the sadness
is back again
i don't know why
it just seems like every time
i get better
or
i move forward
the world tilts
and all of a sudden
i am no longer running away
i am running into the darkness
always running
and i'm tired
so tired

(Written from my best friend's viewpoint. I hope she gets better soon.)

In search of release,
Autumnal gusts escape me.
A sorrow shower.

Few rules of the careless rapid streams
Without change of pace, as they sink some rubble in
It's the mainframe of the bitter squeal that you let out with,
Secondary values, disregard the secondary values
It's the copacetic sigh, isn't it?
You declare that it's debonaire, you admit that it's labourous

Had happened sometime in my youth
Have been happening since that other times, when you were dissipated
Will have happened in sometimes, by the time of your departure

Fabled means of cornered whims trade themselves for gust of winds
I yearn the tranquility of static clouds, but all beneath my skin is mere rush of turbulent doubt
Beam of clashing has sheepishly disclosed to me,
"I can't stand this anymore, sincere mourn for your fate enclosed"
Maybe, just maybe,
All the least that are kind enough not to fail,
These zealous arms, these meticulous arms, these fervent chants,

Where the ocean brings me, why should it matter to me?
It barely bears any form of tangency to me,
Barely any compromised concern, adequate enough for some gravity of proof
Minuscule enough, but daydreaming is an expansive reality
The least I look back in anger, for some restless ticks, instead of upholding ridiculous rules,
The more I will wail, the less I will wound

Waves bring each one of us chances, upon waves clash each one of us senseless
Upon reflection as it refuses us of imminent reborn
March in this ephemeral night, hope as universe alligns this time
"Or maybe another time, or maybe another time"
It's the static flame, isn't it?
You declare that it's significant, you admit that it's incurable

i brought my Fear and Trembling to the hills
i don't want to think of the stacking bills
those trivial things no longer give me the thrills
or the quiet love that slowly kills

“...why bother remembering a past that cannot be made into a present?”

that line had me bent
all the things i thought i could mend
why must i fall towards the deep end

i must reflect upon what is past

but life must be lived forward...;

Before you
Back when
Bottomless trenches
Coerced with whatever was left
With lullabies as morose as
the winds that we believed
gave us the frozen whip and
brought us back to life.
With what voice has ensued
me to regret each decision that has led
me further away from you.
Still-struck by a twitch of sparks
that was created in the midst of my agony

Before you
Back when
Foundations collided with fools
A casual wreckage betwixt the hate
A self loathing beyond measure
Broken and
Bedridden unto forgiveness
Willing and waiting for failure
that has justified my roots
And condemned us to pointlessness
Unable to remember
Which shattered memories built the love
That has sadly
Sunk into the abyss

Before you
Back when
I can’t tell which was then
And which one follows
the intentional pursuit to happiness
That we juggled with our bodies
While love making had a purpose
And finding ourselves in souls we
deemed liable
Can never be forgotten
Yet I must choose
To remember something else

Before you
Back then
Hell is nothing more than a passing
A stop in which I got off
And never returned
Yet I can’t deny you of such an illness

This isn't a poem that I could write easily.

It is but a reply to a kind girl I cherish. That I hope she never reads.

On awful days like this I think of you, though I shouldn't.
The spiteful guy who knows you betrayed him.
Should the book of life be written, I would argue it's pages to say you betrayed me.
Lo, the poison spreads.

I can't help that you are human.
That you were broken over and over again by your abusers.
And hate these arms of mine for being one of them.
Lo, the toxin wears.

I am a tired man who curses those to whom he protects.
When you smiled at me, I felt truly alive!
I have gone too long without that smile. It is kept from me and these loving eyes.

Because these eyes are killers eyes.
This heart, will rise again.
And my soul will corrupt.
The price I pay for being a big fat liar.

And the pain I feel for loving someone for whom it is impossible to love. One disgusting hopeless narcissist to another.

---------Thoughtful Strangers letter---------

If we meet, I'd like to watch the sunset with you. And call you a pathetic woman with no talent whatsoever at finding happiness. And a ***** who is so predictable, I could tell her future looking into dog **** rather than a crystal ball. That I actually wanted you to save me from the disgusting people I called family. And that unlike you, I was enlightened to understand just why I have to think through everything in front of me. I don't drink, I don't smoke and I don't do drugs like you because I don't have the luxury of serving my own purpose of self-satisfaction because this body won't let me. That you broke my heart when these, my only pair of eyes made you feel afraid when I looked at you in my most loving gaze.

Now I look into the mirror and see something disgusting that truly should not exist. So before I die, never feeling the touch of one who loves me. I hope you suffer. Just like I always knew you would and wanted you to. I hope you die ******. That horrible future I see is a lot kinder than the hell I've been confined too. Trapped like a cockroach. With a beautiful heart that poisons everything it touches. And hurts every time it remembers that he has no friends.

I can only hope it's easier not to care.

Where's the hug I've needed in the hard moments?
Only verses embrace my mental instability.
I would wish some super escape ability,
But I've lost even the power to wish...

No hope for the Bohemian...
What meaning does this phrase hold?
My lone madness has finally driven me mad,
Every line is sad, mad, bad that ever I had had, "had".

Ambiguous doubts assure my hopeless future goals.
Every step of mine has fallen in pity pit-holes,
But a writer easily accepts what is written...
What is waiting for the Bohemian?

To my future
A frontier of fragments
fallen and fooled forfeit
To my faith
Fibbing for flesh
Soon finding forever
Needs not a fulfilled fervor
To my friend
A flagship of failures
for each other’s fears
To my (very) first
Finding a farewell
To fit the feeling
of factual flaws
Forever fighting you
over face values
Forgiving less and less
at which point we forget
how to fix us.

**** this ******* hurts

There are so many things.
Moments.
Embraces.
Jokes.
Kisses.
Comforting words.
Lovely scents from intricate bottles.
The feeling of your fingers gliding up and down.
Then the electric hum that cascades afterward.
A list that can extend to the heavens.
Is now a momento to a time that i wished would also be unending.
Im not bleeding.
Im not breathing..
Im not achieving...
I tried to move mountains.
And failed.
I tried to be more than i was.
And stumbled.
I tried to do what others could not.
And lost..
I want so badly to encompass and embody all that was needed.
Yet it sadly consumed me and spat me out of pity.
Why are there days coming that should have your presence...
And now don't.
What purpose can there be in being in love..
When it can grow else where at anytime.
Anger crippled our relationship..
But neglect was the rocket fuel.
I fear that heart brake may be the end.
For motivation to BE is slipping.
You will always be beautiful.
Always be generous and kind.
You will be the woman i will need to compare to others.
And will never come close.
You are going to be last thing on my mind for the rest of my life..
And that..is something that i will sadly cherish.
Perhaps i will be worth it just like you are.
Maybe one day..this sorrow will end.