In the fridge
There sits the bottle of Joy
Every Thursday She becomes my friend
Every Friday Her and I fight

In the drawer
There sits the bottle of Pain
I try to keep it away
But every Saturday
I find it open

In the bin
There sits the bottle of Regret
With its deafening yells
Every Sunday morning

Three Drinks and I are friends
And then we fight
And then we make up again.

If not this week,
Then this year.
If not this year,
Then next year.
              
This year.
                  Next year.
Some year.
                  Not never.

What is time? Space?
Will it matter?

I hate to admit
That dissociation
Is a friend of mine.

Putting myself on autopilot,
Just so I can survive.

Separating from reality,
Because simply living
Is all I’ve got this time.

I wish you could
See me in the state
That I’m in now

Broken, bruised,
So critical.

It’s absolutely pitiful.

I’m tired of feeling low,
But I keep dragging myself
Down,

Sinking and
Caught in the undertow.

Someone wake
Me from this
Mental charade

Because I’m tired
Of all the games,
And the iron bars that
Keep holding me down.

It’s hard to thrive,
When I can’t figure
Out how to figure
Myself out.

Happy anniversary,
Trauma, guilt and
Doubt.

The past is very
Critical and I
Just want out.

I keep waiting
For an answer, but

I know I’m the only
One who lets myself
Down one more time.

I hate to admit
That dissociation
Is a friend of mine.

And I’m sorry,
If I disconnect
Sometimes.

Please don’t give
Up on me now

I just need someone
To make me feel alive
One last time.

I lost myself in passion,
And traded virtue for lust.
Kissing two strangers,
Then dissolving to dust.

I cried in my mother's arms,
As I questioned my life.
How I traded innocence for guilt,
How I traded joy for strife.

The kiss of a stranger,
Is an empty thing.
Whereas the kiss of a lover,
Can make one's heart sing.

We all make mistakes,
That's what mother said.
But I despise the things I do,
I'd be better off dead.

When will this tumult end,
When will I be free?
When will I be loved,
When will I discover "me"?

I am so cold and so empty,
And without any light.
And without a shred,
I've lost my fight.

Weary is the wanderer who travels with no true destination,
Hesitant is the past he's abandoned home,
Unconscious is his pursuit with no avail,
Forgotten is her memory as he treads sporadically; endless turmoil.

I'm screaming
Screaming
Screaming
Screaming

No one hears me
Hears the echos
Sounds that bounce through my hollow core

The emptiness
Suffocating
Overwhelming
Exhausting

Can't breath
Can't think

Don't want to live
Don't want to die

To exist
To not exist

To be
To not be

Screaming
Yelling
Crying
Begging

Mercy
Mercy
Mercy

Have mercy on me

Hear me
Help me
Free me

I have since learned how to temper the storm that is me.
On the outside at least.
Inside however the wind still rages.
The waves still beat with an unforgiving furry.
I have not known stillness in quite some time.
With stillness, peace has also been a stranger.
Every day I fear that the storm I have caged will break free and show the world it’s wrath.

I’m wrapped in a netherworld
between fear and urgent turmoil
a shady region of late twilight
on the edge of dreadful night
what to do with the light.

Like the nightingale whose song
brings pausing, sadness, and hope,
blinking in a landscape of plains and *****
sadness of a creative life’s ending
a blending of sand and the hand of God.

My gut clinched in a tempest
rowing unknowing for shining sky.

I smile the most
When I want to
Cry

I laugh the most
When I want to
Die

I sit here
And I act playful
As we text

But deep down inside
My heart
And my hope
Have failed
And I lay here
Stuck in my head
Unable to leave this bed

I miss having more people
To hold me close
And cuddle
For now everyone
Makes it ******

I miss holding hands
With people
And going on adventures
But now everyone
Assumes that means
I want them

I do want love
And I do want someone to hold
But just because I cuddled you
Or held your hand
Or was goofy with you
It doesn't mean
You're the one I choose

A cuddle
Shouldn't turn
Into a ****

Holding a hand
Shouldn't turn
Into love

So why is that
What I always
Run into?

Don't imagine what it's like to be with me
Because I'm not an easy person to be with
I will tell you I won't cheat
But you will think I am lieing
I will not make you feel secure
Because when you ask me about my day
Or why I dropped off the face of the earth for hours on end
I will tell you I don't remember
And I'm only partially lieing
because I don't want to tell you that my mind was in the clouds and the characters in my head i find more important than you
But don't take this personally because I don't find many in reality more important than the people I dream up
So while you assume I'm cheating I'm digging craters in my bedroom floor pacing around my room talking to myself
But I'll tell you I don't remember
Because that's so much easier than explaining the turmoil going on in my brain