Haleigh 1h
I'm leaving / my home
Without a word of goodbye
I'm sorry / if I hurt you
I've gotta find a new way of life

I'm sorry / if I'm dumber
Than my age says I should be
But I'm tired / of losing
To the way things should be

I promise / to remember
All you've given me
If you promise / to surrender
To the fact that I had to leave

Wherever I go, I'll keep you in my heart
If I'm a thousand miles away or down the road
Everyone needs a few brand new starts
Everyone needs some time alone

I'm riding / through the heartland
Waiting for peace to come
I'm hiding / in the mountains
Singing to the morning sun

I'm riding / through the valley
Breathing in mountain air
I'm smiling / I am happy
I feel like I belong somewhere
Haleigh 1h
So it all fell apart again
My search history is full of numbers to overdose on
Maybe now it's the end
After all, I'm the irrational one
The world "revolves around me"
I think this time I'm done
The shattered pieces of my life slice deep
No one cares anymore how I feel
Every night recently I've cried myself to sleep
There is no point in trying to "prove them [everyone] wrong"
My heart has grown heavy and I see nothing to smile about
Regardless they'll still play my Funeral March song
And as they carry me away and into the ground
There will be music and my voice will ring in their minds
I will hear the cries screaming so loud
Mom, dad, brother, sister, boyfriend, mon ami, did I ever make you proud?
-
The beauty of Chopin and Beethoven in their minor keys is that the chords on the piano or the harmonics of the violin soothe my sorrowful soul with singing symphonic melodies that capture my sadness in a sometimes simple tune
-
To those who see this, will you tell them I never left a note?
I couldn't devote the time or bring myself to write to them a final goodbye
I want them to hang on to what ever words I last spoke to them
I want tears shed over my cheap gravestone that my parents didn't want to spend good money on
Especially for someone who was dead
Because they knew I couldn't complain if I never saw it
I want the "annoying" songs I used to play for them on the piano to fill their hearts with pain every time they hear them
I want the nostalgia and longing for me to linger in every lucid dream
I want my straight A report cards to receive a mere "good job" even if posthumously
-
There is pain in the most beautiful things in life
My eyes sparkle the most when I cry the hardest
The vibrant green becomes even more vivid with each swelling crystal drop
-
Tell them I was finally able to do something correctly
That I was finally able to succeed and go through with it
Tell them to wipe their tears with my lavender scented t-shirts
Tell them my love of pink and black was the weirdest thing about me
Although we know that wasn't quite the weirdest
Tell them whenever they see a butterfly or a flower or an animal crossing the street, that I would've shed a tear for its natural beauty
Tell them I tried my hardest to keep up with the rigor of life
Tell them that eventually every car runs out of gas
Tell them that the song, even if on repeat, will always end the same
Tell them to read my favourite books and try to understand why I loved the literature so much
Tell them not everyone is cut out for life and that sometimes people break and can't do it anymore
-
Towards the end my heart only struck dissonant chords
My fingers bled trying to pull the piano wire back into its proper position
I just wanted to be happy but the major chords and the consonance were out of reach
With my stick straight back I tried to fix the broken keys but nothing seemed to stay in place
-
I wonder what will happen now when I close my eyes and enter a deep sleep
Will I meet God or the Devil himself?
Or will it be just that... sleep
-
So many thoughts and so little time for me to complete them
The hourglass pours the sands of time too quickly now
The blurring ceiling sways in patterns, then up and down
I reach my hand to the sky as I lay on the ground
My tears cascade into the watery red pool around me
-
I don't want to bring this to an end
You who read this are my only friend
-
I said I'm tired and I should sleep
But you didn't know I meant I'd forever be done counting sheep
The moment I slip into an unconscious state
Saving me will already be too late
-
Play on repeat Chopin
Tell me how the song makes you feel now versus then
-
And only silence remained
As her tears still rained
And her last fleeting breath was drained
No, I dont want to kill myself
Just so you know, there are some people who are deemed monsters.
And monsters are terrifying.
Cruel.
Dark.
Most of the time, they can’t love.
And we call them monsters just because they can’t love.
Just because we haven’t taught them how to.
i've been through months of my life claiming love doesn't exist
at least between two partners
i believe in familial love i believe in spiritual love
but romantic love?
a myth
an urban legend
all these years i've seen my parents love each over
for  all the years of my life their love has been real
but often times i think it's just me
that i'm not capable of being loved
or loving
so realistically
i just don't even try
i don't care to try
because in the end you die alone
in the end you end up with all that love bursting inside of you
but still alone
i'm so angsty wtf
I need to learn that I’m good enough for the right people,
but no matter how hard I try,
I’ll never be good enough for the wrong people.

And that’s okay.

(e.k.j.)
I’ll be okay without you.
When I die
I want to be able to be there
To laugh at the bullshit act of everyone
Acting like they gave a fuck
Saying that they always loved me
Never once even showing it
I want to see the sad look on their faces
When they see the dead look in mine
Acting like they knew me
There are farms with less shit in them

Who am I kidding
No one will show
And that's how I expect it to be
Coral Red 11h
Do you ever just think about death? Like it can happen anytime anywhere and you don’t have any control over it but yet you do?
Stuck in reverse tonight,
Can't stop my feeling of guilt,
I know you right here beside me TJ,
I'm sorry it's my fault,

I just chilled in the trench,
I sent you out,
Didn't think you wouldn't make it back,

Man what a life I lived,
No one will understand,
Of all the sin I have created,
I keep it all under lock and key,

However tonight i might spill it all
If I do then noting changes,
If i do ill just go back to hell
but if I don't,
Then you might just stay,
Talk about friends for life...
Old memories...
Lights off,
Laying in my cell ,
Mind swirling around you,
How did I get back to this,

Plagued by my past,
Can't move forward,
Cause I can't get out this cell,
If i do i just come back for longer,

The past keeps me cold,
and guarded,
I can't help it,
Just how it be,

Babe I am sorry,
You fell for lowlife,
Babe I am sorry,
you fell in love with a lost soul ...
If I go back , not sure ill make it
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