Turning nocturnal
Eternally slipping deeper
Into sleepless abyss
Darkness shrouds
Thoughts drowning
Crowding internal
Futile attempts
My vile mind can't find peace

Awake but paralysed
Open eyes
But anaesthetised
Restraining
Taming fury that abides
Inside
Cold to the core
Unsure
What it's all for

I can't feel anything other than my stomach acid rising up my throat
I'm begging for thoughts more profound and uplifting
Something to pull me off of this couch and give me the desire to breathe air
I just want to be hungry for more than cigarettes and coffee
To crave more than a good fuck and all those drugs I just can't have
Is this exhaustion or am I finally just coming to terms with hopelessness
I've spent better night's passed out in apartment stairwells, drunk on $6 wine
Not this, shriveling in my own home, resenting bills I can afford to pay
Falling apart and spitting up my groceries, crying in a warm shower
Perhaps trying to get better was the worst thing for me.

If this is depression then

I don't think depression is

feeling hurt

I think it must be

the lack of hurt

and really any feelings

at all

Somewhere I lost a piece in me.
It’s all covered in the past.
Fog and smoke surround my mind,
The voices they echo inside.

What have I become?

Feelings of none I’m only numb,
A shiver lingers down my spine.
That piece once me now empty,
Not free

What has happened to me?

Days I cry a river like Nile,
But nothing soothes my pain.
The echoes inside are now in screams,
Between people bound to rings.
Pressured chest and clutched breath

This never use to be me.

I’m so lost in pain, like stitches pulled
I can kick and claw for a better tomorrow,
But I just don’t feel like it today.

Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.

how by chewing wildflowers
til your tongue turns numb because
you're enamoured by the way it sounds
when you slur your words.
your teeth turn black and
when you smile all i see is
pips and petals stuck between your teeth.
oh you're so pretty.
you're a real loose cannon, tendrils
tethered to every orifice and
every breath smells a little more
like the grim reaper is sleeping
in your mouth. i can see he's
making quick work of your gums.
but it works.
better that than he move into your chest
or burrow into pockets of fat
in your head.

I leak when I don't know what to do or feel.

Laying on my side, the gates behind my eyes open
and a slow flood meanders through.
Exiting my tear ducts and making a pool on my right cheek.
I sit and I leak
like a broken faucet.

Only in silence
because though I'm weary,
I do not creak like an old broken sink.

My skin absorbs the empty tears
so quick that they cannot make their way onto my pillow case.
No trace of the lack of feeling that took place.

How pitiful is that?

A girl who leaks
because she doesn't know how to not be an old broken sink.

There's a depth in you that has yet been discovered.
Abyssal and buried
it terrifies your lovers.
These trenches
carved in your heart from years of pain frozen into ice.
Bottomless cracks in your chest
where no one can touch you
have become paradise.

What if I told you I really loved you
Someplace away from the depths of my poetry
Somewhere away from the corners of my chaotic mind
Sometime away from the words I weave
When I'm lost in the thoughts of you

Yet
I couldn't give you that power
To take every broken shard left of me
And walk away
Just to leave me with nothing more
But more pain and regret

So my pencil keeps scribbling
The mess I feel for you
At least until my hand goes as numb
As my heart

Forever doomed to live with these chained desires
Forever doomed to silence my own pain
 Forever doomed to wear these imperfect masks
     And forever
             doomed
                     to never
                              love
...

Never again