What people see on the outside,
Is not a reflection of internal existence
Nor is it an understanding of personal grief,
It is instead a reflection of pestering insistence.

The lies that escaped and drenched you in sincerity,
The shroud of happiness, perfectionism and
Optimism. It was tied so tight, I could scarcely function.
It tricked you into a false sense of security.

It was only when activity increased and diets grew,
The feelings of inadequacy and insecurity got harder to dampen,
It was when the outline of bones would protrude through
My skin.
That’s when the nightmare really started to happen.

But by then it was too late, the damage was done.
My mind had already destroyed my ability to function
Like a normal human being.
The only way to describe it, is to say it feels freeing.

The weight dropped off; the sizes grew smaller.
Along shrunk my appetite, yet the mirror grew hungrier.
One wasn’t enough, two wasn’t either.
Three, four and five past, none satisfying enough to
Quench the hunger that burnt and just grew angrier.

To be thin is my dream, my biggest aspiration.
My goals of careers, family and success do not matter anymore.
To become overcome by it was not my intention, it seems to sneak
Up on you from the deepest corners of your mind. It takes over you,
Like a violent infection.

What I ask of you really isn’t much. I ask you to listen, to try
And understand.
I know it’s hard, but instead of pressuring me into therapy,
Maybe just sit down and listen to me
And what I have to say.

It is demons I battle daily, tearing around in my mind.
The pain is colossal, yet no one seems to notice
From the outside.
I feel desperately alone, and I’m terribly scared.
Yet no one seems to come to me, and show me I am cared
For.

They are ******* it- "Them", the lifeless forms
Right out of me - every sliver of contentment;
I feel it leaving me : soul departing a body
Leaving me- the shell of my being.

From my bedroom, I see the slice of life
Pretty blue skies, birds and evergreen trees.
I see  my dusted friends by the bed
As "They" perfuse me with their darkness.

My four white walls bear silent witnesses,
But my angel- she stands guard patiently-
Patiently waits as I drown myself in the noises;
Hoping to drive away the dark with the loud raps.

But then "They" last only for so long;
As the goings get tough, I repeat that over-n-over --
Looking for the exit route. I just need to last
Until "They" tire out for today.
For then, that would be my win for the day.

My Lord Son Of the Almighty Creator God the Father, I ask with sincere and repentant soul to move on with a drastic  change to be done in my Lifestyle and what I personally struggle with every day the sins I have committed and the damage I done to others by my insolence and ignorant heart by me judging others at times, lying, cursing, forgetting to be grateful, not practicing what I preach, violent, sinning against my body, avoiding prayer, knowing the Word the Truth and NOT being obedient trading my happiness and relationship with God by instead indulging in the pleasures of the flesh...I come Glorious Lord Jesus who sit in the Everlasting Throne Of Pureness, Justice, Honor and Perfection by the right Hand Of the Almighty Father the Creator Of all and all that has ever been will and forever be known or unknown Physical, Spirit or Eternal. I call in distress and with much fear and trembling because I know I must detach myself from my sinful ways, stop giving in to do the same things I have allowed to accommodate and justify knowing that am being convicted by the Holy Spirit to NOT do I still give in and disregard it and commit yet over and over again... as if I use God's  name his word and share with others that I am spiritually awake, aware, and I profess to them such an elaborate unique and masterfully crafted deception but yet has Truth mixed with lies what I have lived and truly have experienced in a physical or mental and even spiritual way and what I have changed and imagined or somehow fabricated to fit and be more interesting or mind blowing to sound supernatural and ethereal to them involving a slight manipulation of reality blending my overactive imagination with reality nevertheless even I being deceived by my own self of  what my relationship with the Holy Spirit is like how I relate it to others and how it truly is in their eyes how it's in my eyes and how God sees it and how he wants me to be. My Beloved Lord Jesus My Reedemer my King and The Only Perfect Man, The Word made in Flesh, Son Of God, Lamb Of God, The Way, The Truth the Life, Prince Of Peace, Lord Of Lord's,  King Of Kings Who became the Lowliest Servant, Perfect in all ways, Holy and Righteous, God's  only begotten Son who came to absolve all Mankinds Sin by taking the sin of all Man, Woman and Child of Today, Yesterday and Since The beginning of the World...I am humbly requesting Help me truly Live more for you, devote my Time more in your Word, Persue the things NOT of this World the things that which you want me to persue and live for create a way for me to have a more disciplined, holy, seek first you in all matters, resorting to prayer more, taking walks while thanking you for your love, mercy, forgiveness, faithfulness, pure, perfect, miraculous, righteous, everlasting grace and immortal truth that will forevermore from now till infinity be always a word that is the only way, the only truth and will remain in humanity collective soul and heart and immortal spirit indefinitely...for this World and this Heaven shall pass but there will be a New Heaven and a New Earth that will be Paradise Once Again for he has promised that the ones faithful to him the ones written in the Book Of Life the ones who choose to live profess and fear the name of the Lord and tell others show them the scriptures and love God first put him first and constantly feed their Spirit and starve their flesh ...repent as often as possible, love others like thyself, choose daily to purge themselves of the carnal pleasures of the flesh, believe without NO DOUBT that Jesus Is The Son Of God,  Came to Live, Choose To Die On The Cross for All Our Sin from the time when it got introduced to the World thru the Ancient Serpent "The Devil" till the time when Jesus Christ comes back and everyone who was is and is to come live, choose what they decide to follow, The Lord Or The World and finally die and be sent to Sheol till The Great White Judgement Day when it arrives and every deed of every person from every nation from Male to Female from Jew to Gentile will be there present in the presence of God, Jesus & The Holy Spirit and all his Heavenly Host will stand to face the Judge Of Every Soul from the first created to the last one to be created to live and pass on to the afterlife God Almighty will separate the righteous from the wicked will show you from your first offense "sin" committed by YOU to the very last ONE it is committed by the same person it is either washed by the blood of Jesus by living for him praying to him reading his word, putting it into practice, listening to the still, serene, peaceful, gentle and holy word from the Holy Spirit allowing it to slowly change you transform you and open up a channel from Us and Christ developing a relationship with Him because only they him we are redeemed, glorified and saved from the grips of Hell itself..."For Whosoever Calls In The Name Of The Lord Shall Be Saved" this requires Faith and Denying the World, Our Fleshly Desires, Doing Good always, Recognizing your sin and asking for forgiveness with intention to change by asking for strength and courage in times of trial and tribulation, trusting God and learning on him for council NOT your own understanding for we are weak, sinful and choose pleasure and comfort and ease succumbing to our Fleshly Desires to gratify what is here today but die tomorrow many times we do evil in the eyes of God knowing that it is wrong but we do it anyway to instantly gratify our minds, bodies and souls with a temporary pleasure at that moment in time and over time becomes a habit that grows with repetition feeding the flesh but hurting the spirit.  Lastly I want to give it to God in this prayer to aid me change the sinful things I struggle with daily, please grant me your mercy when I fall short in serving you, when I sin against others, myself and you I know you have NOT given up on me Lord therefore I NEVER wanna give up on you Lord. Thank you for guarding my Family, Friends and Aquaintances. I give you thanks for your love, mercy, forgiveness, grace, peace, faithfulness and holiness. Teach me how to pray for others more, to proclaim blessings and healing for them and their lives, help me fix my eyes more on Jesus, help me walk with integrity and truth, help me understand the bible the way you want me to and not just read it but put it into practice little by little incorporating it into my Life and Lord heal my relationship with my Family. Allow me to grow daily spiritually in truth and please I beg you to allow me to get closer to you. Heal me Lord in Mind, Soul and Spirit and please forgive your servant for my failures past, present and future. Thank You...in Jesus Name...Amen!

I've wanted to fly way up in the sky
Through the white clouds
I've spent my time to cry
My mind creates crowds
Little devils speaking
Let me fly away from the shrieking
Legs dangling off the edge over water
Oh, I might just try
Say "goodbye my sister"
Say "goodbye my daughter"
I want to fly way up into the clouds
Oh, I might just try

You stand victorious, the crowd cheers your name.

The sound, like a wave upon the shore.

You walk, the broken lying around you like fallen branches.

Flashes of the battle that just ensued.

You were surprised it lasted as long as it did.

But as the dust settles you think to yourself "How the hell did I survive..... again?"

Pulled in a million directions,
No one listened to my objections,
Each separated and self-perpetuated
With no overlap, it left me entrapped.