I feel alive when I'm sleeping
'Cause I can trust my mind when I don't speak
But the world knows most of my secrets
So I can't even hide when I'm asleep

I think and I fall into a sudden panic
Even my body can't shake off the pain
I'm fighting against my body and my mind
Re-living the abuse again

I hold myself in the middle of the night
Gripping my head, trying to free this from my mind
Everyone knows that I'm dying to feel fine
but the lens in my mind only tells me twisted lies

I see the world through a filter
Light shadowed from the tears I've cried
I feel alive when I'm sleeping
'Cause this nightmare kills me on the inside

There is a wire tap inside his mind
which pulls the waves in and over
the shore, fast. It floods
the earth and leaves his skin
pale and waterlogged, blue from the cold
and bloated with decay.
When the wall of water hits and the screams
of many tired, sad people can be heard,
the sinking city of Venice will crumble
away into the sea, leaving jagged,
splintered rock jutting from the ocean
like strange stone blades. In the silence
of receding water, I hear the cries
of a newly orphaned child and see
a small silhouette standing over the body
of his father, satellites still speaking
to the microphones in his dead brain.
The tide laps at his splayed limbs
and the water pulls him back
towards the ocean while the boy screams,
wailing as he clutches the cold, limp hands
and begs his father with tears and fury
to come back to him.

Is it just an image? Just a dream? 
Trespassing my heavy eyelids in the dead of night.
Need my poor sight dazzling light? 
Need my pupils a gentle breath, 
To blow away some possible dust
A layer of lie beneath or upon the truth 
They claim to observe with full might? 
Have I let slip so sudden this world 
Runs anti-clockwise in the region of my head? 
Have I foretold a smile full of tears 
Or a summer sky turning velvet red? 
Which child of earth has seen
The horror I battle day after day? 
Which reckless  knight or gallant templar  
Has reached the law of come what may? 
this war goes on through bugle calls and snare drums. 
On a battlefield, where I die and unbecome..

i pray.

i pray that i will recover from this illness.
i pray that i will feel the joy, peace, and love
that i’ve been longing for.

i pray.

i pray that i will have the strength to better myself.
i pray that i will never lose hope in times of despair.

i pray.

i pray that i will heal every single day of the rest of my life.
i pray that i will experience less pain and more pleasure every
single day of the rest of my life.

i pray.

i pray that i will think more rationally.
i pray that i will feel that the things around me are real and not
an illusion or a dream.

i pray.

i pray that i will soon get well.
i pray for the belief that i will soon get well.

amen.
amen.
amen.

I will always be too much to love
I’ll always love too much
I find my love is not enough
I find myself empty
Seeking validation in other souls
Outside my own,
Messy and alone,
I’ll always be too much to love

tar sends tingle down my spine,
but the regrets race back up-
choking me.
dread spreads in my stomach,
twisting and churning,
expanding until all that's left are
the remains of my past.
the smoke sets in,
engulfing what's left of my
torn up body,
the fire blazing away the bygones.

evidently, it never happened.
i never saw him rip the dignity out of her heart.
she never dissected his tear stained soul-
i didn't swallow myself whole after
realizing i had nowhere to go.

i am an apparition not to be messed with,
an unconquerable phantom ready to
haunt your deepest dreams
and i will rise regardless of
who's standing in my way.

i am a force to be reckoned with,
and you will never see the end of me.

Drip drip...

Thoughts fall from my mind
And splash in a stagnant bucket...

How long have I been here?
How many times have I looked at your picture?

Drip drip...

I want to Live
But,
I want to Die

I want to Smile
But,
I want to Cry

Drip drip...

Here I lay,
On a throne of Sloth
Forever wishing...

Wishing for the reassurance,
Praying for the motivation,
Waiting for the enlightenment.

Drip drip...

How long have I been here?