My rib cage struggles to contain
The tornado of butterflies
That thud off the glass of my chest
Like a bird on a freshly cleaned window

They then take a sharp turn, in synchronicity
Like a flock of starlings over an open field
And dive into my stomach,
Pulling up just before they hit the bottom

I reach into my head in hopes of salvation
But what once rested between my ears is gone,
Leaving only a post-it note that reads
“be back soon, went to market”

Each breath that leaves my body is on fire
And my legs get heavier with each step
My vision is blurred, my voice is small
And I am not a man, and I am not a human, but I am a feeling

Panic
Fears grow in my mind
I do need your gentle touch
So I can blossom
i have anxiety
undiagnosed.
well that’s not true i’ve been to therapists, psychologists.
many, so many doctor appointments.
i have old medications for it, i haven’t kept up with
i don’t like the way they force my brain
to conform to the usual and to feel a certain way

sometimes it feels like my head is stuffed with an overflowing amount of crumpled paper balls
piling up crowding the available space in my frontal lobe
the things i never said, the things i should have never said,
the things that someone never said to me.
that special someone that holds hands with the prettier girl
about two feet away from me.
she’s a better fit for you. i guess
the grade that i got on my last math test but really don’t care about
because by this point i’m habituated to the sting of failure.
i sit in my room and cry by myself because my nerves feel like they are ripping apart
or maybe it’s the sensation of exploding
similar to the creation of a star, or i guess in my case,
the painful closure of a life well lived.
of a time far too stressed.

my brain feels very full while simultaneously existing almost on empty.
i wake up from a drowsy late afternoon depression nap with
my neurons firing too fast for me to catch up with and a weirdly powerful
and persevering sense of anger or maybe it’s frustration.
i feel like i’m stuck in a crevasse between the cliffs of successful and beautiful
but maybe i’ve always been here
living in the pits of my insanity stuck under the weights of my anxiety

all of these things are written on these crumpled pieces of paper
there are so many of them, i used to be in control, not anymore
the world feels as if it’s tumbling out of my hands
rolling down the hill and crushing my motivation with it
there are so many things on my mind
right now that no more would be able to fit 
in my brain, it’s overcrowded like an LA rush hour
with time speeding by, with me just sat there working from my tower.

i have reached maximum capacity
and yet i can't stop thinking things,
i can't stop saying stupid things,
i can't stop wishing things. 
i sigh, i reach up to my forehead and i swipe away remnants of exhaustion
and bend down to pick up my backpack that weighs far more than it should
with my shaky hands caused by a high intake of caffeine
that i now require just to stay awake in class
i’m tired but as i sit here avoiding responsibilities
and the anxiety that often travels along with it

i'm hoping that one day when i get to this place
of unbearable tensions in my shoulders
and stress that pulls the insanity directly from my mind
that translates to unrelenting tears falling from my eyes.
the top of my head will crank itself open
and all of these crumpled pieces of thoughts and worries
will pour out into a neat little pile
on the floor 
and disappear
at least for just a while.
that would be nice.
as my arms let go and the tension falls away along with my body
letting go of the stress and the pressures of
holding those pillars together
and fall through the sky
just so i have enough time to
take a truly deep breath.

here’s to a peaceful ending,
a crumbled paper ball fate.
May 9, 2018 2:22PM
During AP Week/theatre performance show of course.
Ellie 10h
lonely but surrounded
sad yet smiling
mind drowning in void
nonexistent feelings
thought everything ended
she's still far away from the end
her end ....
Juno 13h
why do you yell?
why do you say these horrible things
because you love me?
because i could never get anyone else to love me.
and i storm down the stairs and
crawl into my bed
covering my head
and i cry.
i cry waterfalls into rivers into lakes
while my mother strokes my hair
and i love her but i need her to leave
but i am scared of what will happen
if i am alone.
so i try to sleep, but i choke
everytime i lay down and each
morning i wake up with marks on my
cheeks.
breathing quickens as i remember
what happened the night before
and how i am too afraid to open my
bedroom door.
i consider the window.
consider the faulty lock.
consider walking to His house at 2am.
he is the only one i can count on.
but i cannot worry my brother like that
and my mother would be distraught
i want fresh air
and water
but i do not ever want to eat again.
the sight makes me sick.
I want to wander away from this forsaken house
to somewhere better.
but is the grass ever greener?
because at this moment it feels like every blade is
dried and dying.
feels like thunderstorms and rain clouds but not
the exciting kind.
the terrible,
melancholic,
cursed kind.
the compressing kind
the depressing kind.
the kind that makes you want to jump off a fucking bridge
but the water's freezing.
the kind that provokes earthquakes.
i don't even know what kind means anymore because
the only one who shows me
i have not seen since april.
think of how lucky you are,
warm house, family, friends,
but they wouldn't feel fucking lucky if they stepped inside my head.
if they knew how many flowers crumbled up and turned to dust
at my touch or if they knew what it was like to have
no clue who you are.

i can't even fucking breathe anymore.
Gather near
Young and old
A story of Winter to be told
The Blue-Haired Monster smiled at me
Then stole my soul with wicked glee
He knows my name

Gather near
Boys and girls
The Blue-Haired Monster’s tangled curls
Warned me of the danger
Yet stuck in the remainder
It knows my name
They say guys don't rape other guys. So what the fuck do you call what happened to me last December?
It's
okay
to step away.

To care for yourself.

To breathe.

To not
be okay
all the
time.
A child,
Yet still a man,
Last at deep sea.
His hands
Such rust.
His feet
So clean.
He did not know
When he screamed,
I heard.
Through his tears,
I sneer
For I am awake.
Dangerously near
Yet far, far away.
Dangerously near,
Centimeters away.
But you can’t see me.
I’m tricky that way.
I love you.
I love you.
And my love will,
It will,
Yes, it will.
It.
Will.
Kill.
The white-hot death
Frozen in a scream.
Never shall you leave
My embrace,
For I long to forever caress
Your face.
You’ll never know my true name
Though I am the source
Of your deepest shames.
The Red Man is gone,
Dead by your blade.
Perhaps it’s time for Blue
To stake his claim.
You won’t see me coming,
When you do it will be too late.
I’ll be having my fun.
When you see my wicked face,
Run.
The personification of depression
How
How I wish I could
Turn my back on sands of time
Tap quill on paper
Gaaaaahhhhh! Just when I thought I had my anxieties under control.
I hate when I feel out of it, but the best way to get it out is to write it out.
Lyn xxx
Fix
There are so many things I do want to fix
Which is why I am rather anxious
to be and not be seen
I question if I am
ready, and to
be honest
I

really
don't know
I want to fix and show
the best of me. Not the perfect
me, but a human me. So much I want
to fix about me. So much I have to fix about me.
Anxiety and insecurities on the rise for some reason now.
Lyn
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