Some people slip,
When their clay gets out of shape
They accept what they're given
And set it in stone.
But you keep improving;
A faster or slower pace,
Viewing from different perspectives... etc.
You know there's a possibility
You refuse to give up
And be stuck the same way forever.
10 miles 'til empty
And I am almost there,
Been driving all night
To get to Nowhere.
Throughout the night
I've been left with my thoughts,
Focusing on the end
So I don't get lost.
5 miles 'til empty
And my journey's almost done.
The new beginning
is on the horizon.
I packed up my life
To see what's in store
Because the old me
Desperately wanted more.
2 miles 'til empty
And my heart is racing fast
Because of my tank
And all that has passed.
Will this life be better?
Will it keep me satisfied?
I will only know
At the end of this ride.
0 miles 'til empty
And I am now here,
Alone in this place
With only my fear.
In this isolation
I realize the truth
That I really did love
the life of my youth.
my heart is empty,
it's all my fault.
my rebirthing journey
has come to a halt.
i don’t want to be here.
i wish i never came.
i want to go back
to when things were the same.
My tank is empty
But my hope is not.
I’ll head straight back
With only my thoughts.
Each step I take
Is one step closer
To getting off
This roller coaster.
10,000 miles ‘til home
And I’m almost there,
I’ll walk through the night
To end this nightmare.
The distance is great
But this first step is a start
In returning back to
The home of my heart.
Occasionally, somebody comes along and unlocks
a part of me, that I never knew existed.
Sometimes, I am okay with that,
welcoming, the rush of warmth that floods my body.
more often than not,
I mess up.
Time, and time again -
never learning but always loathing.
I have changed though,
yet it appears it's too little, too late
and those that could have been an option for
joy, those who could have held my very own
personalised key to happiness,
have left already.
Dark haired girl
Eyes like her soul on fire--
Have I met you before?..
No, you say
Yet I have
Someone like you is unforgettable
You cut your hair short
Changed up your voice
Your fancy dresses turned to jeans....
But that fire in your voice
That passion in your soul
Burns brighter than anything
I've ever seen
I've known you before
And not just from my dreams
Wreaked havoc in my life
Yet mended it through and through
Changed my looks
Made me into a man
Yet when I asked
You shook your head
You didn't know me....
And that was the first time you ever looked me in the eyes
And knowingly unknowingly hurt me
They say if you love me you wouldn't do anything that would strike question to if we would last.
But what do they know?
They don't understand who you were in the past.
They don't understand just how much you've grown.
To think that in love no makes mistakes is absurd.
I've taken a boy who once flew into the bedrooms of countless girls and made him into a flightless bird.
I've clipped his wings of freedom.
Or more, he clipped them and gave them to me.
So, what do they know?
You've made mistakes, and a year later the shame on your face still does show.
There is still a part of you that desires nothing but to fly into unexplored bedrooms.
I know you'd love to drown in their womanly perfumes.
I'm fully aware that you wonder how soft her bed is, how her hair smells, how her lips taste. And it's ok to wonder, love, it's ok to be curious. Or so I say.
And still, sometimes you sit in their window seals and watch them through the glass.
You keep smacking into that window, you crazy bird.
Can't you see what's holding you back?
If not see, then you must feel the hook I've sunk into your heart.
And they ask me, regarding your infedality:
"Doesn't it bother you?"
"Oh, yes, of course, it tears me apart. Who wouldn't be bothered at the thought that one isn't enough to satisfy another?"
But in the end I always come back to the same resolve: "You aren't finished changing yet."
They laugh and say that I can't change you. Trust me, I know that too.
I'm only here because I see your potential, I know you desire to be a better man, and yet sometimes your desire to be faithful wavers. But I'm still here to dry your tears of regret.
I am your shoulder to cry on.
Beat me over and over again and tend my wounds, in a few days I'm good as new and we can do it all over again.
You say it's the last time you'll hurt me, but love, we both know you can't say that. Not yet.
Don't change for me.
Change for you.
And if you do have backup plans, though you insist I am the only one, I do hope they won't fall through.
Even if I won't have the pleasure to be the only one, I'll always be your first love, even if I'm just a memory.
So don't change for me and don't thank me.
You have changed yourself.
I was only eating popcorn in the audience of you're drama.
Crying at the sad parts,
Laughing at your jokes,
Smiling with you as you progressed.
Your wings have grown back but you aren't using them the way you once did.
And now that we've reached the end of your film labeled "Change", I wonder if I'll be starring in your second movie as well.
Maybe I could have a larger role this time, don't you think?
The shattered world vanishes beneath thee,
the emptiness, now pervading within me.
I see what was once there before,
now ceasing to be there at all.
What I once called,
my life and my family,
the cornerstones of my very identity,
turning into dust, a part of my memory.
Even this, ceases to be,
what was "forever", now just a "could be"
time erodes all that I deem,
important to no one, except me.
Yet this breaking,
deconstruction of worlds,
changes my perception,
for good or for ill,
into something beyond,
into a part of something, new it may be.
My ideas begin to break,
my thoughts begin to shatter.
What was important, now doesn't even matter.
I recall a time, things were important to me,
now no different than the dust beneath me.
I then pay attention, to what is void and apparent.
The unchanging past, and the future in development.
I see what was broken, will be made anew,
and that there is nothing that won't be so.
Breaking my mind, breaking my soul,
breaking the heart that tears me so.
Overwhelming the part constituting this "me",
what then dies, is now reborn to see.
Of a time once past,
of a future yet to be.
Of a wholly new perspective,
rich as can be.
Our lives are such,
a deconstruction of the past,
to make a better future,
for every one of us.
you were the albatross
it was your hands versus mine,
it was your word versus mine,
it was us versus the world,
and it was like that,
always and forever,
forever and always
like a sailor and i swore
you were the most wonderful thing
i had ever laid eyes on,
and maybe the most confusing too
you could have called me,
told me we were
and you know better than anyone
that i would have
thrown my whole life
into a suitcase and run
away with you
things are different now,
though, and it seems like
you’re ready to
but it’s the kind of leaving that’s
going to happen without me, without us,
without telling me
it has never, ever, ever been
my place to stop you
you aren’t much one for mercy,
and i should’ve known from the second
i met you. i learned
a lot that day, all of it about you;
i learned that your heart
for me than for every
on the planet,
and i found out that different
is not always good
Dancing on the edge with you
You taught me to feel again in all the ways I forgot how to
Then to the beach
Planting peacefully into shore
Like a wave the ocean can't control
You wash over me
Surrounding me at every turn
Your currents carry me to a different place
You're the only one that pulls me in
Sweeping me way into an ocean of euphoria
You changed everything
And now I never have the urge to swim back to shore
November 16, Thursday 2017
I’m just making new friends. Friends that treat me a little better than you. Yes we were best friends but you started to treat me like shit without noticing or caring. All you say is “what can I do to fix it, just tell me” I have tried, but you want specific examples I don’t have specific times I just have specific feelings that were not good, feelings that made me feel like crap. I honestly don’t know what I want. I told you to not talk to my ex yet the streak is getting higher and higher. You betray me behind my back you say things that aren’t true, you agree with whatever anyone says and will do whatever anyone wants to do. You make fun of me and I tell you I don’t like it, but you just say “it was just a joke, we are all just kidding, stop being so sensitive” I can’t not be who I am. There have been so many things you have done and I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want a fight to start cause I know exactly how it would end with you saying “it’s not really a big deal I don’t know why you care so much.” Some people can be great friends but not great best friends. I told you I didn’t like him so you just try and separate time with me and time with him. But I don’t like that. I have been there for you right when you need me and when I need you, you just take your time to finish what you are doing no matter how much I need you. Yes you have been there for me through a lot and I do and always will appreciate it. I’m done letting you walk over me and me being ok with it. In the past when I tried and say how I felt you just threw something back at me which made me feel even worse. He has talked utter shit about me many times and the only time you have stuck up for me that I know of was when you knew I heard it, yet you still brought him to hang out. When I told you I was having panic attacks and we were with my ex you were like “Ohhhhh your ‘panic attacks’ sureee” like I was lying. I feel like you have changed, which you have. So maybe with change comes separation. I still want to be friends and still want to be close but maybe just not as close. Cause no matter what I say today you will make it seem like you are the victim and that I am being unreasonable. But I am not, I am just realizing that just like with boys I deserve friends who treat me good. So what happens, happens.