i am an over thinker. most times, it’s hard to shut my brain off, but then there are times where my brain actually shuts off; my mind goes blank as i sit there. numb. i don’t know which i hate more.
when i start thinking, my brain goes on and on about everything and nothing at all. one thing leads to another and i can’t do anything but sit there and let the thoughts consume me. i let myself feel. i let my thoughts convince me that certain stuff are true and i start to wonder about things that shouldn’t even matter. at that moment, i want nothing but to be left alone because i start to hate absolutely everything and everyone, mostly myself.
then, there are the times when my brain just shuts off; i can’t think, i can’t feel. i’m distracted by everything, but not quite paying attention to anything. if i’m alone, i stare blankly at the wall or the ceiling or whatever it is that i am facing at the moment. if i am with people, i stare at them talking or moving, but i do not take in anything that is going on around me. i do not feel as if i am alive. at that moment, i am only breathing.
i say i do not know which i hate more because thinking too much makes me wish i would die, but being numb already makes me feel dead.