I lost a sense of myself
in the silk of sadness,
sprawled on my bed
of lilies and night-long moans
in lingerie and stockings.
Come look for me.
This darkening heart of mine
desires one dulcet dream only—
to see you dauntless,
throwing your head back,
desperate and divine;
Come look for me.
And at last when you do,
Ah, my lying love,
like a longing prey for you
I will lament not
the loss of myself,
for I know well
with your lace-like touch
you will lift me
from this silk of sadness
and not only will I become
your little poet, no—
I will be ultimately pleased.
I was always afraid of leaving
thinking that I would lose the parts of me willing to love again,
as if I had forgotten my heart was mine, still beating in my chest
to afraid of what I would become if I was alone or without you
like I thought that my brilliance was only because of you or something
and that it wasn't actually more of a reflection of myself back to me
I had forgotten I am my own
I am enough
to love again is inevitable
because I myself, am irrevocably going to be loved
the microwave dings and my dinner is done
I pull out a plastic bowl filled with what once was
I remember thinking before
anyone who resulted to eating frozen dinners was sad
hoping for something better
these days all I see
is freedom to do what I please
and happiness in being alone
I believe that the darkest parts of me
have voices of their own,
that they call to me,
call me far away from myself
to go deeper into myself
they call for me
to come home;
I believe in the darkness
behind these eyes of light,
that these hands can unlock
the window to the soul;
Many times, I've asked the shadow
to touch my face, reach for my heart,
many times, all I could hear was silence
as the currents of acid daylight
carry me away from the truth;
But every night I am closer somehow,
and though I can't see past my outstretched fingers
as the evening takes refuge in the night,
I feel more than I've ever felt before;
Nightmares never find me
when I lose myself in the darkness
I used to want to be a doctor.
I wanted to save lives and help others,
but now that I am older and have seen how humanity is,
I can't save anyone.
I can barely help myself.
Most mornings, I struggle to get out of my unmade bed
And sometimes the only way to get dressed is to take those pills.
The ones that are supposed to make me "happy" or some shit.
What is "happy"?
Happiness is becoming a doctor and proving to your parents,
You did it. You made something of yourself.
Happiness is showering at 9 am instead of 3 pm just because you couldn't stop crying.
Happiness is being home alone without the fear of that medicine cabinet.
I am still figuring out what happiness without expectation is,
But there are still days when I want to become a doctor.
Save lives and help others.
But for now, I am saving my own life by helping myself.
today, is it sad you feel like yesterday
and that tomorrow will be just like you
I feel this stillness in the roots of my soul and the heart that lies within it, will you deliver me something new?
will you shift plates so you can say you brought something new to the table, something different.
if you do, please don't make the ground I walk on break, don't make me fall on my knees in such a way that my legs become a fabric softer than Cotten.
won't you make sure to let me know before the storm strikes? Just this once, warn me.