I love you because my heart is lighter walking by you.
I love you because no matter the world I could never see you outside the light I see you now.
Not because of the times things seemed good to be true.
Or the sex or the willingness to drop everything and come to me.
I love you because of the effort.
Not because it feels like something your supposed to say.
The times we strayed in complete darkness.
I love you because you could have walked away a million times.
And I know I've pushed you there a  considerable number of times.
I love you a million times more for each millionth time I thought you were gone.
I love you because you bring out the best in me.
You show me the world in a honest way.
Sometimes I may not understand it.
Question after question, my heart telling me to stop second guessing.
This walk becoming longer and longer.
I love you for encouraging me to be better.
I love you because you handle every situation in the weirdest way possible.
In the deepest part of my heart.
I believe you already know that.
Free to walk, free to think.
All without paying attention to where we're walking.
I love walking beside you
My last witness.


Let my body hit the floor;
I can’t take it anymore.
My whole life-time I have been at war;
I can’t take it anymore.


Everybody wants to fight;
What is wrong?  What is right?
All I want to do is write,
But everybody wants a piece of my life.


Sinners come and sinners go;
Everybody feels alone.
What’s so good about your phone?
Let them fall and let them go.


Burn it down and start again;
My fixation is the pain.
Nobody is all the same;
Parts come undone, then they are gone!


Punch a wall and break it down;
Fools become surrounded by clowns.
Oh my God I hate this town!
All love dies, so let it go!


Love is war and will destroy;
She’s a girl and I’m a boy.
Fools for love will feel joy,
But love will tears us apart, in the end!


Life is so hard to take;
As tears fall I feel my heart break.
Why can I alone never feel safe?
Every day is exactly the same.


I am in pieces;
Words are meaningless.
All the wrong choices,
Have become my only memories.


My last witness,
Lacks forgiveness.


(C)2016 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.
liv 1d
i just wish
that one day
i'll be able to walk this earth
and not constantly
compare myself
to other people
and not be trapped
and held captive
by my own
mind
daily
Daddy always said I had a good head on my shoulders
But I'm wondering how it's holding up as I'm growing older
It seems like the world is only growing colder
Words as weapons and guns coming out of their holsters
Things aren't the same since you were alive
I've really changed since that night that you died
I can't tell you how many nights I've lost to the tears that I've cried
My jaw is tired from holding this bullet I have to bite
To get through these hard times
What could I have done to deserve
You being stolen from my life?
You won't be there to walk me down the aisle
On my big day when I become someone's wife
You aren't here to help me when I struggle
When days seem filled only with strife

My world just keeps on changing
And there's no one here for me explaining
"It's ok, you can do this, there's so many things you'll be gaining"

See to me I just figured you'd always be around
Or at least until I got my feet on some solid ground
If there's anything that I've found
Is more sooner than later you're the one 6 feet down

So in the mean time I guess I'll just keep being confused
Being lonely
Learning from the abuse
Because that's all I can do
Now that my life doesn't have you
I'll miss you every single day
All the bad parts of you too
I'm sure one day I'll figure it out
Hopefully before I'm dead and blue
If you constantly struggle
just to stay even,
yet can never get ahead;
its hard not to keep a feeling of dread.
aashi 3d
I'm struggling to separate the star speckled sky from the hazy dawns. Time weighs down on you when you really don't want to be here.
I'm shivering in cozy orange light because the spirit is gone.
I put my heart on vibrate and threw it in the ocean.
11:10 pm ... trying to pull back seconds.
This isn't a poem, this is written from the heart of a hurting girl...

I am that girl, the pure title, and definition of fearing commitment. The funny thing, it’s the farthest thing I ever want to be.

Deep down I see marriage, 2.5 kids, white picket fences, and all the dogs you’ll let me have. Oh yes, it’s a beautiful future there, yet my so-called “relationships” last maybe a few months, because you throw words out there like love, and moving in together, being my rock and everything I long for. Yeah, I might say those words back, I may play along with what our wedding will look like, and that gorgeous ring that adds a beautiful symbol of commitment on my scrawny little finger and its beautiful because deeply that is what my poor beaten-up heart is yearning for. But instead, those feelings of bliss I so wistfully yearn for are replaced with panic and pure distaste for wanting stick it out and stay by your side.

So, what do I do? I run. I am the star of “Runaway from Stability”. Why? If you could answer that for me and fix me, you would probably be a millionaire and sell lots of books on it. And speaking of books, my shelves are littered with self-help books that only exist to make you think that I read them, but I don’t… I collect literature that fuels my fantasy that there is nothing wrong with me.

I can dig deep down and do the years of therapy for you and blame my father that never wanted me in his life, who constantly let me down... I can blame the fact I am a serial dater due to walking away time and time again... I can blame my mother, who by the way shares the same fear I do, and you could say the apple falls right next to the damn tree. (Love you so much, mom)... You could blame the men (more like “boys”) that promised me the world and broke my heart after all I saw was them in my future.

Yeah, sure the list goes on with who I could “blame”. But the problem still exists that I can’t change, I can’t get attached, I can’t get hurt. Yeah yeah yeah…. Can’t means you won’t, but maybe that is it. Maybe I won’t budge. Maybe I absolutely won't stick it out despite all the right words I know I need to consistently hear.

And you come along, you’re sweet, you’re understanding, you’re that list my best friend told me to make of qualities we've all made throughout our lives after each heartbreak, after each "I am done dating" of qualifications a man must have before you date them.

And you know what?... I like you... So much, I could even say every ounce of me has fallen for you. But that my inner fear comes up like vomit and that's it! There is no chance holding it down…

I don’t think I can ever be the girl with hearts in her eyes that doodles your name all over my notes at work. No, I won’t be… I used to be that girl that was lovesick with an unrealistic crush on someone.

That little girl won’t come back. I miss her, but she’s not there...

Yeah, I am sure you’ve Googled all the articles that tell you how to deal with a “Commitment Phobic Girlfriend” and yeah, I’ve read them too which spiral my mind out of control how to fix myself. My friends all say the same thing, “You’ve got to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else Bri!” ---insert eye roll--- So far that’s all I got because this really doesn’t make me happy, and maybe that’s it?

Life keeps crumpling me up and spitting me out and I deem myself a pool of chaos, that I am not really wanted if people knew the truth of how broken I am inside, how much I don’t respect myself anymore because of my commitment-phobia-self-proclaimed-title…

I don’t know why I chose to write this article, maybe because I am not the only one? A cry for help? The attention YOU THINK I am wanting... Ha, no...

At least I can hope I am not the only one who struggles with this battle, and I am sure I am not... But why? Why is it that way?

(Heck, maybe a therapist wouldn’t be a bad idea at this point. YAY! Progress! ---insert another eye roll---)

I do know this, despite everything, I have learned the true meaning of love, (Crazy right?!) Because some of you I have run away from, love me, and always will... You've shown it, you've proven it even. And yet STILL, I believe in my heart I am truly unlovable.

To my friends who know the phobia, the constant relationship hopping, you all love me still, and that's hard for me to wrap my head around. You all are my rock, I love you all so very much. And thank you, thank you for not giving up on me in my train-wreck of a life because I could never do this without you.
Swimming without assistance,
Progressing - stroke by stoke.

Gently moving along the surface,
Barely scratching the depths.

Stroke by stroke, I become stronger and more confident.
Stroke by stroke, I pound and penetrate the water.
Stroke by stroke, I overcome my previous position.

Each stroke like torture
Ripping myself out and falling back in,
Allowing the water to take a hold of me once again.

The water symbolised my struggles and insecurities.
A never-ending and already lost war,
I was battered, stroke by stroke.
AG 5d
Another day, I see you aching
I see tears running down your face
Your tired eyes show what you’re thinking
But mouth is shut, no word to take
One pain is replaced by another
I see what it made to your body
There were some better days away
From this place, do you care to say?

We’re close, but barely close enough
To share your struggles with myself
The one thing that is on your mind
Something you would avoid each time
We talk, I can’t stop wonder why

I have a habit of not pushing
People too hard to talk about
Whatever bothers them on lonely
And hopeless day, I just wait up
My help is there if you would need it
I’ll hear you out and let you cry
I’ll do my best to make you feel like
The storm has passed and sun is out

It takes time to trust other people
To open fragile heart to them
Don’t push yourself until you’re ready
Until you’re sure I am the right one
Real friendship doesn’t know no distance
No time can break the special bond
It might take time for you to trust me
Later it’ll only make us strong
Wyatt 6d
I know my words will never transcend the canvas
and no matter what I try I'll be labeled the bad guy.
Sometimes it feels like I'll never be understood,
I'll never be welcomed in with open arms
despite my mind, it's twisted and turning.
It's backwards thinking, but a lot of the time
I feel like I'm years into the future.
Like I see a picture
nobody else can yet comprehend.
Stuck in a box of ugly truths
and nobody to give the weight to.
I'll bear twenty crosses while shackled to chains
meant to signify this repetitious pattern of slavery.
Tape on my mouth, a muzzle on my mind
and an empty room that's full of suicide.
How much of this montage of failure can I take
before I drop the fake face I put on in public?
Are my words coming across perfectly?
I hope not, because if they did it would mean
that somebody else out there suffers just like me.
I don't wear "victim" to get a purple heart,
I wear a white flag draped on my sunken body,
because I'm a masterpiece missing a few crucial parts.
I seek solitude, these words here aren't just a hobby
to get a few likes and then call it a pity party.
I express shame everyday of my life it seems
because I can't pull myself out of this.
I do the same thing everyday, well aware
that there's no way I can get out of this.

Can't talk to family when they don't feel like it.
Can't walk it off when I wreak havoc
on my self-image, every day I wish
somebody could take my name
so then they could go ahead and trash it.
I matched my lowest low and then I passed it.
Down the bottle, down the drain.
These days I can't see a difference.
Day to day with a clear disadvantage.
I'm living in a world blind to my vantage,
but there's nothing good about this realization
that everybody around me are dead men walking.
Where's that "choice" of direction you speak of
when you sit on your pedestal, claim I chose this lifestyle?
How can I maneuver at all when I'm falling straight down?
What can I provide? What do you say?
But you can't decipher my mind, so what can I say?
Nobody likes a downer
and nobody likes to be awake.
Nobody likes me when I get sour,
and nobody likes to admit we're all afraid.

I've been pessimistic about my hopes,
I've been hopeless when it comes to life.
I feel lifeless when I'm ignored,
and this sense of silence brings me down
somewhere I know I've been before.
I admit defeat for today
and add another tally to the streak,
I wind down and I finally go to sleep
and I somewhat feel better when I awake.
I can pretend just enough to live with all this,
but it's never enough to forget.
It's a perfect storm crafted like a piece of art,
destruction hardly comes off as a shock
when we've never had peace from the start.
Like the biggest punchline to end off the night,
"perfect" is our biggest motivator
and it makes us the most depressed
because even though the goal will always exist,
we can never live long enough to reach it.
I'm trying to reach for it,
so I don't see your angle.
It's like you already gave up
and gave the job to the angels.
Is "perfect" foolish and unrealistic
or are we as people just not worthy of it?

Say you were given a map
and they gave you the keys to heaven
and made a mark on that map.
The motivation is definitely there
but what happens when your location
on this massive map could be anywhere?
That's "perfect" to me,
a perfect problem
positioned just out of our reach.
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