Theres a part of me swirling around inside
Hoping to be free, to be discovered.
Yet when I let it out, everything changes.
It takes over me completely.
Consumes my soul and the darkness overtakes the light.  
I drown in my own freedom..
Am I supposed to bury it down so deep I hopefully forget about it?
I can live in the light and pretend the rest doesn’t exist.
Yet I’ll be denying a whole entire half of me.
I don’t know if it’s even half really..
It doesn’t like to share..
it’s either dwindled down n hidden or it takes completely over.
But I can’t deny it’s there even while suppressing it so well.
Even in my happiest moments it finds a way of exposing itself and I have to cover it up with a fake smile and pretending to be perfectly well.
It hits me like a brick ******* wall.
No matter how high the bliss or how low the pits I’m in.
It always has a way of surprising me.. reminding me it’ll never go away.
I could live a lie, or live completely taken by this darkness.
I fear there is no middle ground here.

You say quote, "it should be easy to see" that you love me
Promising me, biyearly, that I'm your one and only
Your heart was supposedly given to me willingly
But you kept the key
So I wait endlessly for you outside the entry
I pine for you in spite of me
Yet you waste no desire on me
Avoiding anything resembling intimacy
Can't even toss me something phony
Hiding that half of your beauty from me
While forcing me to ignore that better half of me
Both instantly and,
It's occurred to me more recently,
Possibly for all eternity
Won't ******* like I'm somehow below me
I faintly remember you'd at least pity fuuck me
Now I seem to turn you off completely
Acting like you need to do absolutely nothing sexually
Literally refusing to be seen hand in hand in public with me
You constantly go out of your way to physically avoid me
The reason?
Because you know you've hooked me already
Leaving you to instantly cancel the pageantry
But is it to much to ask to willingly snuggle up close to me?
Hell...it must be...
Because you're giving off that type of energy
While ******* the entirety of my passion till my souls empty
Not s single thought on how this might affect me
You've more that just damaged me
But go ahead and ignore what's going to finally break me completely
No, really
Step back through the stage curtain and curtsy, you've beat me

©2024

Something doesn't feel right, could be that my head isn't ******* on tight
Could be that, try as I might, the absence of light shrouds the line between wrong and right
Hiding in plane sight but fright often forces the eyes closed, a blind plight
Never found the passion to ignite
Didn't think it possible to gaslight ones self outta spite
Never shined bright enough to conquer or at the very least scatter this proverbial night
Narrow vision and bad eyesight was my faley alright
Hit and fell through my rock bottom with the force of a meteorite
Bobbed instead of weaved and lost the fight, but not contrite
Many issues I'd like to extradite back to their day of origin, with new insight I'd like a full rewrite

©2024

I feel safer somewhere cold and dark
Like my lonely, ransacked heart
At times it has played the part
Tucked behind a fleshy rampart
Casting a stark silhouette,
Becoming somewhat of a trademark
Can't remember when it lost it's spark
It had to have been sometime, way back,
Before the halfway mark
The memory gets a bit hazy,
Especially when trying to recall the start
What I get to deal with now is,
Just how quickly it all fell apart

©2024

Are the many
Shades of rain
Just
Umbrellas
In a crowd
Or my sadness
When
I have to say goodbye
Walking away
Leaving
Instead I wanted
An embrace
But
There's no room for
Us
So much
Crowding in our world
I wonder if I'll ever
Reach you
In all of these
Shades of rain
Maybe
Our sun will
Shine
For a short while
The shades will go down
And you will
See my happiness
When
You're coming
My way
Holding
Your hand out
To touch mine...
But that's all...
Putting my shade
Back up
For the next
Rain...
I know it's coming

We are all hiding something aren't we?
Let's be fair
From the moment we wake and look in that mirror
We rush to change what we first see there
All we do is spin our little lies
**** in that gut,
Color that hair,
Twist off that wedding ring,
Pretend to not care
And why not?
What's the penalty?
What are the consequences, really?
All is forgiven when you start usin' the phrase
"I'm only human"
But what if the cruel hand of fate twists you into something different then what you've been?
Into that undesirable other
Who, if anyone, will forgive you then?

©2024

Speak of the devil and see who appears in the mirrors
Who knows better than you all your fears and what brings you to tears?
The voice that escapes through clenched teeth, grinding like gears
Is exactly the same as the voice saying the things nobody hears
Most all of the verbal abuse does not funnel in through the ears
It stays internal, verbal and mental commingle to create brutal elixirs
Constructing, seemingly out of nothing, life altering barriers
A senseless mugging in broad daylight and no one interferes
Just like no one hears my prayers
The real me almost disappears from years of hiding behind makeshift veneers
Hanging on by a meer thread, I think the puppeteers have switched careers

©2024

Standing in
Your shadow
Not able to see
Or feel
The light
Source...
Sometimes
It's not so easy
To just
Move