as far as she knew,
nobody had cared.
x-y-z... straight to the very end.
internal self-doubt
exemplies itself in her head.
traces down her spine,
yells until she just can’t take it.

(now read straight down the far left column)

Hello, mother,
It's me again.
Remember the monsters you used to check for underneath my bed?
It turns out they are all inside my head.
Mother,
I know you couldn't see them at first,
I couldn't either,
But I heard them whisper,
I heard them chatter,
They listened to me weep.
I don't think you understand,
No, mother,
I know I'm not a child anymore,
But the underside of my bed is all cleaned out,
Yet they still remain.
Empty pockets,
Unopened boxes,
Light switches turned off.
Mother,
Help,
They're intensifying,
They're horrifying,
And they're-
Oh.
You have to go?
With the lights turned low,
You shut your door,
I'm all alone.
What about the monsters, mother?
I know you can't see them,
I know,
But I hear them,
I listen to them,
I no longer weep.
You said they weren't there,
I believed you.
You said it was the nights anticipation,
But it was my damnation.
Mother,
You're still not listening to me.
Yes,
They're inside my head,
I have this sudden feeling of dread,
I have to get this feeling off my chest,
Mother.
Lay me to rest.
That is my last request.

somehow i'm awake when i wish i'm not.
i'm awake when he leaves at midnight
and i'm awake when he returns at two o'clock.
i'm awake to hear him shifting in his bed,
i'm awake when he talks to her.
and i wish it was all in my head.

who is he talking to?
nobody, he says.

wishing i was asleep, i'm awake when he laughs.
and i beat myself up
because i shouldn't be worried about that.

yet i am.
i'm awake
to make
myself bleed to see if i still give a damn.

he promised to tell me everything
but this, he doesn't want me to know.
is he moving on too fast
or am i too slow?

the spotlights come up
and the crowd cheers
you put a smile on,
stifle back the tears.

gotta hide yourself,
become someone new.
entertain the crowd
'cause they're judging you.

go with the script,
don't improvise.
do what you're told,
or they'll criticize.

don't falter, not at all;
don't be yourself until the curtain call.

break a leg,
the show must go on.
one mistake and you're gone.

my mind paces
a thousand or more circles
a day

and it always comes back
to the same broken thoughts
tying the meat
in my skull
into knots

a dose of medicine
ain't gonna fix it
and if i lost this side of myself
i think i might miss it

it's the only me
i've ever really known
and i don't want her to die

it's not her fault
that her heart is busted
and letting all the
leaky stuff drip out

she was made this way for a reason

and i don't want to say goodbye

there aren't enough minutes in the day
to keep feeling this way

but as time ticks forward,
i move further backward

and i hope one day
i'll catch up with myself
and know where i've been
going this whole time

candle headed kids,
melting under pressure.
contorting and dying under the weight of something so bright and important:
a flame.
the burn of a good future just an arms reach away.
the heat of not letting anyone down.
the scorching pain of reaching through the flame,
the one thing destroying them,
just to succeed.
just to not let anyone down.
just to live.
anxious.
forever anxious.

smog headed kids.
they cannot breathe.
their thoughts,
contorting around their lungs,
killing them.
so dark,
so dark in their minds.
the need for pain,
the feeling of undeserving.
no one understands a smog headed kid.
forever choking over their own mind.

You hang around clowns,
Wondering why your life looks
Like it's a circus.