I can still remember the couch. The way I cried in my friend's arms when I thought of that couch. Pinned down. Abused. Forcefully used. On the couch.
I still remember going into my apartment alone after. The way my body shaked for nights spent crying in my bed after. At my friend's apartment after. In the hospital after. Years after.
They say the mind can forget sometimes, but what always remembers the trauma is the body. The one that kicked and fought off the body. The one that layed under the body. The violated body. The tortured body. The unsafe body.
was never the same. Not for me to blame.
I know that now.
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I will be forgotten and I am waiting for it. At first, you realized it or in the last, you knew about it. The time that brought you to grow always explained to you that the suffering seems like the voices you can’t hold. I will be forgotten and you knew that I am waiting for it. You tried to tell me about it. But at first, I decided to be calm in every moment I can do. The wind that blows. The sun that always let me glows. It will be remembered. but I will still be forgotten. The story that told you in every book you love just leave me memories. That’s a gift so I had to keep them as I had many glories. I will be forgotten. All I wish I could do is only tell you so it will be remembered.
Indonesia, 14th September 2021 Arif Aditya Abyan Nugroho
The only thing that sticks is the cigarette **** to my lips Its odd how you use too inhale my whole soul The only thing that use too calm your nerves was what we would lust after Our well, being us draining the very thing that let the fire be Heaven too our hell Come take what we see As a token of our time The only thing
I remember the days when you talk more while I prefer silence and listen. I remember the days where the conversation only happens through one side. I remember the days where words are warmer than a kiss and hugs. I remember the days when you prefer to side with separation. I remember the days when you try not to remember me. I remember those days. And you no longer want to remember everything.
Indonesia, 7th August 2021 Arif Aditya Abyan Nugroho