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Corey 14h
This is the way the world turns
With finger tips dragging through oceans;
land cracking under unseen weight
beaten down, shattered and broken

Every human being is chosen
Whether we save ourselves or each other
Whatever we do, we set into motion
and give to the generations ahead

light, that shines and warms the ground
and breath, the wind on the oceans
This is the way the world turns
over again until it opens
I would say I’ve been through my fair share of trauma.
I have tried to be resilient. I have tried to deal with each hurdle. I look back and there’s been downs but I’ve always walked with my head high. I have kept going even when I didn’t feel like I could.

The last 8 weeks. It broke me. I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it. It has been so horrific. Even though I’ve been through more horrific psychical and emotional trauma. I fell into a hole that I didn’t think I was going to make it out of.

Have you ever just felt so numb where you stare at a the tv or the wall and don’t know what time or day you are up to. Where tears fall without noticing.  Where you soak your shirt with snot. You can’t pin point what’s hurting more.

The heart break. The betrayal. That someone with an agenda took your career and basically ripped it up in front of you. You want to run. But in my entire life that’s all I have done. This time though, you lack energy you cannot think about driving.

For the first time in a long time you think how easy it would be to drive a car into a tree. You ache. You start mourning people who have left and you don’t know why or where it’s coming from. You feel afraid. So you don’t leave the safe sanctuary. You just sit. Too scared to move. For the first time in a long time I can’t trust myself.

People try and console you, what would you tell a patient right now if you were them? You would tell them there’s hope. That there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. That it’s going to be ok. Its not the same. Because I can’t tell myself that because I am broken and I don’t believe it.

For the first time in a long time I didn’t know what to do. Despair and pain creep in. Confidence and my never ending smile disappears. Usually I can walk and smile and no one would know. How did I become so vulnerable. Why has this broken me.

Control is why. I have no control over any of this. I would be homeless if it weren’t for family.  Even though they walk around not able to get in, because I shut them out. I can’t be weak. I won’t allow it. But I don’t have a choice. I’m a mess. I am weak. But I’m slowly learning. It’s ok. This is not my fault.

10 years ago Keith died. Because he didn’t feel as though he could go on. He felt broken and disappointed and backed into a hole he couldn’t get out of. He is the one that reminds me that there is Hope. He might be gone. But he always told me  that if you can find one positive every day then it’s worth living for. if you can’t you ask someone to be positive for you. Every year I beat myself up. I could have done more. Even with everything I know now, I feel like we let him down.  I know he would be cheering me on and he would not want me to give up. whilst my heart aches all the time. It’s a reminder of what pain it caused losing him and why I had to get over myself and ask for help. I know he would tell me that ‘Life is good, always all good’.
and it only occurred to you upon glancing at yourself today
how lonely it feels
hands pressed against your body this way
tide shifting to move mountains
to let your latest current through

hip bones
thighs
the infrequent sighs

signs of some meaning to come

once the other hand has won
then is it time for you to run?

come down from your mountain top
where heaven's always too late

climb out of that hole
the one you dug with your own hands

come taste the moonlight
feel the dew like cool sunshine
sink into your skin

breathe in the breeze

let this wilderness seep in
this is garbage but i needed to get some words out
1/22/2020

A blank page. Is beautiful,
Like an empty cardboard box.
A blank page is pitiful,
Like a bike without shocks.
A blank page is powerful,
Like he who controls the clocks.

Words. Are dangerous,
Like a career in bomb diffusion.
Words are ponderous,
Like time spent in seclusion.
Words are useless,
Like having skills in indecision.

Expressions. Are misguiding,
Like incorrect road signs.
Expressions are inviting,
Like getting off the sidelines.
Expressions are exposing,
Like craters left by mines.

Fears. Will debilitate,
Like brakes locked on an icy road.
Fears will dictate,
Like poor learning of law code.
Fears will fabricate,
Like a hasty corduroy road.

How can the potential of a chart,
The potency of what we hear,
The mystery of an open heart,
Not keep one from outrunning Fear?
You just don’t know where to start.
Oh, when will everything become clear?

Pain. Is difficult,
Like a test of endurance.
Pain is heartfelt,
Like an understanding glance.
Pain is insult,
Like taunts in arrogance.

Doubt. Is dividing,
Like a denominator.
Doubt is saving,
Like a backup generator.
Doubt is disregarding,
Like a prideful visitor.

Acceptance. Is costly,
Like a gambling addiction.
Acceptance is ghostly,
Like it’s writing fiction.
Acceptance is necessary,
Like a correct prediction.

Love. Will change your ways,
Like moving across the planet.
Love will catch your gaze,
Like seeing a leaky faucet.
Love will not cease to amaze,
Like that: nothing but net.

How can feeling sufferance,
The weakness of doubt,
And the need for acceptance,
Continue to keep Love locked out?
Oh, how low will I cling to reluctance?
I just don’t know where to start.
12/12/19

As I sat on my porch one day,
I watched a bird in its nest.
As pushed its youngling out,
It fell from its place of safety,
And flew on out of sight.
Just a doodle I found in my Intro to Psychology notebook…
There are days like the brilliance of the first snow
brightness that almost blinds
full hearts
heavy sighs
slowing down time
while grasping at straws
for a way out from under reality and it's spot light
A feeling
Ten dusted guitars I have on my shelf
One for each finger
One for each past lover
Thought I could not play them
Ever again
Yet today
It was bright
Because of the light in your eyes
My sorrows went South
Because of your smile on your mouth
I had to taste it a bit
It was sweet
A new beginning for me
Can't you see
In my eyes
There's the truth
Throw the dice
Let's see what it will cast
Sorrows belong to the past
Ten guitars I do have
I want to play them all
Just for you, my love
I feel you are the one.
Ten guitars play one song
About us, going strong
Have I told you I'm happy,
That I've met you?
Rain drums on roof tiles
And I feel strangely happy
My heart is shy and keeps quiet
But right now, leaps forwards
Dreams of plaid couches
And carpeted dreams
I'm content, again
In my own head
These little moments are becoming more and more common. I don't like this poem though. It's not great. Not sure why my brain is broken lately. Title is a Britney Spears song. Should I write my mind?
maddie 2d
you'll be a happy person if you enjoy the things you got
stop trying to be someone that you're not
Madi 2d
what if today
was only a good day
so tomorrow could be my last

what if today
was my happy ending
God's final wonderful favor

what if today
was a desperate shot
to show someone life is alright

so if today
was my final good day
i'm alright if the end's coming

so if today
was my joyous goodbye
i'll tell God thank you very soon

so if today
someone else learned to love
i'm proud that i taught at least one

is this the end?
if so, thanks everyone
for a good day to end it all
for whatever reason i can't ever seem to accept that i just have good days. i always have a feeling like something bad must be coming soon.
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