Father! Father!
I called upon your name
You heed not as days wane

Father! Father!
How long we've played this game
Where you've ran with no shame?

Father! Father!
Years after my youth waned
Why han't you call my name?

Half a decade ago today, Dad ceased to be alive.
Five years ago, Dad died at the age of sixty-five.
He was a hard worker, he could have outworked two twenty-year-olds.
When he went to the doctor, bad news was what he was destined to be told.
He was diagnosed with Leukemia and it caused distress.
Twenty months later, he succumbed to his terrible illness.
Two days before he died, he couldn't even respond when people talked to him.
Forty-eight hours later, he met a terrifying fate that was very grim.
He underwent Chemotherapy to temporarily survive.
Half a decade ago today, Dad ceased to be alive.

i love my dad
you do not see it
but that's the way
it is

three hour van silences
are no longer
awkward

i am the scion of 4
that's never going to greet him

i know a child
scratches his belly from the inside

i'm in the house of mirrors
while everyone is eating
i see through the
teasing, the
shouting
mom shakes her head "no one
can ever talk to you"
i see
through
the
pain

my silence as a message:
67 years no longer let you
rush to climb the stairs
to embrace the plush worm
of colors: i do it for you

i do not greet you
but i dress a shirt
with the caption "DADS"
and a picture of us two.

One day you’ll look back.
And on that day
You’ll regret everything you’ve ever
Said or done
To me.
You’ll regret being the man
That broke my heart
Harder than I thought possible.
Maybe I didn’t think it was possible,
Because out of all the stories I’ve ever read,
It was always the boy who broke the girl.
Not the dad.

How deep were we in?
Restrained by chains that burn our skin
Car headlights, a hush falls over
Shines through the window, time feels slower
I hope she knows that we care
He grabbed her, dragged her by her hair
Cry, scream, or maybe not
Could have done anything, but we couldn't make him stop

Yesterday you bathed yourself
And it made me sad
Today you wiped yourself
And for that I am glad
Tomorrow you will feed yourself
And I will be left feeling mad
That your growing so fast
That you no longer need your dad
That I will no longer be your best friend
That I will be just another comrade

I understand,
I did this once before
Except I don't recall
Saying best friend
Or friend.

✺

I was always "daddy's girl"
I loved you like no other
you went on weekend benders when I was with my mother

I ran to you when I was lost
in your arms I would cry
you held me to your heart and said you would never lie

you were my greatest friend
the one I had adored
I denied all of your secrets, the ones I had abhorred

with mutual respect, we were always very kind
until your magic pipe made you maddeningly high
I did not understand, for I had turned a blind eye

forgiveness lies within my soul
ice races through my blood
as I search for your companionship, my eyes begin to flood

why did these poison mixtures cast such a potent spell?
why were they worth the bargain for a life of living hell?
the voices in your head must have had too much to tell

why am I not good enough?
who do I need to be?
you may still be alive somewhere, but you are dead to me.

✺

My little girl its been a year,
you're growing up so fast.
My little girl I cant believe how beautiful you've become.
My little girl I'm sorry that your daddy has left you alone,
but he's always looking after you my child.
So happy birthday baby girl.
I will come and see you very soon.