I cannot explain how I feel
I have never felt less real
I’m sitting, trying to write a song
but every lyric feels so wrong
where’s the album that maps my soul
or the book that reveals my whole
where’s the pin-point place of all my sins
the road of all I’ve ever been
where’s the red dot that reads “your destination”
or the brick layers of my foundation
where’s the grand fountain that showers my happiness
or is it just a figurative symbol of my well-hidden emptiness
where’s the path less traveled by
or my waking moment that is never nigh
where is the one that’s meant for me
or was I trapped too long, is my one not left for me
where are the misfit toys in this town
or are they just quiet and act not around
where are the waves that wash over and cleanse
I need a new view through my round copper lense
and where is the one that takes hold and twists
and says, wake up, look at all you have missed
where is the green scenery that never turns brown
the dark, dingy corner that’s been flipped around
where’s the piano that hums the tune to my heart
can the minor chords turn major and stay distinctly apart
when will the mask be destroyed
shattered, torn, beaten, baked, void



the only that made me feel clear,
seems shy to make himself near
prospering into a new hopeful light
I still feel a darkness despite
can he make me clear, is all I can ask
why must I be clear, I never will grasp

Billy 14h

A paradigm shift
In between time
And space aligned
A pitch, dark void

Wheeled by the stars
Powered by gravity
I felt myself
As a part of the abyss

The depths of our existence is intense
I once fell for your light
Now I linger in your dark
Painting your beauty with sorrow

The emptiness is addicting
To witness it being fulfilled
By every single thing
But your lost love

I was drunk from all the matters
High from all of your energy
There was no fear, no pain
Only the haunting memories of you, infinitely

I'm wrapped in your protective arms.
I'm safe.
Your touch lingers.
The feel of your soft skin still burns.
Your aroma drowns out any pain.
I hear your heart beat as I lay on your chest.
Slow and rhythmic.
Even though I'm not looking up at you, I can feel your smile.
A stupid, goofy grin on your face.
I'm content.
I'm happy.
I’m safe.
I’m yours.
But as my eyes flutter open to look at you.
To study and take in every curve and shadow of your face.
Your essence.
I'm alone
In a cold and empty bed.
I look around for any trace of you.
I stare at the ceiling blankly.
How can dreams feel so real?

I had everything in the palm of my hands.
The whole world.
Your world.
My world.
Our world.
But like sifting sand,
In a moment,
It was all gone.
Out of grasp.
And I was left

my empty room
a hungry womb
will slowly consume
the meal waiting patiently there

my empty nights just me
without lights
in my eyes
I turn a blind mind to thoughts….invisible

her screaming melodies
thrash mash clash
they linger far too long
in my mental echo chamber

her screaming fingers
wailing sailing flailing in the air
speak loudly in their silence

her demented ravaged mind
of tangled mangled memories
are they real?

my sorrow filled mind’s battle field
a bloody flood of memories
are they real?

her demented memories will lie
un-reconciled beneath her
grassy grave

my battle field scars
will live forever
buried, burning, inside me

about my sweet wife who has end stage Alzheimer's

I have a hole
Inside my chest
I try to fill it up.
With voice
With words
With love
With dodie tickets.

Nothing sticks.

Like glitter in the wound,
I bleed out.

So I woke up last Saturday just feeling...really nothingy. Like there was this cavity in the upper half of my rib cage, aching with absence. This was the day the wifi went down so I almost anticipated how crappy i was gonna feel by feeling crappy. Thank god it's passed but this is just something small I wrote. Part two out tomorrow!!

The candle wax is dripping on the floor. I'm fast asleep on the hardwood, a towel for a blanket, wandering the stories my mind creates.

It's so much better there, in my dreams, much more comforting and whimsical. I can create my safest place, my very own home.

I can wander all over the world for free, touch the greatest wonders and experience culture like no other. I can learn anything without paying a dime or sitting in a classroom. I can feel the warmth of the sun on my skin or the cool rain kiss my cheeks as I look to the sky. I can be anything, dare I even say ... happy.

I am trapped in a magical world and I never want to leave.

Please don't make me leave.

I don't want to wake up. I don't want to face the dark and the cold. Because when I wake, those candles will be out and my towel will be just a towel.

Here I am warm, I am free, I am strong. Here I can be anything, do anything, feel anything.

Please don't make me wake up.


- t.s.

My imagination can strip people
to the core
to the bone
to their very frame

When they smile, I
peel back the layers of happiness
and skin and pulp
until I see the hollow eye sockets
of their expressionless skull
It's not so happy anymore, but still
they smile

When they dance, I
pull down their pants on the floor
and incinerate them
until they are no longer meat
but a spine and twisting vertebrae
And joints that revolve, with hip bones
that swing

When they sing, I
strip them of all their tissue
and fat and muscle
tearing away depth to reveal their
true substance in glistening raw marrow
Unrecognizable, without their hide
or diaphragm

I can smile and dance and sing
But I am not their kin
for I am revoltingly empty
with too much flesh and no skeleton

Tsunami 4d

Maybe the way the curve of your spine fits into me is an indication
of how the earth meets the sea.
Frothing, frigid and free

Maybe the way our lips convene is an illustration
of a star being born
Colliding, rising, expanding
With every breath we whisper to each other
the wind caresses the mountains in such delicate manners

Maybe the way our eyes meet
searching for a long lost landmark
{Home at last,
or at least until tomorrow}
reveal the discovery of deeper mysteries
Cold, comforting, coalescent

Maybe the simplest brush of skin
brings earthquakes to our veins
Seeped with unspoken words
warmth and peril rolled in one

Maybe, just maybe, the first orgasm between two lovers
is the modern tsunami,
a flood of pleasure, teeming with emotions and laughter

The rain that lulls us to sleep
is the same as the water that cascades down cracks and cliffs
Racing to meet her soulmate,
Salt water
Fresh water
Two hearts beat in solidarity
Melting one into the other
Tongue on tongue
Fingertip to fingertip

Maybe the way we started is the way we end,
with nothing but empty space and deafening silence.

Mike D 4d

Perched before the mirror
My eyes open to see
The greatest of loves there in front of me
With a smile, a chuckle
A nod and a wink
I’m falling in love above my bathroom sink

My ocular captions
Are fixed in a gaze
And neither denies our lust-worthy ways
Never before
Have I seen such a marvel
It almost brings me to awe yet I recant such sparkle

For my status is equal
If not superior such
I say with full modesty
(as if I must)
The greatness exuded
On either side
Is something that I
and the other can not hide

All who know
And all who shall see
Will greet us admirably on bended knee
The consternation displayed
Is only outdone
By the illustrious gestures to this royal son

But enough of the rest
There is only you and I
“Those poor, poor people”
We say with a sigh
They will never truly know
What it is to be us
To not have to worry
To not have to fuss

An existence of supremacy
Is a difficult one
My heart would feel pity for the others
(If I had one)
Instead it’s disgust,
disdain and the like
The fuel that propels me
as I move forward with blithe

Still across from me now a reverent sight
Another near equal and one who just might
Be the only one worthy enough possibly
To stand here beside me for others to see

They think they all know
But know nothing they do
It must be their jealousy they have for I and you
They’re like chlorophyllic plants
They have so much envy
They try and they try; They try to prevent me

From being the greatness
I know I can be
If only a chance I could get
or maybe get them to see
Alas in the end it just doesn’t matter
I feel nothing for them
Or anything else for that matter

But the love for you
Is so deep can’t you see?
It’s real
I can feel it
I truly believe
You’re the one person I trust
The one person who matters
The one I will turn to when life breaks and it shatters

Sure there are pawns I move on the board
But pawns are for sacrificing or falling on swords
I am the king
You stand here with me
It’s us versus them
And trust me they’ll see

It might not be today
It might not be tomorrow
But someday soon they will join me in sorrow
I will make them all pay
For what they’ve done to me
For the pain they’ve inflicted
It’s their fault you see

No matter what I do
No matter how hard I try
They keep holding me down
No, I don’t know why
They’re all out to get me
It’s so plain to see
But one thing you’ve not seen
You’ve not seen the last of me

Take my hand lover
Come with me now
And into the world
Let’s show them all how
Their meaningless existence can benefit us
We may step on some ants
But don’t make a fuss

The hole that is empty
That is our damnation
We will superficially fill
With instant gratification
It’s a temporary fix
But it’s good enough for now
We’ll leave a path of destruction
Trust me this much I vow

Happiness, Love, sorrow and empathy
Are words that are unfamiliar to me
I don’t want others to feel it
I want them to feel like I do
Only then am I complete
Only then do I belong too

Written - August 31, 2017

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