been through a lot and you've said you'd be there,
when i'm crying at night why'd i think you would care,
why did i believe every word that you said,
now all of the memories are stuck in my head,
yea it hurts to be loved,
yea it hurts to be lost ,
in a sea full of people,
your trying to move on.
There's so many nights
when i cant go to sleep
when i only can sleep
at the sound of your weep.
You might have seen them through the window,
a little girl pouting on the stool and her mother
behind her, deft fingers weaving the strands
together, chocolate hair in french braids and the
wrinkles in her blue gingham dress.
There is a beginning to everything.
Golden-hair boy, caramel colors glinting in the sun,
pieces that flopped over his eyes and plastered
themselves over his forehead when the wind blew
erratic. He wears t-shirts streaked with dirt and high-
water jeans half-rolled, half-bunched up to his knees.
She thought, I could love this boy.
They're in the field again, ankles itching under her
frilly socks and ants crawling over her shoes. He lets
one amble around on his finger while she studies him.
Holding it up to the light, all serious and squinting,
He whispers, "They are so small."
She remembers this field for a long time.
She points to his heart. This is where I live. He looks
at her skeptically, raises an eyebrow."Is it awfully
uncomfortable there?" She lets the silence grow while
the birds make conversation and smiles to herself when
she sees him listening too.
Sometimes it is cold, but then you remember me.
There are pieces of love scattered around this world.
I have been trying to find them, trying to arrange them
into a comprehensible hope. There's the field. There's the
beach. There's the little stream that carries us where we
need to go. There's you, in that one summer.
It's been so long, but I remember. I remember it perfectly.
She's making a daisy chain while he looks out over the
lake. Climb the tree for me. I want to see how high you
can go. Nearly breaking the branches with his weight, he
calls out, in the purest joy you've ever heard to this day.
"You should see this view!"
it drifts beyond an evening April sky
the rain drops, merely tears inside my eyes
for many years I've wondered where it ends
but the answers are all ageless,
stuck in time
there are bits of broken slivers stripped away
chipped, and ripped, and stolen
nothing ever ends okay
yes, I've been told a time or twice about the window
about temptation shining through,
and trying to rip us from our comfy little couches
ugly floral arrangements and
tacky music on the boombox
ruined my summers
picking weeds to make bouquets, and hoping just to put a smile on your face
but the thought never counted
and you never
to want me around
I have some good memories of you
From when I was younger.
I remember the times
You'd bring me fishing,
You taught me how to cast.
I'd always hoped to catch
A fish as big as a shark.
I remember how you'd
Always make me laugh.
Especially when you'd start
Laughing really hard because
Your laugh is contagious.
I remember being called
"Daddy's little girl" because
I'd always wanna be with you.
And I remember wanting to go to
The bar with you when you went.
Where you'd go to drink
And occasionally smoke cigarettes with friends.
I didn't understand it back then.
I have new memories of you.
I remember the times where
I was terrified to die
While you were behind the wheel.
When you accelerated faster on the highway,
I'd laugh in fear as I held in the tears
And prayed to God to get home safe.
Then you'd swerve.
Sometimes purposely for fun,
Sometimes just because you're drunk.
I remember the time
You fell backwards onto the floor
Because you were so drunk
That you couldn't even keep your balance.
You could've fallen down the stairs
Which was just in the other direction.
I could've lost you that day.
I remember the time you
Smoked weed inside a friends car outside the bar
During my confirmation party last year.
I remember those two Christmases
And those two birthdays that
You ruined for me two years in a row.
I remember the time when
You blurted out to my godfather that
I had cut and starved myself as if it were a news story.
Did you ever stop and think that
Maybe you're part of the reason why I did it?
I remember the time
You grabbed a trash bag and
Started to put all your clothes in it
While threatening to leave.
But It's like you're never there anyways
So what's the difference?
Then last night you said something to me
That tore my heart into pieces as if it were paper.
You were mad at Mom for something
That was most likely your fault.
“I'm gonna save up all my money
And to hell with her!”
Then I did the same thing as always.
Go into my room.
Close the door and lock it.
Turn up the music.
Sometimes I’d wish I was a child again
Just so I wouldn't be able to understand,
So it wouldn't hurt as bad.
You said you'd die at 40 but look, you're 41.
So maybe that's God giving you a chance to change.
But God has given you too many chances,
I have given you too many chances,
We have all given you way too many chances.
A part of me wants you to know that I wrote this
So you could maybe realise how much it hurts.
But the other part of me knows that
You'll just look away and laugh
Like it doesn't mean anything.
Just like you always do.
I'm alive in this world without you
I am here living and breathing
I've hit rock bottom again
My sweet child
I've never thought
That without you my life's incomplete
Love is just a dream
Feelings are an illusion
My sweet child I should never let you go
I cried for 90 days and night
Wishing upon my death
Living with this regret
I also promised you the first night
The pain I feel won't be the last
I believe I'm ment to suffer.
I am lost
I'm alive nor dead
I've never forgotten.
That I day I've lost so much blood.
It's been 4 years..
In 9months Ill say goodbye again
right beside your grave.
To tell you about life,
Hoping you can hear mommy voice.
I tried marriage
That's ending now..
He cheated and betrayed me.
Then life has spiraled under control
marriage was an empty vow.
This is how my life's been without you.
Filled with darkness since that day,
I said goodbye when I wasn't ready.
Dizzy from feeling
Foolish yet again the
Circle that was once large
No longer exists as I
Weigh out a few options
Either give in or pick up
The pieces to learn a lesson
Lies are only powerful
When the truth is held in
Darkness one wrong turn
And it was all over in an instant..