Sexual violence isn’t a mistake, but it’s dealt with by an accident claims organisation.
ACC, you might think you’re right, but I disagree.
He did not trip and fall, that’s not an explanation.
Sexual abuse, for a while there, stole my sexual exploration.
I would go to a counsellor’s office and nervously drink herbal tea,
waiting to be seen, by ACC, an accident claims organisation.
They ask me my story, it’s quite the fixation.
It hurts for me to talk, you’re meant to help me.
A new stab in old wounds, is a poor medication.
They tell me they have to - ask about the penetration,
they need to poke and prod me with questions of PTSD.
I need a mental injury, cos y’know, ACC is an accident claims organisation.
I tell them it hurts, it’s invasive. My frustration.
They tell me they’re sorry but it’s “necessary”.
I’m in pain and for what? A poor explanation.
ACC, we don’t deserve your mental mutilation,
You’re our only option, other counselling costs, we don’t have the money.
You’re meant to be a helpful organisation.
And hurting us to help us is a shitty explanation
My heart feels broken into a million pieces...
did you think about that Daddy before you stole my innocence.. Did you think about how this would affect me? Did you even care? How could you... how could you do this to me. Did I not matter? Did you think I just wouldn't remember. What if I didn't remember. Wouldn't you remember..? Wouldn't that break your own heart. It should. I was your little girl. You should of loved me, protected me, showed me my worth. Not hurt me & leave me with forever scars in my soul. My soul is bleeding... I bandaged up my wounds for as long as I could. Now I have to face it. My pain, my sadness, my anger. You made me fear trusting anyone & everyone. You betrayed my trust. You violated me. Was I not enough to spare such humiliation? What did I ever do to you. I was 5. You should of been my protector not my intruder. I feel sadness for you. Because you must not have peace within your own soul after doing that. Guess what Daddy.. I do matter. I will rise above this. I hope you know you broke my heart forever... I Pray God forgives you. I'm working on forgiving you. Through this pain I will find my strength. I don't want to make the world darker to anyone like you did to me... I want to shine light into everyone's darkness. Humans matter. I matter. I deserve peace & I'm going to find it. You poured lies into my heart that I was worthless and only worthy for my body. I'm much more than that. I matter. I fucking matter & I will rise above this ❤️️
You sit in choir up in your holy place of honor.
Does your heart hurt every time you see me?
Or are you unaffected.. like all that happened was nothing. Something you can just shrug off as a mistake, like forgetting to take the trash out.
You can't give back what you took away.
I don't even want an apology, I just want some acknowledgement that it happened so I have the simple courtesy to know I'm not crazy. When things seem good it feels like a Mirage
It's there but gone just as quickly.
Can I trust my eyes or heart?
I've been betrayed before.
It makes you question everything & everyone
Can I trust you?
I don't know.
Don't make me hate you.
Because I don't hate ppl
I just hate myself.
I punish myself for not being "good enough."
Maybe I'm good just as I am
And you are the one that isnt good enough
You don't just sexually abuse a child...
I pray for your soul,
I'm sure you aren't at peace either.
Sadness ... I feel sadness for a broken world.
They keep telling me I'm brave.
That my determination will get me to shore..
That I'm inspiring.
I don't feel brave.
I feel weak. Like I'm hanging on a thin thread.
It's a dark lonely place where I'm at.
I have no choice but to just keep going.
I so desperately want this all to be over.
The sad reality is that it won't ever "be gone."
Maybe the wounds will heal over time but I know there will always be scars left on my soul.
I keep doing all the scary vulnerable things.
I feel dead already anyways.
Might as well give something else a try.
I'm so tired. So so so tired.
It all feels dark.
I'm told there's light somewhere in the distance, so I just have to blindly have faith and believe that there actually is.
Some days though, I have a hard time believing.
Have you walked in my darkness?
Can you feel my pain?
Brave or not, I want to give up.
My soul yearns for some rest.
I can't use my old coping mechanisms.
So I'm stuck with all these feelings of pain.
It's suffocating me.
Does anyone see my pain?
I don't know how to tell you.
But please don't make me show you.
Cause oh I could show you...
but it wouldn't be pretty and I might as well be dead because I wouldn't really be present anymore.
Somebody please help me.
be with me in the darkness and shine some light and hope.
Cause some days I really want to put myself out of misery.
Oh my souls yearns for some rest.
I sat on the floor and stared at myself in the mirror. I could no longer ignore the pain behind those beautiful brown eyes. All the pain and confusion I'd run from for what felt like eternity; was now placed right in front me. I finally allowed the raw emotions to rush over me. It was fruitless to keep trying to fight against the waves. I let them crash all around & over me. It felt like it would drown me but the gentle pure spirit inside me told me I will be ok, it won't consume me. I looked in the mirror once again and what I saw now was a little girl. She looked really sad & confused. She had realized what was done to her was wrong & not how adults love children. She looked very scared and confused. "I'm sorry" I told her. I tried to protect you for as long as I could. But these dark secrets are killing us. We have to face it. The only way to cross over the ocean to the land of peace is to swim through it all. Don't worry, I got you, we're going to make it across. I'm not going to lie, it's going to be a long painful journey. She looked terrified upon realizing the betrayal that had been done to her, not knowing who she could now trust.. Her sweet innocence still flowed through her though, she ran into my arms & I held her as she wept & wept. I hugged her tight & cried with her. There aren't words to describe the pain we both felt. "You feel all wrong but you aren't." You're stronger than you know. You've been carrying someone else's shame for far too long. Time to unload all the junk. You're not a landfill; you are a beautiful garden. Cutting off the weeds on the ground never made them go away. We have to tend to the garden & pull out all the stuff that doesn't belong there from the roots. The little tiny soldier within me let out a long loud sigh, as if she had never exhaled before. I trembled & said "You're going to be ok, you're world isn't falling apart, it's actually falling into place. We will ride the waves together. It's time to shine light on that darkness. There's beauty & strength from this pain. We are survivors & warriors. Together with other warriors we will win this battle. We are not alone like we feel. Others have journeyed across before us and made it to shore. We will too. You're not alone.
The memories haunt me.
Those hands of confusion taunt me.
Who gave you the right to degrade me to a mere object for yourself?
You left claw marks on my heart & soul.
That little mind of mine did what it could
to protect itself from destruction.
Yet your poison ran through my veins.
I tried vomiting & starving those feelings.
Unfortunately the remedy is not that simple.
The antidote is very painful & there's no way around it.
Even though I'm barely breathing right now.
That antidote light is starting to grow & soon there will be a fierce fire within me.
I will burn the poison you placed in my soul.
I may be left with scars but I will no longer be choking on your poison of confusion.
Many males before you have taken my little hand & walked with me. They smiled at me.
And reassured me they were good. This was ok. What choice did I have but to trust them. I was a child who was learning how the world worked. I was lost in the woods and needed someone to guide me on the right path. I innocently trusted with all my heart. I saw all the good in the world. I was yet to realize the darkness that peeked behind many corners. They made sure to build my trust first then slowly they started going off the path & taking me alone into the dark woods to do things to me that I couldn't understand. In my soul it felt wrong, something was off. But Daddy knows best. Brother knows best. Cousins know best. Neighbor knows best. Preacher knows best. Always taught to listen to my elders, it got beaten into me. Even a year older than me... they are in charge. You got that. Absolutely must respect all adults, especially males. They are the kings of the castle. You are more of a Cinderella. Know your place in the world. When I met you, the little girl in me was very guarded & cautiously watched you. She was wondering when you would also flip and use us for your liking, like a Wolf in Sheep's clothing. You gently & patiently held out your hand and said, here let me help you, nobody should be walking around alone lost in the woods. At first she said no thank you, I'll walk next to you with some distance where I'm safer. After some time she began trusting you more and more. But she promised herself, don't be stupid and naive ever again.. be careful, you've been betrayed so many times before. After tripping a few times and you helping her up and not expecting anything in return. She decided maybe just maybe you could be trusted. She couldn't seem to quench her longing for comfort & connection no matter how hard she tried to kill it. She cautiously took your hand, almost closing her eyes just in case, waiting for the worst to happen. Nothing bad happened. Actually good, kind gentle loving guidance happened. You protected me from the darkness and whatever tried to attack me. You never once took me off the path in the dark woods alone. No... you held my hand and showed me how I was suppose to be treated, how to fend for myself and walk in the light. Walking in the light has been so beautiful & peaceful. The warmth of the sun on my face, the smell of flowers & trees, wind on my face. Nobody is meant to walk in the dark woods alone. No we were created to walk in the light.
sometimes i forget that i
desire me, require me
am i not the oxygen that keeps you alive
the very oxygen that could set you alight
skin on skin,
right left and centre
blazing trails along my spine
set my lungs on fire
watch as i burn alive
from my stomach to my throat
burn me up, liquified fire
melting into my brain, setting my nerves aflame