If I could turn back time
to when I was a kid
I would redo all
of the things that I did
Just so that I wouldn't have to
relive
all the hurt that I've felt,
and the lies that
I've fibbed

If I could go back once
to when I was young
I would redo
all the of things I had done
Just so I wouldn't have to regain
all the struggle I went through
to work on my pain

If I could just rewind
to an earlier time
To change all the mistakes,
and rewrite all the rhymes
I would take myself back
to when I was nine
When I didn't know better
and the world was still mine

If I could escape
to before I was born
I would go back
just so that I could warn
My mother that she never wanted me here
But I'd show her the life I'd created from fear
I'd point out my flaws, and my anxiety
That all grew because she didn't want me
I'd show her how I was always afraid
Because I was the unwanted baby she made
I'd tell her that I never felt good enough
And how she made my childhood rough
I'd point out the hatred I feel for myself
Because I always wished
I'd been born someone else

If I could turn back the clock
and return to the past
I'd realize
I was forced
to grow up too fast

Arlo Disarray© 03/06/2021

I fear college will **** me one day.
Perhaps for some dark reason,
unknown to me until
it's too late.

The people who love me
now reassure me,
later pat my lifeless back.

She falls into the grasp of his hands
The ground crumbles as she stands
Her life is nothing but broken glass
The air is toxin and love is a gas mask
She breaks beneath the sound of his voice
The constant regret of her naive choice
Her world is gone with all she loved
The constant question of am I enough
She burned for the bullet in her chest
The shame brought to her family crest
Her name is now a word unspoken
The damage of a heart remaining broken
She feels the sharp pain of needles piercing
The pain that draws her to endless screaming
Her chest a blaze as she feels it all
The blisters and pus continue to scald
She falls to her knees praying to be free
The dream ends and she wakes from her sleep
Her heart still pounding and she's covered in sweat
The cuts in her skin she will never forget

Suddenly nothing else mattered
You were there
Your charm and humor
Suddenly I was ok
I used to watch as they walked all over me
Now I realize
I don’t deserve to be used
I am worth sacrifice
You give me your time
You call me yours
You aren’t ashamed
To be seen with me
To hold me
Out in the open
You stand up for me
When they stare and laugh
I feel safe next to you
I don’t know how long this will last
But I have issues and I have to ask
That you don’t use them against me
I don’t wanna jump all over you
But please don’t use it against me
I hope you see
I’m just scared
Hurt by way to many
I trust you
Don’t abuse that
I love you
Please don’t try to use that
My wrists are healed
I don’t want to reopen it
You fixed me
If you ever wanna leave
Let me down easy
I’m sorry if this scares you
I don’t wanna hurt you
I just want you to know what you’re getting into
Because what happens
When hands get put on me
More than you know
This is a warning

Save me and **** me
Hurt me and heal me
So priceless yet so tasteless
Why is this love
They tell me it's emotion
Others say action
Attitude and beliefs
Love is affection they say
Do they really know
Does anyone
To love
To live
To even breathe
It's all so hollow without a reason
I mean think
Really think
Can you honestly say that you know
This world is turning and no one cares
It's moving and breathing
But they don't notice
My questions fill my brain
Of what
Why, how, when
Tell me this
When was the last time you said
I love you and meant it
Or have you once said
I would live for you
Because dying is to easy
When I say I love you
I say it with every fiber
Every amount of my being
I would live for you
Because that's the challenge
Dying is not the point of living
Dying is the end of it
Where they remember you
Only for a short while
Then you are just Earth
Beneath their feet
Walked on
A vessel no more
Only dust
So tell me
Do you truly know the meaning
To love
To live
To breathe
Without, we are meaningless

I'm an animal
A puppet on a string
They control me
And I don't feel a thing
They think that they own me
I'm a monkey in a cage
And they can't distract me
From the war that has been waged
I'm envious of their freedom
My mind fills with rage
I'm sick and claustrophobic
my skin is turning green
My head is spinning
They ignore my scream
A sharp piece of wire
Sticking out from the weave
I push to my wrists
And I start to bleed
My blood turns to embers as my skin turns to ash
My soul leaks away
Forgetting it's past
No real death here
It's all to soon
No freedom should come
From forging your tomb
For this is only a dream
Bestowed upon me by the moon
Oh how I long for an opening
A way out of this mess
A pill or savior
Comes to take my stress
My hair is falling out
My bones begin to show
Starving for a familiar face
Someone that I know
But all that they tell me
It'll be over soon
Lay down and rest love
They whistle me a tune
All of these beautiful lies fill my head
A pretty whisper wakes up the dead
This is only a prism dream
Dressed under a grey screen
Those bright eyes can't stay hopeful
A star plummeting to the ground
They fight with me using actions ever hurtful
But this is only a dream

Sometimes the wind blows past my face.
And I ask myself "How come my dress won't fit me?"

Sometimes the bath water is cool.
And I ask myself "When will my job get easier?"

Sometimes I destroy old pictures.
And I ask myself "Will my brother be able to handle his responsibility?"

Sometimes lights scatter on my slender figure.
And I tell myself "I think I should draw now."

Sometimes people say things about being a happy person.
And I prepare myself "Work starts early tomorrow, I'll go earlier."

Sometimes I need to feel something.
And I state facts myself "That driver is a terrible driver, but I'm a good driver"

Sometimes the drugs i do make people ashamed to know me.
And I whisper to myself "Everyone around me is so stupid."

Sometimes people take advantage of my kind nature.
And I scream at myself "Ugh! Why is work so unbelievably inefficient."

Sometimes I remember I came from a broken home.
And my lungs burn with ash "But I'm trying to quit."

Sometimes I hide my darkest secrets of people who betrayed me.
And I wail at the ceiling "God this night is fun!"

Sometimes I dream about a life where I'm happy.
And I tell myself from the bottom of my heart "I'm happy to be who I am."

Sometimes I think about ending my life.
And I tell my friends "I need time and space to get better."

Sometimes I cry for no reason.
And my heart speaks to me "It'll pass."

Sometimes I remember my heart has been frozen for  decade.
And I pridefully spout "I wouldn't have it any other way."

Sometimes my nightmares give me anxiety attacks.
And I think "I need a warm shower to relax."

But tomorrow, after the dreams I can't handle have passed.
I'll forget a few more sad thing I've had done to me and have done to others.
And I'll echo the words of others to show them how stupid they are.
My heart will remain frozen to keep the few things I like about myself. Forget, forget, forget the memories that caused me so much pain. It's my only choice. Love, hate, pain, all of it has to go.
-------------------------------------------------------------­------------------------
Sometimes I think I'm broken.
And I have been broken many times.
And know he should have picked me.
Because I'm better.

Because I can control myself.