"It's over, I cant do this anymore. It's better for the both of us."
I heard those words and I feel my body being crushed and shattered by the tires of a bus.
I know you couldn't see it, but I visioned the world being hit by a meteor.
My world, to be exact, and I begin to transform into delicate paper, and you, a sharp scissor.
And we all know that scissors beat paper. I just didn't think it would be this soon.
Because in my eyes, I was the atrocious sun, and you were the beautiful moon.
A tragedy, I must say.
I mean, I guess no one really expects this type of love to go away.
I mean, hell, even I didn't want to believe it.
Because you began to cry and I had to offer you my solace and comfort.
I had to choke back my razor sharp tears.
And protect you from all of your fears.
Just like I always have tried to love you for your heart.
But it only seemed that my love wasn't your preference of art.
To this day, I regret comforting and letting you cry as I sit on my bed staring at my laptop screen trying to calm you down.
And you were so selfish to not see that I kept you afloat while I started to drown.
And I just want to say that I fucking hate you but I still love you so god damn much.
And I want you to feel pain but I also want to love you again, but just enough.
I had hoped you would give me a second chance.
But oh, with those sweet, hope filled words, you had me in a trance.
Until I realized that it wasn't going to happen, oh not at all.
And my friends became a razor and the edge of a building, 40 stories tall.
When did my love notes turn into suicide notes?
When did my perfume become an ocean of sunken boats?
And, oh, how long did you keep this love facade on me?
One, two months, maybe even three?
What was it that had made you leave instead of stay?
Because you said it were the fights that made you go away.
But honestly, I think that's bullshit, because if you were so mature like you claimed to be,
You would have sat me down and talked it out, but instead you closed the door behind you and locked it with a key.
And oh fuck no, don't you dare tell me that I shouldn't have gotten so attached.
Because you encouraged our plans for our future together to leave our horrible past.
You told me you loved me and swooned me with such diction.
But then again, you led me on for a couple of months, so how can I know that wasn't fiction?
I just don't know what to think of that night.
It was a signed waiver for my death, timed just right.
I'm just kidding, hun. You only added onto my stress of tests and the end of school.
And you sure did your job at making me your fool.
And today, I still cant breathe when I think about you creating future plans with someone else.
As I stand here fumbling the ceiling so that I can hang this death providing belt.
I hope you got what you wanted, the happiness of being alone.
But I hope you know, when you come back home, I'll be dead on the floor, a person whose heart you once owned.
Just like it's always been for people like me.
But I know you can't see all of this because your tears made your vision blurry.
But I fucking hope you see that you completely shattered and broke me and I had to be fucking strong because I had hoped if I did I can prove to you that this can all be fixed,
Now I'm trying to to go about this alone and refrain from getting my emotions and sicknesses mixed.
I hope you feel happy that you killed the person who loved you so dearly...
And even through all this mess, still I will be dumb enough to take you back into my arms if you ever wanted to, but that's just my theory.
And I reminisce our memories and your gifts and force them into a box.
But I much rather be in one 6 feet down the earth, because I'll only perceive myself as an orthodox.
A contradictory, a mess, someone who can be replaced.
As I stand my ground and move on from you at such a slow pace.
It's coming fast
And it's coming strong
Don't look back
Because before too long
The future will be here
I cannot change the speed of time
What would be the use?
Would I stop death?
Or fight off crime?
Soon enough it all will end
The future will be here
And take you my dear
I do not want this
But I cannot change
The future within us
It is set in its ways
I will not fight this
because I am weak
It hurts me to confess
And accept defeat..
My love for you may last my lifetime
but for the future it is only a matter of time
It will consume my thoughts
And leave them to die
Because it is so cold
From the future I will hide
I shouldn't be...sorry
I couldn't be...sorry
I can't be...sorry
I won't be...sorry
Why should I be...sorry?
How could I be...sorry?
Why can't I be...sorry?
I should be proud of the smile I wear, right?
You are too hard on yourself for your past. You need to look at what you have now and your future.
I may have not had the best child hood but you are doing your best to make up for "lost" time.
I apologize for watching as my father beat you, and not calling the cops. I'm sorry that all I did is run away, hide in the room, and cry. I remember countless times of him hitting you, pushing you around, and calling you every name except for the one he should be calling you by.
I remember him slamming your legs in the door. I remember you hiding bruises and making up excuses for him. You where bound by drugs and "love" that you couldn't wrap your head around to walk away.
I watched countless times as you tried to walk away, but walking away is not that simple. Every time he seemed to find his way back. I remember as we begged you to leave him time and time again.
I now realize that he degraded you so much that you felt worthless that you felt you had fallen down to his level. That he was the only person you felt that could love and support you the way you were.
After years of him destroying your self esteem I know how hard it was for you. When you finally left him. I was gone to Florida, and when I got back I was told what happen. I remember a elephant being lifted off my shoulders, I could once again breathe. Hoping that this time was for good.
That year we bounced around from place to place more times than I can remember, once living in a camper. I didn't care where we stayed; I knew it was better than what we have been in. You struggled to keep me a place to sleep you cared for me and loved me.
On my 15th birthday you were checked into rehab for the last time. You struggled to stay in there your whole time even with every one there supporting you. I remember coming to visit you and your personal changing. You where happier, you where learning to respect yourself, and trying to love yourself again.
I know that when you got clean you felt as if I was pushing you away but I was not meaning to. I was trying to adjust, I am still adjusting. This was all new for me. I apologize for not being able to adjust quicker, to forgive faster, and love stronger. You are my mother I will always love you. If it wasn't for you I would not be where I'm at today. Thank you, mommy.
I could not be more proud of who you are today. I want you to forgive yourself from your past. I want you to love yourself like you never have before. You are strong and you can do anything you put your mind to. You have went through some of the worst things on this earth, and survived.
The only thing I want to happen for you now is to get baptized at your church.
In a dream I felt nostalgia
And it brought me to my knees
It wouldn't let me breathe
My cold, dead, teary eyes
When I awoke it hit me hard
Cause the pain did not subside
The vice stuck on my heart
Sinking me deeper in the dark
So my dear Nostalgia
Please just leave me be
I know I'm getting older
And the past I can't relive
So my dear Nostalgia
Please give me back my wings
I am sick of falling
And struggling to sleep
Please just let go of me
Can't you see I'm suffocating?
Have you no compassion?
Broken by your kiss
Nostalgia I'm running out of words to say
I've been fighting far too long
I'm tired and weary
Decimated by your fury
So my dear Nostalgia
Hear me as I cry
Grant me one last wish
Stay the hell away from me
I want less hollow nights
And a loneliness that dissipates
I want the moon to shine from my chest
A glow that pulses with the rhythm of my heartbeat and accentuates the craters from every asteroid that's hit the surface.
I want stars in my eyes when I look at you.
I want love in my moon heart when I hug you ... hold you.
I want time to be blissful and inaccurate. A mess of seconds, minutes and hours sped up and slowed down no longer indicating or defining any one experience.
And in the mess, I want to ponder that loss of structure with you.
I want to feel whole and complete
In my brain and body
I want hope and unconditional respect for my genderless siblings and their conflicts.
I want patience for my own weaknesses
And forgiveness for my failures.
I want the strength to wake up
The courage to feed myself
And the confidence to keep moving
Time ticks forward and backward, up and down.
I want calmness and leniency for my emotional process
Gentle touch from my friends and lovers
I want healing and self-love.
I want to sleep next to you
To learn to trust
To connect frayed threads from split ends of past wounds
Reconnecting emotions that only spark and never light
A gas stove that poisons the air awaiting ignition.
I've spent my spoons on people who have only learned to take.
I want to never forget how to give
Even to those who don't deserve it.
I want to forgive those who have hurt me and rejected me.
And I want to forgive myself for those I have hurt and rejected.
I want to find closure for pain that numbly aches in my cratered moon heart.
I want to make plans for the future
With hope in my mouth
As words tumble out
I want to see the sun rise and set in all its cliched glory.
I want to feel satisfied by simplicity
And welcome difficulty with determination emanating from my pores.
I want to be humbled by all the things I will never know and accepting of never knowing.
I want to sit with my sadness and console it with thoughtful kindness. I want to find the energy to walk through the fires of depression with strength and understanding.
I want to believe in my worth and that I am worthy.
I am worthy.
I want to surround myself with those who make me feel wanted and cared for.
Loved and understood.
I want to help others feel their worth and have patience with their process of understanding their own worth.
I want to be present for those I love.
And make sacrifices to maintain my own self-care.
I want to look at my craters
Truly see them
Even the deepest darkest ones
Accepting and acknowledging their presence and recognizing the change they have created in me, positively or negatively.
I want to breathe life into the air
And stay alive for another thirty years and another thirty after that.
I want to see the value in my life.
I want to live openly and thoughtfully.
Holding myself as well as others
Softly guiding ones who are lost through their sorrows
And accepting that some do not desire guidance nor are they in place to accept it.
I want to permeate positivity.
And not underestimate negativity.
I want to accept the light of the sun
Shining bright on my full moon heart
Bearing witness to all that there is and appreciating the wonder and beauty of the universe in all its vastness.
In the BEGINNING
There was you
And with you
It was us
Us against the world
Strolling towards the future
Side by side
Lost in a warp
With the world plugged in our ears
It is you and I
Our backs turned against the future
(a future frozen even with global warming)
We look behind
Remembering not LOT’s wife
And the PILLAR of salt.
©Belema .S. Ekine