To be *****
Is to become so numb
You have to be triggered to feel
Anything at all.
The absence of pain
Is a pain in and of itself.

Hands on mine, hands on yours
I try to grasp harder
No warmth felt
And I wonder
What actually I try to hold on to?
The desperation to have someone
or the truth I can't afford to prove

Letters by letters on our books' hard covers
I try to write something to make it believable,
to make it feels real
to make it a part of me
but the words stuck there
I could not continue further
The lines' are imbalance
So much unfinished cliffhanger

Eyes on mine, eyes on us
I try to smile but it's a crooked one
I try to laugh but it's unconvincing
The jokes fade away
like how I feel this past two days
I guess what I can say is that
unlike how it was,
now I'm in love,
but not that much.

I just wanna drink till I can't feel anything .. but then again once I wake up with a hangover I will feel  everything again... So what would be the point of temporary pain relief? I would rather something that's forever pain relief... I don't wanna be the drunk mom you hate, I I don't wanna be the auntie that comes in late , I don't wanna pass my pain on to anyone I rather just disapear, everything is temporary expect death it's a forever thing

How fragile must the skin of those that
                      need to feel that they are owed
                                  something from nothing.


Are owed or are grateful for waking up.  
                    Yet not taking on the fragility of life,
                    that others though they held
                there hands up high
were now silent beneath the gaze
  of tearful eyes asking
                                   why, why, why...

Thanking something that wasn't apart
               of that moment but more
             every action has a reaction.

We must realise that life is a random consequence
                                                               of our actions.

And no rabbits foot,
              or palms crushed together till numb.

Will change the fact that the world is a random,
                               chaotic path..

If wake up its because we were lucky,
                  because were all going to take
that wrong step sometime...

And no hands held high
                  or silent words will ever change that.

as i exhale, it seems almost as if my lungs shake,
making the breath that leaves me feel uncertain and foreign.
you'd think that since i've breathed like this for as long as i can remember that it'd become a home for me
but it's still not me,
something inside me tells me that something is wrong,
that the uneasiness of my breathe isn't normal.
i stared into nothing as i breathed like this,
my limbs would sometimes go numb and the world would move in slow motion,
sometimes my head would stop running thoughts
,and as much as i should,
i liked it.
i liked feeling nothing, the uneasiness of my breathe would somehow comfort me.
i could forget for 5 seconds and sometimes that was enough.

i think i have a problem,
for real this time,
because the only words i've been able to write for months are
"i'm drowning"
and just what the **** am i drowning in?
to be honest i think i'm just numb
like when you're drowning and your brain shuts off when you run out of breath and--
there i go again.
i need a hug, and maybe a plane ride.
or just to sit on the top of a mountain, away from the depths of a body of water.
because i think water is out to get me right now,
like it's planning something
(like drowning me)
because i haven't really cried in a while,
which is just absurdly rare for me.
i cry all the time! it's my thing!
but tears haven't fallen in a long time,
and i've been really dehydrated, too.
so i think the water is saving itself for the big event.
it's hurricane season again, after all.
why do i feel like i'm drowning, if the water is waiting?
she hasn't drowned me yet, so why do i feel like it's already happening, or is currently happening?
the only answer i have is that i'm just become too numb.
and bracing myself for every eventuality has numbed me into oblivion, and that's what the draining drowning feeling is.
i don't really understand any of this.
but the good news is: i don't have to!
because by the time i get close to an answer, hurricane season will have ended and started all over again.

It's ironic, isn't it,

how the heart's gentle mascot,
the rose,
can make rubies pool in the creases of our flesh

or, how love itself can pluck the beat from our hearts until we are left numb to emotion

or, how we beg our heart to feel,
but when it does, we fill our souls with gasoline and choke matches down our voiceless throats,
hoping to make ashes of emotions that we fail to suppress?

Unbeknownst to her family,
Ascends a conflagration of unforeseen limits
A relentless and foul depravity
She cries in disbelief for she might not make it

Kindled in her ashen spirits,
She is taunted by depression's gravity
This vortex of agony is death's one-way ticket
That bewilders her sagacity

–
Melody
9/22/19

This is all me in my head-
the shaking hands and the
emptiness that I feel
but is it just that I don't feel enough
or so much
that I'm shutting down-
sleeping away my days
going into nights where I stare up
at the sky and wonder why
my life is the way that it is.

I can't tell why I'm crying- because
I feel nothing
empty
hollow
empty
nothing
complete loss of anything-
but I know that things will not alway be this way because
I remember times when I did feel-
so hard
so fast
so intense
that this all must just be my body
trying to react to something
that it does not know what it is reacting to

What is going on
why am I so numb?
This is all in my head-
this is on me-
it will be okay-
the feeling will come back-
but for now I'll sit.