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I kept trying to run away from
the monster inside my head,
and I tried finding the triggers which
consume me more often.
Torn apart, and I screamed
but silence you heard.
I know no one can help,
I can't even blame myself
for feeling this way,
the more I fight it,
the more my heart bleeds.
To be honest,
I don't understand myself
for the way I think, the way I feel,
somehow I want to be alone
or just be invisible.
See, I couldn't acknowledge myself
the way you thought I am,
because no one else could.
her body was a prison, she could not escape from.
a life sentence of hideousness.
each mark on her body perpetuating her to
spin and whirl
and dizzier and dizzier and dizzier she got.
even though she was sickened by this feeling,
at least she couldn't focus on the all things she hated about herself.
at least nausea distracted her from her hideous face.
If at all I knew
Some think they do
Who they are
Not close, you’re far

You think of you
Of thoughts you knew
Happy and blue
But are they true?

What’s good has been bad
And the bad, of course, good
In your hand you had
Thoughts of who you were

You find your not
Or perhaps you are
Not here, not there
Not very far

For all at once you know yourself
But, wait, put that on the shelf
You’re not who you think
Not even near

You know not
Nor neither I
Which is what and why is why
You know not yourself neither do I
solfang 1d
you don't own me;
yet you gripped my past
gave me nightmares,
and made me loathe living.

you don't own me;
but you claimed to be
my saviour when
you blindly tied me
to your wills.

you don't own me,
for I won't be owned,
by no one but myself.
Been through few events in my life, where I felt like I do not belong to myself
You are the Gift of Love
I gave to myself.
My love for you
defies distance,
conquers barriers,
and transcends lifetimes.
Emily 2d
I walk to the places
We never went with each other
I talk about the things
I never talked about with you
I feast without you by my side
Never once thinking of you
Until now

Ne’er before had mortality
Seemed so bleak and grim
Until I laid upon
Not your visage; pale and fair
But your casket bedecked with petals
Thinking about the light
Cast out to where your future should have been
Instead of eight feet underground

I bluster
As I try to understand
The change of fate
The whims and cruelties
Of people I don’t know
Even you

The one whom I cried for
And still continue to cry for
Because I cannot articulate
How two lovers perish
In such fateful wreckage

I think of from where I had come
And from where I must go
Periphery, you were
Periphery, you remain
Except when tears line my eyes
As I realise that the future
Isn’t as predictable as I thought

I will never hold your baby
In my arms
And you will never hold mine
But that is the domestic writing
Thinking about the future
So cloudy and grey
Even when I hold onto roses so stiffly

Roses that I must,
I am afraid,
Lay at your head and feet
Whilst you sleep within the earth
And will never take breath again
Not to sing or laugh
Like you did when we were children

When we still went to the same places
And still talked about the same things
And ate next to one another
Never thinking
The future would quite be like this
Never thinking we would be caught
In the fray of fate as things turn out
So wrong and so sad

But I continue to think of things
I could have said when you were alive
When I didn’t cherish your presence
Because memories are so easily
Made and forgotten
But please take them all
And I will continue to give
All these unspoken words you
In flower bouquets and poetry

For that is all I have
To remember you by,
My dear ailurophobe
Named grace twice
Fitting as you feel twice buried
So, I bid you farewell
With this to part us
But you will never leave my thoughts
Even as I stray along the path
And am subject to fates we never imagined
In loving memory of my cousin, Hannah, who passed away earlier this year
love given
but never taken
standing alone
like they always say
"if you don't use it you'll lose it"
I used to use it
but it was required
for someone else
so eventually I lost it
someone please
teach me how to
love myself
like I used to
I was lonely I was lonely but I was
I'm in love but I was with you my
heart was not in me it was
flew over you like you yourself

i was lonely lonely lonely and was
I'm alone in the forest clean and beautiful
I thought only you were thinking about you
just about your forgotten smile

i lost you like i lost myself
I lost your watch like my own
and where is I now and who is now
what happens to me now

14.10.18
People expect me to be some sort of superhero. Wherever I go I can just turn around, pull off a mask and be a new person. There's no mask, this is my face. This is me. If the only 15 years of my life didn't make me what I am, then what's the definition of a person? Don't expect me to be like the typical person you see here. I've lived an atypical life, I AM an atypical person. That doesn't mean I can't be good, I can't be right, I can't be loving, I can't be amazing. I'm just not what you think I am. So don't expect me to do the same things, and have the same values and priorities in life. I'm Muslim. I'm Human. Allah is closer to me than I am to myself. I love, and Allah showers His love and the love of mankind upon me and I do not know if deserve it. I have things that are important to me and closest to my heart. Don't expect me to shed them off, just because of an illusional factor called time. This is me. I want to be me. Maybe I can change, but I love who I am. And I don't want my past self to be something distant and alien, to my future self. Don't think that your home will become mine, just because you force it upon me. I am home in Allah. I am home where I feel comfortable just being myself. Not having to change myself for people to understand me. There, I am home. I can't keep translating my personality and cutting off huge bits just for the sake of your understanding, for the rest of my life. Please, I beg of you, love me for who I am. If I don't know myself, then who does? I KNOW myself. At least, more than you do. Please don't say my comfort zone is a far fetched illusion. If it is, then my personality does not exist.

Don't expect me to be you. Love me for who I am.
14.10.2018
Been having a few issues with getting important ppl in my life to understand my motives and my next moves. But their inability to understand me stands in the way.
I’m facing a point in my life that I have to make decisions that will make or break my future. It affects the rest of my life. So it’s essential they understand and together we make the right decisions. I’m facing a stage in my life where what I do will ripple out forever, at least for me. I need to drop the right stone in the right place with just the right force.
I’m just not the kinda person people think I am and I’ve adapted pretty well but it’s just not me and I’m incapable of taking that finally step to be just like them because there’s this huge obstacle in between : my personality.
So facing this obstacle, I just wanna say, don’t expect me to be like that. And don’t hate me cuz I’m not like that. I love me and I want to be myself.
When you say what I call comfortable is ridiculous or far fetched or inconsiderate, just know that I’ve thought this through. I know. And there are sacrifices to be made. Don’t break me by saying I’m not who I am.
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