You are too hard on yourself for your past. You need to look at what you have now and your future.
I may have not had the best child hood but you are doing your best to make up for "lost" time.
I apologize for watching as my father beat you, and not calling the cops. I'm sorry that all I did is run away, hide in the room, and cry. I remember countless times of him hitting you, pushing you around, and calling you every name except for the one he should be calling you by.
I remember him slamming your legs in the door. I remember you hiding bruises and making up excuses for him. You where bound by drugs and "love" that you couldn't wrap your head around to walk away.
I watched countless times as you tried to walk away, but walking away is not that simple. Every time he seemed to find his way back. I remember as we begged you to leave him time and time again.
I now realize that he degraded you so much that you felt worthless that you felt you had fallen down to his level. That he was the only person you felt that could love and support you the way you were.
After years of him destroying your self esteem I know how hard it was for you. When you finally left him. I was gone to Florida, and when I got back I was told what happen. I remember a elephant being lifted off my shoulders, I could once again breathe. Hoping that this time was for good.
That year we bounced around from place to place more times than I can remember, once living in a camper. I didn't care where we stayed; I knew it was better than what we have been in. You struggled to keep me a place to sleep you cared for me and loved me.
On my 15th birthday you were checked into rehab for the last time. You struggled to stay in there your whole time even with every one there supporting you. I remember coming to visit you and your personal changing. You where happier, you where learning to respect yourself, and trying to love yourself again.
I know that when you got clean you felt as if I was pushing you away but I was not meaning to. I was trying to adjust, I am still adjusting. This was all new for me. I apologize for not being able to adjust quicker, to forgive faster, and love stronger. You are my mother I will always love you. If it wasn't for you I would not be where I'm at today. Thank you, mommy.
I could not be more proud of who you are today. I want you to forgive yourself from your past. I want you to love yourself like you never have before. You are strong and you can do anything you put your mind to. You have went through some of the worst things on this earth, and survived.
The only thing I want to happen for you now is to get baptized at your church.
In a dream I felt nostalgia
And it brought me to my knees
It wouldn't let me breathe
My cold, dead, teary eyes
When I awoke it hit me hard
Cause the pain did not subside
The vice stuck on my heart
Sinking me deeper in the dark
So my dear Nostalgia
Please just leave me be
I know I'm getting older
And the past I can't relive
So my dear Nostalgia
Please give me back my wings
I am sick of falling
And struggling to sleep
Please just let go of me
Can't you see I'm suffocating?
Have you no compassion?
Broken by your kiss
Nostalgia I'm running out of words to say
I've been fighting far too long
I'm tired and weary
Decimated by your fury
So my dear Nostalgia
Hear me as I cry
Grant me one last wish
Stay the hell away from me
I want less hollow nights
And a loneliness that dissipates
I want the moon to shine from my chest
A glow that pulses with the rhythm of my heartbeat and accentuates the craters from every asteroid that's hit the surface.
I want stars in my eyes when I look at you.
I want love in my moon heart when I hug you ... hold you.
I want time to be blissful and inaccurate. A mess of seconds, minutes and hours sped up and slowed down no longer indicating or defining any one experience.
And in the mess, I want to ponder that loss of structure with you.
I want to feel whole and complete
In my brain and body
I want hope and unconditional respect for my genderless siblings and their conflicts.
I want patience for my own weaknesses
And forgiveness for my failures.
I want the strength to wake up
The courage to feed myself
And the confidence to keep moving
Time ticks forward and backward, up and down.
I want calmness and leniency for my emotional process
Gentle touch from my friends and lovers
I want healing and self-love.
I want to sleep next to you
To learn to trust
To connect frayed threads from split ends of past wounds
Reconnecting emotions that only spark and never light
A gas stove that poisons the air awaiting ignition.
I've spent my spoons on people who have only learned to take.
I want to never forget how to give
Even to those who don't deserve it.
I want to forgive those who have hurt me and rejected me.
And I want to forgive myself for those I have hurt and rejected.
I want to find closure for pain that numbly aches in my cratered moon heart.
I want to make plans for the future
With hope in my mouth
As words tumble out
I want to see the sun rise and set in all its cliched glory.
I want to feel satisfied by simplicity
And welcome difficulty with determination emanating from my pores.
I want to be humbled by all the things I will never know and accepting of not knowing.
I want to sit with my sadness and console it with thoughtful kindness. I want to find the energy to walk through the fires of depression with strength and understanding.
I want to believe in my worth and that I am worthy.
I am worthy.
I want to surround myself with those who make me feel wanted and cared for.
Loved and understood.
I want to help others feel their worth and have patience with their process of understanding their own worth.
I want to be present for those I love.
And make sacrifices to maintain my own self-care.
I want to look at my craters
Truly see them
Even the deepest darkest ones
Accepting and acknowledging their presence and recognizing the change they have created in me, positively or negatively.
I want to breathe life into the air
And stay alive for another thirty years and another thirty after that.
I want to see the value in my life.
I want to live openly and thoughtfully.
Holding myself as well as others
Softly guiding ones who are lost through their sorrows
And accepting that some do not desire guidance nor are they in place to accept it.
I want to permeate positivity.
And not underestimate negativity.
I want to accept the light of the sun
Shining bright on my full moon heart
Bearing witness to all that there is and appreciating the wonder and beauty of the universe in all its vastness.
In the BEGINNING
There was you
And with you
It was us
Us against the world
Strolling towards the future
Side by side
Lost in a warp
With the world plugged in our ears
It is you and I
Our backs turned against the future
(a future frozen even with global warming)
We look behind
Remembering not LOT’s wife
And the PILLAR of salt.
©Belema .S. Ekine
Love never captures the stars
for we burn in the hollow
of the black hole
tearing at our souls.
Yearning to be free,
on our knees, we plead,
blind at times in defeat,
deaf to the trees,
the hearts true needs
but on we climb toward the light,
the rainbow an illusion of mind
knowing the journey is the gold,
that truth comes in numbers
and in reverse the future unfolds.
searching for the words to say.
you know those
that chase thoughts away
that force the confidence
that I have in these words
I love you.
seems so easy.
but in the past have been the catalyst
causing the whole thing to go aray.
those words which carry so much depth
yet hold not enough weight.
to convey what I'm actually trying to say.
I love you.
but I don't mean it that way.
the way your hips sway
all have broken the walls I have built
until this day.
I love you.
but makes the words so hard to say
to your face.
(Is not a wealthy trust fund
it will be my bloods’ fund)
What must i do, this very moment
to set up my entire lineage
from feeling anger, empty,
the work i put into these Veins, today,
will flow through its course
for all generations
that precede and follow me
The name that was once smoothing and sweet has now become bitter to some in my family
But in my head I scream and yell it out, this happens normally
"SHE WILL NEVER EXIST!!! GET THAT THOUGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD!!!"
My claws silenced Your voice, to prove that I can pretend
You and Him were the ones that thought of her, and she is here to stay
Though you have tried to disintegrate my dream to see her live one day
My Conscious has been set, My Droplet is Here
She may not be human, only thinner then air
You planed for a future together, but now it's been slain!
But the daughter you two thought of, is my Beloved Niece Rain