the reason i watch for the small things is because,
you may not know it, but when I walk home from work in the middle of the road, I’m seeing things as if i may never see them again because I don’t know where my mind is taking me.
I spit my prayers through grit teeth, it’s forced from my guardian's mouth when she looks through my feed and texts and tweets at night to fuel her (sometimes) self righteous ego and maintain control over my life.
when she read through my sketchbook that one morning, all i can now see are her invisible fingerprints on the page. I can’t see my words the same because there was a crime.. trespassing into my mind, even though i can’t let myself in. but I’ve changed my passcode and you’re too sloppy to realize that I know what you’re doing.
i’ve changed my locks and committed mental suicide with that key that I swallowed
Its frustrating to me
That a man can hold so much power
And make me feel so small
And yet... loved.
The delicate play
Held me in an intricate web
I don't miss
Waiting in his web of lies
Wondering if I was good enough,
For his delicate and dominating sensibilities.
If I didn't fit his fancy
He'd find another
To prey upon.
Keeping me at the center
Of his web
I was his admired,
I was adored
And should be elated.
I saw the freedom
Of this resilient spider-
All of his eyes looking thirsty.
Here I am-
the main delight,
Waiting in his nest.
Funny how he went out searching for more
When I've been here,
Waiting for him to feast.
I still hate you but I want you to taste me.
Though I wouldn't dare ask, because
if I'm being honest I want to do nothing for you
in return. I want to punish you, deprive you.
To take from you--like a sacrifice to a goddess--
what I deserve. And to give you nothing
but the satisfaction of knowing that even after everything
you can still reach between my legs
and hold me like your doll.
and all I can think about
are my biggest fears
not the silly ones
like spiders or breaking a bone
(but the big ones)
like what accelerates my heartbeat
and makes time stand still when
I think about it
the ones that leave me
panicked and overwhelmed
but instead of letting the fear control me
I am trying to teach myself to let it
push me to somehow influence my
every move for the better
if I don’t want these fears to be
a reality, then I need to choose
which path to take
(which way to let my mind wander)
to influence my life in a positive way
there are only so many things in my life
that I can control
my thoughts being one of them
fear is in my mind
that’s where all the biggest fears
come from and I’m learning to
fight those one moment
at a time
I've worked in wood and metal
worked glass, gems, and clay
Crafted artful things and works of art
baubles, antiquities, and treasures to display
Written words of love, hate, and virtue
and stories from technical, to fantasy
Played in flesh that's live, and virtual
every note and verse, of every memory
Without them, I would never have achieved
the inglorious fame, and notoriety
Only my hands, upon my controls
where-ever, that may be
Fire burns through things destroying anything in the way and everything it touches fire is untamed its wild it's free
Fire has more freedom then we do
Fire can fan itself out we can't
Fire is untamed there is no rules
We have rules
Fire has utter freedom
We have controlled freedom
Fire destroys everything
We are regulated by a government
Fire can be for the good or for the bad
We even turn aganist ourselves
Fire may have freedom
But we cannot be controlled
I've never been one to take a punch without either dulling my senses or punching back
But this punch back feels wrong
Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing
I'm drifting through life
The corridors of my heart have been empty for years and I don't know how to fill them anymore
From my father to my first love to you I've been abused
I've been bruised, talked down to, manipulated, and confused
And you did nothing but confuse and dull my senses as if there was something I was supposed to see and you blocked it from my view
I've never hated you, I can't find the time to
But between when you left me barely functioning and now I've learned to love you without being next to you
And hearing you hurt and holding back the pain in your voice broke me and I didn't know how to respond.
So when you told me not to speak to you
Not to tell you that I loved you
Not to tell you that I missed you
I decided that because I do love you I was going to respect your wishes.
I check your Facebook now and again
I make sure you're still posting on your instagram to make sure you're still breathing
If I could ask you how you were doing I would
But you don't want to hear from me, it hurts to much
And I keep fighting the urge because baby
You learned how to control me
And now I cannot free myself.