Do you remember me?
The hours past
I don't know why I can't sleep
What is wrong with me,
Who is he?
Do you remember the holiday?
When we could sleep
When the hours were blissful
Where life was a paradise
Maybe its because I insisted my way
Why do I smile?
When the hours do not pass?
When nothing will last
I can say I am afraid
Just let me sleep for awhile
I am confused about you
I don't even care
Or maybe I do
why can I breath?
Are we really through?
So many hours gone all alone
I don't remember who you are
What is wrong with me?
I can't even try
You ignore your phone
i say the only thing i want is to be happy
i pray for it
and am disappointed that i still don’t have it
is no one listening
is no one rooting for me
but maybe it’s a bigger ask than i thought
maybe i should do more than ask
give the sun a chance
don’t only rely on the moon to give you comfort
go to sleep
it takes time
whats wrong with living under a rock
often i don’t feel sunshine anyway
day dreaming brings me closer to a path
solitude is a blessing
i wanna throw my phone away
i wanna walk uninterrupted
i want rain to be the loudest sound i hear
you’re next to be me but you’re not
i need to be alone in case i cry
i’m not ignoring you
let me meet with myself today
i'll talk to you tomorrow
the rain is comfortable for hiding
it’s the loudest noise in the house
so they can’t hear my crying
thank you for being a shield
i want to be alone but i want to be wanted
i don’t want be hurt by others
so i don’t notice that I’m hurting myself
do they really not care about me
or do i crave too much
i wallow in loneliness so i don’t feel unwanted up close
but now i don’t want me
the worst part is that tightness in my throat
all the voices i ever was, shredded and stored in my voice box
the worst part is that there's no place to scream
no place, that allows that impropriety, without being deemed insane
when it's the sanest thing to do.
the worst part is that there are no words
that fit the messy ins and outs, smooth passages and hard ridges,
the worst part is that the tears come less staged,
they aren't for the reflection of some adolescent sorrow, a figment of what pain could be
the worst part is that it's real
not a commercial for voicelessness but finally the real thing
the worst part is, I can't speak anymore,
the worst part is, those shredded voices are all the worst parts of all the strangers I've come to be.
Dad,
I am no longer your little girl
you can no longer protect me
not from the monsters within.
In a black hole you see me falling
In dark corners curling,
In the bottom of oceans sailing;
storms stonewalling.
Dad, you might think I am thralled -
But I tell you!
In my bed
I am appalling, trawling
reaching
for something to grasp
trying to calm myself down
Shoving the memories back.
Fighting the demons.
I see them
sprawling across
me
my dreams
my lungs
my THOUGHTS..
my thoughts
my thoughts...
DAD!!
I am betrayed
by my own mind...
my body
is REBELLING against me...
Despite the mountains
I trained
to carry
above my shoulders...
Some days -
Some days it feels
I am skinned alive...
One breeze of air
is enough to run sirens
alerting a world of
A BILLION neurons
Leaving me
stranded
agonised
looking for shelter,
wishing I can
crawl back
to my mother's womb
sit, curl, and hold my legs -
grasp the umbilical cord
hear her heartbeat
1... 2...
Breath... In... Out...
Dear Dad,
don't you worry.
You raised a strong girl.
patiently she learnt -
how to beautifully braid
her fears and tears.
Your little girl
learnt how to play-
with the monsters nested in the head....
and the monsters under the bed.... into poetic ink
and art on the wall
she transformed them all.
She is a survivor, who copes
That said...
Every now and then
in my own bubble
you'll see me
slipping
in my favourite corner
sitting
unconsciously
graves for my unborn children
digging
not seeing a point for
living.
Deep inside
I will be silently screaming
I am brave
I am brave
But I am
slightly cursed
scarred
wishing I was still
your little girl
i thought i caught you
and instead you caught me
but you're loosening your grip
and i'm slipping down
but i can't grab onto you
because you're purposely letting me go
and i can't tell you to bring me back
because you're not ready for me
and you'll never catch me again