As I light my cigarette,
I remember the cause
for my addiction for self sabotage


In the same way that I cannot kick this habit
When my lungs exhale and the smoke floats away

the memories of You always stay.

Sabotaging me in its own violent but beautiful way...

© John Paul Fraser

Lighting my cigarette just ignites the reason I started.

I still remember
Waking up at 4:30 am
Going to work
Rogue river
You absolutely beautifully asleep
Your sleepy goodbye kiss
“Text me when you get there”
I still remember
The ecstatic feeling
Of moving in with you
Sleeping next to you
Waking up next to you
Spending everyday
With you
I still remember
How you would
Tell me you love me
It’s 3:30 am
And I still
All those fucking memories
They eat me
You create me
I’m independent
But so broken

I know what I did wrong
How I pushed you away
I would do anything to undo it.
I need you.
All of you.
Friend or more.
You’re my world and I miss my world
I miss my happiness
Your clinginess
Your stoned laugh

Just please
Tell me
One day
I can be someone you love.
All over again.

I can't miss the way you sound
or the way you'd mess around
It's not yet time for a haunting
You're not the shadow that I've been wanting.
You're as good as dead to me
when your spirit isn't even free.
I know that's wrong to say,
I'm not wishing for it to be this way.
We'd both rather be a memory
yet you stick around for every anniversary.
Can you please just disappear?
Your face is a reminder I don't want.
Your eyes are always so full of cheer.
Why can't you just stop acting happy?
Every thing you do just makes me feel crappy
because I can't just let this go.
It's stopping me from trying to grow.
It's attacking my thoughts
It's destroying my image of you
and at this point I wish you knew
that no matter how much I hate your sound
or how much I hate the fucking around,
How much I hate the way you smile
and how you manage to run another mile,
when you have to make me feel like I'm wrong
and when you make me feel like I don't belong.
Then there's all the things you say
that make me want to walk away.
No matter how much I hate certain things you wear
or how much I hate the way you go about your hair.
No matter what you do,
it will always be hard to accept you.
After what I've made myself think
and after how you always manage to make me shrink.
It's like to you I'm a bug
and nothing will ever change that smug look on your face.
It's for that reason that I know there's not a place
for me in your world.
I know you don't care
and in a sense I guess that's fair.

I wrote this in 2013 and I was around 14 then, I can't imagine what kind of adolescent pain I was in but I vaguely remember the boy that broke my heart this way.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not really here.
Whether it be the lack of self assurance or the constant fear.
I feel like I don't really matter.
To help myself not shatter.
I remember.
Those lovely, lonely nights in December.
I reminisce.
In how I used to enjoy this.
In how I used to be.
I used to be me.
I used to be me loving you.
And at some point that became so untrue.

These memories are not perfect.
Yet they are mine.
Things of the past made me feel like shit,
I was never fine.
But these memories belong to me.
They make me who I am.
I just need to remember who I am.

I really love the girl next to me.
Aleeza 1d

there are clock ticks somewhere in the back of my mind
moonlight is catching in your shoulders and knuckles
we both have no idea of the time
and we both don’t mind

I hum a melody I thought I’ve long forgotten
as you tap out a rhythm I know too well
it feels like an eternity since our gazes met
a lifetime since we said any words

you ask me what we are doing
and all I can think is tormenting ourselves
pulling away from touch
depriving ourselves of the sweetness of dreams

a hundred delirious thoughts run through my mind
would your mouth taste of sunsets and cotton candy skies?
will your fingers feel electric against my spine?
would your heart beat with mine?

your tapping is calmer now
pressing little points into my skin
I tell you to meet my gaze
and when you look up
I can see the same questions in your eyes

because I know that you’re afraid of such ideas
I edge a bit closer to your cross-legged form
and without the hesitation that plagued me for years
I kiss you with all the moonlight and shadows

you don’t pull away the way I expected you to
but I don’t pull you into me more
because I am afraid that I will ruin the petal-like softness of your mouth
I am afraid that you will break under me
and spill all of your wonder onto my sky-blue sheets

I keep my hands clenched in my lap
but you like adventures all too much
and yours are tracing roadmaps across my skin
sending pinpoints of life across every portion that you touch

you break the melding of our mouths
and you hum a dark tune against my collarbone
my hands find a way inside the softness of your shirt
you’re alive in all of the places I explore

shaky fingers find where my pulse is strongest
I feel like a gunshot has gone off somewhere and the bullet is through me
too close, i think, all too close
and it's the hardest thing to keep breathing

my shirt is now entangled with the sheets
and my back goes rigid at the thought
of your touch going over the scars i had hidden for more than a decade
of the secrets i don't talk about with anyone

so i slip your shirt over your head to take my thoughts away
I run my hands over every inch of space as if i am writing our history
but yours are holding onto my waistband
and I feel like crying out of fear of your judgment

but you don't judge a thing
you only trace the lines on the inside of my thighs and the backs of my knees
you tell me that someday you will paint every single line
for i will remember you in my words and you will remember me in those

and i laugh, on the verge of tears
because here you are
someone with the sun in his smile and decades of mysteries in his words
and you make me feel like i am the world
all of its light and its lost beauty and its shadows
I am porcelain in the silvery light
and you hold me so I wouldn't shatter
my eyes wander over the planes of your features
and yet again I wonder

if anyone will see you the way that i do
lost in the winding path of his own making
a delicate soul who refuses to sleep because of curiosity about the universe
an enigma who cannot be unraveled

will they know what it takes for the corners of your mouth to tip into a smile
will they know of the ideas that plague your mind
will they know you beyond what everyone else saw

our mouths meet again amidst how tangled we are with each other
and I think I might believe in magic
as I etch the curves of your name into the back of my mind
we sing the darkness of our dreams

I may be unsure of thousands of thoughts every single day
but I will now wake up knowing
that I can be sure of you.

When you make
a memory
use the very best
materials available,
select the ingredients
mix them
take your time
and over time,
as you hone your craft,
you will make less mistakes
and create something

When you make a memory take each opportunity as it arises, don't hesitate, but be ready to grasp each moment, each nettle, whatever's to hand and to celebrate the here and the now - don't be tempted to wait for that perfect moment,
because it's here.

The most precious memories can come slow or fast. Whatever way works for you.
Aleeza 2d

abandoned flower fields and the lazy afternoon sun
our footsteps falling into a steady rhythm
we are almost like music in this place of lost
and neither of us seem to remember

my fingers touch the edges of your hand
trying to establish a connection that I have long craved
and normally it is not okay
but this time you let mine fit in the spaces between yours

we find a place of solace and dry grass
you are a mere inches away but I am still afraid
still afraid of what this is
still unsure of what it may be

we’re both a little tipsy, I must admit
you lie down on the ground and count the grooves in my spine
and I try to think of something to say
but  all my years of words have failed me now

is it okay?
are we really okay?
because it has been a while
and a lot of things have changed
but I still don’t know if we are right

all they have said is that this isn’t how it’s supposed to be
this isn’t how things line up in their world
but we have a world of our own
and I would give anything to be entangled in it

this is the only time we can really escape
from the stares that will judge who we are
from the expectations that we never plan to meet
this is the only time that I can belong to you.

Finally, after 4 years of continues battle, was there finally peace.
Soldiers rose from the trenches, with their faces still full of dirt.
They shook hands with their counterparts and then walked away
From the horrors that they endured for those 4 years.
Many brave soldiers died during that war.
They will never be forgotten.
Neither will those who fought for their country.


clouds dance across the sky.
i think of that song
and your eyes.

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