I hold onto love
Like sand
It scatters easily
In my hands
And I will attack it
Probe it
Interrogate
Intimidate
Isolate myself
Until nothing remains

All this
To prove
To those who love me
That I am unlovable

Cold sweat and shivers ache
The soul is hard to settle
Lost days, hours minutes to
Temperament out of control

Where does it end?
How thoughts become
The source of torment
And terrifying respite

Locked in a world
Of swirling chaos
Broken promises
And heavy lies

There is a path
I can not walk it
There is an ocean
I can not sail it

Find me peace
Rest this mind
Forever
Addicted

I wonder when it was that we really met
was it when he first lied to me
or the time I tried to jump out the two story window at 5 years old

was it when I first felt the bugs crawl beneath my skin as you touched me
no longer sparks flying but an electrocution without the quick death

perhaps when my dad spat that he was ashamed of me
and my mum said he wanted me out of his sight
off of his site
“get off of those sites”

when I locked myself in the shed at 6
I screamed and cried
not wolf, but Rapunzel
climb up my hair, rip it out of my head and

now it is 12 years later and I don’t cry to be let out
I cry to be let gogh
and drink paint and drink paint andrink p ain’t
it silly?

if only you were looked after

Spiders.

Snakes.

Late nights, due to the fact that once I saw a possum in our garage when it was dark out.

Good looking people not thinking I'm good looking.

Holding children. I might drop them.

My brothers growing up to be just like me.

Shark attacks.

Jumping off high places.

Headphones that go too deep into my ears.

Going the opposite direction of so many cars. I'm the only one going my way.  They're probably headed the right way. They're probably having more fun.

Realizing that, after being on the road for a while, my high beams have been on the whole time. Sorry.

Cockroaches.

Family reunions where I'm not sure if that really attractive girl is my family or someone's friend.

Climbing up the stairs of the Bombay ride at Wet N' Wild because there just slabs of stone I can see under. I could slip and fall right through.

Enjoying bad bands.

Letting my girlfriend look into my eyes.

Talking on the phone.

Growing up.

Refusing to grow up.

Reading this over if I ever finish it and realizing that I am something less than a regular human being.  Probably an animal of some kind.

Frogs.

Big animals.

Waking up one day as the same person I always have been.

Standing still.

My parents.

Not spending the rest of my life with the girl I swore I would.

Texting people too often.

My parents dying.

Whales.

My teeth being this awful the rest of my life.

Braces.

Making people think they offended me.  People never offend me.

Writing anything that's ever as good as Ernest Hemingway.  How dare I think that I ever could.

Running too hard.  My heart might burst.

Being unreasonable. Am I unreasonable?

Sticking my finger inside an air conditioning vent in a car.  I don't know if there's a fan in there.  I don't know if it'll take my finger off.

Getting people's hopes up.

Letting people down.

Fish.

Bees.

Being a teacher.

My laugh.

Wearing bad clothes.

Holding her hand too hard.  I might cut off circulation.  She might get mad.

My brother disapproving of what I do.

Heaven because it sounds awful doing the same thing for the rest of forever.

Finding out I've been gay this whole time.

Cracking my fingers.

Being a parent.

Whales.

Final exams.

Paranormal Activity 4.

Singing on cue.

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

Eating insects.

Whales.

Silence.

The open ocean.

Whales.

Whales.

I must hide.
For reasons I can’t describe.
It has always been this way.
For as long as I was alive.

For one reason or another,
I hide (or I run).

I cannot be me, equally, to everyone.

What if they detect my inconsistency?
Unacceptable.
(definitely)

So I hide.

Someday I might reveal me.
Somewhere, unconceal me.

Or perhaps this is my legacy.

Here.
But yet, not.

I
thought
simply

I
worried
simply

I
told
myself

I
talked
it
through

And
I
know.

I
do
know

It
is
okay

I
don’t
have
to be anxious

But
God,
I am

Give
me
peace

Because
my
mind

Is
spinning
worrying

I
am
anxious

I
shouldn’t
be.

But
I
am

Let
me
sleep

please.

Fuck the future
The present has me tense
The past is post present
Today is tomorrow
And yesterday is yesterday

The minute I heard

Hands.

Hands all over me

This gross terrible feeling of hands on and in me

Disgusting.
Dirty.
Contaminated.

I panicked
Like a sheep away from its flock
As shepards guided me
Out the door
Away from a wolf

I counted my steps
The sharp sound of heels on tile

1,2,3,4,5
Turn
1,2,3,4,5,6,7
Turn
1,2,3,4
Turn

As worried eyes watched me
As five people watched me
Show the worse parts of myself

As I refrained from cracking my skull against the bricks in front of me

As I locked down my hands so I wouldn’t peel off my skin

I didn’t want them to see red..

So

I screamed and yelled with a shaky voice

Debated if it was worth hurting myself

To get out

I wanted out

Like that night...

On the bus...

All I can hear is you mocking me

That voice that I used to love and begged to hear

Laughing and cackling
screaming and yelling
Telling me to do things
That I know will hurt me and others

As I tried my best not to fully break down

In front of so many people

I walked out
Remember
“Straight, stand tall, head up, smile, act like you don’t care”

All a facade

As I fought tears

By laughing at anything
Making jokes at anything
Smiling at everything

But my facade wasn’t very strong

As I felt it crack
When I was playing
With my cheers
As my voice cut off with pain

Not my voice rang
“You’re not strong, just go ahead and kill yourself”

No

Shut up

Stop

Leave

Go away

You’re not here

I’m just a paranoid freak

Looking around from inside my car before I go inside

Grab your keys

Now walk out

Remember your defense

Check if anything is out of place

Keep looking around

Remember look under dad’s old truck so no one cuts your Achilles’ tendon  

Keep looking around

Unlock the door

Walk in

Close.
Lock.

Safe.

For now.