Honey its been a while but i know you exist between heartbeats — not quite joy not quite grief, just the long inhale before either arrives.
you lived in a house where silence carved the hallways out of not being chosen so i know that you wear sound like an armour,
for when the room goes quiet the ghosts start speaking in full sentances and you are left with no language to bury them.
you answer messages in your head, smile at texts you never send and mourn connections like you've buried them with your own hands — even tho they are still alive
just not with you.
you wage a war between
reach out
and
stay safe.
between
i miss you
and
don't look at me.
you stand still.
mid-sentance
mid-dream
mid-you.




your house is a mess- your head is worse
wondering if this is healing or you are just getting really good at pretending so you bolt the doors
and you don't dare let anyone come in.
your mother used to say that the cruelest is the hour when you must beg the stars to remember your name — you'd then say
that the pain is a fruit, bitten too soon
and yet so sweet, so knowing.
because you know you must remember everything
and overcome it.
for if you don’t overcome it, you will always be the child whose soul never grew, the woman who kept apologizing for needing too little, and loving too much.

Long are overdue the deeds you owe to yourself.

-V

I promised to always love you

Not realizing I doomed myself 

Because I still love you so much

Even when you stopped loving me

I wasn't lonely at all, I too had friends before,
We would play, laugh, and have fun,
Get wet in summer from watergun,
And be sick for days calling each other one,
But time past and we said "goodbye",
Despite that "bye" wasn't fine,
I'd be sick for years not for days,
As I couldn't make friends any more,
Even though I made two or three,
They didn't seem to be fond of me,
They would go to parks and walk,
Gaming place where they would play,
Theatres where they could see the play,
Not asking me if could come along,
And thus, I now can open the door,
That I've been not alone before...

I don't hate you,
I could never hate you.
                                                 I envy you.

I envy the way you look so free,
the way you could be called confident,
in the clothes people would call me bold for.
The way your good at so many things,
that I lay in your shadow,
yearning for the spotlight.

I wish I could love you,
or even just like you,
but, I can't.
Because your beautiful,
your kind,
your loved,
                                                  your perfect.
While, I'm just....
well, me.

So, I'm sorry.
Just know,
I don't hate you,
I could never hate you.
But,
                                            I'll forever envy you.

Is it all too much when I ask for nothing?
Just for you to say 'hi' in the halls,
And ask if I'm okay when I'm crying in the corner,
But it's all too much for you.

Is it all too much when I say a word?
Just one single word about myself,
And even when the words are ones you should care about,
It's all too much for you.

Is it all too much when I hang around?
Just to be there and not be lonely-stricken like I am,
And have someone to keep me accountable,
But it's all too much for you

Because even when I'm sad, and down,
Even when I stay up late for your wallows,
Even when I need to rant because then I'll scream,
And I listen to all of your creations without a second thought.
Even when I'm just there; silent, invisible,
You'll still push me out.

I know that I'm weird, a mess—different,
But so are you, and that's what makes us fit.
But now you glare at me from down the hall,
So I'm sorry this can't mend,
But that's alright with you, isn't it?

.
                                   Where'd it go wrong with you?

I never thought I would end up so broken,
from such a beautiful face.
End up so lost,
from a beaming smile,
but you proved me wrong.

My breath shortened,
as you look fine.
I wish I never met you,
or that we stayed together.

The universe is breaking me,
every time it takes away the people I love.
I know it doesn't care,
maybe i'll learn a lesson from them,
but not you.

I thought we were soulmates,
but the person I held so dear,
has now left me alone,
with my broken thoughts.
A place I should never be left alone in.

I wish you stayed,
but I can't decide that.
Clearly you don't mind if i'm gone,
just like many others.
Because you left,
I'm considering many things,
things I can't say,
without crying for the people i'll leave alone,
if I forever go quiet.

So please,
before I go,
tell me,
                                          Where'd it all go wrong?

Don't do this,
and don't do that.
Then, what should I do?
You've made me stuck,
alone in a sea of people,
wishing I wasn't.

People don't wanna be friends with me,
the girl who can only talk through email,
and only during the school year.
People want a girl who can go out,
and talk forever.
A girl who can have sleepovers,
and hang out all summer.

They don't know me,
not just because of how I look,
but because you have made it impossible,
to have a friend.
At least one that lasts,
because they want a friend that can stay.
But because of you,
I am forever bound.

There's an ant on my window, it smelled something sweet
Has he ever faced heart break? Does she know about defeat?

There's an ant on my window, and he has many friends
Do you think that they're talking? Are they talking about me?

There's some ants on my window, and I'm watching them go,
Each of them together working in a synchronized flow