every enemy
But now that I'm 40
I've let that part of me leave me
Though it was the only part of me that believed in me
The scratched up side of my flipped penny
...I miss is secretly...

©2024

Does the score even matter when it's no longer about a win
Past, present and future always battlin'
While I try my damnedest to locate a viable position
Cause really I just want to keep playin' or at least keep that an option
And for the long run

©2024

You break my heart every day and twice nightly
Hell, I'd rather be lonely
I'd rather be lonely
Than to be rejected by my one and only
I'd rather be lonely
Than feel unwanted by another claiming they love me
I'd rather be lonely
Than completely dismiss the better half my personality
I'd rather be lonely
Than watch you act like it's a chore to explore a little intimacy
I'd rather be lonely
Than to witness you go out of your way to avoid my advancements like they're icky
I'd rather be lonely
Than feel more unwanted than I did through my first 40
I'd rather be lonely
sigh
I can't imagine anybody actually choosing to be lonely
But here I am, holding out for my somebody to join me

©2024

You thought I was falling apart before
But at that point I still had my feet on the floor
Now, I don't even see the ground anymore
No clues on what I'm in store for
For now or for forever more
Did I drift or swim out far to far from the shore?
I'm far further than a metaphor can illustrate, further than ever before
Memories so distant they've been redesignated as basic lore
What more can you do when you've lost your core
And it was you who held open the door...
...once more

©2024

Oh where, oh where is the puppeteer?
Surely he's moved on to another career
Up and left a lot of us just hanging here
Swung gently by a lonely gust of meandering air
As we masquerade as some fleshy chandelier
What could've happened to cause a reaction so severe?
No surprise to the wise that a why has never been made clear
Knowing nothing but to my right is doubt, to my left is fear
Needless to say, that's all I'm privy to hear
Day in and day out, long enough that it's easier to tally by the year
I was unaware that a situation could even be cavalier
I've held onto memories that now serve as an unwanted souvenir
And no one can know for sure, but I believe I just shed my last tear
But that doesn't mean the emotions disappear, no, they just blur and cohere
With a jump scare they premiere as unfamiliar in a mirror
But I have no desire, I don't have the will to explore a new frontier
Hey, look here, is that salvation or an end that draws near?
I'm going to stick around just to be clear on who's here
Cause I've been fool before by an imposter Paul Revere

©2024

From my view, while side eyeing beyond the periphery
I basically see a place that's not a place anybody would actually choose to be
But when it's the landscape of your own psyche
It's hard to see any way out of the intensity that will always accompany insanity
And no one can hear your inner voice plea for much needed mercy
Begging yourself to set yourself free
But this inescapable captivity is your eternity
But it just occurred to me,
I can't tell if this is free will or destiny...
Did I choose to fall slowly?
Maybe I decided to come undone gradually
Or did some higher power think this was best for me?
Either way's bad news for my trajectory  
Zero possibly of a redemption story
No guts
No glory
Just constantly repeating "sorry"

©2024

If you don't mind Mr Betts,
Can I call you Mr Betts?
Yes? Great
Mr Betts,
I'm going to keep this brief
i'd like to go through a few Q&A's
Off the record as always
And no apologies
~~~
Have you ever tried not being a priick?
Or attempted to not mess up shhit?
Every feeding and helping hand,
Innocently presented,
Got bit
Your past can't always be the culprit
The future shouldn't be viewed as unimportant
That opens the door for thoughts of forfeit
Forced to be reactant
Bilt a bridge to get over it
The craftsmanship is always immaculate
Admired from entrance to exit
Then, in the very next moment,
There's always a head turn to confirm it
A ***** and Gomorrah double take to make sure the thing stayed lit
Though you've never turn to stone or **** a brick
It's not a one time incident
I'm sensing that punishment is no longer a deterrent
It isn't, isn't it?
The troubling news is...you guessed it
Everyone's reclaiming their investment
Or eating the cost, willing to take the loss just to be done with it
Setting a telling precedent of embarrassment
One with an abundance of resentment
All the while, this battle internal is constant
Brought on ironically by an antidepressant
Raging against tendencies of a suicidal mindset
It's crazy how ugly things tend to get,
Within a quarter of a heart beat minus a minute
In other words, it's instant
Good luck, you're gonna need it."

©2024

I don't have enough room up there for it to be all in my head
From the heaping piles of motionless dreams strewn across the floor, looking pretty dead
To the racks on racks on racks in multiple mile high stacks of things I wish I'd not said
Can't put the issues to rest if I myself can't drum up the will to get out of bed
It's not strictly fear I feel whilst preparing for checkout, it's the overbearing weight of dread

©2024

The words you spoke to me,
What feels like a century ago actually,
Still haunt me
Mocking me constantly
The rabid hostility
The unbridled brutality
Back then that's all I could see
At the time I was only capable of being angry
It took twenty plus years for me to finally
Recognize it for what it was, a difficult piece of honesty
From a friend I called family, and I'm not one to use that term lightly
But now you're no longer here to hear my apology
So I say my sorry
And hope it catches up with you eventually

©2024

...but what do I know?
🎶"Absolutely nothing"🎶
...well, what am I good for?
🎶"Absolutely nothing"🎶
...what do I have to offer?
🎶"Absolutely nothing"🎶
...what CAN I do right?
🎶"Absolutely nothing"🎶
Never allowed to forget I forgot to remember

©2023

...being a beacon for darkness
...being a deacon of evil
...seeing no evil regardless
...seeing honesty as a hurtle
...restating unholy responses
...restating there'll be no upheaval
...ruling with no conscience
...ruling different for different people
...playing your god against us
...playing yourself in the process
...knowing none of it is real
...knowing if it is your going to hell

©2024

Only God can help you now and and I don't see him here, do you?
I asked you a question motha plucker!! DO! YOU! SEE HIM?! He's certainly nowhere in my view
What's he gonna do, bust in her on some kind of divine rescue?
Kick the door off the hinges and run through, swoop you up and save you?
As a grown asss man how does that idea not perplex you?
If he exists he's forgotten all about you, he's forsaken all but a few
And the slough of sins you've happened to accrue became an issue
He's turned a deaf ear to every sincere word you've ever cried into that pew
Oh but you've never been alone, the devils there for us all
To answer the desperate call for help when our life's in a free fall
When we pledge to give anything for that one thing we believe to be a cure-all
Turn to an inadamint object for a sec for a possible answer to it all
"Oh magic eight ball...is there even any hope for me at all?"
"Not a chance" reads on the small dice, that's when you offer up your small life
Hand over your soul and heart packaged nice in a Ziploc bag full of ice
And at that percice moment he hands over your dreams but at a price
As eventually the good days splice off giving way, showing your sacrifice
A new nightmare trasnforms from your paradise, what once was used to entice
Turns to a vice that's twice as powerful when used as an evil device
And of course, by then, it's far to late to stop this from happenin'
The Lord's furry captured by a heathen stolen through the Golden gate, taken from heaven
Good heavens, where's Chris Evens? We need the captain
But a heros shield held by a broken zero is a domed zeppelin
Soooooo...I win, dark beats light again
I've racked up so many that we should change that old time sayin'
The one about how light always trumps dark cause I leave no question
Leave no doubt in anybody's mind that good doesn't always come out the champion
If you've ever watched any wrestlin' you've seen that the heel or the villian
Gets his hand raised often, over and over again and god willin'
I'll can keep continuin' this stylin', profilin', limousine ridin', jet flyin', kiss-stealin', wheelin' n' dealin' with a little added blood spillin' till my will 'n passion come unfastened or to an abrupt end
That's your only hope so I hope it doesn't ever happen

©2023

I can not change a past future
And it's lookin' ever more likely I can't alter tomorrow either
Hell,
I might not make it through today's slaughter
If something doesn't go in my favor
The odds stack higher and higher
Then are topped with a dumpster fire
It's forever getting harder
To change the mindset of, "why bother?"
I desperately search out shelter
To begin another attempt at a repair
Go figure,
Once again it's a hopeless endeavor
It has me grasping at any answer
Like gasping for air
No thoughts of grandgure here,
Just a father in battle worn armor
But a desperate depression's taking over
Still holding a glimmer of hope, just a sliver
And a half-hearted prayer not to falter
While they tell me I can't possibly know what's in store
I beg to differ...

©2024

Everything I can't show is what's going to put me right back in the hospital
This blatant cycle of denial is far beyond getting out of control
The pileup looks physically and mentally insurmountable
How can one person run into so much trouble?
It's unmeasurable
Eyes forced shut, but it's not always safer in there, alone and vulnerable
Behind a pane of pain, only view is through this soulless porthole window
Find it hard to dream when life itself seems just about impossible
I've lost control of this roadside attraction freak show carnival
It's too much to juggle,
And that's why I struggle

©2024

With the flippant fear of a proudly clueless onlooker, another forgettable observer
I stare out over the breaking waves to see if I can't see a few things clearer
In a sense in search of innocents and the essence of this monstrous heckler I've been entrusted to not only tame but conquer
Maybe find bits and pieces of meaning here or there for this opaque character and it's seemingly insignificant blip on life's radar
They say all of our lives are important and as a whole they are, for sure, but A life, singular, doesn't even measure
On a timeline reaching back past the beginning of forever to the outer limits of what we know so far it can't possibly matter
Somewhere in there is an answer but I swear, don't let it be just another jump scare
I can bare no more, take me outta here becomes the newly revised prayer screamed into the ether
I'm not the star here, nor did I properly prepare for the cameo roll in my own B movie disaster picture.
I've done what was asked of me even when not fare, even as the nightmare went unchecked, haunting my every endeavor.
If this is expected to go on for the foreseeable future how much of my downfall am I going to be held accountable for?
Every battle the same as the one before, it can be torcher but y'all clap with the desire for an encore
Like your entertainment and the roar of the crowd is what I'm just barley holding on for
Then the face of an absent father figure puts a untimely hand on my shoulder, a whisper of congrats for making it though yet another war
That's every **** day sir, so excuse me for not going out of my way to carpe any of those diems mother fuucker
At the same time
I was so sure that I was finally able to procure the mindset to endure my own lour
But nobody seemed to eager to tell me that reality is a relentless attention *****
Making sure to hide the shore and provide only a broken ore to navigate a sea of insecure insecurities hell bent on devouring my core
Can't help but to take a little more than a fare share when there's so much dispair and dispair is their preferred flavor
And that's what I'm in store for, give or take some gore just to mitigate the bore
Remove all signs of the cancer and watch the stock soar, can't prosper dragging a dead weight anchor
Cut ties and wave goodbye to the failure, take out the pinch hitter cause that personality wasn't any better
A life changer for the better, now willing and wanting to keep score as a reminder of how bad it was before
Never again let the dark passenger take the wheel and steer, unless it's to steer clear
Forget looking backward, remove the rearview mirror and note the side mirror as truth, the atrocities are far closer than they appear
Tossin' small bits of anarchy out the driver side window, flipping the bird and quoting the Raven, "nevermore."
But I forgot why for

©2022

A bad hand delt, a crippling hopelessness felt
In possession of a heart that can't and won't melt
Whipped unmercifully with a tanned hide belt
So often in fact it no longer leaves a welt
Only a lonely darkness under this human pelt
Always knew when the fear was near by how bad it smelt
And out of respect, or maybe terror, every time it arrived, I knelt

©2023

Digging my own grave with only the handle of a shovel
That's the level of commitment that I bring
But I should tell you this one thing
That also means I have lost the battle
Probably because I could never gain control
Up such and such creek with no paddle
No shanty to sing
Mistakenly trusted an Icarus wing
But that was years ago
Here I am, still stuck in the flow
For what seems like a couple hundred millennia or so
Combating my own soul
Laughing and mocking
The relentlessness is life altering
Landing a career ending swing
Not declaring but taking it personal
And I think I just realized I'll have nothing to show
No,
That's impossible
Win or lose I present as a broken man not worth repairing
And hey,
That's still something

©2024

They tell me, they promise me, I'm not alone
But I can only go by what I've always been shown
Unwanted, undesirable, freek show, just a small sample of all I've known
I wish my inner abuser would adapt another tone
I don't own my own thoughts, any positive feeling is only on loan

People act like I hone in on this curse to be worthless
Like I thirst to be anxious
Like I have to coerce this anger and bitterness
Like I enjoy being immersed in the hopeless
Like my first thought is the worst on purpose
Like I enjoy all my deep rooted issues constantly rising to the surface

Then comes the question that brings me back to reality
"What are you doing to get control of this? Not enough certainly"
Honestly that's another cog in the circle mosh pit of misery, part of the continuity
I'd give anything for it to be as easy as everyone claims it should be

Because what most people see from me is rehearsed
My final diagnosis can not be reversed
The totality of my issues couldn't possibly be unearthed
But that doesn't change the horrible landscape I've traversed
I wouldn't be able to tell you what I'm worth, all I know is...
...I am this, for what it's worth

©2024

"I don't like this, I don't want to be here"
Well, add a "T" here or move on
The PURSUIT of happiness is the right they mention
Remember though, it's an emotion
And just like every other one
It too isn't healthy to always be on
A better life is the big con
Middle class gone
Devide and conquer worked to perfection
Mostly 'cause half the population
Can't do long division
Can't trust a single politician
Corruption now the backbone of religion
Founding fathers knew the importance of separation
But those who've cherry pick the bible from generation to generation
Now want the option too cherry pick the Constitution
It no longer matters what's right and wrong
Just belt out your fight song
If you don't like something go get your march on
Or hit the gong
Pretend your conviction is strong
And when your judgement comes along
There's nothing you can do but end up where you belong

©2024

My flow of motion knows one path
Confronted only by mostly wrath
Homegrown turmoil hath
A distinct flavor of aftermath
Can't solve the problem with broken math
The simple's simply to slippery to grasp
Daily attempts lead to a nervous laugh
It's never the last
If it was, would it matter?
Perhaps,
Though I'd have to ask

©2024

Always different but somehow not new
That's the only way I can frame this walkthrough,
The day to day I walk through
To look through these eyes is not something I'd wish on any of you
At best it's glitchy level design, I can't get a map I don't fall through
Worst, this is all predestined,
like wrestlin',
Every blow right on queue
A nonconsensual change of view
Not only but mostly due to the view of what relentlessly plays out in the minds eye,
A prisonesque venue
I didn't use faulty glue to put this mess together,
Who would choose this to turn into?
Nobody buddy,
Bad seeds planted in toxic soil is why this shiit you see here grew
This isn't the standard "good plan gone askew"
This miniscule piece of timeline was doomed from debut
In every story there's never enough time to repair before I will predictively have to leave you
At least according to the solo read through
Please forgive me for I loved you the only way I knew how too
My "how-to" example did more damage than I could undo
This is already more than anybody expected me to amount to
These aren't woven excuses, this is off the cuff, from the heart impromptu
I just want you to be the one who doesn't see me like they do
I know that's a lot of me to ask of you

©2024