Breed for only
         choirs of pain.

Crimson silence pays out.

Cold sweat and shivers ache
The soul is hard to settle
Lost days, hours minutes to
Temperament out of control

Where does it end?
How thoughts become
The source of torment
And terrifying respite

Locked in a world
Of swirling chaos
Broken promises
And heavy lies

There is a path
I can not walk it
There is an ocean
I can not sail it

Find me peace
Rest this mind
Forever
Addicted

I am not okay,
I really am not.
But I have to act like I am,
Because it's embarrassing.
People judge me,
And I start to judge myself,
How can I still feel this way?

I've tried everything.
At this point,
It wasn't fucking worth it.
Even the good parts,
They weren't worth it.
Nothing was.

It's a game,
I feel okay for a few days,
Like I've made progress,
And then right back to shit.

I thought time was supposed to make things better.
It's not.
Each low feels lower and lower.

I was beautiful,
Smart,
Special,
The only person who had ever had my heart was me.

And now?
It's you,
All day everyday.
And you don't even care about me.

Why didn't you just leave me alone?
Why?
I didn't even like you.
I hated you.
Now I hate you too,
But in a different way,
In a way that only hurts me.

Every smile is fake,
Every laugh is fake,
Every joke is fake,
Every eye roll is fake,
Every hair flip is fake,
Because right now I feel worthless,
Hopeless,
Like there is no end in sight.

I wish I could sleep forever,
Because that's the only peace I have,
But then,
Even before my eyes open,
My heart reminds me of where I am.

I wish I never gave myself to you,
Because now you're satisfied,
You broke what everyone thought couldn't be broken.

Now I'm weak,
I'm sad,
I'm constantly in pain.
I just want my life back,
Please just give me my life back.

one forceful burst of holiday wind
makes me glance passively to the left,
tracing the lines in your ponytail as you
continue to stare beneath the pier. the
void silence between us is normal; i shiver
and you follow suit. you’re wearing triple
layers and i’m wishing i would have been
more prepared.

the seals suddenly go belly-up and you call for
the others. they come over; one is embracing
the other from behind; arms bolted to hips.
in the right angle, underneath the lamp post, i
pretend to unsee a slightly fresh mark on her neck.

i sense the awkwardness drifting our way as if the
white fog in the night had suddenly come alive. i
inch a hint closer. enough so you wouldn’t notice.
in fact, i’m not sure what would have happened.
i wonder if you would have stopped me, having known.

there’s about three inches and four centimeters between
our arms now. the others have gone upstairs and the voices
around us have retired. the small voice beneath my ears is
pressuring me to shoot my shot but my being remains stagnant.
we observe the seals dance joyously within nature’s boundaries.

you’re still shivering.

pain is temporary... just like life.

— n.y | t r u t h

Pin


My mouth has stopped speaking,
My eyes have stopped seeing.
My words are no longer written…
I have no imagination for dreaming.


No feeling for screaming,
No passion to believe in,
No happiness for me;
Only misery.


I have nothing left beneath my rib cage.
Forever trapped in all ways,
In a million mile maze;
No way to relate to the lives people play.


Lost in all ways to your nation of islands;
All stand united, I make no demand.
Ask for no place to barter, life is a non-starter;
Never seen a wedding garter in these days of haze.


Left dazed and confused, with nothing to soothe,
The constant blues, who knew?
Not me, I never did. Did you?
My empathy?  You can keep it!
My apathy lacks all my cares.
Don’t ask me where they are; I am stood at the bottom of stairs
And the first step is too far; I stare into stars,
Looking for a future, but no luck so far.


Let my coffin be gift wrapped, I will not cause a fuss.
Just lay down to rest;
Robot ready to rust and dust is all that will remain;
Because even when I go I will still hold on,
To every searing scar of my pain.


The pain is all I am left with and all I know.
No encore to this show, please, I cannot repeat myself anymore.
I have said enough.
Close the door.


Remove the good vibrations, silence the dawn chorus.
People were sent here only to test us!
Act 1 – I lived.
Forget Act 2.  
Think only of you, like all others do
And when I am run through in this queue,
Where we are all waiting to die,
When Fuck!  My!  Life!  
Is in the hands of a non-believer;
The fingers no nearer to touching a soul.  
Why am I growing so old?
Why am I always so cold,
To everything they think and say,
For they cannot think, without saying it.



Pins and needles, my nerves are talking,
The timer is ticking and it does not bring anything.
All will soon be gone from this basket-case of mine.
Life is a swine, soak it in wine,
Right on time for the next nasty surprise.
I sigh, I sign my name, my life and oh the days I will never forget.
I have tried…
To forget;
But no luck yet.
No thought for regret.
Contemplate…
Wait…


I have never seen a happy day, 24-seven-straight.
A constant pain, happiness never even looked my way.
Always broken like biscuits at the bottom of the barrel.
Quickly kissed, forgotten even quicker; I hate Christmas Carols
And New Year celebrations because they are all the same.
Each and every year is another year of pain.


I am a faded picture on a damaged milk carton,
Never going to get a heart won,
Because a loser only loses love
And I am lost in a life that is a cartoon.
Drop an anvil on my head so I can see the stars…
And the end.
Love is the pin to my balloon.


(C)2018 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.

Flicker
Breathe
I close my eyes
Taking a deep breath
Why am I here again?
Why?
Is there something important
For me to do?
Was there ever?
My body is always sore
Everyday it hurts
Why do I keep going?
I wait for my body to give up
For my time to stop
For the days to finally end
I’ve said I’m fine
But never really was
I’ve dreamt of places far away
But never really got there
Those places I want to go
To disappear
And call them home
Help me
An echoing voice in my head
A convincing smile
This is my lie
A lie no one has ever seen through
They never will
The voice responds
Help me
Another smile
Why can no one hear
No one hears
No one

You want fire
but I specialize in ice,
If that's coffee, I needed some tea,
But if its tea, I would like a coffee,
Its not what we can bite,
but what we can chew.
They tell u to follow your heart,
But tell me if its broken
Which piece do you follow,
And what's the treatment for heartache
When everything tastes different
And all familiar perfumes stink
When all you see in a rose are the thorns
Sit down and relax
Life isn't done yet