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zelda 3d
i am barely breathing
   tell me this is not my destination
   i just want to ask you something—

is this where i truly belong?
  i am trying! oh god, yes, i am!
  when did it all go wrong?

all the lies i fed myself—it is becoming real
   i have always known it
   i was never meant to heal
no such thing as a crybaby im doing fine guys
zelda 3d
i think i have always been so tender with everything, but it crushes me every time. every person i loved, they always choose someone else over me. i guess that's how it's always been, and getting used to it was easy for me.
battlefield, yes. this world we live in is a battlefield.
a battle with yourself for self-loathing.
someone once told me
you never forget your first love
you always love them
maybe in some strange twisted way
your brain forgetting
all the pain they caused
you love them
and i think they were right
because in a way
i love you
and i think i always will
for some nonsensical reason
i will never see the world
the same because of you
and sometimes i wish
i could change that
erase you from my thoughts
as you distort them
with your unwavering power
but then i remember
i wouldn’t want it any other way
you have shaped me
into the person i am today
and because of that
and i wouldn’t change a thing

- i'll never forget you
Before you
Back when
Bottomless trenches
Coerced with whatever was left
With lullabies as morose as
the winds that we believed
gave us the frozen whip and
brought us back to life.
With what voice has ensued
me to regret each decision that has led
me further away from you.
Still-struck by a twitch of sparks
that was created in the midst of my agony

Before you
Back when
Foundations collided with fools
A casual wreckage betwixt the hate
A self loathing beyond measure
Broken and
Bedridden unto forgiveness
Willing and waiting for failure
that has justified my roots
And condemned us to pointlessness
Unable to remember
Which shattered memories built the love
That has sadly
Sunk into the abyss

Before you
Back when
I can’t tell which was then
And which one follows
the intentional pursuit to happiness
That we juggled with our bodies
While love making had a purpose
And finding ourselves in souls we
deemed liable
Can never be forgotten
Yet I must choose
To remember something else

Before you
Back then
Hell is nothing more than a passing
A stop in which I got off
And never returned
Yet I can’t deny you of such an illness
What comes after is only pain
What will do I have to find you again
All the books I read are sealed
the words are pretty
and not empty
so don't talk to me unless
you do expensive pain
money
Anger sizzles, popping like grease
little legs tremble, small and weak
Volumn so high, ears abused
dying inside from the words that were used
So much disappointment, head is buzzing
please, oh please, won't you just love me
Nightmares awake, they bruise, they bleed
ungrateful for all that's been given to me
"Dry those tears, stop that whining,
only babies do all that crying"
Echoes repeating, useless, stupid
clumsy, ungrateful, all I touch gets ruined
I know that I'm a burden, a mistake
Mama told me every single day
Verbal abuse on a child by their parent is everlasting
I want to cauterize my feelings,
walk on broken glass un-pained,
at least that would stop me from calling out
your name.
Faded as that 90’s graffiti on the train station walls,
Old locomotives, their engines cease to spin and sputter.
Little mice, too famished in their task, caress cogs and messages,
From places, too dark to read, the notes pile up.
Some, I think, may be blank.
Some, I could not read, as I scribbled those promises too fast.
A great mound of empty words made from a tree now dead.
The cogs move no more, I doubt they were ever connected before…


In line for a one-way ticket out of this grave land,
My baggage gripped tight with both hands- makes it difficult to keep in check,
I try to hide it with a smile, no one offers to help.
Surprisingly sullen, my every movement seems to echo from bold, cold walls,
The insignia behind the ticket master’s house is sprayed in red and it reads:
‘This was always a one-way trip’
I bite my lip, try to understand how to turn menace into sand,
This station is run by ghosts. I can feel them watching from holes in the wall.


I was asked by a stranger, “why did you come here”,
My staggered recoil from justice and reason must have been enough,
When I looked back, my persecutor was lost to an empty hall,
And the bones of this room can be seen when it breathes,
So clear, not seen the sun shine in a long time,
Startled like a bird falling into a pool, I wonder why I came here at all.


I talk to the ticket officer, this hat worn low, talking from a dark place,
I want to know, “the time of the next train please”,
But the man only holds my gaze, from beneath his low cap
Motionless, the spindly man holds all the cards, then blows away into the wind.
Left his own station in search of tracks. Somewhere remote
The sun is shining, and life is dead upon this new day.


Perhaps it is too early, I sit and wait for someone to talk to,
“You know that bag must be awfully heavy, please let me carry it for you”,
I shake my head and grip what is mine a little tighter,
“Don’t be afraid to let me in, I only want to help you free your light”,
But I don’t care for skin or bones, I set down my bag and watch,
The man of bones, with dreams larger than his stake,
Perhaps, if you were not so far away, you would have the strength to exist,
I look up to see the man who tried so frugally,
Met by dead air, perfectly comfortable- without a friend in the world.


I take a stroll down the decrepit tracks, cold air grasps at skin and sense,
Just to see the colour of the rust, and what the reaction was,
The trains and tracks are turning bitter-brown and discoloured purple,
Holes are manifesting themselves into the carriage, much less comfortable than I ever knew.
I step on the dead cartridge, much less comfortable than I ever-
Reliving a time when the carriage was bright, and laughter echoed the halls,
Far down the musky, dark-grey scope, I can hear the faint sobs of a child,
Inevitably, I find the kid, small and frail, sobbing into his hands from under his hat.


“Dear Michael, this carcass is the last place that I expected to find you”,
I kneel down beside the boy and tell him what comes from inside”
“You didn’t spend much time here when we were alive, I am leaving you Michael, your world is cold and dead”.
The boy trembles before sobbing turns to cold laughter,
He lifts his head and I peer into two dark and empty sockets,
Pristine, white bones contrast the encroaching darkness,
Michael tells me: “There is no leaving this place”.


The skeleton child’s words are empty.


A little while down the track, darkness pours from every crack,
Each train looks as dead as the one that was mine,
I follow a trail of disfunction to the end of the line,
Where I find a train, most unlike the rest, its silky black skin has been kept intact,
Monstrous, foreboding and intimidating, the conductor keeps the fire stoked,
Red mist puffs from the window, horror stagnant beauty feels and flows.


The walls of the carriage are meticulously decorated,
Framed pictures resting on crimson silk, a life frozen in time,
I am not welcome here,
Presently, a feral scream from far away- the engine room,
A mad man armed with fire eyed fury,
Jackal Rushes through moment and memory in fear and panic,
The first thing in this nightmare clad in skin,
The man stands still, full height, coloured in… I look into his eyes:


I fall back through twisted carriages.
Light.
Butterflies protecting fire from rain.
I sleep safe knowing that no one thinks of me.
I am writing a book. One day a character wanted to say something...
Ronin 4d
if you knew how much i love you
would you still be doing this?
you keep me in the middle
though all i'm asking is your kiss.

if you knew how much i love you
would you finally take me back?
how i long for words of comfort
and kisses on my neck

you say you know how much i love you
so why did you do this to me?
i'm not asking you for much
just your love, and i'd be happy as can be

but you just keep me waiting
making me doubt everything i know
if you'd know how much i love you
you wouldn't make me feel so low.
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