I felt it first at fourteen
the hollow in my ribcage
Entrenched nothingness
Empty
Perforated the layers of my navel
From cover to cover  
A window in my chest  
Look through me
Nothing.

I need to cry, but I forgot how
I need to scream, but no one will hear me
I need to feel, but I am numb
What a I to do now?
I’m in so much pain,
Yet I can do nothing to relieve it
I’m so tired i cannot sleep
I’m so hungry I cannot eat
I’m so depressed I don’t know what happiness is anymore
I just need to FEEL
But I don’t know how to do that anymore
People constantly ask how I feel
I always reply fine
When honestly
I’m tired
Numb
And sacred.
Not because of others, but of myself.
One of these days I’ll end up cracking and falling apart
Maybe when that day comes,
I’ll be able to feel again

Through the smoke and ash in the air, the rebar spears
through the broken concrete
it was meant to hold,
mangled and awkward and stiff. Rebar
clawing at the sky like the hands that tried to
dig their owners out of the rubble. Out of the ruins. Out
of the explosion that brought a dozen lives to oblivion
and a dozen families to their knees.

Blood everywhere. On clothes, faces,
hands, flowing over exposed bone
that tore through skin
like the rebar through the facade.
You ask your god why
it has to happen like this. I laugh,
because you pretend
you don't already know the answer.

I feel hollowed out, gutted.
I can hear my heartbeat echo throughout my chest,
making it the only way I know I am still alive.

and that something is still alive in me.

I could be hurt even dead but I wouldn't know it, I've become so attached to my demons I don't even feel the pain no more.

I crave to be who I once were, an infant crawling back to her tender loving arms, if only I knew that it could all be so dim, I would have laid back, push my dreams and aspirations aside and drown within her belly.

My lungs filled up with numbness

And they filled up so much that they spilt over

Into my stomach

Then my limbs

My body

And my head

I didn’t feel anything

Nothing at all

No thoughts

No emotions

No feeling



And

I guess
You noticed





“Are you okay?”

“Yeah..”

“Are you sure?”

I shrugged

Your lips pulled into a sharp line

You pulled me closer

To your heart

A soft rhythm

And you whispered to me

About all the things I’ve overcame

How strong I am

My achievements

You whispered to me how you see me

You stayed with me even though you had something important to do

You asked if I was stable enough to be alone for awhile

And you stayed when I softly shook my head

You left when I said I was fine

When really I wasn’t

So I slept until you got back

And you softly woke me up

You hugged me again

Thank you..