Tin man, on the eve of tin,
your apology rings hollow.
I think that you
were only trying to
crack a window,
find a space to crawl back in,
erase me some more.
Meanwhile, the police
are off investigating
crimes that happen in
real time. They like
to catch their perps
red-handed. Even with you
cast in the limelight,
confirming that what you did
to me was real,
it was my own nightmare.
I know, we fall into
that grey area.
In a garden of blooms
you walk freely,
inhaling and dreaming
those yet untouched
pink and yellow buds.
he said, “stop apologizing.”
it’s a bad habit of mine.
I apologize even when
I know I’m not at fault.
he said, “stop apologizing.”
I didn’t even realize I was.
it’s an automatic response that
I’ve been programmed to use.
he said, “stop apologizing.”
I tried to notice when it happened,
but it’s not an easy habit
to unlearn after years of training.
he said, “seriously, stop apologizing.”
I said “I’m sorry.”
You brought me flowers
Was honestly surprised
Certainly were beautiful
Betrayal cleverly disguised
I awoke without you there
Note explaining where you went
When you came home with a big bouquet
Knew exactly what that meant
That in the hours you were away
Had done something I’d disapprove
Suspicions were confirmed by that gesture
I had no way to prove
Sifted through your phone of course
You’re good at covering tracks
Had plans to meet up with some girl
Was told to chill and relax
That you did not actually follow through
Stopped to drop off some dope
Her and a couple of other people
Reason for me to mope
It was other errands you ran
Took so long
Don’t know if you expect me to believe
Or you just don’t care
You thought you were sneaky and smart
Bringing somebody along
Because if you had a chaperone
Could you have done anything wrong?
Which would have worked eons ago
I’m catching on to your tricks
Hard as I try to tear down your walls
You’re faster stacking bricks
I ask from you the truth
Though i give more in return
By now should be used to the sadness
My stupid heart refuses to learn
I keep asking what’s wanted from me
Thinking I’m not worthy of a reply
Maybe you don’t know the answer
Either way I am left asking why
Why can’t you stop slipping away?
Out of hands and into the air
All we’ve been through
Ups and downs
Now do you not want me there?
I am hoping this is just a phase
Patient I force myself to be
You get it out of your system
Like you when waiting for me
I have made poor choices in the past
Forgive me but can’t forget
Tried to move forward and start over
I can tell it still makes you upset
I suspect that is justification
Smashing my heart to pieces
I hate myself for all that I am
Your attraction decreases
I do not know when feelings shifted
It’s clear yours aren’t the same
Maybe til now you were pretending
Whole relationship simply a game
My head beyond damaged
Stories that don’t make sense
I am going crazy
Issues seem so immense
I am easily manipulated
By your hand
Into different shapes
I can no longer stand
You are my biggest weakness
Temptation I can’t resist
I can’t have you for my own
Should I even exist?
I should thank you for your presence
You come home to me each night
As you spend days with other women
I fear you can’t stand my sight
I wish I could trust like before
You won’t give deceit a rest
See through your veil of loyalty
Know better than protest
Did you get her a present?
If the floral arrangement was just for me
May not be fair to hate her
Probably shares my agony
Except has the worse half of the deal
I get most of your heart
Rest is scattered in pieces
Others have a tiny part
They should have common decency
Respect the commitment we share
Since it clearly doesn’t matter to you
Why would they bother to ******* care?
I am aware I am a lucky girl
Call you my best friend
If you no longer picture a future together
Don’t prolong the end
I do not know how to change this
To make you happy once more
Hold the flood of tears inside
The second you walk out the door
Then waterfalls gush out of eyes
Rivers of snot flow from nose
Have no interest in hearing my sorrows
I won’t burden you with my woes
I try maintaining composure
You are near
Should be able to sense my emotions
Not as stable as they appear
But you are constantly distracted
I pour my all into a relationship
Grows more and more one-sided
Even if you stop buying presents
Come back to the house less and less
I will remain devoted and true
Never fixing this mess
Roses the closest I will get
Any sort of apology
Someday you won’t buy me flowers
You’ll only need to be with me
Why is it the only time you act romantic is when you **** me off???
I'm sorry for what I am
I'm sorry for not being good enough
I try as hard as I can to change
There's some things that I wish would go away
There are parts of me that I wish would just die
I'm sorry for being resentful
I'm sorry for being full of Hate
I try to leave my past behind me, but every time I turn away, it's staring me in the face
I know I can be better
That I can be more
I can see a new me at the end of the tunnel, but my demons hold me in place
I'm sorry for pushing you away
I'm sorry for driving you insane
I may not have much to really live for, but what I have is surely more than enough
I'm sorry for all the wrong I do
Can you forgive me? I love you.
"sorry, always sorry. what are you sorry for?"
within my grasp
even outside of it
if I didn't say sorry
I would fall apart
like a flower
when pulled all the wrong ways"
I used you
I used you so long that I broke you
I tried to forget about the pain in my chest
I tried to numb myself by chasing your love that was never meant for me
I know you might not forgive me
I truly never thought about it this way until I healed myself.
what are apologies worth?
do they mend broken souls
or fix broken homes...
I see it as a placebo .
we want them because we think it'll make everything better
but they don't .
they just remind us of the rotten memories and unhealed wounds...
so, to all the girls that I've hurt ,
I'm not sorry .
the best thing I can do is to let you grow,
admire you flourish from afar
accept the fact that I wasn't ready for you .
I'm sorry for not having your back
for not giving you the time and effort
for not being the one you'll be happy with
I'm sorry for being too conscious
for keeping myself away from all trouble
for being the 'spectator' in this chapter
I'm sorry for not being much of a help
for being lazy all the time
for procratinating even on rough works
I'm sorry I haven't got the energy
for all the things life may throw at me
for every flag I forget to tie up
I'm sorry I've been too much of a bother
for letting myself run around temptations
for having the giddy personality
I'm sorry I haven't been smiling much
for I'm totally lost in this space
for the wave takes me to an ethereal place
I'm sorry I only wanted appreciation
for I'm a thick-headed fool
for this time I'll be wanted
I'm sorry...please keep me hanging...
from the ledge of eternity...
I have avoided worse things from the dodgiest of sources
Candy-Cane *******, black-eyed beer bottles,
a blunt to the face, and every boy on second street,
You see, you cannot split me down the middle
I have been glued back at my creases
Not mended by abstaining from Gin & Rummy
But considering the freedom these indulgences might bring to me
What if **** and other natural sedatives were saints
The candy-cane ******* was a holiday ordeal
What if the black-eyed beer bottles lacked purposes
And my sips could simultaneously save them and make me forget everything.