H Phone 2d
Rationality over heart
My brain is always on guard
Big Brother is real
And he controls how I feel
A platoon on patrol
One parole
Control my soul
Fill a hole
How did that hole even get there?

Any runaway feeling is immediately detained
Used to entertain
An audience
What audience?
It’s just me
As I’m forced to see
How my sadness is instructed to do a dance
Like a circus animal
My anger gets beaten with a baton
No one bats an eye
There is no one
It’s almost comical
I’m the one hosting this show, aren’t I!?
Did I forget to send the invites?
Why else go through the motions of setting this up?

Sometimes, I feel like happiness is the only one I can trust
Every once in a while I look over my shoulder
Force of habit
And it’s like nervousness overtakes it
“Don’t worry about me,
Just, uhm, get excited!
About this new game
Or the name
Of the new person you just met!”
Encouraged, I jump in, face first
Getting ahead
Of myself
Only to be stopped dead
In my tred
Who am I faking this for?
Do I want to be seen as random or positive or…
A special snowflake perhaps
Why am I obsessed with the concept of faking a smile?
I’ll just take a walk for a while…

Sometimes I wonder how that looks
A hooded figure through the woods
Head cast to the ground
Accompanied by the sound
Of a deep sigh
Bouncing of against the night-
ly sky
And another one
And another one
Do I look edgy yet?
I bet
People are wondering “what’s up with that kid?”
Just the way I like it

And then, in the most meta of ways
I become aware of this play
This ploy
A decoy
For my lack of personality?
Just who exactly is to blame?

He sits atop a throne
All alone
Keeping everything in suspension
And he commands just one thing:
The title only makes sense when you read the last word of the poem...
Kathleen M Mar 10
There is a light, it's flickering a pale white blue.
The carpet is rough on my face, silence permeates the house. I should get up.
I should pull myself into personhood. My hands tremor, I let my finger tips find the end of the carpet. Skimming the floor boards shaking fingers beginning to tap tap tap out the only sound.
I used to drink the restlessness away, now I am left a craving in its place. Tap tap tap say the fingers.

Violent imagery flashes across my mind, car crashes,  rending metal, glass breaking, bones snapping there are sharp falls and hit and runs and stabbing on the sidewalk,  knife sliding into my flesh. Leaping into oncoming traffic, my heart skipping beats and laughter always my laughter. The final moment of freedom replayed over an over.  I can't tell you why it makes me smile, I don't know why myself.
Tap tap tap tap tap irrattic finger tips might be getting angry. Have your limbs been angry at you before?

Rolling over the popcorn ceiling swirls,
I realized a while back if I pay attention to the patterns they shift, I hallucinate mildly on most days. I think I might miss it if I were being honest. I focus on my skin, the way the air touches it, the way cold feels, if I savour this enough I almost feel high, high is almost always on the other side of sensation.
I might always be a touch high compared to how the average Joe feels. This is not a desirable state, but if you talk to me tomorrow I might say it's a gift.

I slowly stand, my knees cracking fingertips tap tap tapping up the wall. Giving up drinking was like giving up one of my last connections to my dearly  departed. Gin and alcoholism kept a part of him close to me. Medication and therapy take me further and further away from the person who knew him.

I walk barefoot, the texture of the floor boards underfoot, stepping into the kitchen I pull a wine glass from the cupboard. I want to hear it sing, I flick the glass, I hold the opening of the glass near my ear. I can feel the sound touching my ear. Soft ringing until it's quiet again, I've tried to savour the experience by listening in to the sounds of my world.
Listening to the slow crunch of a crisp apple, the sound of the city, the bubbling of the fish tank. Perfect beautiful sounds ripe with happening.
You can hear the happening of what is at all times if you choose to.

There are other ways to savour, I think it helps to be here and now, the savouring it I mean. By "it" I mean everything your senses allow you to perceive, the everything that is your sensory image of the world around you. Your brain built the image of the world, it's a reflection of you. The world is a mirror to your mind.
Often the reflection is not something I'm proud of, other times I'm exploding with pride.

I wish I could share what I've found with him, but I wasn't fast enough, I wasn't paying attention.

Attention to here and now has been the key I keep dropping and picking up.
Those words are EMPTY
Without care
They dribble out faults
Seeping their way
Poisoned ink
Scoring points
None earned by you
You stole the credit all for yourself
Now you are reeping the fruits
Of  my Labour.
Pradeep Mar 6
Too much, too less,
pulling in every direction.
Why do you call me,
now and then, and often.

So often I get lost,
in a distant world my own,
I jump to another very fast,
as if on a supersonic plane.

'Dreamer', 'fuzzy', 'lazy', 'lil crazy',
said well wishers.
'work hard', 'just focus',
advised freelance advisors.

I read books self-help,
and comics, novels plenty.
they prodded and poked,
'so whats wrong with you',
'why not academic books too?'

If they focused, they would see,
I seek stimulation, novelty.
I learned this late,
when I had all but accepted my fate.

Impatient, impulsive,
I speak before you are done,
can't help it, not for fun,
wish I could wait for my turn.

I delay, I procrastinate,
I pay taxes years alternate.
When close to a deadline,
always on the run.

I am creative, I am funny,
can write a poem, a play,
can raise your spirits, make your day.

Few saw that part of me,
they pointed my flaws,
analyzed my shortcomings.
Now, who has a problem with focus?
It turns out we had a lot in common
It's curious
And funny

He stole my attention since the first time I saw him
He stole my breath once he started talking to me
His charm managed to wound me up
Even when this toy had lost its batteries

This bandit has stolen all of my being

And I can't get him out of my head
His simple voice is hypnotizing
His simple presence radiates his own warmth

His warmth takes over my environment,
It manages to comfort my whole being and I fall into his universe of unknown wonders.

Be that as it may, he sometimes comes closer than what I expect
The sudden surprise of heat shocks me into place
With his body close to mine,
My skin starts to shiver
He breaks through my house of confidence,
Weakens all of my defences,
And steals my heart right out of me

I dread and long his presence

He has beauty
Not only in his magnetic looks
But in his perseverance and humanity
It gives him a strength beyond physical

He has taken my admiration with him

I love his voice
A melody of its own

The simphony reaches my ears,
And they ask for more

I love his interests
There is always something to learn from him
Not once have I gotten bored

I love his smile
The way it stretches across his face
Revealing his refined denture of polished pearls
He shines more than just light within every laugh

I love his flaws
They remind me he is human
Despite the perfection he has reached

He has robbed my bank of words
The sugar sweet phrases I had never used
Now exist in his box of memories

I love this magnificent thief

He has taken my heart...

And I don't mind if he keeps it for a while
Is this what it's like to fall in love? I had never felt this before.
i find it amusing
how little people actually care
but how often they say they do

when i was in the hospital
they said i was going to die
nobody came to visit

when i was home sick for two weeks
nobody asked where i was
some people didn't even notice like my french teacher
i guess ill never have to remake that quiz

i killed myself
a few people noticed
or at least
i hope someone did
im not exactly down on earth
to know if everyone is crying over me
or not
but surely someone cared
i hope someone found my body
and that there will be a funeral with flowers
oh no
what if they didn't even find my body
i knew i shouldn't have done this in the middle of nowhere
okay okay okay
i take it back
i dont want to be dead anymore
this is a lot of work
and its boring
very boring
there isn't even a tv up here
i hate that i can't get a grip on my emotions and that i constantly seek for help and attention from others to make me feel like I am fulfilling the emptiness
even though i clearly know it is all an illusion.
Merlina M Feb 22
you're like my dry lips
always reminding of yourself

always in back of my mind

such an attention seeker

shaynespeare Feb 19
If a clock stops,
Would you still have time?
If matches don't burn,
Would you be my light?
If I'd steal your attention,
Would it be a crime?
If we'd play hide and seek,
Would you still appear in my sight?
zahra wang Feb 19
i used to do it for the attention
the likes
the retweets
the comments
on my pictures
on my tweets
on my statuses
on me

they made me feel validated
“you are good” my brain translated
“they like you” it went on, “that’s good"

they made me feel like i

until they didn’t.

until i felt
in the head
the words didn’t mean anything
the attention wasn’t enough

until i
couldn’t look myself in the mirror
without hating who i was
who i
who i
who i
who i
who am i?


and so i was forced to realize
forced — for if i didn’t, i may have died
i forced myself
to stop
i forced myself
to come to the conclusion
other people’s words did not matter
they did not matter

for if i let them matter
then i may have broken
to the point
that i could not put myself back together

“they matter” my brain told me.
“no, they do not.” said my mouth. “they do not matter.”
“yes they do.”
“no they don’t.”
“they— ”
“— don’t.”
“but — “
“they don’t.”
“th— “
“”they don’t matter.”
“you don’t believe— “
“whether or not i believe, they still do not matter.”
“they won’t accept you.”
“they don’t have to.”
“they won’t love you.”
“but i will."
“but — “

“they,” i said
to the ‘me’ in the mirror
“do not matter."

they did not matter they did not matter  they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter

for the only one that mattered
the only opinion that mattered
the only validation that mattered

was mine.
— not like i don’t enjoy the attention, still. i do. but there’s no point to it if i don’t like it -- if i don't like /me/, is there?
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