Eternally slipping deeper
Into sleepless abyss
My vile mind can't find peace
Awake but paralysed
Taming fury that abides
Cold to the core
What it's all for
I'm sorry for being an idiot
I'm sorry for being rebellious
I'm sorry that I'm not who you have always thought I would be.
I'm sorry that was you see in me,
Is not what's true.
I'm sorry that I'm a failure
I'm sorry that I'm lazy
I'm sorry that I'm a disappointment.
And don't say I'm not,
You're not allowed to.
Not if you think these things in your head.
Even if it only happened once.
You say these things in your head,
And I'm sorry that I have to tell you that they transfer into your words.
You don't have to say it for it to be true.
You don't have to say anything ever.
So I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm so rebellious and terrible.
I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you thought I would be.
But have you noticed?
The more I say I'm sorry
The less true it is
And the less it means to you.
We've both taken too much time to say sorry.
BOTH of us.
Don't blame it all on me.
And I won't blame it all on you.
We are both at fault.
But it doesn't matter.
Because even if you DO read this,
You won't say anything.
We're both really good at going behind each other's backs.
I'm sorry I'll never be who you want.
But that's fine.
Fine to me. Your son.
Because I was never gonna be who you wanted anyway.
Slithering is the sound I hate to hear
On the ground, perhaps everywhere
At the lake, I barely walk near
Hearing the snouts, I wouldn't dare
I love the sea but too scared to be a meal
Of the razor teeth gliders, ready to kill
I've stopped picking coconuts recently
As the buzzing hard-shelled falls on me willingly
Right when I thought to pick some flowers
There came charging angry little towers
Noon is when I sit outside with my hot tea
The silent blood suckers happen to be
Out from their dark little camps
I am really fed up of these stinging vamps!
"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Is that what you say?
When I was lying in bed, covered in my own blood, choking on my despair. When it hurt too much to speak or eat because there was no skin left on my lips. When they were so messed up at school the next day that I had to lie to my friends, that I had to lie about the scars that I'd caused, the scars that I would tear off when I was upset, only to be replaced by deeper ones.
Does that sound strong to you?
When my arguments at home were so bad that my mother thought I hated her, that when I tried to apologise I broke down for fear of messing up and making things worse. When my father stormed into my room, finding me in tears and hyperventilating yet still screamed at me for making my mother cry. When I passed out, waking in my mothers arms on my bedroom floor with my sister and my father having a screaming match. When everyone was crying but me because I was so far past crying that I couldn't move.
So you think that was strong?
When my best-friend turned against me, jealous that I had known our shared friends longer, claiming that I hit and bullied her, that I abused and threatened her, leaving me friendless and alone in a class of people that I'd never thought to become closer to. When I was called to see the head teacher, confused and eager to look after someone I called my best-friend, but was accused of smashing her head against a brick wall and dragging her across the floor and I was too stunned to defend myself, and ended up having multiple panic attacks, and sat there blubbering like a fool, thinking that I was going to be expelled over my best-friend's lies.
Do you think I felt strong?
So next time you hear someone say,
"oh, well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"
to shut the hell up.
Air space empty,
Only smoke in my lungs.
Try filling a bottomless pit.
Got nothing to give.
Glass is prettiest when broken,
Step hard enough and you can feel the shattered beauty in your soul.
I open the abyss and only words of futile follow.
Lack of substance.
Constant state of paralysis.
Body cold & callous not intentional.
Hey little man.
When you were born, my mom wouldn't drive me out to the hospital to see you.
I was so excited to see you I could hardly sleep.
You were the tiniest baby I had ever seen (and the cutest with those dimples of yours).
I was so proud to have a little brother, and not be
an only child on my dads side of the family.
You were my blood. Well, half of my blood anyway.
When I held you for the first time, I was so scared that I had to sit
down because I didn't want to break you.
When your mom, dad, and I brought you home,
we introduced you to our dogs Remi and JJ.
JJ was immediately protective over you. She loved you, booger.
One night, your mom asked me to watch you while
she and dad ran some errands.
I said it was fine, and that of course I didn't mind.
You fell asleep with your head buried in my neck
curled up in my arms.
You were only two weeks old then.
I watched you grow from two weeks to six months, to a year, to three years old.
I watched you figure out how to count to three.
How to crawl.
I watched you take your first step.
I watched you fall.
Every night I would silently tell you I love you, because you were my whole world.
Soon enough, after your sister was born, your mom
started taking me for granted.
Soon enough, you were with me every single day. Sometimes even at night.
I'd rock you to sleep when you were scared.
I'd build you a fort out of blankets and chairs when you were bored.
I'd take you for walks when your mom and dad were fighting
because you'd be crying so hard.
That must have been very scary for you and Khloe both.
I'm sorry that you have to live that life;
Of watching your parents fight and yell and scream
at each other instead of loving each other like they're supposed to.
I hope you'll remember me, little brother.
Your mom and dad made it clear that I am not going to be
a part of your life or Khloe's life.
That pain is unimaginable.
I hope that when you grow up you'll become curious and find me.
I love you so much, Landin.
You have absolutely no idea how much I love you.
If you ever need anything, someone will tell you
where I am, what my number is... My address.
She will tell you, and I will be here for you.
Goodbye for now, little brother.
Your biggest (and most favorite) sister, Jordyn,
My dark lipstick is
an act to look tough
and my nose ring is a joke;
I belong to the zoo.
Twisting and screaming
I wriggle out of your tight grip, you say:
how the hell do you live with yourself
for ending up in a choking clench?
Oh, my feet must have slipped
into your lethally poisonous death grip.