eli 2d
I lock myself into a room
I fall to the ground
I can't breathe
I cant see
   everything is
                  b
                      l
                   u
                   r
                      r
                   y
my tears cover my eyes
I don't know why
but these panic attacks won't stop coming
and I don't know why

am I overthinking too much again?
has my depression come back?
am I all alone again?
do I miss him too much?
I live in fear
Of fear itself
I walk along the fragile abyss of my sanity
Until one day I slip away
"Why am I still here? "

Why am I still here,
living in constant fear,
Although its not happened again,
Nothing can ever be the same...

I dont want to live with such pain,
The exhaustion and fear is intense,
I'm in my "safe space" now...
yet today I felt "behind the fence"

I will have to leave soon,
this sanctuary cannot last forever,
I will have to return once again,
Back to the same torture

I know im not ready to leave,
my body has been telling me so,
Until now I have felt so relaxed,
But now, my body says "no"

It has trapped my mind
in a new state of panic
with the fear of leaving
Is this fear and panic

I cannot do anything with ease,
I cannot even walk down the road,
For so long this has been "normal"
Yet now my brain feels "overload"

Overloaded with panic from nowhere,
Just the fear of leaving I guess,
Back to the painful unknown,
Back where my life is a mess....

I still look at my photos
I dont know who I am,
I dont know what happened,
I dont know how I can...

The fear is unexpected,
I feel no longer human,
Only the kids I work with
help me to carry on....

The people here - they think im sick,
because of the "winter sun"
What am I supposed to tell them?
That its my brain - not the sun?

Maybe this is the end of me
the end of fear and pain,
I am not afraid of dying,
It is better than being insane.

My time is coming to an end here,
and my life most likely too;
For all that I have left is here...
Its only here....in Soweto....
Conveying the feelings of terror and fear experienced prior to leaving my "safe haven", and having to return to a world where I feel I do not belong
He could have walked away,
For there were many a reason to do so;
But he never did;
He was there through the highs and lows.

I gave him many a reason
To walk away for good;
And yet he stayed beside me
While I was in his neighbourhood.

There were panic attacks, crying,
Semi madness, paranoia;
All the usual consequences of
Being assaulted a year earlier.

There were so many times
I expected him to be gone;
I warned him in fact that -
I’m not worthy – my people are gone!

There is no need to put up with me,
Its not good for your health;
I’m used to people disappearing,
I’ll deal with things myself.

For I am being punished,
It’s how its meant to be;
At least for those of us assaulted
....in the middle of the sea.

But of course he didnt understand,
He’s from a different culture;
He wasn’t afraid to hold my hand
And protect me from the torture.

He has probably never met anyone
As mad and unstable as me;
Coming to stay in Soweto
And feeling so totally free.

He saw my love of Soweto,
For the children, the people, and more;
He spent so much time exploring his home with me –
He’d learnt which combi to get door to door!

When I had to get to clinics,
Not just one, two, three, or four (!)
He spent two days right there with me
As we waited hours to reach the door.

He didnt have to do that,
He has work to do back home;
Yet even when I shouted at him –
He never left me alone.

Of course I apologised later,
Tried to help him understand;
That my brain does its own thing,
Yet he was still there to hold my hand.

He never once walked away,
And thats when it occurred to me;
What a complete cultural contrast
....to our “people of the sea”...

My “family” are now Sowetans,
Although i’ve known that for a while;
When the clinics registered me as an “African”
All I did was smile.

Of all the times I thought i’d given
A reason for him to abandon me,
There was one in particular –
Where he’d be fully justified to flee.

To protect yourself i’d understand,
You may need to walk away;
And yet he didnt – he put himself at risk
...to protect me, I have to say....

It’s not an easy place to live,
He could have walked away;
I’m forever grateful for his bravery
And that he didnt walk away.

For a place where for so long,
Segregation was the norm,
It has come such a very long way –
Since the day I was born.

My culture, mixed as it is
Has not suffered in this way;
Instead it shuns and alienates people
....if they “dont obey”....

Well done South Africa,
Though the problems you face are not gone;
You could teach a lot to “my people”..
..a culture that needs to be re- born.
Written on Mandela Day 2018; an account of the total contrast I found in a society so different to the one in which everyone I know...walked away.
Tanya Louise Aug 3
endless weight
and the stars still shine

sickening pressure
yet my heart still beats

deep down
enslaved raging butterflies

its too much
anxious heat

no relief
it goes on and on

a dramatic end?
endearing yet frightening
Qwn Aug 3
fear runs through every inch of your body alongside adrenaline,
your veins are on fire,
and your fingertips sting.
your mind is racing,
but time moves too slow.

its breath is taunting your movement.
you can't see,
but feel it getting closer.

you feel lightheaded,
and fear passing out from the lack of oxygen
in your body.
and the knot in your stomach prevents
you from running any faster.

you know it's right
behind you no matter how far away
you try to get.
Amarys Dean Jul 30
I have locked myself inside of my car in the middle of the school parking lot.
I can still hear the ringing of the bell that caused us to scatter out of the school like ants escaping from a disrupted colony ringing in my ears. I am no longer a fire ant, but a caged animal, and I’m not sure who the metal barrier around me is supposed to be protecting. I still don’t feel safe.
I am thinking about how the glass at the zoos muffles the sounds of the animals, and how you might miss their cries unless you stopped walking and got right next to the glass. I don’t want to be seen, but, at the same time, I am hoping and waiting for people to stop walking past me, stand next to my car, and listen.
I am laying down in my back seat like a wounded animal, and my screams are being muffled by me burying my face into the seat. I no longer feel like a caged animal, but a fish inside of a tank. I don’t know how long I have been crying, but I feel like I am drowning. You can’t hear noises in the water unless you are below the surface yourself. I feel like I am the exhibit in the aquarium that everyone ignores because whatever’s in the water is hiding under a rock.
My head feels as though it will explode, I can’t breathe, everything is blurry, my chest hurts, I can’t stop crying, and I have convinced myself that I am dying. When my cousin was three, he would have died if my dad had not performed cpr on his blue, limp little body after he was pulled out of the pool. Now, he is eleven, and he knows how to swim, but I don’t have the heart to tell him that you don’t need water to drown.
Now, I am wishing that I had been the one that drowned that day.
I am sitting in a fish tank, I have no gills and I can not breathe.
My screams are silent, nobody can hear me, and I am kicking the inside of the car to try and make some noise, but everyone has gone home by now.
I am able to breathe again and I have grown a pair of lungs.
I am sitting in a zoo after closing hours, and all I can do is practice my roar and try to be heard again in the morning.
based on true events, January 2017
emily Sarker Jul 28
Leaning against the wall,
I slid down and sat there on the cold ground.
Quiet on the outside,
but in the inside
I was screaming.
With my Head on the cold dead ground
I pulled my legs in close to my body arms over my head.
I Curled up into a position that a human body merely wasn't made to find comfortable.
I lay still
So many emotions ran through my head.  
To handle these emotions seemed foreign to me,
For I did not know what emotions I was feeling.
Tears streamed down my face while I lay quiet and still.
Frustration of not knowing why I was crying or if this was what it felt like when sadness took over me was driving me insane.
Yet I lay still.
Not one scream
not one change in my face
not one limb flinched.
Weak and tired I cried the tears that my body could still produce.
Until I began to fall asleep
As tiredness and failure took over me
I gave into my mind and laid still as my mind cooled down and celebrated victory with a dream
I have never been able to understand or grasp what fully happens in an anxiety attack but this poem describes the last stages of  one where you give into your mind as everything gets slow and you eventually knock out from the inner war you fought against your mind. Anxiety attack are unknown  to the human mind
Qwn Jul 26
I live in a constant state of
increased heartrates
and
panicky breaths,
I can feel my chest tighten,
and my lungs scream
as if they're being starved for air.
I'm not sure when I closed my eyes
but I know I must've because everything
is dark,
my arms feel as though they've fallen off,
and I can feel something
crushing my throat.
I can now only hear my pounding heart
echo off these walls
and maybe this is death.
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