4 days and 3 nights.
More than half of it I spent with eyes wide open.
Hoping I would see you in the dead of night or in the light of day.
Hoping we could talk in private with no bullshit excuse my mind could think of.
But nothing was made, nothing came about.
Save for the night where the underlying truth was brought out.
At that moment, I got all the chance I have to tell you everything.
To tell you what has been going on and why I left in the first place.
But my thoughts hindered my tongue to speak.
Not because I'm scared but because of how strong these facts are, it can destroy you as it has destroyed me.
I know it's been almost 5 years since we first met.
Since I fell deeply in love with you.
Since I had the heartbreak that defined it all.
From then on, I told myself that I would let you go.
Set you free as they say for me to find peace.
That happened, but peace was never found.
Wherever I go, you still find a way to come back to me.
I don't know why but I tried countless times to forget you but still you choose to come back every single time I say I've moved on.
Even when I had my first real girlfriend, we still had fights involving you
From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for what has happened.
I'd write songs or poems of how I hate you.
Of how you were the poison I'd choose to drink.
Of how you destroyed me.
I made it as an excuse for me to think of you in the context of being a musician.
But that did not help me to forget you.
That's why whenever you see me, you'd see me with a cigarette in my hand.
This is because it's the only way for me to be on a state in which none of this had happened.
I somehow tend to forget everything about you when I drag the smoke down my lungs.
It's my only escape from you.
And once the flames are out, you'd come back again.
And that's when I'm gonna light one up again.
Until I ran out of sticks to light on.
I don't care if this would make me sick in the long run.
At least it kept you at bay.
Don't get me wrong.
I wrote this not because I despise you.
I just want to tell you the truth in which I buried for so many years.
I still love you. I know it sounds obsessive.
It's creepy and ugly as shit.
But I hope at one point in your life you choose to love me. Even like me so to say the least.
I know that's not possible though.
How lucky am I right?
But at least you know the truth.
I'd be the man that would make you feel safe when you feel troubled.
Will protect you from whatever's bothering you.
Would surprise you with stuff you like and greet you at 12 midnight when it's your birthday.
I'd be that man that will love you with all his heart. Will stay faithful to you.
I'd be than man who would give a fuck about you.
But how can I do these things if they have been given and done to you by now right?
There's so much things that need to be said.
This is me coming to you as a man who would wait.
If given the chance.
If not, I will just choose to be happy for you.
I am not forcing you to break with your current one or anything.
I need him there to take good care of you.
To be in the right place where I should have been now.
Lying next to you.
Kissing your forehead as he sings you to sleep.
Just remember, when you need any help.
I'll do my best to lend you a hand.
If you need someone to talk to, I'm more than willing to sell my precious time.
And if you'd call my name, just know that I'll come running.
I sit under the tree
A haven for solace
It’s yet to fail me
I ponder the path
Life’s trek brought me along
Events long ago
Reminiscences still strong
A child is
As childhood conveys
Exhilaration for some
Or just dreary days
Looking up in the night
And gaze upon stars
Or just the whole black
Painted over by scars
Black and white
on crooked surfaces
that disappear into
every time I see your face.
Piece by piece
and filling the white
pairing with the black
and letting it soothe all else.
There is the green in the back,
egging the red on
to put up more of a fight.
The colours have lost their meaning.
The black morphs into green
as the white merges with red
and the world fades away.
he tasted like
res and sweet coffee.
i cherished the sticky tar
and noticeable sugar.
later i came back into the room
and he was just wearing jeans,
smoking a menthol.
he watched me get dressed
and commented on the clothes
he hadn’t paid attention to
when he helped me take them off.
i sat beside him and felt
that familiar itch in my wrist
and came to the nagging thought that
everything is just a distraction
from a life not worth living.
i gave him a piece of glass
i could have killed myself with.
he was happy to take it away,
didn’t get mad that the thought
of slitting my wrists in a fatal fashion
crossed my mind a time or two together.
i watched him drive off
and missed him as soon as
he left our embrace on the porch.
i’m more sure than i’ve ever been
that he won’t leave me.
that means that i
cannot down bleach
when i feel hopeless.
rain and wind swirl outside in the dark gray above
no one wants to be out in the mess now
we all just stand and stare on our porches
wondering when it might turn
deep rumbles and sharp flashes light up the sky
the roof leaks and the power goes out
poverty seeps into our hearts as the darkness grows
the wood swells and the bugs drown
here we are again, waiting for the storm to end
Perhaps the problem is we live as though we have an eternity to fall in love, to have everything we want,
to be able to fix all the problems we ignore and to apologize to those we hurt. We live as though we are more than stellar fragments afloat in the immensity of space and time.
The problem is that we continue living this way until the last insignificant second when we finally hear the chimes of the cosmic harmonies calling us back home and then, we will be nothing but a wisp of nebulosity from gas and dust from whence we came,
scattered through space unfettered by ordinary human limitations.
How will you spend your brief moments here on earth?
How much will you love?
How much will you give?
How will you be remembered?
Peel away my skin
Until you show just bone
Reveal what lays within
The essence of alone
Scars they never disappear
Bruises though they heal
Always I'm consumed by fear
My nightmares are so real
Drift into the unknown
As my final sleep begins
I've played the cards, the dice are thrown
Forgive me all my sins