Heart still unhealed
But what I hide
Eating from inside
Life seems useless
Mind has frost
Enough paid the cost
Want to release
Sleep at ease
I am ~ anchored
to the shackles of blatant
that holds ~ me
as the deep shores
offer me sanctuary
I resist but drift along
to the high tides
drowning in the mist
still, I am ~ anchored ---
to the shackles of blatant
that holds ~ me ...
I went back
But, my mind wandered
Off to seek a haven
Where this pieces would fit
Those were the only days
Where I was a statue
And not a godforsaken flesh
In a straitjacket
Are the place where you go
As a storm coming in
Heading your way
Wreaking you over,
Bashing your reality,
Being an acid in your little lemon life,
They are the white limbo
You heart wants to go
Are not they?
I am at the place
Where I gauge the years to empty
Where it is dark
Where it is white
Where no roses grow
Where no crows caw
Where my heart vacant,
(Turning the page)
(I turn the page)
What is home?
You lost your right to be my father the moment you decided to sexually abuse me.
You don't even know the turmoil you have stirred up in my soul.
Do you sleep at night?
Because I don't, I lay awake in my confusion.
Wishing my reality was different.
You don't know what it's like to live with this.
If my own father couldn't love me, who will?
You took so fucking much from me.
You stole my innocence.
You made me feel tainted.
You made me fear trusting anyone.
Such deep rooted betrayal.
I finally understand I'm not the screwed up one.
I hope you get the help & support you need.
But right now I don't want you in my life.
I don't owe you anything.
You owe me a whole heck of a lot.
Starting out with an apology.
You weren't the father you should of been.
So you don't deserve the wonderful daughter I could be to you.
You know what I want?
I want your fucking lingering sensations gone from my body.
I want you out of my head.
I want you out of my nightmares.
I want you out of my heart, soul & mind.
You are like a pollution that keeps suffocating me.
I'm going to cleanse my soul from your toxins.
Your violence is inexcusable.
But my love over powers your violence.
Love is the answer.
I am loved.
I am worthy.
I am enough.
I will keep shining light on this darkness.
The man behind the window,
Watches the religious preachers pass,
"Oh no, not again..." he worries,
"Now what will they ask?"
He hides as if they do not know,
He ignores the world outside,
He stays silent and distant,
No, he isn't home, he denies.
The sound of his door-bell can be heard throughout his whole house,
This time it's louder than usual, like a cat yeowl to a mouse.
He stays put for one moment, then two, then three,
What he least expected was a knock now,
"Oh, please just let me be".
He was a good man, but his mind was his own,
But damned would he be, to ignore another mans right to a speech.
Religious or solicitor, neighbor, family or friend,
He just couldn't help it, a voice was a voice to appreciate in the end.
Carefully he opened, the great, white door,
And there stood a couple, with a smile so genuine, not fake for sure.
"Hello! We are preachers of God's great word,
Would you care to listen please, Sir?"
Minutes was passed and the man listened closely,
He wasn't much of a religious follower,
He didn't understand what those words or verses mean.
Still he listened, to much of his own surprise,
He felt a sense of happiness, and no, he didn't have to lie.
He lived in great misery, alone, angry and afraid of the world,
He had grown irritable and distrusting,
His mind a constant bustling.
But to have a company, despite what he had been told,
Such religous faces, were not evil or cold.
They made him feel comforted, and to his surprise a sense of hope,
For a moment he felt his hands hold on tighter, to the end of his own rope.
When finally they finished they spoke softly,
"Sir would you be intersted, in perhaps a bible study?"
For a moment he considered it, but suddnely his thoughts came back,
They came upon him so quickly, like a startled heart-attack.
"You will have to excuse me, I must be going now..."
With that he closed the door, without another sound.
The couple confused, only turned silently and left,
While the man had slumped down against the door, a sad, tragic mess.
For you see he had felt hope, happiness, and a sense of great peace,
Whether that was from two people alone or spirtuality.
But somewhere inside him, the voices screamed out loud:
"You don't deserve God or anyone..."
He was hurt and blinded in a dark black cloud.
He sat and sobbed, for he felt it was unsafe to take anything or care,
"Who am I to anything in this world?
I don't deserve anything, not even God should want me here.
I am not worth that salvation, or a knock from anyone,
Not even Christ himself should love me or my "blood".
I have no family, friends or job of any kind,
Please, just let me be preached by the only church that is my mind."
I am true to my word
Except when it comes to us
I mean when I say
Yes and no mean the same.
I need you to leave
Go ape once I put it to ink
Thinking I will never kiss those lips
See that smile of his.
I am weak
Because you make me strong
I push you away
Because all this is wrong.
It is for the best
I feel worse once said
Back and forth
My words lose their worth
I promise I do not love you
I don't, I don't.
The struggles of the day
will give you strength to face the morrow
Give yourself the credit of bearing the
as well as all the sorrow
These flames licked up the best of me,
Turmoil excluded me from happiness,
Heat melted my candle wax of a heart.
I say candle wax because steel can be penetrated and stitches rot.
Candle wax was never supposed to burn without the wick but here we are.
Here I am.
That campfire of an unworldly place made me scared to proceed in life as well as to love.
Should I be afraid?
I don't know.
Can I trust this world and what it has to offer?
I don't know what it hides.
I'm trusting you,
I'm trusting your world,
I'm trusting in your faith.
Love me unconditionally please,
Building my heart once again out of the soft candle wax to hopefully have your hands mend it into something more primitive,
I trust you.