lilhadi 4h
You will not be punished for your anger,
you will be punished by your anger.
I appear to be pushing back tears,
And I'm trying to stay strong.
Why have I been seeking forgiveness for all these years?,
Why did I romanticise my Demons in song?

I feel like the stem of a Rose,
A quaint mind of beautiful words to take away others hurt.
But I pierce the skin of those who comes close,
As I stamp on the acquaintances I left in the dirt.

Spawn of a Speed fiend and the bastard of an Opium freak,
A walking disease.
Ever so volatile and damned to Hell like a Sinners smile,
Walking for miles in my own head,
Only to fall to my knees at Satan craving;
Hg 6h
i hope all his cum
filled you up
with some regret

you just lost the one person
that wanted more
than sex
i find myself wishing for this feeling to come in familiar patterns
it's erratic and various

it never comes the same as before
and it never lingers as long

but is that a sign that i'm getting better?
or is it a habit of ignoring it after a while?

at this point
i don't know anymore

i just feel entrapped by the fear of not being good enough
and the hollowness of not doing enough
At 3am when I’m lonely and my mind neurotic.
I find comfort in messaging you,
Although now purely platonic.

I sink deep into old memories,
Where you would hold and adore me.
Lust and love are what makes life worth living.  
Now I’m just high all time and everything’s boring.

Not until recently had I fathomed my impact as lover.
I played heedlessly with your mind,
Leaving you no chance to recover.

I left you thinking there was no way out,
That this was the final labyrinth.
You never should have had felt like you needed to resort to that shit.  
I never should have smiled that day at the sad boy in the plaid shirt and gold Rolex counterfeit
She declared war upon herself in the midst of her savage self-hatred
Cutting her skin and suffocating her throat till she begged for air’s price.
She was once was a child afraid of just touching any sharp blade
Encase it accidentally cuts her and now: She doesn’t think twice

before picking up that blade and shoveling it into her skin like a smith.
She baked lies on her forgotten suicide note. Lies that disguised
themselves in coats of truth. She strangled her own chest with
ropes of words she didn't utter and blocked new hope from unsupervised

entering into her dejected lungs that begged for life's meaning not reprimands.
But she found no purpose to keep her garden living so she therefore
poisoned every plant and washed any seeds of life left in her sunless lands
down the drain until she fell into an everlasting sleep. Her wish for

peace had come to her but others wept on the loss of a friend, student, daughter, and one less hazed
family member. They never believed her when she said she wanted to commit suicide anyways.
On your manic days,
when I can't get eye contact from you,
when your phone is your best friend,
and cleaning up your mess,
is the only thing on your mind.
I keep hearing your words
"I'm not a cuddling person,
you should be grateful
for what affection
you get from me."
You say you didn't mean it.
Yet I'm a ghost in my own home.
Unable to get my husbands touch.
I question my existence,
my purpose,
and why I sacrifice so much,
only to be scarified.
Please don't give a fuck anymore,
I beg of you,
Please stop hurting yourself,
You give away pieces of yourself,
Aren't you tired?
                                                      Yes,­ i am.
The holes are only going to grow bigger,
The pain is only going to hurt more,
Please just let go.
                        It's easier said than done.
You are tearing yourself apart.
                                                       It's okay,
                              as long as no one feels
                                     the same way i do.
there is strength in unity
but all who were sane have fled the pack
I have so much to say
But nothing to write down
It's raining cats and dogs
My phone will only stay on for ten more minutes
No electricity until the rain stops
It's thirty-eight minutes to two a.m.
I've got tears in my eyes
I'm a mess.

I wrote an epistle for a friend today
For his one-year anniversary
With the love of his life
She completes him
I see it
All the changes she made
In his life
She wrote an epistle for his birthday last month
He's no good with words
So he kept begging until I said yes.

I recently had my heart broken
I broke it myself
But I guess I can't complain
Cause I shattered his along with mine
Not my friend
My ex-boyfriend
We were together nine months
Would be ten today
But I broke us.

I'm so sad
I toss and turn till I cry silently
And then I drift into a restless sleep
It was best for us what I did
But it don't feel like it
It's like he was a part of my respiratory system
And without him it's so hard to breathe.

On nights this cold and lonely
I wonder if he's sober
Cause I'm the crybaby and he's the drunk
We're both trying to cope seeing as the pain is too much
We still talk but not like before
It could never be like before
It's such a shame
It really is cause
We were perfect together
But life is a complicated bitch that screwed us over.

It's now twenty-eight minutes to two a.m.
Time to cry my eyes out
So I can finally get a three-hour sleep.
Thank you for reading.
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