I spent too many nights waiting,
For you to finally be,
The person that I needed,
But you were never there for me.
I wasted countless hours,
Laying awake in the dark,
Favouring the words you spoke,
Holding onto every spark.
I wanted every moment,
To stay perfect in my mind,
And they did until the day,
You decided to leave me behind.
I picked up the pieces of my heart,
And with thread woven with blame,
I stitched it back together;
Since then it has not been the same.
Now it's covered in cracks and scars,
And I place the fault on you,
Occasionally it falls apart,
That's just what broken hearts do.
I watch these fleeting scenes flit behind my eyes.
Moments where I've captured you.
The silence is unbearable.
I can't undo hurt.
Taking blame is losing my pride.
I'd give it all.
I've thrown it all away.
You lie there, in a troubled slumber.
I brace for the next slide.
Trauma on replay.
Please don't leave.
Little girls shouldn't be up at 2,
alone in their room
eyes going dry,
and don't know what to do.
Not on their birthday
really not any day.
Wondering what they did wrong,
and only loving sad songs.
Honey you're not the problem.
There's nothing you could do.
It can't be your fault.
You're way too young
to be so bruised.
Maybe not on your body
only visible to you.
Put those tears back,
and have your own party.
Don't blame yourself
for what you can't understand
place it on a shelf,
or cry if you want to.
But either way
You shouldn't be up at 2,
For the things in the other room.
i am intoxicated and
i am screaming your name
talking about you with
people i do not know
that includes myself too
i didn't need a glass of whiskey
or a bottle of vodka
just a box full of your memories
would always suffice
to kill me twice
they'd talk about moving on
you'd talk about it too
but you & i
we both know
that is something we have never gotten used to
i sit here and laugh
as tears flow down my cheeks
and they look at me
like i've lost my sanity
with just a single dose of clarity
indeed they see your creation
the monster they see in my eyes
that you have single handedly
created with lies & love
and all of its pain
you may claim how
it was all me
how i was the criminal
in all your stories
how i killed you in every game
but baby you made the rules
of every game which
you chose to play
and lied about the reality
which we had made
i do not know if you
can forget me
i know i can’t even try
but what have you done
with both of our lives
how was it so easy
to lie to someone
as true to you as me
no guilt of any action
no guilt of any lie
you broke a perfect man
who was at war
with your demons
fighting a war not his
to bring you peace
a lie leads to a hundred
and so i wonder why
and how many stories
you filled up with your lies
I want to blame this feeling
This tongue tied nausea inside me
On the alcohol
On this hangover
But a small part of me
The same part that told me
To put the shots down
And that beer is a bad chaser
Whispers that maybe it’s not the hangover at all
Maybe I have a flesh eating virus
Or a tape worm
Maybe it’s kinda like that but kinda not
Like maybe my regrets are eating me alive
From the inside out
Maybe there is a parasite in me
Or perhaps I am said parasite.
I give up on asking for your forgiveness
If you'll just make me feel less and less
You don't deserve such kindness
You should not drag me into your mess
I'm sorry I lost my patience
That I awoken and came to my senses
That between you and I
I'm the one who is to die
From all of your stupid lies
Lies I believed and relied
I'm such an idiot I got blind
from my love and ignored my mind
I should have been wiser
I should have been smarter
I should have known you're a player
I should have known you're a gamer
You kept on blaming all of it to me
You kept on saying it was me
You kept on making me believe I am the problem
You kept on lying to me now it's proven
It wasn't me who's at fault
It's you! You are the cunt
Now you can't deceive me like the old times
I'm now awake and back to my fucking senses
The lights were dim,
and the noise was loud,
crowds of people all around.
I lost my way in the throng,
bourne along on the beat of the night.
Cigarettes needed, I left the bar
suddenly there you are.
You tried to chat I wanted none of that
just my smokes and a familiar face,
I tried with grace to let you know
move on, just go.
Just then I I knew my mistake,
you grabbed my arm and hissed in my face
“My name is John”
I tried to smile use some guile,
but you were hell bent, and all that I did seemed to provoke.
I choked the fear down, when I realised we were alone,
how did you get me here?
Wedged between the wall and the cigarette machine.
Croaks were all that I could summon as you undid my buttons,
frozen in fear, switched off from here.
Fight or flight?
Neither just fright.
I remember your smell, your touch, your words
I wanted to scream GO TO HELL but nothing came out.
The kisses were the worst,
no matter how hard I tried to move my head away
your lips, your tongue found their target.
Bruising me, pushing me, grabbing me, groping me
As you pinned my hands behind my back, I gave up,
Just like that.
I remember the way the ice looked on the street that night.
The dullness of poorly lit lights paired with too much Seagrams 7 made it shine just enough to mesmerize sunken eyes.
Just enough to convince you to stay.
Just enough it convinced me to stay.
Again, In the home I couldn't seem to escape.
Didn’t want to escape.
Back inside, dodging objects to stay alive.
Different sizes, different aims.
It was not just a game.
The monster I somehow loved,
dragging me away from all that is and was real.
I thought he was real.
The same monster who didn't love me,
in that cold house,
on that icy street.
To be in love and to be loved are far from the same,
like you and me.
Before the ice is really the one to blame.