So depressed, life is just a constant stress,my mind cant rest... pain in my chest,its either this or death.. Dreadful rest...
Is this God's test,
Or is my life that big of a mess..
This pain in my chest..
I constantly live inside my head, the boogie monsters not under my bed, hes inside my ******* head, I cant escape him,i know he ain't fake man, theres nowere to run to and nowere to hide. I look in the mirror and I'm forced to look him in the eyes . ...
I begin to cry, tears rolling down my cheek, my knees get weak.,I cant speak please god set me free from all this misery ...
They unintentionally told me tonight
That they're proud of me
But I don't cry in front of them
So I have to wait to cry happy tears
Until they fall asleep.
So... I kind of had a ****** day today... I found out that I didn't make the All-State choir that I was so excited to maybe be a part of, and so I was kind of crying for a couple of class periods today... but it started looking up, and I had the first rhythm section practice for our basketball/pep band and that was fun so my day was getting better, and then I got home and I was in my room and coming upstairs for dinner and I heard my parents talking to my brother about what I've been dealing with and how great my grades are they didn't say the actual word "proud" but I could just tell that they were and it made me so happy like seriously... <3
I went around town looking for a quick way to commit suicide because everything around me seems worthless,
Everyone's now looking for joy in materialistic objects,
All stuck in the matrix, programmed to not ask "out of the box" questions,
What's the purpose of living?
Does life have any meaning?
If so, why is it missing in my dictionary?
A month ago I drank rat poison,
Hoping to die but
It actually tasted like a magic potion
And I swear I heard a voice inside my head saying "look for better options"
Without a peace of mind I know my life costs no fortune,
I have had my share of love and she left me crying out a monsoon,
I can already hear the people who despise me say "gone to soon"
As they watch my body float in the sky hanging on to a noose tied around the moon.
I feel like there's no escape from it.
Like a bad dream but you never wake up.
Or maybe it's more like every time you close your eyes to go to bed,
You have the same ******* nightmare and morning dread.
Doing the same thing is considered insanity
And yet I do it every day
Because every time I try
To get out of this rut
Circumstances push me right back into the mud.
And I'm tired.
Tired of trying.
Tired of the ******* cycles
That I'm apparently too stupid to figure out how to break.
What the **** do you want from me God?
I obviously can't do anything you want right,
Or I wouldn't feel plagued every single night.
With the same nightmare,
And the same godforsaken morning light.
I thought I was fine.
I thought I became numb
after the last time I was broken.
Why does it hurt multiple times harder this time?
Why is this loneliness so exclusive
that nobody else knows my pain?
I am falling deeper and deeper
and nobody even senses my absence.
Why could nobody hear me scream?
Where are all the heads that I lent my shoulder
now that I need some shoulder to bury my tears?
Why couldn't I find comfort in any of the eyes around me?
Why do I feel left out from the whole universe?
Why couldn't my heart take the fact
that nobody cares enough to pull me out?
Where did it all go wrong?
Why am I not enough for myself?
Why am I not enough to pick myself up this time?
Why do I keep looking for hope
in places that I could never get hope?
Why is it so hard this time?
my tender heart aches
at the thought of any slight change
any and everything
within the right constraints
may cause inconceivable discomfort
blank stares and angry confusion haunt me
they live within the uninhabited parts of me
they’ve decided to take shelter within the parts i’ve closed off for good
empty rooms they fill
inching in my mind
the worms grow by feeding on my discomfort
how they wish i was dead
sometimes i make peace and side with them
look at me and lie
use me till i have nothing to give
leave your scars under my skin
because when it’s over
i’ll be able to live
delusional grandeur is my peace
so just leave
leave me here
i wasn’t meant to make it dear
The sky was gray on that day.
The wind cut into my cheeks, leaving a rosy tint.
Tears welled in my eyes,
From the wind? From the words you said?
As you spoke, I felt you reach into my chest,
And pull out my heart.
You crumbled it in your hand.
But you apologized, so it’s okay,
As you left, I wanted to reach into your chest too,
And pull out your heart,
And crumble it in my hands,
But I couldn’t move, I was numb.
All I felt was static.
You turned back and said
You didn’t mean it,
But your action spoke louder.
my bed sits, empty as my pocket
bearing nothing more than your old promises
collecting dust, waiting to be heard again
by someone willing to listen.
it breaks me down, every time
I feel you near me
haunting my empty bed
with your sharp teeth.
my body knows your words
can still cut me at my throat
so I wait
patiently, for your blade
to appear beside me
without your hand to hold it.