At Sixteen

I counted pills

Along side my revision notes

Because the end

Felt better than failure

i wonder a lot about all the things no one sees,
things in corners, in the shade of cold harmless structures.
i try to close my eyes and imagine that the quiet moments aren't for nothing.
that there's meaning in it all,
that there is forever.

when i look at the mirror in your eyes,
all i see are the many sides of the shattered yesterdays,
pieces laid out in some pretend order,
and all i feel is mute, alone with the passing time of ago.

Thoughts like jagged shards,
Little pieces of broken glass.
Splinters stuck inside the brain
Just survive, simply maintain.

Crumble like a house of cards,
Under the weight of a broken past.
Scenes on replay, definition of insane.
Mental stability, a fantasy to obtain.

Sanny 22h

Lost in my mind once again.

The past comes back to haunt me.

To remind me, preventing me from forgetting.

I've felt enough pain.

Where's my peace? Still searching.

I need to breathe, I'm suffocating.

I hear the familiar screams inside.

The burning in my lungs.

Please let me be.

I need a place for my head.

Another way to feel alive.

I shouldn't be...sorry
I couldn't be...sorry
I can't be...sorry
I won't be...sorry
Why should I be...sorry?
How could I be...sorry?
Why can't I be...sorry?

Sorry.
Sorrow.
   Sullied.
       Serried.

I should be proud of the smile I wear, right?
...no?
...I'm sorry...

No one should apologise for smiling.

I used to think that there are no such things as parallel universe.
That we only live in this current situation and that everything is planned ahead of us.

But the you came along, unexpectedly and unbelievably.

You're a believer of parallel universe and that our fate depends on what choices we and the people around us decided to make.
You said that life is a constant choices you need to choose from.

And suddenly, i believed you.

I believed that our unexpected meeting is not our choice, but our past choices are.

I chose someone who didn't choose me, and same goes for you, and their choices leads to our story.

I couldn't thank them less for not choosing both of us.
We may feel a bit sad before, but look at us now, we're both more than what we deserve.

And i want you to know, that if i had to choose again, over my change of fate and you, i will always choose you, and i'm going to make my own fate with you in it.

I write poetry to have proof of the past,
To create action towards the unchangable,
To keep the past alive when it needed
To die.

Rand 2d

You're mine
Therefore I'm fighting for you
If you let go
I won't keep my hand for you to hold
Just as I want you you might want someone else
You were mine
I love you as much as to let you go
And everything else just pales
Next to anything about you
So please let me know
are you like me or do you want her
I'd understand I won't imprison you
You aren't mine anymore
Please just tell me where to go from here and set me free
Make it known that for us there is no future
Set us both free
be mine again or let me be

You are too hard on yourself for your past. You need to look at what you have now and your future.

I may have not had the best child hood but you are doing your best to make up for "lost" time.

I apologize for watching as my father beat you, and not calling the cops. I'm sorry that all I did is run away, hide in the room, and cry. I remember countless times of him hitting you, pushing you around, and calling you every name except for the one he should be calling you by.
I remember him slamming your legs in the door. I remember you hiding bruises and making up excuses for him. You where bound by drugs and "love" that you couldn't wrap your head around to walk away.

I watched countless times as you tried to walk away, but walking away is not that simple. Every time he seemed to find his way back. I remember as we  begged you to leave him time and time again.

I now realize that he degraded you so much that you felt worthless that you felt you had fallen down to his level. That he was the only person you felt that could love and support you the way you were.

After years of him destroying your self esteem I know how hard it was for you. When you finally left him. I was gone to Florida, and when I got back I was told what happen. I remember a elephant being lifted off my shoulders, I could once again breathe. Hoping that this time was for good.

That year we bounced around from place to place more times than I can remember, once living in a camper. I didn't care where we stayed; I knew it was better than what we have been in. You struggled to keep me a place to sleep you cared for me and loved me.

On my 15th birthday you were checked into rehab for the last time. You struggled to stay in there your whole time even with every one there supporting you. I remember coming to visit you and your personal changing. You where happier, you where learning to respect yourself, and trying to love yourself again.

I know that when you got clean you felt as if I was pushing you away but I was not meaning to. I was trying to adjust, I am still adjusting. This was all new for me. I apologize for not being able to adjust quicker, to forgive faster, and love stronger. You are my mother I will always love you. If it wasn't for you I would not be where I'm at today. Thank you, mommy.

I could not be more proud of who you are today. I want you to forgive yourself from your past. I want you to love yourself like you never have before. You are strong and you can do anything you put your mind to. You have went through some of the worst things on this earth, and survived.

The only thing I want to happen for you now is to get baptized at your church.

Sam 3d

In a dream I felt nostalgia
And it brought me to my knees
It wouldn't let me breathe
My cold, dead, teary eyes

When I awoke it hit me hard
Cause the pain did not subside
The vice stuck on my heart
Sinking me deeper in the dark

So my dear Nostalgia
Please just leave me be
I know I'm getting older
And the past I can't relive

So my dear Nostalgia
Please give me back my wings
I am sick of falling
And struggling to sleep

Please just let go of me
Can't you see I'm suffocating?
Have you no compassion?
I'm hollow
Broken by your kiss

Nostalgia I'm running out of words to say
I've been fighting far too long
I'm tired and weary
Decimated by your fury

So my dear Nostalgia
Hear me as I cry
Grant me one last wish
Stay the hell away from me

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