I can't recall what I did
When you fill my head with lies
Recollection, it won't happen
When these haunted eyes pull back
That flesh canvas turns black
As the starless night
I see your bare face right there
Clear, as in a lucid dream
I lose control to passion
You knew you left our bedroom
With the gas turned on
Your face --
I want to smash it
I won't wander where I go
In darkness, alone
With a gaslight
The plants that I tended to all summer long,
They were all so fragrant and beautiful and strong.
But somewhere along the way, I forgot they were there
And when they started to wilt, I just didn't care.
I probably could have saved the plants if I had tried.
But I didn't, and so it is my fault that they didn't survive.
My brother had everything going for him, nothing was wrong.
He was so full of life and beautiful and strong.
I felt that little tug, but I ignored it and walked away.
I was the last one to see him alive that day.
I still feel like I could have saved him if I had tried.
But because I didn't stay, that was the day that he died.
My apathy is what killed them, and I know that this is true.
But I can't stop feeling nothing, I just don't know what to do.
The more things that die, the more things that I kill.
But I don't know how to stop this, so I keep standing still.
This is what we all deserve
The path is long
You think you've given me that
Is for yourself
To think that you've done nothing wrong
That I'm not sitting here in Tears because of you
I'm not at peace
Not with you
They respect me
They show me kindess
They give me warmth
It goes both ways
Your warmth is nothingness
Your kindness is fake
Your respect is to yourself
When will you learn?
Their embrace give me hope
Yours makes me cry
Not because of what happened
but how I let myself down again
How much I hate your arms wrapped around me
You make me hate everything that is you
I'd blame it on you
You blame others
When will you learn?
You're not in control
They have their own way to go
As I have mine
You lost my permission to run alongside with me
In the World that is my Home
It should go both ways
Your ignorance isn't bliss
The Blame Game©
I am irate, I want to be angry.
Something has set me off
And I want someone to be responsible
To be the target of my rage
I just want to let loose
To vent this unexplained feeling
It is like a storm that has brewed
And now like a tornado wants to become a twister
To unleash that which has been pent up
Now looking for someone to thrust my energy upon
A nameless victim who doesn’t even see it coming
Who will be the benefactor of the thrust released
Likely someone who is close like a spouse or a friend
Or maybe a complete stranger
Unaware of the catalyst
That will spark this verbal assault
I just need that someone who will listen
To my frustration, my angst, my worries
Hear what I have to say and just be
The voice of reason
And as time passes
As I journal and negotiate with myself
It has begun to dissipate, to unravel
And the storm has passed
There is no one to blame
It was all part of the game.
Don't bet your money on something fake
You know the horrors that await.
Don't play your cards for a plastic game
It's worthless to mend what you'll break.
Unempathetic for your empathies,
Passed so roughly onto me.
I can see through everything,
Every lie you give to me.
You played your cards and hurt me
I played my songs and cursed these
Little cards so flimsy
Like your every word to me.
I have looked, over and over,
I've screened my body
I don't like what I see.
I stopped eating and blamed myself,
It changed bit by bit
And I still do not like it...
I have been told I'm too much,
I'm too dark, too broken
I want to change my image.
I stopped talking and blamed myself
People do like me more this way
But I started writing again...
Then I understood :
I don't have to please others
When I'm the one living with myself.
Not all puzzles are made
to be solved
have a solution
some too easy
others too complicated
But jig-saws like her
you can't solve those
and you better not try
that is unless
you want to be
for the chaos you find
in each solution
Oh and the chaos in her voice
i was a boys who....
i was the only boy
peace in her chaos
love in that peace
Her voice was fire
That was when
the beauty of her noise
first rained on my dry heart
the time she walked away
her last words unclear
but her voice
still strikes me
days and nights
still is for those who receive it
a true curse it has proven to be
I smile, and do what I'm told.
I'll be what you want me to be.
Can you see the emptiness behind my sparkling eyes?
The sparkles aren't real, they are from tears.
I don't have a choice but to keep surviving.
This mind of mine is deeper than most dare to swim.
People tried to swim with me but they end up drowning under the crashing waves.
They blame me....
If only they could see I didn't cause these tsunamis with in my soul.
You swam against the tide for a short while with me and gave up.
I've been swimming against those crashing waves most my life.
You panic and shove me down under the water to save yourselves.
Maybe if you can't see me then you won't have to deal with trying to save me.
I hold onto whatever debris I find floating in the ocean. I'm a fighter. I'll keep swimming.
I'll keep grasping for air.
Just because you close your eyes and pretend not to see me drowning doesn't mean I'm not dying right in front of you.
I can't make the waves stop but I can learn to surf them and appreciate the beauty of the journey.
For I will get to shore one day.
I will stand firm on my own 2 feet one day.
Watch me... with or without you.
I will rise above this.