I have discovered that I am a living illness: I am contagious.
The love of the life said these things to me in the last couple months and it has been breaking my heart because it's my fault and I know it;
"I have never felt this hopeless in my life"
"I don't want to live right now"
"I have no more motivation or excitement for life"
"What happened, I didn't used to be like this"
"Since I met you I haven't been sincerely happy"
"Could you pray for me to get in a wreck and die on the way home"
"I am not good at deceiving my emotions"
"This has been the hardest two months of my life"
"Why aren't you letting me be depressed"
"Why don't you talk to me about sad things like you do with all your other depressed friends?"
Listen up love,
I know how you're feeling.
I know what it's like to sit in bed and dread having to live another messed up day in this world.
But sweetheart do you know how many of us wish that we only had depression for two months?
Do you know how many of us wish we knew what triggered our depression?
Do you know what it takes to keep going after 5 years..?
It takes a lot,
And I don't want you to have to experience that,
I don't want you to experience that.
In fact, you won't experience that because I won't let you.
Because you are not created to be depressed.
You became depressed,
because I came into your life.
When I met you, it was like I was meeting a motivational speaker.
Stoked on life and the future.
Adventure was your middle name.
But then after you met me, you felt like you would connect with me more if you became sad too.
You wanted to relate with me more and help me.
But then you internalized it and it took you captive and now you can't get out.
It is a slippery *****.
And I am so sorry.
I am really really sorry.
Baby now I am being the brick wall.
I am trying to hold us both up,
because if I fell, we both would.
It's hard to be strong sometimes.
You're right, I am not okay all the time,
but I have to be.
That's what you don't understand
sometimes you have to fake it.
I broke you.
I have to fix you.
I need to fix you.
Because I hate myself enough already,
and if I can't help you then I will hate myself more
I don't want to do that.
I have tried to tell you that it gets better.
Your mind might be pitch black right now, but you have to look for the happy.
You have to look for the little things,
a pretty sunset, or a little boy hugging his mom, or a flower.
You have to look for the little pieces of light throughout this ******* up world.
Your pitch black mind will start to have spots of light,
just like stars.
So next time when you look at me with tears streaming down your face and you say,
"I can't do this anymore"
I am going to give you a hug and say
"keep trying because it gets better"
even though I know that I am lying,
and that it probably won't.
I am really sorry.
I have discovered that I am contagious,
like a cold.
don't catch me