i have worn a veil,
a shroud.
i have concealed myself for you.

and the moment i show who i am,
you step away.
concerned.

i am not dangerous,
i am not volatile.
i am not threatening.

i am precarious,
i am uncertain.
i am exposed.

if you do not love me,
step away.
move closer to the wall.

show me that you do not
want me...
move

farther away
this is you
showing me who you really are...

step away.

I write a lot about hiding.
I wonder where the instinct comes from
that I never want to be seen
I work with children who have this peculiar instinct too
Though, I love who I am
and what I am full of
and the intricacies and joy of being in my mind and body.
The volumes of novels
accessible by going inside
But
When someone sees me
Maybe it's that I can't control what they see. And then I've been told
I’m quite monotone, robotic, hard to read, intimidating, quiet, stoic, no sense of humor,
Over and over
and I feel the exact opposite.
which makes for a cozy retreat.

You might not notice,
but I've been
careful about what
I show you
when our bodies meet.

A tube of Neosporin
by the sink,
lays
innocently.

You might not notice,
but there's a part of me
I still don't want you to see.

If you saw,
and discovered my misdeed
would you still
hold me?

What is the gain, when what is loved is unreal..


Perfect by nature
Icons of self indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world that
Never was and never will be

      "Have you no shame don't you see me?
      You know you've got everybody fooled.."

Look here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when you're pretending

But now I know she
Never was and never will be

      "You don't know how you've betrayed me..
      And somehow you've got everybody fooled"

Without the mask where will you hide
Can't find yourself, lost in your lie..

      "I know the truth now
      I know who you are
      And I don't love you anymore.."

Never was and never will be
"You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you have everybody fooled"
It never was and never will be..

      "You're not real and you can't save me.
       Somehow now you're everybody's fool."

       ~Evanescence

if i give you a poem

know that i split open my scalp
and tore apart the pink matter
know that i crept far back and dug through the crevices of my brain
know that i stumbled into the dark, groped for words that stuttered when they tiptoed outside
tread lightly on them
for they are just learning to walk

know that retreating is addictive
and i am a creature of habit
know that camouflage is not always my forte
and i am better at hiding
know that i am ashamed when you look at me
and see
that my sky is always pink, my grass always lavender, my sea always crimson

know that i am ugly
and that i have tore off my face and rebuilt it so many times
i hardly recognize myself
know that my insides are clogged
know that my lungs are stuffed with shrapnel and my heart is bursting with debris
and that nothing runs through my veins

know that this is all i have left
this thing,
falling out of my chest, spilling all over my lap, collapsing at your feet

know that it is yours now

do what you will.

What are you thinking?  

I don’t know

Hidden in the dark,

like a monster under a bed



Blank face, no expression.

Your walls are high, but so are mine

You’re trapped.

In a room without windows

A straight jacket around your heart

It’s trying to pump; you won’t let it



It’s dark down here

Pressure.

Drowns.

My.

Soul.  



I’m trying alright.

To piece together the way you work,

just like a potter and his clay

One day, you will cross this line

This fine line.  

We’ll be alright.

What if all our thoughts
Hiding away in our head
Not being anymore there
Were told out loud, were said