Its that type of night
thoughts of you appear stronger than usual
making me numb and my heartache unbearably
crying while I curse your name to the wind
repeating "I hate you" to the darkness of my room
hating the fact that I could never have what we had again
I miss you so much
I have never missed anyone as much as you
If there's a human contact or touch
That's how it will go...
"I am hollow inside
I meet you on the network
I feed you some lies
I force you to swallow
I let you know - we're taking it slow
& when I get bored - I ask you to go
As if nothing happened”
Only if you try to see
It is as simple as it is
You are my temporary distraction
You can't fill in the vacancy
& your greatest flaw, oh Elliot?
It's just that you are beautiful
& I don't know - who I am anymore
"Everyone is an idiot
Everyone is so cool
My dear Elliot, what did you do?
Don't you see, they're all struggling
But they hide it better than you
My beautiful Elliot, what did you do?"
There are so many people
but who wants to talk?
When I'm confused I go on long walks to nowhere, I get lost in alleys
& when the night wraps it's starry
Blanket around me - I cease to feel
What is so beautiful that I cannot see
As if somebody stole all the stars from my eyes and
Replaced them with buttons
you & me - I cannot see
Today I laid in bed a total of 7 more minutes than I should have
before rushing to get ready for work.
I let that sinking feeling pull me under.
Drowning in my own bed,
No thoughts actually running through my head,
Just a mind numbing realisation that I’ll have to get up at some point.
But I just laid there.
No emotion on my face.
Eyes glued to the ceiling
Blinking every 4 seconds,
Before letting out a long sigh
as if my soul had been sent back to me.
Then i caried on with the day as normal.
Caring has always gotten me in trouble
it's just as dangerous
Because I feel everything so deeply
too much perhaps
And I don't always want to
But it's not the pain I fear anymore
It's the numbness
I have been both ends of the spectrum
And I would rather hurt
Then feel nothing at all
Because the day I got my wish
of being strong
of being numb
Was the day I regretted
Ever wanting something so lonely
I will never grow numb
I will never ignore my feelings
It isn't fun
But having feelings of pain
I need to spit...
There is a point in time in which you need someone who can connect with you and give you the signs of love, but when you cannot get that from someone because there is no one there to care...you're barely capable of daring yourself to give up on something that isn't even there. I have Fear...
I fear to lose those dear to me...but when I go numb from being broken so many times by limes so sour they cause me to cower, crying and hopeless, empty and broken...I go numb. I know I may sound dumb, but when the gum no longer sticks...am I really dumb?
I mean, let me explain. I lost a man to himself, I tried to give him the wealth, the love, the support, the health he could use...though he threw it against the ground and frowned. "We can be friends"...boy how?! How can we be friends when we shared more than friends, bands that were tied to us are broken, and now I am alone once more...
I smiled before, because I knew that this would happen, foreshadowing my fate, for the sake of my emotions...did I fall in love with a robot? I would say he was human, but doomed and LOOK! I know I made a choice, my fault, but I couldn't help it. I fought for something I believed in...and that was HIM!
Still...I feel like I could cry again...but I smile instead. I am numb...acting as though nothing happened, but the only real way to express the tragic moment is to write and draw what I saw...what I'll see. I can't believe that someone that seemed limited, broke into my soul and ate my heart, could care less if they ripped me apart. I can't tell if I'm exaggerating...I'm the one who's contemplating a faster expiration date...maybe he's sitting around in school, laughing, drinking juice with someone whose admired, loved by him...
Ha...I am numb...but am I? I want to explode, I want to reck rage onto everything sane, I want to crash, burn, disperse and rehearse my happy place...I can't look into my own face...I'm a disgrace. Did I waste my time...Was it worth it...being kind? I'm not sure...is there even a cure? I don't know...I'm no longer whole.
I have no friends, no family, no heart..I have no soul, lost hopes, GOSH, my life is like some sick and twisted art...a play...a movie...entertainment for the moody...
Numb...I want to be...I want to feel nothing, lack care..lose memory...I don't want this...I could care less if I am missed.
she sits at the edge
addicted to the swaying
movements of flame.
an instrument of mourning.
Plaque-like, she kills the spurious
divine that demand your presence
and live inside your musings.
barely a whisper
called out for
to feel anything at all.
Keep your distance
leave me alone
I don't care for you anymore
Harsh words are useless
my feelings are already numb
my tears hit the floor
Can't you see I don't need you
don't want you, don't love you
your eyesight must be poor.
Im begging you go away,
move on, don't call me names
I've already showed you to the door.
Don't you see?....
They asked me what my greatest fear was.
I thought for a moment and then it hit me.
I almost felt the pain of the fact itself.
The fact i could die without finding the one who makes me weak.
Weak in the most beautiful possible way.
That kind of weakness when i can't move any part of my body.
Such a weakness when the only thing you feel is tickling.
But for the moment, in the mess of my thoughts, only thing I can think of is you.
Suddenly I'm feeling numb because you could be the one.
The one who could make sure i never fear.
Because your eyes are pure stars.
And your fingers, when they touch me, freeze me to the bones.
But in spite of that I feel so alive and so infinite.
It's like that numbness gives me energy.
Isn't it ironic? Life is a paradox.
We are all made from stellar stuff.
And nuclear fusion gives us goosebumps.
My fingers itch
My palms sweat
And slides down
My legs twitch
As your hands hover
Over my love handles
And I clench my hands
My stomach stays still
Empty from the epitome of
Butterflies that should
Instead my brain urges
Maybe the nagging numbness that never
Negotiates will navigate somewhere else
Maybe I might feel funny, fantastic,
Your hands trace circles
On my breasts bringing a trail
Of goose bumps
Yet I feel nothing
The numbness never seems