I can't believe how willing you are to hurt me
Far more than any enemy in recent memory
It makes sense I guess, I've told you exactly where to attack me
Like where exactly the armor doesn't protect the body
The parts fragile and vulnerable from prior injury
Every single insecurity
Told you, embarrassingly, what I did and still do find scary
Introduced to you the shattered and fractured pieces of me that I keep tucked away for their own safety
Trusted you with parts of me that are barley held together from the last tragedy
Showed you then warned you of the socially unacceptable parts of my personality
Recalled to you the story of my journey from being bullied to becoming the bully
And how I didn't end up liking either of those me's particularly
I watched you with my son and observed how quickly he accepted you and saw you as family
Didn't hesitate to call you Mommy, it came to him then through him naturally
And I cherish that memory because I haven't been allotted many tears that fall happy
I could go on forever with the good, the bad and the ugly
But basically
I handed you a map of how to destroy me completely if need be
Then literally used the last trace of trust I had left on you not using it against me
And well,
It's with a heavy heart I present to you where that's gotten me

©2024

How lovely you look, so lit up.
I always keep my room
glowing like a subtle dream
sunset; orange, lavender, vibrant peach.
Now you're mine in the midnight hour
overcome by it, for a week.
Hoping you'll notice
the lonely pothos leaves
she's survived so much
we have both survived living with me.
I never liked this town
but you are so beloved
brought you here
now we're so above it.
Sipping on french champagne
(forgot to budget)
no worries, I'll be gone
this time next year
in some strange place with the curtain drawn
thinking of us here.

Maybe this non dairy rocky road was already laid out for me like some kind of haphazardly tossed together destiny of unfathomable tragedy
Or maybe I was too afraid to look too closely or venture too far from safety
Didn't see the blame had shifted dramatically, mostly to me, but how wrong can one guy possibly be?
And yet still I will admit, there's a possiblity the mentality I harbor is mostly negativity manifesting this reckless trajectory
No way to know for sure cause the final copy sent to the publisher was never run by me
So maybe, just maybe, it's some combination of these three, and everything you don't see but what pushed the first domino is beyond me
Can't jog my memory, the good, the bad and the ugly all lost to ancient history, constantly looked over, over and over to the point of obscurity
There's no money so follow the calamity of the paper back story, it's short and gory
Densely packed and stacked with everything that would make someone uneasy
Only pain and shame, no glory, not even a hole, boxed in and been lonely for 40
My future is solely based on what I've done previously
Most might say, "uh, yeah, obviously" but it can get tricky
With a little creative liberty taken to push the limits of an already worn down psyche
Me, myself and I, a split personality or just a not so holy trinity?

©2024

A life with no safety net
Do I make it or will this be yet another instance where I don't hit the ground running, instead I splat flat on the pavement
Place your bet, I'll take that bet
Another tally mark added to my list of regret
I'm my own biggest threat and relentless as it can get
I feel preset to replay every horrible event
A looped cassette
Bad precedent after bad precedent set
Where is this button labeled reset?
When will I find the bottom of this decent?
If you tell me I'll try to keep the secret
I forget now if I've ever even seen it
I know I never see it coming, but there's no question I've felt it
Going dark and cold like a long forgotten briquette
Stagnant and never lit
Like a burning cigarette this hell is a slow burn with evil intent
I'm spent like a tax return, sanity gone before I even got to know it
Out of my mind cause I could no longer afford the rent
My twisted twist on Russian roulette is the full chamber aspect
So you can surely predict past it
My downfalls bound to hit a record high percent
The first click shoulda/woulda/coulda ended it all in an instant
With steel to flesh, I find myself desperate to create an outlet
To finally get the torment to ease up a bit
But it jams every time and I must admit
Dumb luck and the law of odds get the credit

©2024

The absolute
Best part of
Good friendships
Is having that safe place
To land
No matter where you
Are jumping from