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I don't have a "him" or "her" to gawk and talk about
Nor do I have a vice or a vanity to pour.

I don't believe victims are mythical, and so, I do have one thing I can sing.


Loneliness is involuntary.
You can tell me that all it takes is "going out" and meeting people...
But say that same thing to Frankenstein.

Did you forget that all you need to lose that chance is to be devalued?
And must I remind you that ghosts aren't frequently seen?

A moth to a dragon has no existence, like the shadow to a flame upon a candlestick.
But that's not my point.


Solitary living is voluntary. Choosing to push people away, gathering only yourself and living your day...


But what about those who want people, yearn for romance, cry out at this shallow cold world for why they seek those who lie, cheat, ****, and steal from them, but dismiss those who are more likely to remain honest, aid, save, and protect?

Loneliness is involuntary.
No one would beg to feel nonexistent unless you got to receive what we yearn for.

Solitary is voluntary.
To choose yourself, because you don't trust anyone else, even if you too can be your worst enemy.

Whether one will read this or not.
This came from my heart.
And it's a real discussion that people avoid.
Mental health is real and so is the stigma.
A shallow heart is easy to scare.
A deeply broken heart can shatter a world.
Why isolate someone because they may not physically appeal to you?

Whether it's because they're "strange" or "unattractive".
Isolation can break a soul...don't be the one to turn a blind eye.

Do you?
Obviously, you probably won't see this if you don't read it, but I suppose I should explain why this may be personal.

I struggle with loneliness. I'm often in a state in which I lack support or single in my life. I've been this way up until this year, and I have a theory that it's much bigger than I really know. I've lost many potential friends, even before a complete school year could finish, and this is consistent with every year, hence why even though this year may be a little different, I don't feel much better. I've lost family members, my entire family, and all to nothing but distance and a lack of support. If I've done something to cause it, I've never been told so.

Actually, it's quite the opposite. I've been told many good things and complimented on my care and genuine consideration of those I invest in; that i'm personable, loving, kind, attractive, funny, weird, "but in a good way", and a lifetime type of friend.

What boggles my mind is how I receive the opposite treatment. These things have been said by multiple people and more than once. My loneliness, at one point, was so bad that I became desperate to keep people around, which obviously did NOT work in my favor. This year has been a good year so far, more than less...but to speak the truth...I've lived a life as a ghost without really being given the choice.

And this sudden change in my life, this year...scares me.
Annika J May 7
That feeling
That I can't describe

When I know someone is genuine

It's physical
And emotional
It's happy
But calmly
Without any flourishes
Or bubbles
I feel it in my chest
A feeling of connection
It's...warm?
Not quite the right word
It's lukewarm
But bright
And roundish
Kinda like a sphere
Sitting next to my heart
Centered in my chest
There's love
But little magic
It's pure
Unfiltered
Connection
When I think of someone's face
I see open eyes
Open to watch another
But not wide with shock
I see a small smile
I hear a voice
Clear as a bell
And indeed
I think of pure
Golden bells
Not twinkling
Not ringing
Just a single
Unbroken note
I think of gold
Or is it orange?
Yellow?
Orange with a yellow halo?
It's energy
But not radiant
Not growing
Not destroying
Not dark
The feeling I get
When reading a classmate's essay
Or reading a good fanfiction

All this
Does not capture the feeling
But at least I tried my best
xtine Apr 14
maybe you once asked me:
"how are you?"
but
did you really mean it?
was it ever a genuine curiosity
or
was it just a meaningless question to avoid the oddity
of inane awkward silences?
maybe
it was just an appropriate thing for you to say at the moment
and it led me on to think
that you'll be there for me when i need it.
but at the end,
you were never
there.

SO

the next time you ask me:
"how are you?"
and i say:
"i'm okay"
and if you genuinely cared at all,
would you have noticed the silent screams in my eyes
that hold back the tears saying
i need you?
This is dedicated to a friend who once told me that she questions if her friends are genuine enough to be there for her when she needs them. Because honestly, I can relate.
im glad ive finally found someone
whom i wont need to fake a smile around
pure genuine happiness radiates between us
Kyle Tha Poet Feb 27
Diving deep into hidden thoughts
The hourglass empties, sand molecules glisten
I always would hear to speak less and to listen.
I think that has brought me here.
A pendulum swings as time takes my hand,
Empty expression in an endless white sand,
My past is dank, dark, and hard to avoid,
But my skin is thick, I live with no fear.

Yeah--
Last night, I had a talk with my inner man, the one I hold in and I, honestly,
Can finally understand,
I keep him housed up and buried with no real estate, an intended
Omission to keep him from obliterating my conscious mind.

He exists purely to win, but I can't let him be,
I can not let him orchestrate me,
It's all my free will, I observe the truth, I remember my youth,
And those distracting choruses play,
On a never-ending loop, misguiding my way,
Yet angels guide me every day

Change has come and taken hold, with conscious effort confide
My new wisdom can guide me right, when everybody
Must decide between giving a **** about me and letting their lives go by on
Stand-by
Mistakes may dot my travelled path,
But without those lessons, I could not have
This connect four of mind and clarity of thought

To my Ego I raged, spit truth like fire,
"No, doppelganger, everything
Will not be just fine, I'm taking control and I think it's time,
You're better off dead!
To face all my nightmares, my fears and
My spine, it's time to straighten that out, too!"

I know I upset him, I could feel the poison in my stomach,
The sensation just intensified
I had enraged the part of me keeping me sane,
I would surely find myself falling apart at the core,
with no way to get back to who I was before

But, therein lies the paradox, your ego is frail,
Because it's so childishly terrified of being lost, forgotten, and left behind,
Once gone and released, the true you can set sail.

That's when most people give up, just a pinch of that relentless self-doubt,
And when it's coming from within you,
You just carve your way out, like a wounded animal.
I didn't think for a second I would let you take the lead,
I won't let you control me, decide what I need,
So I will keep fighting and cutting you deep,
Until you no longer bleed.
I appreciate any feedback, negative or positive.
she acts as if music is her entire world
her only survival mechanism
her only escape from the hateful world around her

and when she plays her music, she plays with the force of her entire heart
truthfully and genuinely

so much care is put into every note
so much precision and thought and meticulous attention to detail

she embodies the attributes of her music
she is beautiful, powerful, fierce, loving, passionate

when she plays her music, she blocks everything around her
focusing solely on forming a dramatic symphony of wonder and delight
not giving attention to her anxious wandering mind

she closes her eyes to take everything around her in
the beautiful feeling of her fingers sliding along the keys
the wood smell of her reed atop her instrument
the exquisite attachment she feels towards her silver plated beauty
the passion she feels in the deepest part of her heart when she lets her emotions flow through her horn

she plays her music seemingly effortlessly
although so much effort is put into her meticulous practice

she believes her purpose is to form chords and tones of delight,
because its all she has ever loved doing
music is her one true and deep passion
her one true love

she wears her emotions on her sleeve and everyone thinks they understand her
but she is far too complex to see straight through
nobody knows the pain she has been through
nobody knows the despair that has passed her
nobody knows the hell she has suffered

she finds that it is not very hard for others to tear her apart,
but music mends the holes inflicted on her soul
when she feels like she is drowning, music saves her
when she feels like she is falling, music picks her up

she uses her emotions to strengthen her music
to show her deepest hidden wounds and to free herself from the sorrow that has been inflicted upon her

her entire story is too complex to fully comprehend,
but music allows her to let her feelings out in a comprehensive way

music heals her heart and soul
it saves her from any pain that may arise
music is her everything
her life, her passion, her utmost talent, her world
her personal purpose at this time
her coping mechanism to fight the cruel world surrounding her
han Jan 12
I’m naked
& completely bare
for you to see
all of my insecurities
ripping at my skin
dripping from my finger tips
pouring out of my eyes
a begging silence
desperate:
asking you to leave
but hoping you’ll stay
1/12/19
Toni Jan 10
There’s nothing quite like

Strong arms that shield you

And pull you in tight

To make it feel true.
It’s been a long time, but these feelings are so familiar.
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