Alaska 1h

I often catch myself
worrying about me
                  that's how you know
                             I must be
                             fucked up.
It's okay though,
                 i'll be fine..
one day.

Alaska 2h

To never know how to describe how you feel is so terrifying.

Alaska 2h

My soul is drowning with sorrow and
I can't seem to swim...

you will feel the wrath of guilt when her hands take you into a choke hold,
when it's 3 am and you can no longer run from the amount of lingering regret you want to repress.
I hope you allow yourself to grieve because you will look for me in every soul you meet.
new love interests will scare you senseless,
you feel sick because there's possibility you will rip apart their cotton candy hearts,
as you once did to me.  
you want to believe that this all was a dream,
that's it not 3 am and you can fall asleep.
I torture you and we don't even speak,
it's because you have drown me in the ocean of heart break and it's too late to resuscitate me.
you have failed and you feel it now,
every ounce of you is guilt consumed.
this is your humane senses coming through,
I don't view you as a demon,
as much as I would love to.

I’m becoming blurry
When I look at myself in the mirror
And I’m beginning to see
His face through mine
Instead of mine
Like my body is disappearing into His
Like if He wasn’t there
I’d be completely invisible

Now I can’t get rid of Him.

Or I just don’t want to
Because I don’t want to vanish
Into thin air
And be another ghost
Wandering the streets
I want to be seen
Even if His eyes
Are piercing through mine
Even if the world is clouded because of it

Every time I blink
My life seems to get a shade darker
Until everything is disfigured
From His pupils over mine
And anything bright
Seems out of place
Forcing my eyelids back shut
Until the dark returns

It’s funny
That after I’ve been with someone
For so long
I become more and more like them
With Him
It’s no different
I chose to let Him stay with me
And as a consequence
I’m fading into Him

It sounds cliche
That maybe I need Him to survive
Maybe I’d lose my identity without Him
Maybe I’d be nothing…
Maybe I’m too afraid
To let go
And find out

He’s given me a reason to live
And a need to die
But who am I to turn Him away?

I wonder
If I’ll ever truly be able
To see myself in the mirror again
Or if I’ll forever
Be looking through His eyes.

At a time where it seems so very hard, for me just to feel alive.
all I wanted then, was to drive
As ridiculous as it seems
it was the stuff of my dreams
all I needed was my car and vacant 4am roads.

Going through the gears, as if they were my final years
piston tatted-ring finger; hand firmly wrapped around the wheel
braking late into the corner
locking up the alloy steel wheels on my automobile  
the tires squeal
waltzing them back into rotation as I find the threshold
clutch in
twist of the leg at the hip, I blip the throttle with my heel
down into second
one swift movement
un-burnt fuel erupts in the pipes.
blitzing through the off ramp
keeping it tight, clipping the manhole cover in the apex
pedal flat coming out, bounce the tach' as its not worth the upshift
pitch the car into the long sweeping overpass bend
the back end kicks out on decel'
counter steer and slam the accelerator back into the bare metal floor
front wheels clawing in the direction that I please
keys slapping my knees
straighten out and I ease her back home.

reverse down into the narrow; dimly lit garage
as I climb out, I can feel the heat radiating from the machine I built
hot oil ticking as it finds its way back to the pan
I stand and watch my car slowly disappear behind the garage door
it is but another night survived
for both of us.

imagine your single most favorite thing to do is extremely dangerous, illegal and selfish.

I can't change what's been done
And even so much as yesterday I'm
Surrounded by a chorus of "what if"s
And when I reminisce I think;
"Ignorance is bliss"

When that sunset
I remember your oven hands on mine.
I remember it was far from bliss
You missed your goodbye kiss
Because you hit my cheek
Instead of my lips.
while my stomach does backflips
I either stutter or my words skip
My tongue tripped
Or at least that's what I'll say.

My best excuse
Is just my next excuse.
Forgive me my muse,
For I know not what I do.

I need you to know that
The voices in my head
Won't rest but they'll sleep
When I'm dead.
They've kept me going
All these months.
Because I know they aren't done.
They stay with me
They lay with me.
They lesson me each time
That you've beckoned me.

So where am I to go
When I've buried the past
But our God raises the dead so
It's a grave that never lasts.
Is the present worth running too
When I can stay where I'm at?
I know forgiveness waits for me
I just forget to ask.

Maybe you'll take 2 years
Or two more on top
But eventually I'll be
Another scar that you forgot.
I'll be the ring around your finger
That you don't know how you got.

When that sun set
I remember your oven hands couldn't find
The strength to make me stay.
But it was the last night you were mine.

Kee 2d

I'm scared of the future
And how I'll be
Filled with anxiety
Will I have a handle on my life
Or will the wheels fall off?
And I'm left to die
Will my feelings for change
Do they remain?
Does love exists in my dictionary
Or is it replaced with hate?
Do I see clearly?
Or is it all a blur?
Do my friends stick by me?
Do I sit in the house alone?
Do I grow old and forget my nae?
Or does the noose come to claim me?
Am I happy or sad?
Do I have kids?
Am I lost in my imaginations
Or living them instead?

i never thought i would make it this far
i told my mother
what do you mean? she asked
in life I replied

- I never thought I'd make it to eighteen

told my mom that I never thought I would make it to eighteen years old I thought I would have killed myself by now
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