Dale 1d
Falling in the ocean,
Like drowning in emotion,
A chaos just trying to break your dam.

A torrent of feelings,
Begin to just start streaming,
A flood which flows through your life.

Sailing down the river,
Covered in past shivers,
A broken you, you will find,

You'll see it made you stronger,
Even if it still does haunts ya,
The past of which you live through,

For this Ocean that we live in,
Is breathable within,
The torrent's you created till now.
You know that she is gone,
You know it won't work out,
But still, your heart gives you a reason to keep trying,
A signal inside your head that tells you she is the one,
Her smile,
Her laugh,
The way she looks at you,
You're hooked,
But it's all part of her game, with only one handicap,
You can't win,
There is a glitch,
A reason to give up and accept defeat,
But, you have this feeling that you'll pull through,
Your heart is extremely sensitive, it's fuzzy,
Although her heart has its mind on something different,
She wants a present,
A today,
A living in every moment attitude,
You desire a future,
You blow it,
You back off,
But you don't completely remove your being from this game,
You simply play it safe with all intentions of succeeding,
You smile,
She laughs,
The atmosphere is morphing from misty to foggy,
Suddenly, you cannot see her,
She walks away,
You stand there with a dying rose, slowly descending from behind your back, to the cold Earth,
That's it,
You failed the system,
Your fuzziness turns to streaks of lightning,
You win,
No tears,
No regrets,
Just a motive to move on,
You now live as she does,
I'm here,
Right now,
I'm not there in ten minutes,
I live for this moment,
The future was just an obsession,
But that obsession chases snakes, as you fall into your comfort zone,
I say goodbye to my obsessions,
Hello obsessers,
What are you doing, today?
ab 1d
i learned it before the subtlety of time meant me to

i don’t know who it was
who planted the seed
but i was a baby
acting like i was grown

in a world of forced skin
you were the catalyst
the cure for the summer heat
much to the chagrin of the other counselors

if you google “how to spot
grooming behavior” it was
you to a tee but i don’t think
you knew how bad it was

and neither did i, till i
applied your tactics a hundred
times. it made me the devil
the charred tongue of death

and i broke so many people
to dust before i knew what
dust was- i am only now
realizing that i thought love

was the tightening of grip
forced respect from older
boys who thought God was
a scam (you were the scam

who followed me home
weeknights and tagged
along on dates, you
disgusting fuck, you should

have known better) at age
thirteen sometimes respect is
ignored when you get it from
high school boys (sometimes

he pops up again asking me
how i‘ve been and i don’t talk
because how do you tell them that
you had to start again from where

they fucked you over?)
~wow what did you do
The stars find themselves in my eyeline so often, and I reach for them, for other worlds outside of my atmosphere but I feel like Im always being pulled back into the worthlessness of dirt. Sucked into the ground and suffocated by all my precious addictions.

I havent been able to find myself in the stars lately though...My memories are encased in the soft lining of all the different drugs ive done. Nostalgia for an era of pleasure that only hid pain in a closet until it became my boogeyman, kicking doors down and gouging my dreams out through my eyes.

Even blind, I find myself licking the memories like wounds, not hoping theyll heal but swiping at the idea of getting that feeling again. Feeling euphoria, feeling starlight crawling under my skin like paranoid cockroaches.

Somehow therapy made me want it more. My tongue pierces through dirt and worms, licks the faces of child molesters, searches the placid layers for a just a crumb...just one more hit.

In the past, I used drugs to see more. To shout so loud I could crack the thin layer of glass the clouds slide on, to watch them fall into me as the stars came into view again…

But See me now, here on this plateau of remembrance, mourning the feeling of being free from responsibility. So lost in the ether of pure being that the world could only be fog outside of my window. And its here...in the stark burning shimmer of bountiful light, the sun hugging me through the fog, its here where I realized how my addictions held me.

With my eyes clasped in darkness, seeing not stars, but sunshine breaking through holes in a thin reality. One id drenched myself in, one that fit better for me than staring into the eyes of the past.

Ive finally let the sun kiss me...and in the days since my eyes have been opened, I saw stars. They look like the sound of guitar strings plucked just right. The reverberations of light filling my eyeline, singing hope from my toes to my fingertips as I reach out to hold them.
Sparks gleam from an emerald crown
Sitting on the dead woman's head; a frown
Forever fixed on her face,
Resting upon the decaying throne with a calm grace
Appearing ready to be swallowed when the ground
Breaks; "look what I've found!"
Says the girl benevolently.
"Such a nice hat". Gently,
She removes, with innocent hands, power
And places it on the grass around the flower
Chain she has construed with nimble
Fingers, not fully understanding the symbol
of her actions:

She can change the world.
Inflitrate, breed
Destroy, devour
No point in saving
Something that is already dead

Centipedes crawling through the vessels
Maggots swarming the core
Diseased and ruined
Beating with a faint murmur

Blood cells turned black
The white has faded
No light but eternal void

A heart that beats
With an infection
Is a dead man walking
Rotten to the core
In the mementos of days past

Once the cracks extend
Creep and stretch
The core breaks
No more is me
Rotten to the core
I pray each night 
I pray each day
To be a bird and fly away
My pain my sorrow
Will you leave today? 
Will you leave tomorrow?
Please God I pray.
Make me a bird 
To fly away. 
Far, far away. 
Do not pretend that I am Alright
Do not pretend that I am Safe
See my scars, and see my soul, and see why I ran away
So in the dark, I will stay. 
And there you’ll find, all my pain.
The ones I hide, the ones I’ve cried.
Alone, alone in the dark I cry.
So whisper lies, that I may pretend
That I’m Alright
and I’m Okay
Whisper lies, so that I believe
Believe that I am safe.
I am afraid, oh so very afraid.
That in the end you’ll never see,
the pain I’m in.
I hide it so well, 
so well you can’t see. 
The smiles, the laughter’s....
are all make believe.
So close your eyes, because I do too. And say “It will all be over soon.”
Close your eyes, and hold on tight. 
Please, dear Lord, help me fight this evil might.
I’m Afraid, oh so very afraid.
        Know that I am like you.
        The only difference is,
        That my scars don’t bleed
I am afraid, oh so very afraid
That in the end I will not be saved.
For my entire worthless life I had learned that most people would rather hear something beautiful. That it would be easier to accept a lie and be deceived, than to hear the truth...So there, I am happy that I have lied to you, that I have made you happy with my beautiful words. But soon my lies will catch up to me, and they will not be so kind as I have been with you.- 12/2015
Nyx 3d

You look at me through those clear blue eyes
Smile at me with that cheeky smile
Hold me close at each event
Tell me goodnight at the days end

I fell in love, lay my heart out bare
You took it from me without an ounce of care

You make me laugh with all your jokes
Giving me hope by being close
Allowing me to feel like i was number one
Giving me the pleasure of being the only one

Love can be blind, I soon came to know
That your love for me was merely a joke

You flirt with other girls with me standing there
Threatening the people who simply cared
Burning my bridges as I watched and stared
Losing my freedom as you became my air

My entire life, You made it devine
I became your, but you werent ever to be mine

You left me to fend for my own
Ignore me, leaving me all alone
Acting like you dont know who I am
Making me feel like your love was just a scam

By the end of our story,
I lost who I am, I cut off my friends
Forgot where my priorities stand
I allowed a boy to take over my life
As i took his words to heart
Even though they cut through me like a knife
I don't regret what happened
Nor the sacrifices I made
My only regret is that you left completely unscathed

I love,
Loved you

So don't you forget
That i'm the one you broke down
The one that you left
The one who followed you to the bitter end
That I was your last standing friend

After everything thats happened
I've finally had enough
Never have I felt true hate until you did the unforgivable
I was easy so you saw me as biddable
You were right
There was no need to fight
I tried to leave you with all my might
But I couldn't , then you hurt in ways that I can't describe
You would discard my feelings and try to make sly gibes
You thought as though I had no ears to listen
Your words were like as though I had eaten ricin
The new emotion of hate gave me a jolt of frisson
I can never be repaired you made me this way and you know it
You made me so damaged I took it out on myself , so my skin I slit
I would sneak out to meet you and walk through my house in manner quit flit
I can never take back those cold , regrettable , and horrendous nights
But maybe one day I can recover and make a wrong a right
I can't be really anymore personal in this poem about my past
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