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Will I find my words
Like I find me keys?
Will they perch on my tongue
Like a terrible tease?
Have they drowned in the ocean
Of mental disease?
Or will they come flowing
With incredible ease?
...........

I wish I knew...
I’m watching you from the top, as I’m
Sitting down on the floor, where I
Did most of my talks, in the
Past turbulent months, I think

From the way you stretch, and the
Funny way you flinch, to the
Way you act after meeting
New friends – they call it creeping

I’m immortalizing you, as I’m
Writing all about you, while I
Sit way across the room, but I
Can’t help but look, though rue

Oh, all our idiosyncrasies, though I
let mine fuel my eloquence, though I
Don’t know you super well, but I
Think that you might be the same
As me like the
caterpillars in my garden, who are
urging to thrive and bloom

I write about you, till the
Evening sun has to cut through, and I
Can’t catch a clue, I can’t see anymore
As the
Sun dies to let the
Moon breathe
In the night
Michael 2d
I don’t really want it,
But you tell me I need it.
Hands reach in to take what I have.
More hands reach in to take what I need.
You have plenty, so why take mine?

They say it makes the world turn,
But it does not turn mine.
For me it does a good job,
When it comes to making it stop.

My bank balance is low,
But my head is held high.
If only I could feed my children,
Using my own stubborn pride.

Only then could my babies eat like kings.
Money is something of a myth in my house. Paying bills is a worry and keeping a roof over my babies heads is the biggest worry of all. I absolutely detest money and the social pressures that come along with it, but in this world I have no choice but to chase numbers.
I think I came here because I was running away
I've always been running, in a way
I couldn't be in the place where everything changed
I couldn't remain in a place where everything stayed the same
So I chose to leave
I didn't realize I was choosing to leave you

If you run, one day, you'll have to stop
And you'll have to be ready to fight when you do
Right now, though, I know that the running is working
Because now I'm starting to feel short of breath
So I can tell that I am breathing
And one day
My lungs will be strong enough
To run all the way back to you
And then I will stop
Because now I know
I can't be happy until I face the reasons I am not

I am sorry I had to go three hundred miles away
To realize that my mother was right
I am sorry I am stubborn
I don't know when I will be ready to fight
But at least now I know what I need to be ready for.
Ambitious bastions always tout
progressive plans when they're about
while within they hide and pout
from novel things that may prove out.

And while inventing goals to follow
their ancients habits hold them hollow
as in vain wary workers wallow
force fed lies and hooks to swallow.

They hunt for those who work past five,
that trudge to work, endure the drive
who will sacrifice their personal live
until ambition can't survive.

Yet if you strive, you're constant told
do not do more, do not be bold
just fill your seat, forever hold
your tongue until you're dead and cold.

To subsist we're forced to hide,
only in others can we confide,
all success pushed to the side
as managers act bona fide.

Since those of meager measures make
hope of meeting metrics fake
interloping leaders take
their toll until hard workers break.
I am tethering on the edge again
plagued by decisions, too many
the path to travel is nowhere in sight
all that I have left is melancholy.

I remember how I got to this place
it was certain that I would always be right
yet at every fork, I went wrong or left
now there’s no going back, try as I might.

At sorrow’s end I see myself again
as a farmer trying to grow his future
drawing from the well of memories
tilling the fields like a Repugnant Creature.

The choice is simple when I think about it
to savor the moment, or to sacrifice
yet the edge I stand on, rocking back and forth
I cannot find happiness, regardless of the price.

“Fly”, screams the wind, pushing me ever so gently
“Stay”, say the memories, holding me back in place.
“Fight” mumbles my own inner voice
“Pray”, says the world that put me in this cage.

Weary, I sit down on that cliff
staring for answers in that dark abyss
fighting to undo the chains that bind me
all I ever wanted was a little bit of bliss.

This place is cruel, but so am I
unwilling to give up or to fly away
to go anywhere, just not here
my will won’t be undone, it will not sway.

This is another fork, just like before
a battle to be fought before I have recovered
a question that needs an answer right now
To sever, or to be severed?
Contemplating some tough decisions in real life, this is just but a reflection of what's going through my mind.
Time
a compulsory conveyor belt
dragging me towards the inevitable
i postpone acknowledgment
i sedate certain thoughts with diversion
but upon approaching collision
recognition infects my mind  
anxiety mounts
i squirm, i struggle
i throw myself back in opposition
all pointless
i brace for impact.
L Brown 6d
You ask me how my day is,
I tell you it’s been rough,
Today was not one of my best days,
I broke down and cried,
I want so much for myself and my family,
But everything just keeps going to ****,
Don’t worry you say,
But how can I not,
Cause soon as things get hard you take it out on me,
**** is terrifying,
I want to live with ease,


This is just wrong
I can't help myself I been fantasizing about you lately while I'm drinking, I can't help myself I been contemplating these feelings obsessed with you I don't know

Drowning in my misery this love ain't fizzling another bottle got me drizzling **** girl what you do to me, self abuse I ain't loving me stumbling to my ******* knees another round need energy spinning room ain't scaring me I see you watching me come closer, another round to soothe this trembling another round is you hearing me Intoxicated love, I'm ******* drunk! I'm *******! don't nobody care all I love is this bottle here, it's just me and you trapped in a tiny glass, shot drank out these memories this love is a tragedy alcohol keep seducing I'm in love with your misery violent love you keep abusing me, flooding up the kidneys pancreas ain't forgiven me Liver getting bigger, Lord please deliver me addiction she's controlling me

I can't myself there something about I can't put this bottle down this sensation you giving me, I can't help myself confuse and inebriated girl your love got me fornicating

Now I'm crashing (crashed)

BLACKNESS Voices!


Got me feeling like J.cole trying to burry theses bottles addiction my power trip

Sing this part:

[Got me up all night thinking getting another drank, got me up all night singing Alcohol a love song, got me up all night ( all night) empty bottles it's a horror story]

Fade in:

Now back to reality overdosed man that was close, addiction won't let me go! Baby girl just pour me more I can't help myself no, I can't help myself no! Too deep in the bottle

Another round to the head like oral *** I'm in love with the Hennessy this liquor keep pleasing me addicted to your misery this love properly killing me, ******* me up mentally visually is blurred love, me i'm just an alcoholic she stares as she poisons me seductive she know my taste, toxic relationship got me hungover **** I hate being sober, pursing your love in the bottom glass I want it to last, but girl you ain't right me, I enjoy you using, I'm just drunk deep in your love ****

I can't help myself I been searching for you in bottom of the bottle, I can't help myself I been loving you endlessly that feeling you given me addicted my love
( written in recovery )
_

stopping is no option

to lose the way
is to keep going
keep moving forward

lest one be rutted in uncertainty
rigid with the rigor of fear
bogged down in despair
paralyzed

stalled in hopelessness
the giving in
the giving up

caught in anguish
the rot that sets
with the loss of wonder
when grip lets go of dreams

arthritic loss of faith
debilitates the soul

cripples the manifest light
that shines forth
at the leap into the dark unknown
into the sacred mystery

frozen is the doubting man
withered in a worried cage
terrified of the wrong step
of the journey all in
of daring the way unmarked

thus
he bleeds out the color of life
to become cold and grey

a petrified husk
of brittle remorse

mired in regret
for never having shone so brightly
as to blind the eyes of death

stopping is no option

_


rob kistner © 2018
A contemplation on the struggle to hold to one's dreams in the face of adversity, and the brutal cost one pays when abandoning them.
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