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can you smell that?
that rotting scent
of yesterday
and all the things
that we’ve just
thrown away
the unpleasant aroma
of my life
and the horrible way
that i’m feeling right now
and how i wish
i would die today
Ghxstcxt Apr 2020
Let me rewind your mind
Back to a time
When everything was fine.
When you weren't inclined to think
About the choices you had made
Or had voices to replay
Because you were still a child.

Now fast forward some years later
When you're quiet
That's when you're hating.
All those demons are berating
Every door until they've caved in
Questioning any memory created
Any plans made they were too hasty
That major imprints to get ingrained
And every glimmer here was wasted
Because every single day since
Could've been a better one

I'm what I'd call quietly violent
When I close my eyes
I'm morbidly inspired
Not suicidal,
More...tragically insightful
I'd be lying if I said the thoughts not crossed my mind though...

Provocative cranium conversations
Don't make sense, get irritating
Off hand comments on every wavelength,
That find endless ways of blaming
Yourself for all the sane things
But unlike the shrew
You cannot tame it
And emotions get abrasive
Leaving you worn out and deflated,
By your very own persuasions.

I'm what I'd call quietly violent
When I keep my eyes closed
I'm morbidly inspired
Not suicidal,
More...tragically insightful
I'd be lying if I said the thoughts not crossed my mind though...

When chained to past imaginations
It puts a strain on your relations
Which coping with gets less instinctive
Cursed with fleeting flickered wishes
Giving pictures to each vision
And over time you can't restrain it
Until each detail's contemplated
For a moment
Then sedated.
But the voices still keep raining
Cryptic mental space invaders.
Welcome to adult life the playlist
"Psychologically Draining".
Arlo Disarray Jul 17
i have become an expert
at ******* up my life
i’m really good
at being a terrible wife
i am slime
a big ol’ waste o’ time
never worth the trouble i cause
all i do is whine
and rhyme

every time things start to get better
whenever i start doing things right
i turn around and stab myself in the back
with a knife
and it’s as if i don’t want to enjoy my life
like i want to sabotage my chances
at doing better than my parents did
i keep thinking back to when i was a kid
always frightened,
forever wishing i was big
and now that i’m no longer a child
i can’t seem to do things right
i just keep being wild
and forgetting the times in the past
when i’ve smiled
i’m just so tired
and i keep sniffing myself
and checking my date
because i think
i’ll soon be expired
lately i've been scared
worried the darkness will last
but i hope i'm wrong

i feel powerless
so backed into a corner
but i hope i'm wrong

i feel judging eyes
like i'm not just projecting
but i hope i'm wrong

i think i see it
they wince when my mouth opens
but i hope i'm wrong

i feel unwanted
it's unlucky to know me
but i hope i'm wrong

unhelpful and shamed
no one is glad i'm here, right?
i just hope i'm wrong

only by working—
my body, my only strength
my hands hold children
but my mind is too broken
prove to me i'm wrong

Inefficient love
Subpar communication
Almost good enough
Almost worth listening to
If you say nothing
You confirm it with silence
But if you argue
Please bring some more evidence
I'm trying to hope
That this self-talk's distorted
I'm sorry my pain
Is underreported
If nobody cared
Then surely I'd be alone
And not surrounded
By those who want to love me—
But I don't know how
To feel the love that they show.
I shrink back, I hide,
Because it hurts me sometimes.
These are all my thoughts
They feel so true in my mind.
But I really hope I'm wrong.
Arlo Disarray Jul 11
ya know,
late last night
i felt kinda
dead inside

crumbling into mushy
piles of sand
from the tears
i cried

i kept telling myself
that once again
i wasn’t worthy
but i lied
i might be easily won over
but cross me
and you’ll wish
you’d never strayed
from my side

because i’m sweet
as hell
but i’m equal parts spicy
i’m small
but i’m feisty
and you’re asking
for trouble
if you think
you wanna fight me
i’m tiny
but mighty
i’m a dream
come true
but like
a nightmare
i’m frightening
kiss me goodnight
and in the morning
we’ll be fighting
and whoever leaves
the biggest bruise
in the end
is
the mind **** king
crown me. 👑
Arlo Disarray Jul 10
why do all good things
come with so much pain?
infecting my heart
and degrading my brain

i’ve grown so tired
over the years
after all the
unnecessary tears
pouring from my eyes
and disintegrating my cheeks
carving grooves into my skin
proving that i’m weak
and unworthy
once again

the little bits of hope
that sneak into my life
only serve to highlight
the pathetic existence i live
and to ignite
the flames
in my heart
waiting to be stomped out
immediately
after being sparked

why do i even keep trying?
i don’t know why i exist
if i finally say goodbye
and i decide
on dying

will
i
even
be
missed?
I felt so alone.
every place I went. every place I stopped to visit.
Seemed off.
I followed the noise of everything around me
in the hope of finding something familiar.
I rounded corners, crossed mazes of streets.
I didn't feel like I belonged to any of these places.
mostly filled with strange looks. anxious behavior.
still, I walked.
big city life is too busy.
always somewhere to be. always something to do.
it's easy to lose track of time.
keeping up with the next thing to do, the next place to be.
I felt so alone.
my walk becoming more unease. my shoulders more tense.
nothing really felt warm.
everyone felt cold, lost in the hustle of busy feet.
Shoulders almost bumping into each other,
Cars screeching their horn almost running into the other.
the sanctuary of what I really needed seemed far away.
still, I walked.
meeting the avenue of your eyes. you.
you seemed different.
far different than any place I’ve been.
I felt like I’ve been here before, or at least
Would remember if I’ve dreamed about it.
I didn't need to look at a menu to know what I wanted.
there wasn't a question of where I’d sit, or if there'd be
a seat by the window.
No remembering if I needed to stop at an ATM or if I had the right
Amount of money. I felt at ease.
I immediately knew what I wanted and where I wanted to be.
if I did continue to walk, it would be into tomorrow.
so that I could come back here.
a patron whose face would take no time to remember.
when the weeks turn into years.
I’ll remember to tell you; this is how I got home
nothing good ever lasts
all the nice feelings
and big smiles
are gone way too fast
and it hurts,
you know?
it stabs me in my gut
always feeling inadequate
and like i’m alone
no matter what

i am so afraid to show myself
to take the masks away
always terrified to peek out
from the shadows
and let myself be seen
in the light
i know there’s a lot about me
that just isn’t right
and whenever i think
i have someone
in my life
who not only accepts me
but understands me
it’s just false hope
that i’m fooling myself with

there’s too much
wrong with me
and my feelings
are constantly
attempting
to suffocate me
i guess i don’t know
how else to be
so i’m sorry
this is the me
that you’ve
had to see
Astonishment,
Admonishment,

Quivering lies through the eyes of arrogance doubt.

Fancy hearing the turbid tones of truth as the skies fall upon….you.

Yet you blame.

Shame for shame, playing your endless games.

Ill-guided moresence proves the downfall of all,
Your ill-fated squalor talks more than you know.

Yet your speech is mute to yourn.

Baited falter,
Caught in your own web.

I will listen to yours no longer.
Phia Jul 5
It’s an odd thing
You know
Having a front row seat
To my own self destruction.
Being so mentally broken
Yet so painfully self aware
I wanna get better
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