It's hard to imagine anyone loving me
Especially
When I hate me so completely
I'm sorry
But if I have to love myself
In order
To feel love from anyone else
I might as well put myself on the shelf
Out of reach from everyone else
I'm afraid love will never win
I have to keep battlin'
To even let it be allowed in
Due to my timeline being filled with so much abandonment and rejection
Again
I'm sorry, even though my sorry means nothin'

©2024

Open up you say
Sure,
I'd love too
If even just for a little something new
A simple change of view
To keep honesty between me and you true,
I don't necessarily care for this solo walkthrough
Tired of this echoey venue
But,
Allowing someone in isn't worth another self worth issue
One can be a lonely number, but remember, so can two

©2024

Love and hate
Neither pose a challenge for fate
What even is there to debate?
Prove one is the conquer, far stronger than the other competitor
Go ahead,
I'll wait...

©2024

Wide awake counting sheep
Gotta be up to infinity
So, any day now
I'll finally get to see what my dreams might be

©2024

No minds eye
No dream of a brighter night sky
No minds eye
Trouble seeing through most any lie
No minds eye
A lack of one inside but yet I still cry
Can't go face to face or eye to eye
How friggin' broken am I?

©2024

Heart of stone
House of glass
Fault is not mine alone
Karma credit blown
It happens fast
With no receipt shown
The last to know
A forced outcast
I didn't get here on my own
A house of glass
And a single stone
...
Welcome home

©2024

I melt like ice on a hot plate
Like a candle to a flame
All I know is pain
Though it now sits as an unforgettable stain
The receptors were never meant too sustain
The onslaught like constant rain
Proving to be too much to maintain
I now feel nothing,
Teetering on the cusp of insane
Not unfamiliar terrain
I recognize fears domain
Spent a lot of time on that plane
Where a single step forward is a strain
And one look back can reattach the chain
Scars from a dangerous brain
Are the only parts of the original me that remain
If need be,
Look for my face in the wood grain

©2024

Seeds of doubt churn with streams of hurt
Leaving it's mark from brain to heart like ruts in plowed dirt
It all collects and pools, a bottomless oddity here
Who's the capture, who's the prisoner? That's never been clear
Up to the moment life boils over the razors edge
Ribbons of crimson spill quickly, careening off the ledge
You had to have known it's all hollow, must I follow?
Must I always question while you threaten the finality of every tomorrow?

©2024

A part of me is left behind every door that closes
Like Batmans alter ego I visit and leave roses
Another chunk of me is stolen by future pretend friends
Right when I step through the convenient door they told me always opens
With every new venture a strand of hope ends

©2024

I run from my inevitable next mistake
Only to find I'm the bait
I'm at stake
Everyone will debate
On why I MUST participate
Ignoring why I no longer want to partake
I wish somebody
Would have bothered to tell me
You can't possibly challenge fate

©2024

Even before
My feet hit the floor
I'm short a dollar
And a day late for what's in-store

©2024

The past haunts,
The future taunts
Leaving one to be the sorry,
Lowly, lonely,
Monkey in the middle amongst the what-nots
I'm not a fan of this short story of hollow dots and vague plots
One man's constant nightmarish thoughts
Are anothers breaking point spots

©2024

Still stuck on the fence
Forced to traverse a world that still doesn't make sense
I could embrace the ignorance
But I don't want to take that stance
So I find myself stepping on toes during this awkward slow dance
I wouldn't call it happenstance,
Not a chance
The culprit is this toxic, three-way romance
Between anger, my dark passenger and everything I can't forget to remember
Nothing to see here folks,
At least not at first glance
And that's enough to keep me in this trance

©2024

iNNER THOUGHTS BECOME INTENSe
aS THEY PICK APART IT'S OWN DEFENSe
mAKING DOOM PREDICTIONS AT IT'S OWN EXPENSe
fINDING A NEED TO RELIEVE SUSPENSe
hENCE THE ARRANGEMENT OF LETTERS INTO WORDS THAT MAKE SENSe
tHE TRANSLATION ITSELF IS A JUMBLED MESs
tHE CRANIUM FEELS FAR TOO DENSe
wHAT IS THIS NONSENSe?
lOVE AND HATE IN THE SAME CONTENTs
rUSH TO TAKE OFFENSe
cAN NEVER GET IT OUT BEFORE  THE CRACK UP AND BREAKDOWN COMMENCe

©2024

I don't care who it hurts
No ragerts

©2024

Every now and then,
I'm hit with raw, overwhelming emotions
Doesn't matter when,
Feelings brought in are habitual horse Trojans
That's just how it's been,
Recklessly driving these knee-**** reactions
And here I am, once again,
Arriving on the scene of irrational explosions
No one but me noticin',
I'm left to bleed out anytime my heart opens
Dark thoughts start creepin' in,
The next door to close might be the stage curtains

©2024

I tried to resurrect you in every thought I had
I tried to connect through words on a notepad
I have tried to let go of the sad
I tried every coping mechanism I had
...you weren't even a good dad...

©2024

I'm not scared
I'm terrified
Every step forward
Fears are verified
Every glance over the shoulder
The past gets magnified
Every breakdown in the corner
Bad strands of DNA amplified
I'm afraid if I stay on this ride
I'll be taken out with the tide
Created by the oceans I've cried
Ignored 'cause I say, "I'm good" but I lied

©2024

Is there inherent good in people?
Who's to say,
Nothing is that simple
With little to no meaningful example sample
One's left to guess what to shed and what's essential
For those not raised to be capable
Those who struggle with both an internal and external battle
Or wound up with a broken porcelain bone handle,
It's hard to shake the fragile label
And always surprising who is willing to use it as ammo
There is good, there is evil
Most linger somewhere near the middle
Remember though,
It's not that simple

©2024

From my view, while side eyeing beyond the periphery
I basically see a place that's not a place anybody would actually choose to be
But when it's the landscape of your own psyche
It's hard to see any way out of the intensity that will always accompany insanity
And no one can hear your inner voice plea for much needed mercy
Begging yourself to set yourself free
But this inescapable captivity is your eternity
But it just occurred to me,
I can't tell if this is free will or destiny...
Did I choose to fall slowly?
Maybe I decided to come undone gradually
Or did some higher power think this was best for me?
Either way's bad news for my trajectory  
Zero possibly of a redemption story
No guts
No glory
Just constantly repeating "sorry"

©2024

Dreams provide the building blocks for nightmares
Working with outsourced puppeteers,
Freelance shiit talkers
And unlicensed engineers
Incorporating in-house failures,
Stacked to the rafters,
To orchestrate such fears
A passion project with plenty of volunteers
But after 40 some years
Missteps and heartbreak are full blown careers
With daily bonus checks awarded for tears

©2024

I watch life's ultimate plan to bulldoze
Play out and target any happy settlement,
'Till all that's left are foreclosed burrows
Unwelcoming ghettoes
A real to life Gotham City narrows
Everyone knows
Shiit flows
Down stream and my life's the delta where it all goes
And it shows
As it never slows
Better days?
I'm out of those...
I don't suppose
You have one you could spare
All I have to offer
Is heartache and woes

©2024

With each and every smile the lie grows
Gotta live with this Pinocchio nose
Black out curtains dress the windows
So, I suppose,
The only parts of me I expose
Are silhouette shadows

©2024

...I mean, where do I begin?
Her toxin,
It has me locked in
Open to every sin
A reckless passion
Electrifying the skin
She reminds me softly through a coy grin
That there's no rules but she likes the discipline
So I jumped in
Just for it to be a solo swim
Don't trust a whim

©2024

A well lit path is not part of my journey
Mine's through a dark ally
The thoughts that emerge from the shadows come in a hurry
A savage flurry of the eire
Physically consumed with how badly this could turn out for me

©2024

Who knows
How many more of those
Devastating blows
From life's twisted episodes
I can take
Before I get exposed
And everybody knows
This smile's a fake,
Adorned like over warn costumes on Broadway shows

©2024

Life's biggest illusion is the freedom we're shown
Cause there's only so far you are able to roam
It never occurred to me that it was strange to be in this place alone
At first,
While trying to escape I wore my finger tips to the bone
But now,
I've got it so bad that I call this catacomb home
No land line phone,
No WiFi hotspot zone
Cut off from the outside inside this prison of skull and bone

©2024

It truly is a shame
It's a shame that this evil never left after it came
The residual, dry back shot residue leaves a stain
After every time I'm sccrewed and they remain
Those ones don't rinse off in the rain
The rain that came all the same
Leading me to aim my point at and then claim
That I'll never see life the same

©2024

Docile and tame,
A king slain by his own sword
Self inflicted pain
My shelf life would be considered inhumane
A body originally set to be a temple
Is now unlivable domain

©2024

I hang a mangled backdrop
A set prop
To keep from view
That I got
Behind the scenes rot
And there's a lot

©2024

Any second now,
I could come face to face with an enemy
Sent by a deity
With the soul purpose to immediately
End this agony
But I can guarantee
I'm not that lucky

©2024

I sit in this empty room
But I'm not the only one in here
I went and let my demons out
They produce then they feed on my fear
Been here many times before,
More times than I can ignore
I won't shed another wasteful tear
What good's all this crying for?
Both my tear ducts are sore
And it's the same year after year after year

©2024

I'm failing
And I'm doing it at twice the speed than I'm falling
It's daunting,
Can't shake this loser feeling
Always ******* in dealing
With a mind that reeling,
Emotions that are spiking,
A heart that's spilling,
A soul depleting
And thoughts sent spinning
It's not even something I'm hearing
At least not outside of this in house courtroom hearing
That's taking place every morning,
Going deep into the evening
No,
There's no co conspiring,
No colluding
Or hitman hiring
It's self inflicted self destruction,
Without instruction
And while it's death defying
It's still an emotional beating
To the point I begin wondering
Am I still a living,
Breathing,
Human being
Type thing?
A strange bit of questioning

©2024

Like house siding I stack the facade till a barrier grows
It adds curb appeal and social value I suppose
But for me it's a false face to hide the lows
Getting me through this reality that blows
A life time of running into doors with a sign reading "sorry we're closed"
Hanging next to the mandatory posted notice of demolition proposed

©2024

If there is no one to blame,
To frame,
To claim
Did this to me
Then the arcane,
Link chain,
Rusty from the rain
But still holding me
Should be easy to explain
But it can't be

©2024

I hate me
You hate me
I hate the fact
That's the only
Place where we
Can find honesty

©2024

You can not break
What's already been broken
You can not recall
What's never been spoken
You can not run
When the spirits been stolen
Is there no hope left
To put any hope in?

©2024

Can't dislodge the shiit clot caught in my brain stem
On a marry go round of hell hounds, can't outrun them
I find it strange that a life can be all pain with no gain
I find it strange that nothing remains other than battle wounds and blood stains
The coward in me always wins with it's upper hand
My grand plan is to get my head deeper in the sand
The conversations from both sides of my mouth become simultaneous
Keeping this unstable, rival mindset at bay is strenuous, it's made me venomous

©2024

A minnow that's forgotten it's in water
A buzzard who's forgotten it's wings
A primate with no hands and feet
A star with no mass

©2024

Little Light Leaches past Lock tight Lids
Lampshades Laid over Living Lenses
Like pulled tight Laces Looped as Lattices
Letting Lingering Lies Loom
Late nights illuminated by Lunar Lampposts
Lighting a Landslide of Lopsided Lemons
Like those Littering Liberated Lands
Lacking any Lucid desire to Leave
Loose Lip type Lexicon Literates the Last Link Left
Leading to Literal Lemmings
A Legion of Like-minded Livestock
Leads to a Leap before you Look Livelihood
Lambasted but Lucrative
Due to Lavish Liberties that Life's were Laid down for
Lacerating all Links to Larger than Life Leaders
Becoming a Ludacris Laughingstock
Just Lowly Lackeys that got Lucky
Lambs in a Lions clothing Line
Ladened with Laminated Limitations
Rooting through and Looting the Leftovers
Lacking any Long-term Learned Lessons

©2024

Believe me you
I'm tired of hearing me too
I'm ready for this era to be through
It's sad to see in both you and me that the same resentment aimed in the same direction grew

©2024

I had it yelled at me once, "you don't even know what love is!"
At first the accusation put me on the defensive
But the examples to me of laugh, love, live
Has always been top tier corrosive, a wildly destructive narrative

©2024

Sometimes I think it would be easier
To just give in and be the monster
The one they claim I already am
Just go ahead and put wolves clothing on a lamb
Then that way they can say "I told you so"
And I will play it off like, "I know, I know"

©2024

I want to be anything but me
Not always obviously
But often definitely
Specifically when that pesky negativity
Has a death grip on my personality
And brings out the ugly

©2024

My past haunts tirelessly
There's a lot of it at 40
Also less time for recovery
I wish it was "get some therapy"
Type of easy
I wish they'd stop blaming me

©2024

An abusive psyche
No might be
Cradle to the grave most likely
The lengthy reminder's set for nightly
However not by me
I have no say apparently

©2024

I don't dare to look in the driver's side mirror
Objective issues seen seem closer than they appear
The warnings always been there
In black print on the bottom from corner to corner
Trust me, I've spent most of my forever
Glued to the rearview mirror
I wouldn't say one over the other is safer
Both lead to the inability too steer
Leaving the inevitable outcome to each pretty clear

©2024

"You've drank too much,
You should shut the fucck up"
That's the first time I've been right tonight
I should shut the fuuck up...

©2024

I don't feel at home
In my own skin
I run from ghosts
I do not believe in
To live and love
Has not been win win
I'll have to hang upside down
The next time you ask me to grin

©2024

One foot in front of the other
A played out endeavor
That has only ever
Led to the next far greater
Chapter on disaster
The fact of the matter
Is it's getting harder and harder
To change the visual status quo behavior
With eye glue on the rearview mirror
Then a thought takes over
One I've never had before
Maybe it'd be a little easier
As a simple passenger
How exactly? Well that I'm not sure

©2024