They swirl around, like the blood inside my body, my inner self screaming louder every time, 5:46 it reads on my phone no one to call, cause they don't care anymore.

If only I could stop it even for just a few moments I could just breathe, close my eyes with no tears when they open, why me? Why is it me?

This used to be therapy for me, I could spill out everything going on inside onto a page, but now nothing seems to be working anymore, I've a constant headache from thoughts that hurt I don't know if it will get better or maybe worse.

A shaky hand and oversensitive ears,
teary eyes and a frown in place.
A sniffle of the nose,
and eyes that roam around the room.
Swipes of the hand,
removing a tear.
These are the physical signs of
sadness.

A cloudy mind and a torn soul,
wasted time and a head full of doubt.
Anger boiling inside,
and confusion lingering in the room.
The dismissal of hope,
shattering all logic.
These are the intangible signs of
madness.

originally written 7/9/16

If you were here right now
i would probably jump into
your skin and swim in your
veins forever.
despite all the bruises
the lying
the name calling.
i begged for god
to give me strength to leave
and now that you left me
i beg god for the strength to move
on and breathe.
you took everything from me.
how does someone come back
from this?
how do i learn to breathe again?
i'm so used to feeling fear
because of you.
now i'm finally free.

I can not shake the almost-memory
of your warring skin, or the depth
of that moment in meaning,
never the slow silence bleeding
out of you in waves, your pulse,
your years falling out like baby
teeth, and the inside of you in grey,
clipped and dim lit dreams dashed
into shards.

Your all-too-silent night.
I think of you and I think of you,
in different lights, bathed in other colors,
all your faces, your expressions melting
into one another. I've found every you.
I've kept them here, together, like a roll
of film, and sometimes, when I'm sad,
I pull them out and look for my face too.

The moon says, It will save you
so much pain if you let me take your
wisdom teeth now.
Lovely moon,
silky-voice moon, moon like chalk,
so soft and crumbly on your hands,
hands that rake through my hair like
a yard of fallen leaves.

Remember, darling?
I do. A night like the sweetest peaches,
and in the morning, only left with the
pits, counting the mistakes, measuring
the loss like scientists study black holes.
I won big. I scratched your name out of
a lottery ticket and told everyone but you
how lucky I was.

Heart of hearts, dark of darks, heart of darks,
how it all flows, the music changing the words,
making them understand each other, connecting
them like we connect them in language. The
music has its own language. We call it poetry.
We call it song. Sometimes I recognize it when
she speaks. Sometimes words leave us, but
the music is still there.

here

Your mind felt compressed
Your heart was depressed
Everyone had left you
All you wanted was to be brand new
Called to be a saint not a sinner
But you were never a winner
He beat you real bad
So that you couldn't be sad
All you did was medicate
Until you had nothing left to dedicate
You could take only one last look at the most
So you decided to overdose
And it had been finished
But the pain still has not diminished
Because your life was done
At the age of twenty-one

Dedicated to Taryn Hills (1995-2016)

she asks me why i keep looking behind
closed doors
and i don't want to say but
i keep looking for something unbruised
or a distant feeling that's been renewed
or i don't know

a past memory. maybe an old life.

she asks me why i keep looking behind
closed doors
and i struggle to say that i miss the past.
that everything i lost was really all i had and
i miss it. i miss them.
i miss every time someone made me genuinely smile

i miss the times where people bothered to try.

she asks me why i keep looking behind
closed doors
when i know there's nothing of substance
and i don't want to say that
i find out a new disappointing fact every time
i peak behind that door,
an outstanding opportunity to break my heart,
an old smile that feels like happiness when i tend
to revisit,
and a part of me believes my care could revive it.

that's why i keep checking behind closed doors.

that's why ill beat the door down, until i can see right through it.

xxSarahxx 11h

Let them be, walk around, be noisy
I lie here on the couch
People talk about school & life
My eyes are heavy, my body is aching
I try to relax in the stressful mind

You lie next to me
An arm around my weak body
My safe place, covered up safely
Everyone is going on, so is time
We stand still & I feel loved for a momentum
In your arms

You motivate me, let me see things from a different perspective, when I am too down to see anything but darkness.

Fibro and You

Self-hate rises like bile from the pit of my stomach and claws away at my throat -
the kind of pure loathing for which there is no antidote.
Revulsion of my reflection has claimed possession and poisoned me well;
and lead to a destructive path that is the equivalent of Hell.

Matt Earl 14h

Falling down the Rabbit hole, where monsters become real
Red pill, Blue pill, any pill to make me feel real

Deeper, darker I fall into depressions pit
No respite, just pools of blood from the wrists I’ve slit

Desperation, no elation as I pray for some release
Situation critical as I struggle to find peace

With death comes freedom and no more pain
My passing proves the monster has been slain

Matt Earl 15h

Reflect my imperfection
Cracks in my soul revealed
Devoid of all direction
The past is never healed

Living in a vacuum
Crying without tears
My fracture mind becomes a tomb
Imprisoned for all my years

Escape my tortured reality
Absolve the sins of you
Yearning for a time I’m free
I know what I need to do

Slowly fall asleep
All my pain is gone
Memories are yours to keep
I’ve no strength left to run

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