I don't know what you see in "her"
You ask me to come over at 1 am
I go cause it feels familiar
But every time it ends
I say I'm never coming back again
Now it feels wrong
You say, "it's okay"
But I'm slowly becoming a ticking time bomb
And I really don't want to stay
Too many lies, and I cry
Cause with you I feel numb
I've never felt so dumb
In your arms
While there's alarms
Ringing in my head
Reminding me that I should leave instead
But I wait and wait till I'm kicked out
And theres something I hate about you without a doubt
So why do I keep doing this to myself
While you're out I'm avoiding everyone else
I don't understand anything anymore
I'm always left hurt mentally, emotionally, and physically sore
Maybe I'll know
When I finally have the courage to let you go
i have ever
i wanted you,
but not like this
for a long time,
i know you were
just my dream
to make it real.
this is the end
this is where
i should stop
my story telling
of how you
on how you
make my stars bright
and i have to stop
I have to wake up
to that dream,
look on the window,
look up the sky,
it was impossibility.
I’m over it,
I say to myself,
It’s been years since I’ve last been hit,
By this rush of feelings,
This burning inside,
These different meanings,
It’s been a while,
And it’s the same as before,
I leave confused and you with a smile,
I didn’t recognize your face,
But you saw mine,
In a crowded place,
You hurt me,
Even after I loved you
I set myself free,
I let it go,
But I can’t shake this feeling away from me
Of never being enough,
And that’s just what happens,
At the end of your first love
This fear comes from knowing you won't be with me tomorrow
When the sun shines through my morning pane
I so envy her capacity
To warm your skin with her touch
A warm mug of early coffee
A holy trinity
My dear it's enough to tie my shoes up in knots.
I'll shuffle for miles
Dragging my feet in knotted chains behind your horse
A hostage crossing the desert on foot
Then crawling on cobblestone
Heels over head to your door step
I'm head over heels but you're fine
Born right, if this incongruous line is to be believed
Damn, from everything I've seen, why won't you let me be?
From the way they make it sound, I think i'll just pass up that pension
With this luck I'm not sure why I don't pass tests just guessing
If its multiple choice at least
(and it always is)
You can tell I'm more than fed up with the lack of agency
Developing around our common enemies
Festering, on the bloated ass of this so called society
Becoming a myiasis
And I'll never hear the end of it
From the kids to ugly to earn the extra credit
And from the back half of my grey matter
Turning numb from mindless chatter
Society will silently suffer
Burdened down with crowns churning from an endless gutter
Plastic trash meshing poorly, piling into a funeral pyre
Ever burning and choking out the fat-ass cooperate liars
No wonder gas mask production is up
As I'm getting ready to upchuck my lunch
Sorry for getting stuck, or regressive
But batter up, cunt, get ready for restoration
Claiming good as bad
With every passing fad
Distracting all my would be comrades
Zombify the undergrads
I don't have time for mindless upheaval
It Has Been A Lifetime Of…
It has been a lifetime of, well, meditation:
Meditation/prayer, prayer weaker
(more appeal and supplication
Than an offering without a question).
Not really lifetime, I admit, but,
Years and years of seeking It,
Approaching It, trying to find, bind Arlene
With hope that she’ll become more than a hopeless dope;
Hope and that arcane, otherworldly word
That rhymes with earth and mirth and forth and wraith:
“What can it be?”(said she inscrutably).
Of course, it’s faith!
The hardest of the hard.
(Don’t let them kid you what they say they’ve got it)
Faith both gift and hard, hard practice.
Owning, losing day to day.
It’s been a lifetime – that’s for sure.
But life continues now to now:
Day to day, year to year
And meditation and the prayer
(Each in its place) continue too.
The real me
As of our poetic meet
This very heartbeat.
It’s Been A Lifetime Of…7.13.2017
The Processes: Creative, Thinking, Meditative II; Pure Nakedness;
People have always mistaken
meekness for vulnerability,
twist kindness for weakness
Then, they tend to take
advantage and use you to
satisfy their own ego and happiness
Dig up your past and shove them
in front of your face,
for you to feel sorry and for
them to feel good about themselves
Gives you a warm smile
but savagely stabs you at the back
You'll be amazed how cunningly
sly they can be
Honey, I know
I know how hurtful and
overwhelming it is
Spending time and letting
them know the real and broken you
Sharing stories and laughter,
memories you might never forget
But at the end of the day,
know that it is never your loss
You just have to accept the fact
that people come and go
And there's a reason for each
and one of them
Either, they're a blessing
or a lesson
When I look into the past
I see you and me,
I see you being all I need.
When I look into the past,
I see us becoming much more.
I see us being together.
When I look at you,
I still see what you used to be,
but now you don't know me.
When I look into the past,
I see myself seeing much more
Than what I see right now,
Which is nothing at all.
I don't want you in my head anymore.
It's over, nothing left to say.
I guess a year of sorrow and neglect changed me.
I can't remember a day without anxiety anymore.
I see people laughing and I can't remember what it's like.
To laugh with your whole body and soul.
Meeting you destroyed my life, to the point where I can't even see it as a wisdom.
I know who I am but i don't feel it.
I am disconnected from myself.
Anything to escape the pain.
I don't know how much longer I can take.
I thought writing about you would set me free, but it didn't.
And you weren't worth it, you weren't worth any of it.
I tried to help you find yourself but I lost me.
Can I ever find myself again or is that battle lost too?