sarah 5h
am i mad?

someone please explain
how the fog in my head never fades.

how my eyes forget the faces i've seen,
how i can know the world but the world doesn't know me;

how i am a prisoner inside my own mind.

why the loneliness never fades.

the shadows talk and when i answer them
life moves out of focus and i am here but not here,
awake but asleep.
Let me take it back to my childhood
When six flags was still called wildwood
Where I had every race as a neighbor
We were all working class trying to make it out of our hood
My best friend back then was a white kid
We was tight he liked the same things I did
Despite us being different colors, man
We were tight as Elmer's, and we called each other brothers
While I was trying to keep my Nikes clean
He was trying to scuff his Chucks up
He was grunge, I was fresh we were young
And we cuss along to rap trying to sneaking into punk clubs
But things changed when his pops got laid off
He blamed my father for the loss of his job
He said immigrants robbed citizens jobs
And I better never set foot again in his yard
As we became adults in a cult called America, he got himself a job as an officer of law
My thoughts got blacker and his views got cracker
There was no way backwards, to the roots at heart
Many years apart, I recognized him in the news
He shot a black man that was sitting in his car
Near the same park where we used to shoot hoops
And all I could blame was the cause

You grew up
No you didn't change
You were made the same
As those before you came
You grew up
All our growing pains
Were given like our names
You just bought the blame
You grew up

You ever have a friend that became a fanatic
Most of you all haven't
But if you ever did
You'd understand the one thing they all have in common
That somebody took advantage of their damage as a kid
I knew a guy who's folks were professors
Proof in the flesh that Allah was a blesser
Grew up in a mid-western town, where there weren't many brown people he could seek reflection
Got picked on in school during lectures
Graduated hating everybody in his class
Picked on because he prayed five to the east
And he didn't eat meat that Allah said was bad
One day a man approached him in a mosque
Changed his life when he asked him a question
Do you ever feel your life was a loss
And what if I could teach you that life is a weapon
Attracted strong to the feeling of acceptance
He was soon gone with delusions of a cause
People of the present had faces of the past, make it easier to blast them if he feel they did him wrong
You can raise a child in a house full love
But can't keep them safe in a world full of hate
So he blew up
The only mistake that could hold all the blame

You grew up
No you didn't change
You were made the same
As those before you came
You grew up
All our growing pains
Were given like our names
You just bought the blame
You grew up

My heart's a jug and when I was born it was filled with love
It ranneth over, life ran me over till I spilled the blood
I poured the cups and I left it up you to say enough
Never ending, never quenching, I sealed it up
Tried to change my reality but settled for, real enough
Life is better when you're thinking lesser go on give it up
When I was younger I was so determined I would change it all Couldn't fly but wasn't chained to fall
So where is it I put the blame and cause
Well, I grew up
Amanda 3d
I'm going mad for you
The good kind of insane
I would rather go crazy for you
Than be with anyone else and sane
I know I am crazy but I'm also amazing
Our emotions have gone into overdrive.
And we can't tell the difference
between mad and sad.
We're boiling over with frustration
and going numb in our hearts.
The incredible indecisiveness
is too much to bear
when there are too many problems
that we have to face.
I am mad.
For me the earth stops spinning
When I see a tear falling down
From your eyes.
Danielle Mar 15
Perish the thought!  
In fact, let’s drown it in a cup of tea.
I love how short this poem is and how much it expresses
Stop telling me that I'm not fat

I stepped on the scale this morning knowing full well I gained weight

I was not expecting to make it up to 140 though

I was wrong

I thought I could keep off the weight I fought so hard to lose

But no, looks like this is going to be a lifelong struggle for me

I'll always have to think about what I eat


I've gained 8lbs

It doesn't matter what's muscle or how much my boobs weigh

Even if they're legit, I'm going to quit making excuses

I have to starve myself again

I hated that the most

More than going to the gym

More than never eating anything good

The hunger

500 kcal a day, or I was never going to see any results

And it was true

I can't eat 1500 kcal without gaining something

My metabolism is non-existent


The thing that has really been killing me is everyone else

That false hope

“You're not fat.”

I don't even know why I ever agreed or let them get to me

Even after losing 20lbs I was still fat at 132, I still had 20 or so lbs to go

But maybe my clothes were too flattering, or they were too nice

I don't care if you are 500lbs

Don't tell me I'm not fat

Don't tell me I'm not allowed to feel fat

I'm not skinny-passing and I never have been

I'm not some skinny girl looking for attention or reassurance

I don't care if that's your honest opinion

I don't care if you'd rather be at my weight or would be happy at my weight

I hate my naked body

I could never pull off a bikini

I'm living in reality

I know what other people would honestly think

Fat is fat

I could weigh so much more, but it doesn't matter

I've already passed the threshold of what is considered fat

From a health standpoint I might be better off

I might not be that hard to look at naked but I'm still fat

Quit telling me I'm not allowed to feel fat because I don't meet your requirements

This is something I struggle with just as much as someone at 200 or 300 or 400

I feel ugly, unwanted, disgusting

I know it has a hand in my love life

I need exercise equipment at home

I'm too self-conscious to go out running or jogging

I don't want anyone to see me

This ends now

I give up

I'm ready to trade it all for a body I love and am proud of
elizabeth r Mar 8
it'll stop hurting like this, eventually.
you might feel a twinge of pain when you pass the bakery where you two once ate too much chocolate cake or when you hear the song he once sang to you in the car.
the hurt will wash over you
and remind you what life used to be like with him.
but the pain will be rare, an occasional, gentle symbol that you have moved on.

future lovers will ask you about him,
and the wound won't feel as raw as it once did.
you will describe your love and your loss of him,
and you won't feel daggers in your chest as you describe the way you locked eyes with him and felt the world stop.
you will, as foolish as it may appear, still hold love in your heart for him.

you will despise this, that you simply can't hate him.
friends from before will look at you with questioning eyes when you don't fill up with burning anger at the mention of his name.

you will feel wrong,
because somehow you love him even now,
because you can't completely remove him from your mind.
others will tell you that you never fully moved on.

but, in truth, you did the exact opposite.
to feel hatred is much easier than to feel love for an ex lover who broke your heart in two.
to cringe at the soft scent of the chocolate cake you once shared at the rose covered shop at the end of the street does more harm than good, but, instead, to savor it, to remember the good in it, is progress.

holding the pain within you will leave a permanent scar on your body that no amount of spiteful words about him will ever heal,
but letting it go through you,
and realizing that your relationship wasn't black and white, that he is tinted grey, that the love you feel for him only proves how deeply and incredibly you care,
that's truly moving on.
We wear stained jeans
Blood red
Our hearts are made of metal,
oh, well, oh, well
Our brains are made of glass,
mad, yes, mad, yes
And for eyes we have black holes instead
What a curse, always wrong
Sought by savages among us,
They rip out our golden teeth,
sing, pretty
sing, pretty pretty little bird
They cut out our silver tongues,
oh, speak, bright angel
I thought you called my name
What a curse, always right
Sometimes the pools of tears are all we find
I'm not ready for the knife

We see trouble straight
Glass eyes
Our fists are made of bone
Oh, shit, oh, shit
Our souls made out of paper
Sad, yes, sad, yes
Sent by death, the living seek us
What a curse, telling only truths
Can you hear us coming?
Crawl inside a jungle bed
Mad dreams make life deadly
I want you to think about my head
Mad dreams made life deadly
What did we put in them again
We remember tomorrow but we prefer to
All go back to bed and sink into the past instead
What a curse, telling only lies
Shadows are all we ever came here to find
I already told you twice

We chose this life
Devil's souls
Our fears are made of roses
Why, then, why, then,
Our lungs are made of ash
Dark, yes, dark, yes
And now our minds will never grow old
What a curse, oh never mind
Fight back emotion win the prize
They show us our failures,
pray, sinner
pray, sinner sinner of the lord
They tell us our reputation,
oh, stand, little bully
I thought you called me weak
What a curse, good luck next time
Blinding bright light is what we will find
We've never been wrong before
You are so close to God yet you do those things
That is not right and against what He wants.
Now I can't fathom how you did that
that horrible thing while we treat you right.
You've been a friend and a sister
Now I realize what you did there.
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