I love you.
I truly do.
For all I've put you through and made you ask "Do you even love me? Do you??"
I'm sorry.
I love you so much.
So much to the point where I'd rather not tell you how I feel because I know that it would break you.
I can't show you the things that I go through.
The demons I face.
The never ending race.
The situations that make my heart beat race.
Because I truly love you.

I don’t get my mind.

Sometimes I hate myself.
Sometimes I want to hate myself.
Sometimes, I just don’t get it.

I sit still—
And yet, am I still?

I shake uncontrollably,
internally.

Do I feel safe
in this skin,
in this mind that hurts?

When silence is a reward,
Is life the punishment?

Spending time with people
you care for them,
you love the time,
you cherish,
you live,
you exist
and yet,

I still need the silence.

But what happens
When silence starts to feel unsafe?
When sitting still and movement
both become burdens?

Tied to a screen,
To a mirror,
To an expectation
Of how life will go—
Because if it doesn’t...

Then am I just existing to take up space someone else should’ve had?

Maybe my pain lets someone else
Be happy,

Just for a moment.

If I go,
I want all to know—
Maybe it will work out for the better.

Maybe silence,
Sitting still,
Alone.

Maybe that is all I need

I hear both your words and the unspoken thoughts behind them.
I hear the whispers of judgment that fall between the cracks in the floor and are felt from the other end of the telephone.
While I don't need your acceptance, it's still hard to accept that, as your daughter, you still don't see me.
What you focus on is what I lack in your eyes, and all that needs to be "fixed."
I am so much more than my shortcomings, and I deserve love and respect, even as an imperfect being.
I realize that now.
Yet, after all these years, your judgment still stings, and my heart continues to ache with the pain it brings.
So, I love you from a distance, so that I can safeguard my heart, so that I can remain whole.
I refuse to dwell among those who seek to undermine me.
I have won too many wars to fight another battle with myself.

-Rhia Clay

the 7 led me back to my God Given throne
where I didn't have to hide from the evilness of the world.

mother couldn't love me the way i deeply craved
life was so mean to me, i almost lost my wonder...
until the 7 led me back to my power.

i started at the root, where my sense of self had been forgotten.
they mirrored back to me all parts within me the darkness wouldn't let me see.
i found pleasure in doing the small things moment to moment,
my purpose now was to bring unconditional love into these parts alive in me i was now discovering.
all these mirrored parts in these 7 individuals
the happy part,
the grumpy part,
the escapist,
the hiding one,
the most sensitive one,
my higher self and
my inner child.

bringing all these parts within me together into my wholeness was a great threat to the evilness
because once I knew of the combined power of my fragmented parts, evilness could never keep a hold of me.

unbeknownst to me a spiritual attack sent me back into the darkness.
I was waking up too fast into my power, so they put me back to ignorant sleep;
dead to these parts i was
unaware, numb, disconnected
until I found my way back outside in
kissed back to life by an angel...another me.

I got resuscitated back into enlightenment,
reincarnated into the same body after my ego death.

the old story is gone, now, I have space to create more magic.
I am now living lovingly, simultaneously with all these 7 parts of me, but this time happily ever after!

The small warfield of myriad battles
few were triumphant, a lot were fatal
burdened with despair, fidgeted and unrest
once there dreams were sought to nest

home for love, passion and reform
gloomy it turned, after the storm
beating up being weary and worn
bear the freight of promises torn

one half of mine through thick and thin
confidant of every defeat and win
the secrets that it kept within
throbbing inside like spiny whin

reconvening the shreds of heart
razed by one and was torn apart
still it is ready to be my friend
pledged to never leave me in end

I’m losing myself every day.
I’m tired of fighting these battles.
I want to be fought for for once.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone
Is glad to have me in their life.
What’s so wrong with me?

Up in the sky,
So high does my head fly
Knowing no bound
In your eyes my heart is found.

I lose myself finding you.
An extinguished flame ignites anew.
Obscurity leaves, serenity sheathes
Hard as grinding teeth.

A sense of calm .
My soul sings a psalm.
Eternity awaits, chaos aside,
Yet my heart does not abide.

To sense.
To the distance.
I crave your embrace.
A recoil from grace.