you never liked that one word could take me from light to dark,
a flick of a switch.
you never liked my constant questions,
my curiosity made your eyes twitch and your fingers reach for mine in hopes that i would be silent.
you never liked how i loved you,
my heart was too full of you, too much for you.
my emotions were always over the top,
you never liked that either.


i learned to mute these key parts of myself,
to only bring out the pieces you loved.
i became adjusted to feeling unwanted,
but a glimmer of hope remained in my mind that
maybe, one day, you would want all of me.
hell, at least i could try to be wanted by you.
i could try and be enough for you.
if i just put one foot in front of another, you would eventually want me, all of my flaws included.
if i could just keep going and going.

if i could just keep working to make you want me.

i wasn't myself with you- that i know for sure.
but i would've spent every moment being someone i'm not,
if it meant i could stay with you for even one more second.

i'm beginning to realize that we were flawed from the start.
T R S 20h
Dermible detritus set with us
tarps and oil
Soil set with toil
Boiled in bags of tripe
Chips and chicks who titter
Gave me pick of the litter
Loyalty has soiled me
and sent me unto hither

I ask you for a question
Lessen layman make me walk
Make me milk my maiden
Make me cut my stalk

Showy showman dyin'
I felt a lot like cryin'
Cause cousins cause the answer
I call it family cancer
Dancing with my girly
Surely felt so good
But death is still a dealin'
And it's dealin' good.
Turn the page,
Words of rage;
I'm on the wrong
side of broken,
and you put me here,
but I chose to stay.

I want to blame you,
Hate you, but I can't shame you;
There's something in the mirror,
it's slowly becoming clearer,
you're my highest low, my trigger.

I wish we'd never met,
You're my living hell;
torturing my heart now a shell,
harsh words from the man that
once loved you without fail.

You're a seven year wound,
I can't figure out how to forgive,
this bitterness is a wickedness
brought to the surface by wordless rage.
I hate you.

Yet I still love you,
at least the memory of you;
before you changed,
personality rearranged,
I loved you as you were.

The ones hardest to love
Are the ones that need it most;
you rejected mine and buried your own,
carried us to the gravestone,
are you alone tonight?

The love turned to ache,
when you chose to forsake
me to my demons within;
do you think of me still,
or am I just a speck of your past?

I loved you.
I hate you.
And I don't know how to let go.
you always hated classical music. in the mornings when i would play the piano, you would smile for a few seconds and move your mind away from the soft sound of it. i eventually stopped showing you the music that made me feel so alive, because you didn't seem to care. instead, my days were spent listening to your music, even though i hated it, out of hope that it would make you happy. out of hope that i would make you happy. maybe that's my flaw- i was constantly trying to add light to your days. you never concerned yourself with my happiness, never dedicated nights to making plans that might bring me joy. never tried to love music you hated to bring sun to my life. you're gone now, but i hope that, one day, when you're driving to work, claire de lune will play on the radio, and you'll think of me. the way it lit me up inside like nothing else, the way you ignored my inner radiance, the way you treated my well-being like it was something unworthy of your time, the way your selfish actions brought an end to us. i'm slowly learning that my taste in music is just as valid as yours. my feelings are forever just as valid as yours. i hope, when you hear the quiet strength of the music, a wave of regret washes over your body, and you realize that there is beauty in me you will never know again.
Scott Peterson was a resource officer, armed, on campus.
He was too cowardly to risk his life and save those children
that he was supposed to protect.

As children were dying, he was outside crying, scared, lying to himself.
Telling himself that he wanted to live while our youth died,
telling himself that he mattered more than them.
Scott Peterson, a coward,
The shame of this country.
A house realtor steals jewelry and valuables from his clients
out in sunny Arizona.
As if he didn't have a lot of money already.
Speaking of money,
Dear Mr. "President,"
Is that all there is anymore?
Is that what all politicians are after?
As people are starving on the streets, living in ghettos;
As children are getting shot in their own schools,
Pleading for you to change our laws and you turn a blind eye,
all you do is look for more opportunities
to earn money for yourself.
Mr. "President,"
We all know your speeches are written for you,
they're scripted,
You're told what to say.
You pretend like you care about the wellbeing of the common people.
The people like me, the people living on the streets.
But you don't.
You are a greedy, selfish man, who was voted into office by people who are just as greedy and selfish as you.
I'm probably going to get threatened,
and told that I'm stupid for thinking that all this country is,
is shameful and cowardly,
greedy, idiotic, cruel, and profound.
I'm going to be told that I don't know what I'm talking about.
I've only been alive for 18 years, how could I possibly know anything about how the world works?
The thing is,
I don't.
I have no idea how the world works,
but I know that something is wrong when my classmates and I are scared
to walk into school every day.
Something needs to change.
You, the so called president,
You, our elders and old timers,
We, as a society, need to change.

We can't keep acting like this because if we do, our already crumbling country,
is going to fall apart.
Welcome to America, everybody.
The Land of the Greed, and the Home of the Shame.
I fucking hate this place.
I'm still angry
I shouldn't be but belated feelings bemuse me
And now alliteration alters my speech
Like an infection I've held intact that intimacy
But angry still

Love
Love tainted me
Trust tortured me
Like a dogs bone you toyed with my talent
Took it for granted and spit it out in dirt
So take it back
Because these hands will

never

Never make you come again for i have come to a conclusion
Fuck your trust
And fuck your dishonesty
Sex saturated saturdays cease to supliment me
So too do the sudden situations of unneeded:

"sorry"

So now I stare
Stare at the hands that started the solace
And wonder if they'll ever be clean
Forse può aiutare.
No more order,
I've lost the reins,
losing control,
from all the pains.

External, internal,
it's all the same.
Doesn't matter on whom
you put the blame.

Giving in
to this madness,
'cause it feels
better than sadness.

Anger feels
better than pain.
Even if some
teeth have to rain...

Don't have a reason to live.
But don't have a reason to die.
Plus all these lows
Are making me high.
O 2d
How dare you.
You lied to me and deceived,
When I opened my heart and believed,
I had a friend through it all,
But where were you when I began to fall?
I ruined my life in front of your eyes,
Your selfishness shown through in your lies,
You left me for dead in a dark, dark place,
Yet you expect me to drop everything and forgive you just in case,
In case there's a "chance",
In case I fall again,
Now you know how to manipulate the right way,
But trust me, I'm done trying,
How f*cking dare you,
You came to me like I never cared
Like I wasn't there in for YOUR despair
When can you say you did the same?
I can only imagine it was all part of your sick game
I loved you so much
I thought I showed you all the time
That love was platonic
And I thought that was fine
But you didn't, so you hurt me
How dare you tell me otherwise.
When you emailed me and told me never to come back into your life, I had already made the decision not to. You can not manipulate me anymore. I'm done.
its 4 o'clock on a thursday morning
i never went to bed
i suppose, maybe, it was because i was pouring
this tar all out of my head

splashing and splintering that white, stainless floor
that beautiful, cryptic roar
then subsides with the fire
i wait to expire

for my memories are fleeting
and there never was a cure
that magical fix i've been seeking
was only a dreamy lure

and i think my brain might've followed
that tar right onto the floor
and my heart, it left me there hollowed
as it lept right out the front door
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