allie 2h

i just need something
to brighten my days
and make them seem
less bleak
so i don't drink bleach
and call it a day.

i just need a little something to make me happy.

I'm sick of pretending like everything's okay,
with the war going on inside my head.
I'm tired of  trying,
to be normal.
While things are falling apart.
I'm tired of hoping,
you see behind my smiles and laughter.
And just once see my broken spirit and lost soul.
I'm tired of coping,
with something I can't.
When every thought and every breath is a war,
a war I'm not winning anymore.
I'm tired of existing,
can't I just disappear.
Take a break from the loneliness and pain.
I'm tired of breathing,
when actually I'm drowning.
While everyone else around me isn't.
I'm tired of living,
when I'm already dead on the inside.
Maybe life isn't for everyone.

It's not like I chose to be like this, I don't care if you see the cuts and scars on my wrists anymore...stop asking if I'm OK, do you like it when I lie to you?

Drowning in my thoughts,
alone in distraught.
Seeking a way out of this place,
this never-ending nightmare.
Out of options,
alone and depressed.
A few cuts away from a deep,sweet slumber.
The blade cuts deep beneath my skin,
blood steadily trickles down my arm,
as I say your goodbyes.
All before comforting darkness consumes me,
leaving this hell-on-Earth behind.
They won't miss me will they?
Never mind, it doesn't matter anymore

Mary 6h

The world isn't right,
I'm giving up the fight.
No demons 'neath the bed;
The only ones are in my head.
Lock the door, turn off the lights;
Cry myself to sleep tonight.
No one knows, no one cares;
They sleep beyond my many fears.
Death will come, blood in my gut;
Ready to make the final cut.

Synanceia 13h

Explain to me why I dance to blood,
Look at me when I hurt too much.
Tell me why he painted me black,
and scrutinise my high when he doesn't love me back


I know its not as easy as I imagine it
I know it takes so much time
I know sometimes it can make your heartbeat stops
I know sometimes it can make you hard to breathe
I know you can't take it anymore
I know you want to get over it but you can't
I know you always find ways
I know you tired
but hey, I know you tried


suddenly aware of an ascending sense of depression
mostly unaware of my instinctive feelings and aggression.
my mind is running laps around the empty hole inside my chest
and i am just exhausted, my energy is constantly suppressed.
uncomfortably trapped inside my bed, just trying to arise
an aching sense of actuality, my brain can fantasize.
the throbbing pain of all my joints conjoin my body to my mind
regretting all of the troubled thoughts i thought i left behind.
proactively trying to occupy less space
staring in the mirror not recognizing my own face.
it's safe to say i'm lonely here, drowning in grey
but who is kidding, if you were here i'd probably just push you away.

written in the middle of the night.

why can't i be comfortable in my own skin?
insecurity bites at my stomach lining
and sadness kisses my cheeks.
death continues to put its finger in my mouth
as time pushes me forward.

my question is: when will i become relevant? when can i make an impact? when can i become a favorite? will i always stay this invisible? if i were to just fade away, bit by bit, limb by limb, then can i be noticed? i think it's because i want to be like the cool kids, i don't want to be the odd one out. i want people to see my aesthetic and i want to be more than average. i want to be special, dynamic, beautiful. i want to have a lovely soul. i want to be looked at like i'm art too. i want to be like those pretty girls with gentle looking eyes and softserved souls.

I'm glad that beauty is supposedly not only skin deep.
Because if it was, then I'd be ugly.

I'm glad that in the 21st century, no one cares what you look like.
Because if they did, I'd be a loner.

I'm glad that no one judges me for how fat I am.
Because if they did, I'd be depressed.

I'm glad that what you wear doesn't define your social status.
Because if it did, mine would be non-existent.

And I'm glad that humans have finally figured out that war is stupid.
Because if they hadn't then our current safe haven would be receiving threats of nuclear war from Kim Jong Un.

I'm so glad.

allie 2d

your touch
makes sparks
and throws away my conclusion.
i can't help loving you
because you are blood.
i can't help hating you
because of your actions.

your embrace
makes me want to
and dance
then roll around in

but i can't,
now can i.
your damn love
is making me pay
and forcing me to break
the remaining shatters of my life.

. . .

i know i said i'm not thinking about it.
but how can i not?
it's so appealing.
everything gone in an instant.
so easy.
so simple.
the glass that sticks into my palms disappears,
along with the bruises.
the cuts.
the scars.
i just wish that

someone would listen.

i wrote this late at night, when my darkest thoughts come out.
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