i’ve heard of sun-downing in Alzheimer’s patients.
their symptoms get worse as the day turns to night.
this is the best description of how I feel
as the day gets darker, so does my mind.
one second I am happy,
then, the sun sets.
literally and figuratively,
my brain goes to the dark place.
the place where self worth is non-existent.
the place where everyone hates you.
the dark places joins hands with the dark
and runs you dry.
SD 2.13.18
None of my friends
     Wanna talk to me,
So I'm just leaning
     On this balcony,
And I'm sheilding my eyes
     From the bright city,
None of my friends
     Ever talk to me,

Man, that sidewalk,
Lined in chalk,
Another dead body-
Cause they couldn't talk,
And another crying family,
And their world, rocked,
Another empty bed-
And a door, locked,
Their son, mocked,
His clock, stopped,

None of your friends
     Wanna talk to you,
So you're just looking
     Out this window, too,
And you're counting your tears
     While you're feeling blue,
None of your friends
     Wanna talk to you.
let me tell you a secret
that emotion that often comes up as your facing a dangerous situation, you know the one I speak of
It leaps after the jumpscare of a scary movie like a tiger with freshly caught prey
Oh yes it has a name
Fear
Most people fear death
Most people have trivial fears, spiders, snakes, heights, each to their own phobias
I am not like most people, you see my fear stems from the very pits of black where no light exists.
A place so formidable and menacing that a whole generation seems to suffer from it
Being forgotten
Abandoned
Alone, this plagues many yet it often invokes silence up until it is too late.
Catching on? I hope you are
I suffer from this and it pains me every day having to watch people move on and I seem to have fallen into a rut
But, that's ok because I'm expendable, forgettable, erasable, and then ill just fade into the nothingness of Oblivion
luxe 18h
Owl
Nighttime is not lonely
Until everyone else is asleep
And you live in the city
And all the cars are busy
And the stars are drowned out
And social media creates different images
Snapshots of people's lives
Making it seem more busy then it is
And the mountain air is pushing the trees around
And i realize I am longing for the same hold
The wind has on its branches
And it is painful to see everyone fade into their dreams
When I am up
And I am up because everyone fades
And because I can not keep feeling that loss
and the moon is hiding behind the clouds
and I begin to see
how much I have relied on its glow
to illuminate me
and when my eyes start to close
and I lay my head down
and for a second I think I can do this
and then I see
everything I do not want to see
and then........


the nighttime is not lonely
Until you are lonely and it is nighttime
It’s easy to feel lonely
while surrounded by lots of people
you just have to not be yourself
because then the real you is truly
alone
Loneliness is such a raw feeling in your throat
Savannah 22h
I lower my head
in remembrance of my lonely days.
They aren't gone,
but unlike me,
they will never be forgotten.
Thanks for reading
you never liked that one word could take me from light to dark,
a flick of a switch.
you never liked my constant questions,
my curiosity made your eyes twitch and your fingers reach for mine in hopes that i would be silent.
you never liked how i loved you,
my heart was too full of you, too much for you.
my emotions were always over the top,
you never liked that either.


i learned to mute these key parts of myself,
to only bring out the pieces you loved.
i became adjusted to feeling unwanted,
but a glimmer of hope remained in my mind that
maybe, one day, you would want all of me.
hell, at least i could try to be wanted by you.
i could try and be enough for you.
if i just put one foot in front of another, you would eventually want me, all of my flaws included.
if i could just keep going and going.

if i could just keep working to make you want me.

i wasn't myself with you- that i know for sure.
but i would've spent every moment being someone i'm not,
if it meant i could stay with you for even one more second.

i'm beginning to realize that we were flawed from the start.
when did u change your name to memory?
Why do i think that name suits
you better than anything
i had every called you..
including.. best friend
you moved on, I moved on
but disclaimer, i dont miss you.
i dont even know you
i know what you were
i was friends with
what you were...
i miss who u were before this change.
i miss who you were before memory became your name.
NO.
i dont miss everything about you
i miss everything about who you were
and i dont miss whatever you have become
i miss the before..
who is the "after"?
and what you were is someone
who still exists in my mind
what you were to me back then
i still crave
all the time
cause i see that at least
the memory of you
is something that is still alive
PLEASE.
dont tell the younger me
that is best friend is only avaible
for a limited amount of time
dont tell me the younger me
that i buried her in my past
letting her funeral
be my final goodbye
everything you were to me
no longer exist
no matter how much i want to deny
that you and i are not anything other
than stranger to eachother
ive never met
the you of today!
ive seen pictures but
the girl on instagram
doesnt even look the same!
the girl on instagram doesnt even remember
hearing me say
let me ask if we can hang out
and we can met eachother half way
half way
was just a catchphrase
we both said too much
when the road we were walking down
was the rope keeping us bound
but we were both losing
our touch
i wont deny to anyone you were my best friend
but i can teach everyone something
because you were also
my lesson on how fast friendships sink
and how best in "BFF" is not as good as you think
and how "forever"
is an overstatement
its not as long as it should be
you let the hands of your pain clutch you
you let it choke and corrupt you
i wanted to think
i was wiser when it came to us
but really it was just you
but that wisdom
has been drained
you lost a battle
to your own pain
was i your army
did i make the hurt weigh less?
and is that why now that im gone
you try so hard to make yourself weight less?
tell me what happened to that light.
tell me what happened
to your smile that used to shine so bright
tell me why your a lightbulb
that went out
why your done
tell me what happened to my friend
who once resembled the sun!
because we forgot about
meeing eachother
half way
we both turned around
ans started walking
the other way
and i wont look back
if i know you wont do that same,
i know you wont do the same.
so when did you change your name to memory?
why is memory still a friend of mine?
and why is she a better friend
to me than you ever were?
and why am i okay
with your replacement
your replacement being her
our end their wasnt any drama
it wasnt on any stage
and you have only gone behind my back
because i turned around
so we would both be facing
opposite ways
so rest in peace
the best friend
of the growing me
im sorry my memory have become
your cemetery and
im sorry we couldnt have stayed friends
because i didnt stay then
...
my memory will live on
even if your not livingwith her
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