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rosie 5h
it hurts
they don't tell you that it hurts.
that your chest gets too tight and aches, and your lungs gasp and scream for air while your throat stings, and your eyes swell and burn from scalding tears that you can't stop no matter how much you want to.

they don't tell you that all your muscles scream the next day from tensing up.
they don't tell you that there's no way to stop them.
they don't tell you that they don't just affect your body.
they overtake your mind.
every illogical fear, every small worry, magnified until they've grown into a monolith of overwhelming panic crushing you under its weight.

no. they dont tell you any of that at all.

why don't they tell you any of that at all?

it's heavy.
it weighs so heavily on you all day.
there's pain in your heart as soon as you awake from fitful and restless sleep.
you know it's coming most of the time.
you can feel it in the uneasy heartbeats just a little too fast, the little stressors seeming bigger than they should.
it does so much damage; big, heavy panic.
destroys you while it's there, and most of the time after it goes away, too.
i've been dealing with panic attacks, so here's a little glimpse. thank you to any readers **
The sparks—
They dance so happy
On my chest,
Singing laughter,
Dancing prancer,
Merry-going
In a jest—
But to fall
Into the void
To disappear
Like everything else.
And goes on,
A lonely song,
I sing all by myself.

Time and time,
My heart she says,
It’s alright to dream.
Then life comes up,
Takes the night,
And throws it
Down the stream.
And when I awake,
My pieces ache
Where she
Used to be.
I look around,
The sparks are gone,
And all that’s left is me
Can you tell me how this piece made you feel? What you saw as you moved from word to word?

It’s about losing something you thought would last for a long time— love, friendship, instant deep connection— the makings of an impossible thing— it’s all about that. Sometimes, magic just happens, you know? But it doesn9t last. And you wake up asking yourself: what happened? You kinda try to make sense of it as if understanding the pain makes it easier to bear.

Hiello, there. My name is Limited Vocabulary. Thanks for reading my first poem!
Punish me
Don't lash out
Take me
Don't drown me
With doubt

Have another taste
My loves like *******
Pure and innocent
The aftertaste will
Stay with you for days
And then you'll want another taste
Come back
I'll give you seconds
Thirds and fithes
Come and get me
Give me your kiss

I'll bite your lips off
Twist them into my wrath
Hold you down secretly
Until there's nothing left
This isn’t going to make sense
cause it’s not supposed to
and if I’m being honest
this isn’t for you
it’s not even for me

I’m stuck
I’m trapped
I’m lost
I’m every other word that describes people who feel at a dead end

I’m typing on a ****** phone
That’s connected to a ****** connection
That could possibly be a metaphor for my life

I’m writing
Because I don’t know what else to do

I’m writing
Cause that’s what they told me to do

But they also told me that what I think isn’t always true
That I’m special and I just don’t see it

But that’s the thing
I don’t see it

And if I don’t see it then why should it matter if anyone else does

And if I’m thinking something why should it matter if it’s true

What matters is that it’s in my head
What matters is that it’s always there

But here I am
Stuck in the same place
Back to square one
No progress made
The same questions, whether true or not

Will I amount to anything?
Do I really help?
Am I really worthwhile?
Do you actually care?

I see these people
When I’m online
They smile and post
They edit and pose

I can’t help but wonder

Do you really smile, or do you just do it to look happy like me?
Do you really feel happy, or are you trying to lie like me?
Do you understand what I feel?

Or is it just me?

I’m not trying to be selfish
I don’t want a lot
I just want to be happy
And I want others to be happy with me
But neither is happening

So instead there’s a poem
That doesn’t even rhyme
That makes no sense
  I’ll try harder
Gaze at my eyes first you absolute coward.

Just let me.
Just a bit.
Just for a while...

I want to do bad
Bad
Bad
       Bad
                      Bad
                                   ­      Bad
Things.

I want to be
A *******
*****.

Let me taste it.
Absorb it into my
******* testicles.

I need to be                        dangerous.
  I need to be                     callous.
   I need to be                 maniacal.
      I need to be            a cannibal.
        I need to be        the outlaw.
          I need to be   ****** raw.
       I need to be a ******* *****.
Inspired by recent events and Hello Daises' Good Girl poem (https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2873773/good-girl/ ). It a great poem indeed.
The sound..
      The touch..
           Lightly grazed..

               I felt them.
       When I was just
feeling your scars...

                                        I also felt
                                              all of the agony
                                                     all of the ruin.

                                                       I had to caress you.
                                               I needed you to feel it.
                                         And feel me too.
  
                                                                                 You
                                                                         had
                                                               your
                                                       arm
                                        around
                                 me

                
Yes...                                                                                                   No...
               Continue.                                                             Stop.
                                       Please.                            Don't.
                                                            Put
            50 bpm                                  your
                                                           hand                         90 bpm
                                                             on
                                                            my
                               110 bpm             heart
                                                            like                 666 bpm
                                                            that.

...

You do it again.

DISCORD.                                                                                DISCORD.
DISCORD.              I                                                                DISCORD.
DISCORD.                              WAS                                         DISCORD.
DISCORD.                                            HOPING                   DISCORD.
DISCORD.              YOU                                                         DISCORD.
DISCORD.                               WOULD                                 DISCORD
DISCORD.                                                BE                           DISCORD.
DISCORD.                                                             MY             DISCORD.
DISCORD.                                                                                DISCORD.
DISCORD.-----------------------------S-I-N---------­---------------DISCORD.

                                                             "I'm sorry if I disappointed you."

You know.
Somehow I feel a bit used.
And you know
I knew something bad
would happen.

                                                                       How dare she deny she
                                                                       didn't know what I meant
                                                                       when I first mentioned it.

OPEN YOUR EYES.
OPEN  OPEN  OPEN  OPEN  OPEN  OPEN  OPEN  OPEN  OPEN  OPEN  OPEN    OPEN    OPEN    OPEN    OPEN    OPEN    OPEN    OPEN    OPEN    OPEN    OPEN    OPEN    OPEN          OPEN          OPEN          OPEN          OPEN          OPEN          OPEN          OPEN          OPEN          OPEN                    OPEN                    OPEN                    OPEN                    OPEN                    OPEN                    OPEN                    OPEN                    OPEN                    OPEN                    OPEN                    OPEN                    OPEN                                       OPEN          


You should have made it                                               A
                 CLEAR.                                                              s
                                                                                             s
You should have made it                                               e
               CRYSTAL.                                                          r
                                                                                             t
      

I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.      

You led me.                                    
    You made me expect.
         You made me think.
            You made me imagine.

I led me.
   I made me expect.
        I made me think.
           I made me imagine.  

I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.           I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.       I FELT THE SCARS. I FELT THEM.
i'm not hurting.. I'm not.. Wait until the second bit comes.. Real ruin.. Wait for it. It's coming. This writing was based off getting sexually rejected and a night spent over at a previous loved one's.
Kylee 9h
I put on a brave face
And smile.
I tell the world
That we will never
Happen again.
I laugh
About the idea of us
Together again.
I say no,
No more.
But I also know
That if you said the right words
And gave me that smile
You used to give -
Where your eyes
Sparkle like stars
And I can see your love for me
In the wrinkles beside your eyes -
I know
My heart would bend
Until it breaks
And all of my feelings for you
And all my love
Would come gushing back
Like a tidal wave
And pull me under.
I know
That if you said to me,
I love you,
I would say,
I love you too.
I would close my eyes
To all the pain
You have caused me
And I would go off
Blissfully
Into the night
With my heart
In your hands
And my arm
In your arm.
Why can't I remember simple words and phrases for tests and quizzes, yet I can remember almost every conversation we have had in the last four months. I have unintentionally memorized all of your hobbies and favorites. This was a surprising, yet amazing perk to getting to know you and fall in love with you.

I wanted to be a better artist, so I posted this wish on a few social media platforms. I was just getting it out in the open thinking that nobody would respond. You responded. You told me that we could meet up some time and practice your preferred art style, which is drawing animals. We made plans and set a date. I texted you on the chosen date and got a response the next morning saying that you were sorry for not responding sooner. You didn't have internet. We tried making plans a second time and the exact same thing happened. Yet again, you didn't have internet. At this point, I just thought that you didn't want to see me and I accepted that. One day, me and my ex-friend Gavin were walking around, going from neighborhood to neighborhood, just talking about life. Reminiscing in the good memories and troubles of the past. Eventually, we got bored of talking and he suggested that we go somewhere. This somewhere was your house. I didn't realize that we were walking towards your house at the time. Once we got to your house, I noticed you sitting in the back of your fathers truck while you had a few friends inside and your entire family eating dinner together at the dinner table. You seemed like a lonely teenager. You confirmed this thought after telling me multiple times in the future that you wanted me to come over and hang out, because of that dreadful loneliness. I came over at least twice every week and that lasted for a good two and a half months. From the first glance, I noticed your beauty. From your first words, I noticed your refined charm. You gave me a sort of cancer every time I came over. Ever time you touched me, the cancer would diminish and there would only be an elegant light radiating from the both of us. Then, when I would leave, the cancer would grow and pain me. This was only the beginning of my painful, yet joyous love for you.

I fell in love with you, because you drew me in. You, at one point literally, took me by the wrist to a place that nobody would find us and showed me the love you were capable of giving. Just not being able to see you and enjoy your presence was an extreme pain. I didn't think that this pain could get any worse. But of course, I was wrong and the pain grew immensely. You found someone else to give your love to. I was old news. Onto the next. You still had a bit of human in you. There was a small part of you that didn't want me to parish. You didn't want to completely stop avoiding me. So, you just started hanging out with me before school like I wouldn't notice the decline in how much time we were spending together.

I'm not mad. I'm not even sad. These emotions want to be set free and rile up a storm, but I would rather stay numb. When you're feeling lonely and don't have your boyfriend there to eradicate the loneliness present, I will be there in a snap. When you're hungry and I have stocked snacks in my bag for Wednesdays, because I can't order school lunches on Wednesdays, because Wednesday's are half-days and everybody has the same lunch on half-days, meaning that I would have to sit down and eat in the presence of you and your boyfriend... which I'm not going to do... I'll give you my Wednesday meal because your comfort is more important than my livelihood. When I buy two hundred dollar tickets for me and my friend Gavin to see a YouTuber we really like, and I find out you like the YouTuber too, I'll tell my friend Gavin that I'm taking a girl with me and take you instead even though I told him half a year ago that he was going with me. That's why I put an 'ex-' before friend while mentioning him earlier, because in the process of doing this, he said that I was a ******* ***** and he didn't want to hang out with me anymore. I don't mind, because your smile during the concert was more than enough to light up my days for weeks after the event. When you're wanting to walk with me and you're walking slow because gym class made you sore, and I'm walking fast because I have crippling anxiety and all I want to do is get the **** out of this highly populated school... I'll slow down and walk at your pace. When Satan comes knocking at your ******* bedroom door and asks you to **** one and save one, one being me and the other being your boyfriend, I will gladly run to your house and jump on Satan's blade so you don't have to make any decisions.

No matter what the circumstance, realistic or not, I desire your happiness above everything else.

I love you...
I don't expect you to read my story. Just getting it out there helps, so that's what I'm doing. Thanks for any likes, loves, or responses.
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