BE AT PEACE WITH YOUR ADDICTIONS!
If your Love was real,
You would not be comforted so much
By your addictions.
Unfortunately,
Ten years of marriage
Resulted in you
Becoming less socially confident
And less comfortable with people in general.
Don't plunge deeply into any relationships
Unless you can reach a CONSENSUS
On the most critical aspects of life
Yes, your FRIENDS
Must be your ALLIES!
CONSENSUS sounds like a political term
But it is actually a description
Of how one becomes intimate with anyone,
Whether it be a a male friend
Or a girlfriend.
Sexual Intimacy
Is more like carpentry.....
Banging a hammer
Or turning a screw.
ANYONE can do it,
But genuine intimacy is difficult
It is dependent on authentic communication.
Let this be
The lessons you learn.
Every morning she woke up early
When emptiness would invade the court
But she would break her each sweat
Being crystal clear about her goal
Her every victory and her every loss
Made her improve from who she was
She had dreams to achieve, races to compete
She didn’t have time to give up
She recognised her weaknesses
Determined and earnest
She toiled alone each day
She worked hard to be the best
Slowly, patience seemed to wear out
The results weren’t in haste
Loss after loss gave its taste to her
She accepted it as her fate
She let the thread loose
The fire inside of her seemed to be dim
Things that she cared so much for
Seemed so far away, so slim
She was made of passion
Of a driving sensation
And all she amounts to now
Are long lost appreciations
Rage worms it's way like a dirty animal .
A pig
It smells
It overwhelming
It crawls between our veins making our blood boil.
It has a flying temper
It destroys
It destructive
We become the poison
It is black vile
It causes us to live in a place of darkness.
We are living in bondage.
The cross is the place to let go.
We can choose to either live with it .
Or let it go ..
Father forgive me for I have sinned against you and hurt the poeple I love
Please I cannot do this on my own.
Please heal my heart take this rage away.
Caused by sexual abuse
Rejection.
Physical
Mental
Emotional
Abuse
I hear by Surrender my life to you..
No matter how hard
I try to mould myself
To be more like her
The clay fails to hold
And the look you give me
Is a reminder that I keep failing you
I'm a coward I pretend I can write but I cant
i'm just a kid pretending. Real writing is about
being honest and vulnerable. I haven't been
honest with myself in a long time. Real art takes courage
and that's not something I have anymore. Why does it
have to be so complicated. So after this sentence I'll
be as open as a deep cut so listen to everything that's about
to pour out. I'm a lost boy without Neverland. Im shy, afraid
to grow up, afraid to fail , and afraid to find out who i really am.
For now I'll continue to be the pretender.
My Mom told me to go search for my brother, Rickie.
Said he had wandered on up to Denver
When his girlfriend dumped him
And he lost his job.
So,
I brought my brother's photo with me,
And boarded a bus for the Mile High City.
I thought people there would be able
To help me identify him.
When I got off the Greyhound,
I took the East Colfax bus to Downing,
And stayed at the Ramada Inn.
I could hear loud sex noises
In the room next to mine.
Apparently,
Denver had become
A Prostitution Hub
With the Natural Gas Fracking Boom.
The next day,
I went out on the Streets,
And started showing Rickie's Photo
To people on the Streets.
It wasn't too long
Before I started getting some leads.
People told me
They had seen him
Camping out along the South Platte River.
So,
I followed their directions
To find him there.
I poked my nose in the tents
Where people were camped
Along the shore.
Finally,
I peeked under one of the tents
And found my brother,
Rickie,
Sound asleep,
Next to a pile of used Heroin needles.
I screamed in horror,
And that woke him up.
He just said,
"Oh, it's you, Christy."
"What took you so long to arrive?"
It's hard for me to speak,
my heart is racing
and my stomach has
decided to disagree with me.
Then the tears fall endlessly.
I don't want to do anything.
I have tried to respect your way and obey your commands
but I could never please you, no matter how hard I tried
I have disposed almost everything to make you proud of me
but I could never please you, no matter how hard I tried
I could change my wardrobe from black to white
but I could never please you, no matter how hard I tried
I could change my personality, and allow it be more bright!
but I could never please you, no matter how hard I tried
Even if my eyelids has a lighter color of design
I could never please you, no matter how hard I tried
Even if I burned my mistakes and my past to ground
I could never please you, no matter how hard I tried
What if I cut off every limb? As payment to set you free?
I still couldn't please you, no matter how hard I tried
What if I surrendered my life and body to you?
Would that even satisfy?...
I could never please you, no matter how hard I tried....
Your Not Worth It
I made a child happy once - you failed to see it.
I pulled myself together quick after i was bullied - you failed to see it.
I was the top scorer once - you failed to see it.
I studied all night - you failed to see it
I stood up again and again when I was pulled down - but you failed to see it
I fell down once - you saw it
I took a break to escape my anxiety - you saw it
I broke down over my failures - you saw it
I stood alone not being able to converse - you saw it
You only believed what you saw.
Hence, I wasn't surprised when you saw me as a failure
Sometimes I wonder, how I will make it alone,
When all those in my life have refused to see what I have always shown?
The fact that I am ill, yes indeed it is true,
A mental illness chains me, physical illnesses too.
Depression has been a friend, for as long as I know,
Panic and anxiety, do you even need to be told?
Am I paranoid? Or is that what you want me to think?
In the next minute, I am dissociated, or cannot think.
I am over here and over there,
"Hello!" or "Goodbye",
What is seriously wrong with my mind?
Friends, they stay a distance, and I don't need them anyways,
Family? Forget it...
I lie and I lie.
I pretend that I feel nothing,
Nothing touches me,
But truth be told I am terrfied,
My heart, as if, bleeds.
Perhaps you've heard of Fibro,
Or IBS as well,
Maybe you know Chronic pain,
And a fatigue like hell.
Maybe your are familar with being in constant pain,
Maybe you know all the pills, over and over again.
"How can it be hard to get out of bed?"
"How hard can it be to ignore what's in your head?"
You won't understand, even though I've tried,
No I'm not special, especially when I'm chained to a bed.
I've been told I am older now, "Hurry up and get a job",
"You will be nothing when you get started and move on."
"Can't you just stop whining? Grow up and live life?
Can you just do something rather than sleeping and wasting time?"
"You worry about this, you cry about that, you want this but don't even try to relax."
"You are doing nothing but sitting around,
So what if you are sick? We all are, all year round."
I am the lazy, the black sheep the failure,
The worthless, dissapointment, the immature.
"I am the would have been, could have been, should have been, never was and never ever will be",
Did I really just quote a song? Indeed, I've felt what they really mean.
I am weak or stubborn, Ms. "why" and "Okay but how come?"
Believe me, there is no look or answer I've been given, that I have not sawn.
There is help out there, there are programs and places to go,
But who would want to love someone who struggles to get up and go?
Who may be sick for the rest of their lives,
Who doesn't even feel worthy of time?
People do what they have to, to go off and survive,
But the next time you want to go and ridicule someone,
Please know, they try...