The first place you call yourself-
a monster
where you admit 
that you- are a liar
Home is
where you learn becoming human 
Tethered inside stitched up skin 
you have enough emotions to- 
spill out 
But home is-
wanting for many things and getting none of them 
Half-feral and doing everything to not bite the hands that feed
You fold and fold and fold
until you are smaller- 
until you are not even really there at all 


- Home is where you go to disappear

the anguish
that never leaves my heart

bites my nails
and pulls my hair out

this anguish
one day might **** me

but maybe
just maybe

it already did it

I've been playing music so loud,
no matter what I do, my thoughts never sink and drown
I haven't lived a quarter of my life
yet every day feels a little shorter

I'm scared.

Time feels as if it's fleeting but, it's dreadfully slow.
How fast does this pace go?
I'm still not good enough,
it hurts

No one is chasing me.
These shaking hands can't hold a spoon;
I'm forcing myself to take a spoonful of knowledge,
to be something...
someone

I've been playing music so loud,
no matter what I do, my thoughts never sink and drown
I haven't lived a quarter of my life
yet every day feels a little shorter

I'm scared.

Time feels as if it's fleeting but, it's dreadfully slow.
How fast does this pace go?
I'm still not good enough,
it hurts

No one is chasing me.
These shaking hands can't hold a spoon;
I'm forcing myself to take a spoonful of knowledge,
to be something...
someone

swallow
no, don't.

you ended up vomiting;
isn't it great?

It's too early to soar high, bound by a plastic cage.
I stood by the lake and left myself to drown.
.
.
.
.
stay there for a while

Strike out
at the largest vein
that traverses the honeycomb
and finally reveal yourself.

I want to climb every step
to the rooftop
of the tallest building
i can find - and shout
"YOU DO NOT DEFINE ME!"

I want to laugh in the face
of the chemicals in my brain
whose job everyday
is to convince me
that i am
unbalanced.

I want to stand tall
and continue living my life
in plain view of the
people who tried
to keep me down.

For every 1 moment that I feel better
There are 15 more where my
hands shake for no reason
or I get so overwhelmed
that I literally force quit
my existence
Forcefully shut off my brain
continue to find peace in the chaos.

I climb the steps to reach the top
to yell from the roof tops
But for every day that passes
2 floors are added to the top

sorry i made you walk
when i promised roses
and i'm sorry i talked
about things that were pointless

you don't make me nervous
you've only made me anxious
that i'll **** up if your eyes
turn silver when you melt

don't fall for me
i'll be your regret

i warned you a thousand times,
spelled it out for you on the fridge
that i am not right, a little too bruised.
but you just smiled and asked
for me to do the same to you.

the blind is broken
on the back door
where I try the handle
maybe one two three four
times before bed
my foot treads
wear a furrow
into carpet pile
patrolling by the mile
a circuit I navigate
from door to window
and back again
checking checking
my doorbell's camera eye
spies on the street outside
intruder alerts on my phone
warn of incoming......
something
all so I can complete
a nights sleep
with one ear open
tossing turning
I have covered all eventualities
except the Bogeyman
in my head
under the bed