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I’m still a child
playing a game
of musical chairs.

I’m just trying to
find a seat with
everyone else.

I’m still going
around and around
and around again,
searching for my
chance to fit in.

but every time
that I think
I’ve finally
found it,

as soon as
I go to sit down,

life pulls the chair
out from under me.
I read somewhere that
when a girl sends you a song,
you should listen to the lyrics.

supposedly, those words are
everything she wants to say to you.

I guess that’s why I never sent you
any of my playlists.
I wanted to tell you
that I was hurting,
and that all of this
was a cry for help.

I knew that
I needed help,

but I didn't tell you
because I wasn't sure
if I wanted it.
everything used to be so fine
amazing, memorable, and lovely
when everything mattered
when i mattered, only me, to you

through those times we were laughing
i was there, fixing problems with you
the universe turned upside down
i found you craving for something
something or someone?

how could that be troubled by the past
why am i not enough
why not me
when i was always around every day
i was always there but i wasn't the one you needed

i wonder when will i really matter to someone :(
the scent of eucalyptus
smells like trauma

and rooms with purple walls
are challenging to breathe in

and occasionally, I meet
someone whose voice
flies straight through
my ears and rushes
to my memories.
I can't hear them.
I can only hear my past.

I know that
to anyone who
doesn't know me,
I am confusing.

you can tie me up
and **** me hard.
I like the pain.

but touch my feet,
and I will attack you.

and I won't warn you.
I won't tell you that once,
an ex broke nine of my toes
so I couldn't run away.
you'll never know.

you can smoke
standing next to me.
it wont bother me.
I smoke too.

but move your hand
a little too fast
while you're holding
a lit cigarette or joint,
and I will attack you.

and I won't warn you.
I won't show you
the cigarette burn scars
that he left on my skin.
you'll never know.

you can take me to a
concert where the bass
shakes the floor.
I'd love that.
the noise doesn't
bother me at all.

but there are some tunes
that practicing musicians
sometimes play on the drums.
play those, and
I will attack you.

and I won't warn you.
I won't tell you that
my ****** was in a band.
he was their drummer;
maybe he still is.
you'll never know.

I panicked once
in my sleep, and the man
who I fell in love with
tried to comfort me.
I didn't recognize him.

by the time I did,
he had blood on his shirt
dripping from his nose.
I had blood on my knuckles.

I didn't want to hurt him.
I don't want to hurt
anyone who I love.
I don't want to attack you, or
have to warn you that I might.'

I'm not violent, I swear.
that isn't me.
I would never hurt you.

but for a moment,
when I hear or taste or
smell or see something
that triggers me,
that isn't me.

it's my body, yes,
but it's not me inside.
I have retreated deep
inside of myself,
and all that's left
is a hollow shell
made of my skin.

for a moment, I become
a person trying to survive a
threat that is no longer there.

for a moment, I won't know
that it's you. I won't see you or
feel you or hear you talking to me.

because for a moment,
you smell like trauma.

for a moment, you make it
challenging to breathe.

for a moment,
my brain won't register
that you are you.

all you are to me
in those moments
is another danger.

I don't want to hurt you.
it's the opposite.

I want to escape so that
you can't hurt me.
☁️

Today's yesterday
Becomes many yesterdays
Flow like lifetimes past

☁️

Leaving me adrift
As my heart now sprouts its wings
Yet cannot take flight

☁️

Cuddled close by dreams
All I want I wish to be
Then the feathers falls

☁️

Tomorrow echoes
As I reach to grasp its call
I fear the days past

☁️

For dry ink can haunt
Feathers plucked by every taunt
Sleepless heart weeps raw

☁️

Am I of the light
Am I worthy of the heights
or worth a twinkle

☁️

My heart on my lap
Mind abed on sea of grass
As I count the days


☁️
Mini haiku story...
It's one hell of a bad habit, being lost in my own head, my thoughts.
The years have gone by, and I find myself wishing more for a reset button.
Yet, I also wish to learn how to forgive oneself.
Theres so much I want to do, so much I want to prove to myself that I am capable of. I pray that the coming year will be one of deeper self reflection with the goals I have in mind...
I so wish to be a talented poetess for writing has been there for me through thick and thin.
The more I fall in love and improve, the more my heart aches...
I gotta keep moving forwards though
I cant die and not try, not yet,
Not yet...

Be back soon with more poems, thank you everyone for all the love and support, really.
Stay safe and well.
Much love,
Lyn ***
Jay M Jun 2019
Trapped
Within the confines of your own mind
Unable to escape
The prison cell it has become

Calling;
"Please, don't leave me!"

Yet
None can hear
These cries for help
And none are registered
For you wear a mask
Of flesh

"Hopeless..."
Comes a whisper
"You are hopeless..."

You can't take back
What is in the past

I'd love to leave it all behind
But I can't let it go
Lie to myself
How could I?

Forever afraid
Of being loved

Put the bottle down
I tell myself
Again and again
For the 100th time
It seems...

I do anything
Just to feel
Alive

I look the same
But I'm not fine
No matter what I told you
I am;
Broken
Bleeding
Lost and defeated

I am merciless
To myself
Merciful
To all else

I am just another casualty

When they least expect it
It will strike
Taking a hit
Shooting me down

This is me;
The monster
Revealed
Right before your eyes

What do you think of me now?

- Jay M
June 9th, 2019
once, you opened a box of Tic Tacs
and I smacked it out of your hands,
and I watched as all of those
little mints fell to the floor.

you looked at me in shock
and asked,
"why did you do that?"

and I went silent.

I didn't know how to tell you
that it was impulse, because
Tic Tacs make the same sound
as benzos do when they're rattling
around inside a pill bottle.

__________

once, we got into an argument
over something stupid,
and we yelled at each other
and we both said things
that we didn't mean.

you got up to leave
but I had stolen your car keys.
you couldn't go anywhere.
I locked myself in my room
and you fell asleep on my couch.

the next day,
I gave them back to you
and again, you asked,
"why did you do that?"

and I went silent.

I didn't know how to tell you
that you could've crashed and
your car could've gone up in flames
and you could've never made it home

and if that happened, the last thing
that I would've ever said
to you would be "I hate you."
and if that happened,
I would never forgive myself.

__________

once, I woke up screaming
and you tried to comfort me
with a hug, and when I felt that,
I hit you as hard as I could.

when your nose
finally stopped bleeding,
and you had gone through
and entire box of tissues,
you looked at me and asked,
"why did you do that?"

and I went silent.

I didn't know how to tell you
that almost every night, I relive
experiences that I wish I never had.

I couldn't tell if I screamed out loud
or if it was only in my head.
I couldn't tell my nightmares
apart from reality, because
my dreams always feel so real.

I couldn't tell that it
was just you hugging me,
because your embrace
reminded me of the man who
held me down once and
hurt me in ways that I'll never forget.
I didn't know how to say that
every night, he reappears in my head.

I spend all day fighting off my past, and
when I let myself relax to go to sleep,
I let my guard down. and he returns
to haunt me all over again.

__________

once, you packed your bags
and you told me that you were leaving.
you were crying and so was I, and it felt
like my entire world was imploding
and on the verge of collapse.

I wiped away a tear
from my cheek and asked,
"why would you do that?"

for a moment, you went silent.

and when you answered, you told me
that you didn't know me,
and I realized that you were right.

every time you had asked me
who I was, I went silent.

when you asked about my trauma,
you were asking me who I was

and this whole time,
I hadn't realized that my trauma
was such a big part of me.

I hate having to accept it,
but I know that it's true.

my trauma made me who I am,
and I don't like that person.
Jay M May 2019
Acting like everything is alright
Just fake it
Take that pain
Bury it deep inside
But what happens
When someone looks?

Heal
Heal
HEAL
HEAL **** IT!!

These scars just won't fade
This, I simply cannot evade
Please
Say nothing
I fell
Don't hold me under
Don't pull me under

Let me live
Let me have this
"Normal" childhood
While I still can

Fading, yes
But gone, no
So
Let me grow
Let me be what there is for me

I did wrong
Yes
But spare me!

Let me live
Don't torture me
Driving me beyond insane

Miss
I am but a child
Please
For the sake of living
Let me

Don't rip me away
From those I love
And all I know
Let me live
Let me grow

For the sake of a child
Let me stay
Let me live...

- Jay M
May 2nd, 2019
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