I remember that night
he was drunk
and couldn't even think straight
He said he loved life
and everything about it
I wanted him to say
that he loved me
But he didn't
Instead I told him
that I loved him
because I knew
He wouldn't remember my words
And I was right
"What A Night!", he told me the next day
Smiling because he couldn't remember
He couldn't remember
that he breaks my heart everyday
Do you still feel the smell of those flowers at night?
Do you still feel the same air passing through body?
Do you still hear my voice calling you?
Do you still hear those goofy voices I made to make you laugh?
Do you still remember the naughty things we did?
Do you still remember ringing doorbells and running here and there like crazy?
Do you not remember the snow fights wearing those blue matching boots and pushing and slipping in ice?
Do you not remember catching butterflies and then leaving them and planting roses and marigolds?
Do you not remember the matches we played in hot sun
with our skin tanned?
Do you not remember building castles and destroying them ?
Do you not remember making fun of each other and scaring?
Do you not remember stealing each-others ice-creams and saying sorry?
Do you not remember?
People don't really ever change
They stay the same
They have one home they go back too
One smell that brings them back when they close their eyes
There's always one lover they remember more than others
Always that one home cooked meal that they crave
One person they long to see after years apart
There's one gravestone they will fix the crooked flowers of
One old friend they wish they hadn't lost track of over time
There is always the same roots to one tree even if the branches fall off
People don't really ever change
I remember your eyes,
I remember your face.
Dark and so fine,
When you look away.
I remember your cheeks,
How they would blush.
I remember your hands,
Soft to the touch.
I remember your face,
Defines pure beauty.
Warm as the rain,
I remember your heart,
Despite your scars,
You never left us.
I remember your hair,
Hazed like love’s leaves.
Don’t mean to stare,
Just want you to see,
You are beautiful,
You have a place.
Shy as usual,
You’re all I chase.
The size of Allah,
Is more than my little mind can handle, it makes me stay in awe
We are but none existent if you would compare
Just remember, my children, to fulfill your prayer
His mercy if far bigger than his wrath
He wants us to stick to his path
The path which he has picked for us,
So do not follow the devil, for he only means us harm
My children,educate yourselfs and think of God, he keeps us warm
Think about all blessings you have recieved
Even the ones you wouldn't have believed in
For your own sake, please don't commit sin
It is far better to be righteous and pure
Righteous deeds are for a sick heart some kind of cure
Indeed, he is the one who created the heaven with might
And he is the one who constantly expands it. Has this switched a light ?
This is just one of many signs you can find
Now rest, it is already night...
Let us sleep, then tomorrow do what's right
if you were to ask me right now if i still loved you
i would not be able to answer
everyone who has asked me to this point has gotten the same answer
i don't know
maybe i do but in a different way
i have no time to really assess if i still do
you'd think after a few years
declaring to all the world that i don't anymore
you'd think that i mean it
that i am sure now of what i say
but there are moments that i question myself
is everything i've denied actually true?
there are days that i silently wish
hundreds of thoughts rushing to try to become the one i deem best
scenes i could probably write but deny myself the chance to
i might never fully admit it but there are so many things that i want to tell you about
like how my day went and interesting facts i found and that funny thing that happened
like how some people stress me out and how i'm almost always angry and the feeling that my heart is giving out
like how i miss you but i know that i can't keep a conversation going
like how i want to cling while i'm also stepping away
and on those days i understand
that what i want to talk about is mildly intriguing
barely enough to last more than an hour at best
that we are both busy and too preoccupied with other matters
almost drowning in a sea of responsibilities we cannot abandon
that some things are better kept to myself
because i know that they are of no importance to you
and sometimes i fear
that you feel the same way about me
there are days that i want to keep trying
i have no idea where that could take me
if any of it is worth my time and my exhaustion
but i still try
still rack my brain for anything to say
still try to find common ground when already we are bored of each other
still stay up to talk even as my body groans in protest
still support the things that you do and the choices that you make
still understand why you shut me out when all i ever did was let you in
still try to arrange meetings just for us so we can at least converse without the distance
and on those days i don't get much
i try to make excuses for it but i'm starting to lose ways to go around them
because no matter how many times i try i find myself bearing more weight than you do
i have learned to know when to stop initiating conversation
i have learned that we are more different than we made out to be
i have learned that i stay up far too late for a reply that will never come
i have learned that my support isn't what you are looking for
i have learned that you will never let me in
i have learned that i will be waiting for nothing in the agreed meeting places
there are days that i want to cave in
i want to tell you of my hurt and hope that you can comfort me
tell you about how hard it is to breathe sometimes
tell you about the burden i should stop pretending i could tolerate
tell you about the how it's gotten worse these past few months
tell you about how i need something, someone to cling to
tell you about how there are hard weeks that make me want to be held for a long time
and on those days i close myself to the world
choosing not to tell you any of that
choosing not to tell anyone that
because everyone else will worry
fuss over me and try to convince me that things will be better
because i know that you won't
and i don't blame you
i have been difficult and confusing and i seemed so intent on not healing
but it would have been nice to know that you will be there for me
trying to, at least
there are days that i want to forget
completely put in the past and never remember
but they always haunt me
always try to remind me of what was done
like how you forget everything until the very last minute
like how you put certain things before me time after time
like how i let you choose even when it hurt me
and on those days i knew how to accept
i will always forgive even with the lack of an apology
because who am i really to you?
who am i to demand attention, to demand time?
i have no right to it, that much i know
so i forgive again and again
always having hope for the next time around
trying to drown out the voices that say that i am little more to you than something occasionally important
because i know that it isn't true
you can still remember little facts about me even when i've forgotten that i ever told you
you can still see me in so many things that you always bring them up to me
you can still stand by me as i make decisions that are particularly hard
you can still talk to me despite the rift i caused
you can still say that you are immensely proud of who i've become
and sometimes, i think
you, who fought to save us, save what remnants of what we used to have
you, who never hesitated to tell me i was important whenever i doubted it
you, who would surprise me with small gestures that i would remember weeks after
you, who found my stories amusing when very few others did
you, who would read everything i wrote and believed in me more than i could
and sometimes, i remember
that i would probably go to the ends of the world to find someone who can be there for you
listen to you and understand you and remind you to rest
support you and give you feedback and get you smiling as much as possible
someone to know all the little quirks and all the things that make you who you are
someone to stay unlike the others who left
i remember that they asked why i wanted to do that when i could be that for you
i remember answering that there are things i cannot be for you and that there are things you cannot be for me
i remember saying that you will always be that light i want to protect
for you may surround yourself in shadow but i know of the flicker in you
and there are things that i can never be sure about
like the best times to talk or how to predict reactions from you
but i am sure of one thing, at least
i am sure that i will keep you
and that i will try to make what we have better than what it is now
i still don't have a clear answer for the question
and i guess i will never have one
for now, i hope that all i've said will be enough.
If you lost all sensory capability next week,
how would you prepare?
it's an insane thing to think about,
not being in the same universe as the rest.
you won't be in a universe at all, it might feel like,
you'd just be floating, unable to feel pressure
unable to feel a hug
or the head of a dog
or even your feet on the ground
You'd be left alone with your thoughts,
And with no external stimuli,
Would you remember,
Or forget everything you've ever loved?
the lukewarm sun will waltz through cotton-made
and fading mountains. grey with rage and ache,
our dunes will jolt, with force they rattle quick.
the hills diffuse from time to time in crumbs
and grant our star permissions, parcels, moles
on skin to gleam upon and blaze across.
Do you ever think of me?
Do you think of me when you have breakfast at a local diner?
Do you think of me when you order Cheerwine?
Do you think of me every year on December 23rd?
Do you think of me on December 31st?
If you do,
What does the thought of me do to you?
Does it make you happy?
Happy we are no longer in each other's lives?
Does it make you sad?
Sad we are no longer in each other's lives?
What do you think every year on the 23rd of December?
Do you see that as an anniversary of your last suicide attempt?
Do you see that as just any other day?
What do you think every year on the 31st of December?
Do you see that as the day your partner wanted to kill themself?
Do you know that you're the reason they wanted to kill themself?
Do you ever think of me?
I think of you.