I have loitered
In the wood of memories
Unable to forget you.
You have done me
More harm than good,
I will not remind you
Of the promises you made
That you did not keep.
For you promises are
In the darkest niche
Of the cave opening to the sea
You retreat to reset old memories,
Release the pain already suffered
And break your pride,
And draw me in;
This is the ploy you have used
To befool me.
O Dreams! Ages pass by.
A theft from the core of the sense of ones self
A scramble to reclaim what was
A delivery of darkness without ones consent
A seemingly indefinite loss
A vacancy of comfort A replacement of pain
A fight for my heart from below
A feared exchange with looming self-distain
Will these authoritative thoughts ever slow?
A personal account
When anxiety hits me for the millionth time,
My insides scream for they don’t accept me anymore.
They say these stretch marks are my tiger stripes,
signs of my strength.
But I have never wanted to be a carnivore.
I don't want to prey on those smaller than me,
the ones so fragile I think they may crack.
I want to be a sunflower.
Long, and tall, and slim,
tilting toward the sunlight,
not just unafraid
but yearning to be seen.
I have not felt the sun on my skin in so long
that I have forgotten how it feels to burn,
to let the rays rest on my goosebumps
and sink into the warmth.
I think I am destined to be cold.
To shiver under my own scornful gaze in the bathroom mirror,
because even though I only ate dinner,
I still woke up fat.
I never asked to be covered in stripes,
these scars that have defined me and
Before I even knew what it meant to be marked
I knew to hide.
I knew to pray that the earth would swallow me whole,
because at least in the ground nobody has to see me.
The sunflower turns to face the sun,
to feel the warmth on its petals.
And one day I will peel off these layers of death on my bones
and I will face the sun
and let it burn.
What is home?
When you no longer feel life rushing through your bones.
What is love?
When even if it’s conditional it’s just not enough.
What is life?
When you’re constantly wanting to taste the clouds and have it stop.
tw suicidal thoughts
Something about these pills...
It just rubs me the wrong way...
Something eerie about them
Their psychoactive properties
I just don’t want them in my head
Or I want them all at once
Or none at all
Why the ****
Do I get excited
A sick hit of adrenaline
Thinking about swallowing them all
And ending it now
What’s wrong with me
I’m losing my **** mind
Somehow the pills keep me a little bit sane
And i am here;
Silently gasping in this thin air.
Everybody's on the other side,
Looking at me with a carefree smile
Thinking i got life handled just fine.
When i am nothing but an absolute chaos,
Barely grasping on to dear life,
Praying for my sweet end every night.
Whatever struggle you're dealing with right now, i'm so frickin amazed by how strong you are. Look at you, still surving despite all the hardships. You're a badass and a real fighter!
Today is the day
The day I speak up
The day I open my chest
Open my chest and release
Release the pain
The knots inside of me unravel
They spill out around me
And lay limp
Limp and pathetic
They lay at my feet and beg
Beg to be let in
They try to wrap themselves around me
They threaten to tangle up inside of me
They want to engulf me
They want to take over my body
They want to take over my life
They want control
But I refuse
Today is the day I refuse to let myself be consumed
Don't feel like a cog.
Don't feel like a bird either.
you're skinning me alive.
each word you bark strips away
some of my skin and some of my soul.
why don't you do the kind thing,
and shoot me?
instead of ripping out my hair in fistfuls
with each laugh made at my expense.
my world is melting
because you set it on fire.
the smoke is so thick
i can't find my own face.
and i hear you.
i hear you laugh
and the flames pinch me in response.
you are unclever in choosing me though.
i set myself on fire often.
though you choke me and scorch me
i already know this pain.
it burns and stings.
and i cry out "Harder"
because i know you cannot maim me,
you cannot give me scars
that are worse than the ones
i have given myself.
you cannot **** me.
i've already tried.