In those Summer days
When the green grass scratched my legs,
The mud cooled my toes
And I ran through the cold stream,
Pulling off green leaves
From the bushes by the house
And twigs from young trees.

Somehow the fall came—
I liked to call it Autumn—
And I walked slowly,
Picking up acorns and nuts
Before squirrels came
And quickly hid them away.
As morning frosts came,
I began to feel the chill.
Somehow the world changed,
As an apple will grow ripe,
And the world changed me.

In Winter's strong grasp I woke.
I looked around me
And in every grey shadow,
I saw a regret,
A what-if of circumstance:
A sharp memory,
Hanging like an icicle
Just waiting to fall.
Summer would sweetly call me,
And Autumn smiled,
But Winter's embrace choked me.
I would leave the world,
Fly back to the land of dreams,
If I knew a way.
I would cry to the grey sky,
Ask all the questions,
If I thought it would answer.
And so I slept deep,
Knowing nothing could be done
Unless the world changed,
Giving me fresh hope inside;
But it never would.

Spring has crept up to my door
It has knocked loudly
And shaken me from slumber.
Its face is grinning,
Smiling so wide, and laughing.
I've opened my door,
Not fearing a winter wind
For the first time now.
Spring calls me from my bedroom,
Asking me to play
And hang up my coat of doubt
By the scarf of shame
And the hat of my worries.
Spring pulls on my arm,
And even though it hurts now,
Somehow growing pains
Are better than the bedsores.
So take the shoes off my feet
And teach me to run again.

Choka 5-7-5-7-5-7-5...77
Nicole 1d

My system has shut down
and I'm sorry I can't process
the conversation you are sending my way.
It seems your words
travel a one way street
getting lost among the tangled sheets
of my brain.
And I cannot dream
when my mind is always awake,
spinning and swirling all around,
peace will not be found.
my vision blurring
as I hurry
my breathing.
It feels as if time doesn't pass.
or maybe it goes too fast?
my stomach
tangled in knots
reflects the chaos of my thoughts.
"I'm alone
My eyes aren't working
I'm alone
Are my lungs giving out?
I'm alone
My stomach is trying to eat itself
I'm alone
Why won't my hands stop shaking?
I'm alone
Where's the air?
I'm alone
People hate me
I'm alone
Why isn't anyone helping?
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone"
STOP.
Deep breaths,
Close your eyes,
Focus on the air coming through your nose,
all the way into your lungs and back out.
Your eyes are fine
You will be ok
Your hands will stop trembling
You will be ok
Just breathe

Ever wondered why they call it
A crush?
Ever wondered why it's so hard
To get them to notice you?
It's called a crush...
Because you never know
They could like you too
But you'd never know
It's scary to think about
The future with them
All the possibilities
Are just overwhelming
You could be friend zoned
Or forgotten or ditched
And if things go well for a while
You could be left broken hearted
I hate crushes
The agonizing pain
Of your love not being returned
Until you tell them
But when you tell them
You hold your breath
Scared of the outcome
And when all they say is
"I don't know how I feel"
It's not a definite no
But it's still disappointing

True story...

I knew I was playing with fire
so why was I so surprised when
I got burned?
He told me to make sure I don't fall
in love with him.
He told me he wasn't comfortable talking.
He told me he wanted to make me happy.
I had cigarette burns up and down my body
and I should've known it would hurt
because you had ones to match.
There's something about tracing over your own skin after someone's touched you.
Almost as if the traces will never disappear,
like the scars from cigarette burns.

This took me so long to write because I couldn't find the words. I still don't know if I have.

she asked me what the ocean felt like,
and i talked about elegant waves,
crystal clear water and
holding star fish
in the palms of my hands

if she asked me again, i think
i would've talked about
the disappointment
that comes from being surrounded by water
but never drowning

the suicidal swimmer longs
for his lungs to soak up the ocean

Anxiety has this constant habit of starting a fight with depression.
Depression just wants to tell you that all of this does not matter.
All of a sudden, anxiety is screaming at you, telling you that everything matters.
Depression just wants to tell you to not care about anything.
All of a sudden, anxiety is reprimanding you, wanting you to worry about everything.
Depression just wants to tell you that it's fine.
All of a sudden, anxiety is mocking you, reminding you that you are a stupid excuse for a person, and everyone is going to hate you for that.

These fights are usually grueling, but despite that, anxiety and depression are best friends. They come along together pretty well.

Gunner 2d

Skin.
Skin by definition is a thin layer of tissue forming a natural outer covering of the body.
Skin is for people to tan, to clothe, apply make up to... to touch.

Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.

Mosquito bites.
Mosquito bites by definition are the itchy bumps that appear after mosquitoes use their proboscis to puncture your skin and feed on your blood.
Mosquito bites are for people to feel, to itch, to bleed, to scab and repeat. The entire cycle.

Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.

Summer.
Summer by definition is the warmest season of the year.
Summer is for t-shirts, shorts, exposure, swimming, tanning, skin, skin, skin, skin, skin.
"It's Summer, put on some shorts."
"It's Summer, why aren't you wearing a t-shirt?"
"It's Summer, let's go swimming!"
Summer is a time for these questions, these statements, these words to fester, to breed like muosquitos, to sting like the bite of a bug.

Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.
Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.

Dermatologist.
A Dermatologist by definition is a doctor that treats diseases, in the widest sense, and some cosmetic problems of the skin, skin, skin, skin, skin.
The Dermatologist tells me to use this and to use that. Lotions and potions, as my mother would say. Slather, rub, treat, swallow.

Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.
Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.

Skin care.
Skin care by definition is the range of practices that support skin integrity, enhance its appearance and relieve skin conditions.
Get up, shower, sterilizing soap, body oil, steroid cream, medicated lotion, drink water and repeat the process before bed. My daily cycle.

Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.
Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.

Seesaw.
A Seesaw by definition is to change rapidly and repeatedly from one position, situation, or condition to another and back again.
Seesaw, to push off the ground, into the air with a sense of victory and joy, only to fall hard to the ground with stinging ankles and sore calf's.
This isn't a playground anymore.
The Dermatologist says that if I don't get better, they'll have to put me on the pill.

Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.
Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.

The Pill.
The Pill is an oral treatment for my condition. My eczema.
One pill every morning at seven AM with food and an entire glass of water.
The risk associated with the pill- Osteoporosis,  Muscle weakness, Mood and Behavioral changes, Increase in chance of developing cataracts,  Stomach Ulcers and Liver Failure.
One pill every morning at seven AM with food and an entire glass of water. The daily cycle.

Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.
Itch, bleed, scab, repeat.
Itch, bleed, scab.... fuck it.

I would rather my liver fail and my bones go brittle then to be stared at on the street!
"What is that?"
"Are you okay?"
"What's wrong with her?"
"Is it contagious?"
"Don't touch me!"
I itch, my nails dragging over my scarred skin and pulling at wounds. I bleed, the welts that crack and leak drops from the red river that flows silently beneath my skin. I scab, leaving horrible lumps of ugly, hardened flesh to coat the once smooth area. I repeat....

Well, I don't want to repeat! I want to be able wear the clothes I want, to walk the streets with out the judging and questioning eyes of the passersby on me, to be held and touched by a significant other without the fear that their fingers will fall upon my skin and recoil in disgust!

Without looking in the mirror and wondering when I can finally begin to love myself.

I decided that today is the day! No more Itching! No more Bleeding! No more Scabs! It's time to break this god damn cycle.

rey 2d

it feels like it was yesterday
but a yesterday a long time ago
away, sealed up in a dream
i can only faintly remember parts of it
while the rest is a blur

i can’t escape this strange dream
floating by
not truly feeling anything,
just existing

my heart hurts
a hurt that aches endlessly, eating away

it’s the bell jar
the same sour air i breathe

always had an inkling
an inkling to end the thoughts
end the aching

I am extrovert with social anxiety
yet I love strangers
not talking to strangers
but looking at them from afar

From a distance, I like to write their story
To imagine their lives
From a distance, no one has struggles
and I like to imagine someone with a life without me
Without my struggles

From a distance, no one has anxiety
and they do not procrastinate
they go home at the end of everyday to a husband or wife
whom they love very much
And they do not have depression
they are not in pain
Life isn't hard to be living

Up close though, I know thats not true
because everyone feels stress
and everyone has work they don't want to do
Though we find love, it takes a while to get there
and hearts break a few times over along the way
And everyone feels sad from time to time
everyone feels pain
and life is hard to live

I imagine a perfect person
Because I am not one
But there is no perfect person
And I do not have to be one

Kee 2d

You've only seen a glimpse of my world.
A glimpse of my hatred,
happiness,
sadness,
depression,
anxiety,
loneliness.

A glimpse of whatever I want to show you because I'm scared.
Scared of how you'll see me when I sob on the ground because I've dropped a plate.
And yes, it may be just a plate but I've been so clumsy and tired.
Disturbed and discouraged by the voices.
The last thing I want to do is drop a fucking plate.

I'd be rattled if you knew that I can't function without pills.
I hate taking them because I can't feel,
But I don't want to hear anymore voices.
I don't want to be the usual freak on the street you know.

If you knew how hard it was for me to get out of bed you'd be surprised.
I only slept three hours last night but I was terrorized the whole time by my own personal demons.
I lay there with my eyes bloodshot and wide open, my body numb.
I want to get up, but what is there for me when I do?
Work?
Like I'd actually want to be there.

If you knew that people stared at me and thought I was hot until the scars adorning my body changed their minds.
And the whispers began.
"Oh my god..." "She's so ugly, such a freak." "Fucking emo's."
I don't go outside without long clothes anymore.
The only good thing is that I don't have to shave anymore.

I don't visit my family.
I haven't in the last 2 years.
They don't need to see the person I've become.
Even though they've helped made me this way.
And they never stop calling, and calling, and calling!
Can't they understand that I don't want to talk!?
Oh, yes!
Another fucking breakdown.
This time, I didn't drop the plate on accident.

I'm no good to anyone broken.
So I'd rather pretend to be fine and smile.
Than to let you in...
Than to let you see more than that glimpse of what is really me.

Okie Dokie! So I came up with this on the fly and I didn't really expect it to go this way, but I still like it.
This isn't about me, it's not really about a certain person. I guess it's the insecurities from people I've known mixed into one person who's afraid of letting someone in.
Hope you like it!
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