I’m closed off and reserved.
But you see past that wall.
I hide behind Indifference;
Begging that it wouldn’t let you through.
I didn’t understand what I was feeling.
I didn’t know what to do.
I bottled it up.
But,
Eventually, you were let through.
What did you want me to do?
I tried to hide yet you found me.
You held my hand, you told me it would be okay.
You told me that I was normal.
Why did you lie?
You told me I was feeling something called love.
But I haven’t felt that for someone in years.
So why would I feel it now?
You weren’t special.
Never will be.
You faded into dust. And I couldn’t be more happy.
Because my feelings were wrong. I never loved you, I never will.
But I still have one question.
“What’s love?”

"What are you thinking about?" they ask.

"Nothing." I say.

Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.

But nothing has a name,
 and it curls on my tongue like a prayer I am too afraid to speak.

Nothing is the weight pressing against my ribs,
 the static behind my eyes,


the hands I reach for in dreams only to wake up clawing at the empty sheets.

Nothing is the hum in my bones when the world goes quiet.


The shadow behind my every thought.


The ghost in my periphery that never fades.

I carry her like a sickness with no fever.


Like a hunger that will not break.


Like a whisper that loops and loops and loops


until I cannot tell where she ends and I begin.

And still, they ask me—
"What are you thinking about?"

And still, I say—
"Nothing."

But what they do not understand,
 what they will never understand,
 is that Nothing is constant.


Nothing is endless.

Nothing is mine,

but not yet.

Not yet.

God, not yet.

And it is unbearable.

Because Nothing is in my bloodstream.


Nothing is in my lungs.


Nothing is the pulse behind my teeth
 when I bite down too hard trying to keep her from spilling out.

Nothing is the way my words slip sideways,
breaking, bending, coming undone in all the wrong places.

Nothing is the reason I lose track of time,


the reason my thoughts tangle,


the reason I can stand in a crowded room and still feel


alone.

I could scream.

I could tear my own mind apart just to carve her out of it,
 but I know I would only find more of her buried beneath.

So I wait.

I wait.

I sit in the silence and let Nothing fill me.


I live in the space between now and someday,


where she is not yet mine,
 but will be.

And when they ask me again—


"What are you thinking about?"

I will smile.


And I will lie.

"Nothing."

Nothing works,
I took all they gave.
Therapy,
Diagnoses,
Drugs.

And they took all I had.
Blades,
Technology,
Privacy,
My sense of self.

All to get "better."
"Better."

It seems that nothing works.
I'm just the same as before.
Or - I can't remember before,
I don't think I was there for that,
I was off where my own thoughts couldn't hurt me
(Maybe it got so bad because I wasn't there. I let go of my body and let It take the steering wheel and steer me towards my death.)

All I know is that right now, I feel like
nothing.
nothing.
nothing.

You were supposed to fix it.
What happened?
Why does nothing work?

numb and drained
life is being ****** from me
its vibrant colors slowly fading to gray
leaving me empty

life has no meaning
i'm not living this way
only existing because im a coward
afraid to throw it all away

a pull of a trigger
a swipe of a knife
small simple things
to end my life

this isn't a plea
no i don't want your sympathy
go take it and use it
for someone other than me

drowning
the once ceaseless erupting globules of life on the surface
grow less frequent
lachrymosity ebbs out of your lungs
like a bleeding wound
your body goes limp
but you feel somewhat at peace

the weight of the water silences the voices
it envelops you
into an emancipating abyss in between what seems like life and death

suddenly
you are flung out of the water
your body arches
as air fills your lungs once again
eyes shoot open
you see the world as it is
you see what lies beyond the crater of darkness.

you get a taste

before you are pushed down again
forced into the depths
even though you want to live,
even though you want to experience joy
but the shackles of the abyss are put on you once again

this time
instead of serenity
all you feel is longing
your body aches to see the world again
you are denied
until once again your crater becomes all you ever knew
the darkness feels comforting.

but that's not the way it works.
we don't get comfort.

you are flung between the world and the abyss
over and over again
as the clutches of the demon in your mind
torments you with the knowledge
the knowledge of knowing what you can never truly have.

because you and i?
well the abyss is all we ever knew.

this side of my skin
hides what lies within
a perfect shell
hiding my inner hell

this side of me
hides what you can see
what i hide
what's trapped deep inside

outside as perfection
inside a deadly infection
it spreads through my soul
its darkness swallowing me whole

this side of my skin
protects what i hide within
keeps my thoughts hidden
because what they say is surely forbidden

world, forget me
as i'm nothing special
a blank slate
with no motivation

i stay sedimentary
afraid to fail
how can i fly
if i wont take a leap

world, forget me
i have nothing to offer
nothing to share
just an empty shell

a passing character in someone's story
i'll never be the one they read for
my life is nothing but trials
all which i've failed

world, forget me
please i beg you
don't waste your time
trying to see me as who i was meant to be