jas 2d

(cont..)

perhaps you know my friend misery
me & her have quite the history
although i only met her last year
i've known her all my life , i fear
i cannot seem to get out of bed
i'm hanging on , just barely , by a thread
i cannot seem to get the fuck out of bed
to start the day , wondering , how long is it going to dread?

i'm quiet so nobody notices
they say i'm tired
ha , prbly hungover
don't worry this feeling will pass over
well you wanted to drown me in drugs
surely i got it
with depression
how could you not notice?
when you were my bestfriend?
& now i wish everyday that it would end

everyone around me
living happily
& than there is me
drowning
my mom says 'why are you such a drunk?
you drink everyday
get outta this funk'
well mom , i drink to take the pain away
i wish i could tell you straight to your face
i'm on a drug i do not wish to take
but i fear you will guilt me & say my words are fake
'you drink for your own fucks sake'

how could i tell you i'm living like this?
how could i tell anyone?
i sit back , & i wonder where did all this start?
did it start with my abusive father
or the one who left before i was born
did it start when people brought me down
& said i wasn't good enough?
i turned & looked to god
yet i still felt lost

but i know i'm tough
laid up in a world so tough
& so here's me living with depression & anxiety
hand in hand
that's quite a hoax
but here's to a part of me i've never told
here's a part of me that you never knew

Hi, my name is Chase
and I live within your life.
All I am is just a lie.
I'll never sacrifice.
Suicide is king
and I'm the fucking queen.
Don't wanna be a girl.
Do you know what I mean?

I never tell the truth.
No, my fears get in the way.
It's happened once before,
but I guess I'll never change.
Scars will start to cover me.
Legs onto my wrist.
Punching holes into your soul.
Make contact with your fist.

I am just so used to it,
but god I want to stop.
But boy if I told you the truth
I'd lose you on the spot.
Sometimes I just wanna die.
Drown in my blood and tears.
I say that I fear nothing,
but you are my only fear.

So, down I will go spiraling.
I'll just keep on conspiring.
I will never tell the truth.
There is just too much to lose.

Trapped in lies.
Trapped in lies.
I'm trapped inside.
Throw the truth aside.
Trapped in lies.
I'll always hide.

Cut myself wide open.
Try to let it out.
But the moment that I see you
my head it fills with doubt.
It could never work.
I just cannot be me.
I'm sorry to say boy
you aren't the golden key.

You're not the key to happiness
for I do not believe.
But still I have to smile.
Make me fall down to my knees.
I smile on the outside,
but trapped inside I cry.
I look like I live life,
but my one hope is to die.

Trapped in lies.
Trapped in lies.
I'm trapped inside.
Throw the truth aside.
Trapped in lies.
I'll always hide.

You look at me with love.
I look at you with sorrow.
This lie will never end.
It still goes on tomorrow.
It's a never ending nightmare.
I wish it were a dream.
Sick of my life cheating.
Falling apart at the seams.

I wish I'd never started.
Now, it's too late to go back.
The past is not the present,
but my future looks too black.

I know you want to make this work,
but take a look at me.
Everything you see
isn't what it seems to be.
I am just a lie.
I am living through your life.
So, baby please just end it.
Yes, end my lies tonight.

Trapped in lies.
Trapped in lies.
I'm trapped inside.
Throw the truth aside.
Trapped in lies.
I'll always hide.

I am just so tired.
I want to stop the act.
Don't know why I started.
All I know is I lost track.
I lost track of the time
and all the memories.
I don't even know
who the fuck I'm supposed to be.

Got caught up in my lies.
Don't know how to let go.
Hardly even anybody
really even knows.
I hardly know myself.
Now, isn't that sad?
Cuz I hardly know you
and it's driving me mad.

And the anger inside
turns me into a beast.
Pulls me inside.
Now, I'm a killing machine.
This is the side of me I never let show.
But is it the real me?
He fucking hopes so.

I guess I'll just keep lying
to you and to myself.
I guess I'll tell my lies
to everybody else.
Maybe one day
I'll find the guts to change.
But for now I'll keep lying.
Keep you out of my range.

Trapped in lies.
Trapped in lies.
I'm trapped inside.
Throw the truth aside.
Trapped in lies.
I'll always hide.

This poem was made before I came out as a Trans Man. I tried so hard to be a normal women. But it just wasn't me.
Zero Nine Dec 8

Start, like another
End, like every other
Alone, UtI, spinning web
Like I believe I'm the spider
The weaver, weaving, tearing down
Start today
End tonight

Under the influence for years
I'll never pronounce it wrong
I start like another
I end like every other

While I wasted the time waiting for you to leave
I never once thought I would commit arson
Burn the memories we made
(Though, I did)

(I saw the start and new the end)

Brianna Dec 8

Keep putting on a good front, let the world see that gleaming, brilliant smile you wear so well.
Let the laughter pour out like the drinks that keep sliding towards you on that bar.
Please, continue to be the class clown, make them laugh, make them wonder how you're oh, so, cool.

You put on a good front, babe.
You sure made them believe.
You put on a perfect smile, babe.
You sure let them wonder.

But I know you better then they do.
I know that smile hides sadness and fear of never being perfect.
I know those eyes hide hate for yourself and where you're at in life.

So, go ahead babe, put on that smile you wear so well.
Please let them see you laughing because god forbid they see you cry.
Continue being the confident one because we know the rest of us need a little more help.
Just remember the next time you talk about me, you're just as afraid of failing as I am.

Mari Uhing Dec 6

Depression
Feels like there’s nothing
But you’re drowning in everything

Depression
Looks like happiness and smiles
But nobody can see the pain you feel inside

Depression
Tastes like bitter tears
But nobody tastes them but you

Depression
Smells like blood
But it drips only from your wrist

Depression
Sounds like whispered secrets
But nobody can find out, nobody

Hiding
In the deepest
Blackest
Hole in our
Hearts
Lives a hateful place
Called Hell

Where hunters
Murderers
Evils untold
Lies
Lust
Death and fire
Reside
In hateful harmony

Ruling
In the deepest
Blackest
Hole in our
Hearts
Is an evil queen
Called Human

She tempts
And slashes
Kills
And deceives
Destroys
Perverts
And steals
From those
With hearts

Thriving
In the deepest
Blackest
Hole in our
Hearts
Is a civilization
Called Nature

Savages
Creatures
Both dark
And light
Inhuman objects
Fighting for
Survival
Killing each other
With hateful glee

Echoing
From the deepest
Blackest
Hole in our
Hearts
Screams a hateful place
Called Hell

Ok, listen...I'm not 100% sure what was going through my head when I wrote this, but I must have been cynical as hell at the time. I was probably also crazy, but then I'm crazy now, so it's hard to tell. Anyways, enjoy and try not to read too far into it.
Bella Nov 21

There's a space between our walls
under the stairs
dark and full of clutter
boxes, bins, and buckets
pilled into pillars scraping flakes off the ceiling
narrowing down into a spiral
squeezing
filling every inch
Every crack and crevice

It starts a story high
And dwindles down into a 6 inch tall emptiness
The on’y cleared space in the hole room
And not for lack of trying
Just for lack of fitting
In the 2 foot long 1 foot wide space

But there i am,
Tucked into a ball
Curled into a small shell
I ran away
And I found myself in the space between the walls
The dark space that no one else can reach
I curl in the comfort of my 6 walls
With nothing else but a bag of cotton to rest my head

Eyes closed
I think
It's black enough where it doesn’t matter either way.
I’ve been here for 12 years
The space has not grown with me, but I still fit
Still fit in the dark
In my safe space
Hidden where no one will look
Hidden by the flor
By the walls
By the clutter

I hear them searching
Yelling in the background
Standing right above me and not knowing I’m there
Shouting out my name
But i remain curled
A girl
Quietly waiting in between the walls
Waiting
For the life around me--
to slow

Jewel M C Nov 21

"places near you..."

faces near you?

     stop pretending

          that they can't hear you...

you're in clear view

& they're following you too

Glenn Onebene Nov 20

As kids we're told to follow our dreams
But that is now reversed, so it seems
During the day I live a great life
But when I close my eyes i worry I won't survive the night
An internal struggle with the demons I keep quiet
I bounce from dream to dream like getting beat by a riot
I see you, them, blood, and fire
Running from it all is my one desire
They follow close with screams filling the air
I think why does my mind keep bringing me here
If only I could make my dreams stop
Just climb a tower and throw them from the top
Every night it never seems to fail
I drift off and then my mind starts to bail
Heartbeat racing, bed drenched of sweat
I never thought I'd fear the sunset
One more step to another chase
They say that this will pass, that it's all a phase
I just have to let my mind calm down
But its hard to do that if there is no reason to be found
Maybe one day it will be okay
Until then I close my eyes and hope to wake up the next day

Not on my meds my mind seems to be fighting me at night.. Hoping it stops soon...
Dirty Word Nov 20

There once was a painter
He painted so much
The painter didn't talk so much
He painted over words

There once was a painter
He talked so much
The painter didn't paint so much
He had finally died

After an illustrious career.
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