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E 1d
In the nightmares I’m drowning
I just want to sleep
I want to recover, but I’m in too deep
Your eyes haunt me, asleep or awake
This feeling of happiness, I no longer can fake.
My heart aches, while my brain wins
Constant thoughts and hurt over your sins
Stop did not mean stop,
It only meant you pretended not to hear
For in the moment, I was shocked
And frozen in fear
I play that scene over and over
And even now fear any lover
Sounds make me cringe
While scents make me weak
I can’t even stand to look
Or touch pale blue sheets
I’m exhausted, a mess and falling apart
I often times feel I’m without heart
My thoughts are consumed
With knives on my skin
I close my eyes and only see your orgasmed grin
I feel like I’m drowning, my chest tight and aches
The knife a reminder of pain and mistakes
I’m a girl lost forever, while no one really cares
I’m a statistic, a number
A ***** in your eyes, with heartache to bear
Possible trigger warning
"you're alright."
"it's just a panic attack."
"he's not here."

no, you don't understand.
he is here.
he never left.

he’s not in between my legs,
but he’s still invading my mind.

I don't feel like
myself anymore.

I'm not myself anymore,
not fully.

he's still inside of me.
he never left.
Anxiety.
Shes taken so much from me.
I placed her on people
And situations.
But it was simply her and I,
Our voices shaking.

From the beginning,
I tried to escape her.
But she was so rooted
Inside of me.
My only release
Was to turn it all off
And trust the ground
In front of me.

Simple things,
Simple moments,
Became nightmares
And real fears
To look someone in the eyes
And try so hard to feel
absolutely
nothing

I could say it was the loss
I could say it was that night
But its not true

On the best day
With the best people
She tells me
I'll never be enough

And I can feel it,
I feel her right now.
Its the only way she let's herself out
I breathe
Steadily
Unsteady
My heart races
And slows
So that I start to feel sick
And you're looking at me
Wondering
What the hell im thinking
And I just want you to see
That I'm strong
But she's winning
As I sink
And I plan for her arrival
I look for the softest ground to land on
I try to inhale the fresh air
Until it fills my lungs
But the room starts to fade
And I know its her time
I count to 10
But usually don't make it to 5
And when I wake
To faces I've never known
They look away and laugh
And I just wish I was home.
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off
And fight the urge to explain myself
to the people that can't see her.
Mystery faces veiled with fear. A worldwide masqeurade.
Faces hidden disappearing in this maniacal charade
Suppressed panic spurts of manic
Just let this virus fade
Fingers crossed and prayers uplifted
We all hope to evade
Depression strengthened anxiousness
The foundation has been laid
Masses herded like they're cattle
All because we are afraid.
Weaponized death in full effect
Mankind has been enlaved
My thoughts about life during this pandemic.
the scent of eucalyptus
smells like trauma

and rooms with purple walls
are challenging to breathe in

and occasionally, I meet
someone whose voice
flies straight through
my ears and rushes
to my memories.
I can't hear them.
I can only hear my past.

I know that
to anyone who
doesn't know me,
I am confusing.

you can tie me up
and **** me hard.
I like the pain.

but touch my feet,
and I will attack you.

and I won't warn you.
I won't tell you that once,
an ex broke nine of my toes
so I couldn't run away.
you'll never know.

you can smoke
standing next to me.
it wont bother me.
I smoke too.

but move your hand
a little too fast
while you're holding
a lit cigarette or joint,
and I will attack you.

and I won't warn you.
I won't show you
the cigarette burn scars
that he left on my skin.
you'll never know.

you can take me to a
concert where the bass
shakes the floor.
I'd love that.
the noise doesn't
bother me at all.

but there are some tunes
that practicing musicians
sometimes play on the drums.
play those, and
I will attack you.

and I won't warn you.
I won't tell you that
my ****** was in a band.
he was their drummer;
maybe he still is.
you'll never know.

I panicked once
in my sleep, and the man
who I fell in love with
tried to comfort me.
I didn't recognize him.

by the time I did,
he had blood on his shirt
dripping from his nose.
I had blood on my knuckles.

I didn't want to hurt him.
I don't want to hurt
anyone who I love.
I don't want to attack you, or
have to warn you that I might.'

I'm not violent, I swear.
that isn't me.
I would never hurt you.

but for a moment,
when I hear or taste or
smell or see something
that triggers me,
that isn't me.

it's my body, yes,
but it's not me inside.
I have retreated deep
inside of myself,
and all that's left
is a hollow shell
made of my skin.

for a moment, I become
a person trying to survive a
threat that is no longer there.

for a moment, I won't know
that it's you. I won't see you or
feel you or hear you talking to me.

because for a moment,
you smell like trauma.

for a moment, you make it
challenging to breathe.

for a moment,
my brain won't register
that you are you.

all you are to me
in those moments
is another danger.

I don't want to hurt you.
it's the opposite.

I want to escape so that
you can't hurt me.
Worry a'creapin
Confusion sets
Nerves are startled
Fear Upsets

Minds a racin'
Thoughts implode
Face is flushed
Fear Explodes

Hearts a'flutter
Chest tightens up
Voices stutter
Fear Erupts

Hearts a'poundin
Sweat then rolls
Panic resounding
Fear unfolds

Deaths a'loomin
Dreads attack
All consuming
Fear is back

Peace a'buildin
Calm ensues
If Gods willing
Fear defused
I learned a 2 beat structure similar to this from a friend on Facebook. I took what I learned and put my own twist on it by bouncing back and forth between 2 and 3. Even kind of a 3-4. I think it sounds better with that beat rather than a constant 2. As if I did anything to explain what I mean by a beat-structure lol. Its just my personal language that I use. I used that structure while thinking about anxiety and this is the result.
Lyn-Purcell Oct 20

I feel the cracks pulse
Though they lay so skin deep
I'm so weary
And fearful
And then I wonder, why
Why do I seek healing from
the thing or things
that harmed me most?


Sarah Flynn Oct 20
once, you opened a box of Tic Tacs
and I smacked it out of your hands,
and I watched as all of those
little mints fell to the floor.

you looked at me in shock
and asked,
"why did you do that?"

and I went silent.

I didn't know how to tell you
that it was impulse, because
Tic Tacs make the same sound
as benzos do when they're rattling
around inside a pill bottle.

__________

once, we got into an argument
over something stupid,
and we yelled at each other
and we both said things
that we didn't mean.

you got up to leave
but I had stolen your car keys.
you couldn't go anywhere.
I locked myself in my room
and you fell asleep on my couch.

the next day,
I gave them back to you
and again, you asked,
"why did you do that?"

and I went silent.

I didn't know how to tell you
that you could've crashed and
your car could've gone up in flames
and you could've never made it home

and if that happened, the last thing
that I would've ever said
to you would be "I hate you."
and if that happened,
I would never forgive myself.

__________

once, I woke up screaming
and you tried to comfort me
with a hug, and when I felt that,
I hit you as hard as I could.

when your nose
finally stopped bleeding,
and you had gone through
and entire box of tissues,
you looked at me and asked,
"why did you do that?"

and I went silent.

I didn't know how to tell you
that almost every night, I relive
experiences that I wish I never had.

I couldn't tell if I screamed out loud
or if it was only in my head.
I couldn't tell my nightmares
apart from reality, because
my dreams always feel so real.

I couldn't tell that it
was just you hugging me,
because your embrace
reminded me of the man who
held me down once and
hurt me in ways that I'll never forget.
I didn't know how to say that
every night, he reappears in my head.

I spend all day fighting off my past, and
when I let myself relax to go to sleep,
I let my guard down. and he returns
to haunt me all over again.

__________

once, you packed your bags
and you told me that you were leaving.
you were crying and so was I, and it felt
like my entire world was imploding
and on the verge of collapse.

I wiped away a tear
from my cheek and asked,
"why would you do that?"

for a moment, you went silent.

and when you answered, you told me
that you didn't know me,
and I realized that you were right.

every time you had asked me
who I was, I went silent.

when you asked about my trauma,
you were asking me who I was

and this whole time,
I hadn't realized that my trauma
was such a big part of me.

I hate having to accept it,
but I know that it's true.

my trauma made me who I am,
and I don't like that person.
Matt Oct 14
I jumped to a conclusion,
from such a height,
they said it was a suicide,
I think they might have been correct.

Emotion overwhelmed me,
the desperation of the moment took hold,
I acted rashly,
without thinking it through
and just like that desperate man on the bridge,
my foot untouched the edge,
the gravity of the situation pulled me down
and all that was left,
was regret.
Meg Thompson Sep 30
Anxious and in a panic, everyone is staring at me.
I ask a question and next thing I know you’re yelling at me.
The room is spinning and I need to escape.
Tears flowing, heartbreak showing.
Insult after insult, and five minutes later you’re trying to have a normal conversation with me as if it never happened.
What happened to my mind?
Maybe it’s floating somewhere where I feel safe.
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