Cure me
Hurried energy
Churn inside
Exploding through flying limbs
Arching back

Turn me around
And around
And around

Stop

Soft fingertips
Caressing the air
Silk against my skin
Wrap me in comfort
Catch me
Safety net

Anxious thoughts
You cannot reach me
I am empty
Music fills my gaping soul

Every nerve
Connected
Intertwined
Stretching to each distal end
Drawing thoughts
Swirling through each wire
Conducting electric currents
Bursting out with each
Articulated
Isolated
Movement

These thoughts lay dead on the floor

Collapsing
Gasping
Sweating
I have won

I am alive

they don’t know.
they don’t know.
I tell myself over and over and over.
it’s impossible,
purely impossible,
for one to know my thoughts.
they cannot see me,
they cannot know,
so why is it I hesitate.
this feeling of paranoia,
so strong it drives me to insanity,
bedevils me even now.
I will myself to persuade my mind
that truly they do not know,
cannot know, will not know.
I tremble in the moment,
the ones that debilitate me,
leave me questioning my own reality.
it feels that they’re inside my head,
beckoning me...taunting me.
but I tell myself no, no,
no way in **** can they know.
for surely it is not possible,
for them to see me.
so why do these anxieties plague me,
over things I know they cannot know.

Something about the comfort of autumn—
in California our leaves go straight from green
to gone, if they choose to change at all.
The sun stays bright but the air starts to bite,
and the Santa Anas blow through to dry up
our last drops of livelihood. Most seem to like it—
the streets littered with death and ready to restart—
but the rough winds always hollow me out,
echo a haunting song off the tunnelled walls
of my bones. It’s about this time I empty out,
and fill instead with cotton mouth. My lips chap
and *****, but I smile silently, and I wait.

Streetlight slides throught the blinds,
Interrupts my sleep, I awake.
Mary quotes Lorca,
"Agony always agony."
She gasps for air, struggles to breathe.
-Outside the full moon and the starlight fades.
The cat and dog engage in the same old fight.
Neighbor's baby is awake,
- I can hear the cries.
I convince her to stay
and breathe
calmly
with the employ
of a lie.

You keep on running back to me,
You sneak into my skin,
Banging on my frail bones, shouting
“Please let me come in!”
I try to keep the blinds closed
And pretend that I’m not here,
But you wait until I yield to you
Before you disappear.

Laughs and smiles shared over scrambled eggs and ham
Giggles in class as secret notes are passed
Wandering the school halls with no worry in the world
This was the fantasy of childhood
Happy days were happy nights

Now happy days end with panic attacks and tears
I cannot remember the last time my smile was genuine
Joy never lasts and pain is all that remains
The happiest days have the most miserable nights

I stopped watching the news cuz
Under this rock, I feel safer.
I still listen to you cuz
I'm not much of a waver

No, I can't say, "Hi."
I won't say, "Bye."

The story still listens to you
And I'll be okay
Some how some way

I just want for you for you for you
To be okay

I know that you don't look at me either way

I stay stuck in the shadows
In circumference of trap holes

I know how to worry, so
It takes up most of my time

I just want for you for you for you
To be safe

I get worried so much and I look away
I don't like to read the expression written in transgression
I know you're better than that

I wish I could hug you
Stranger that sticks by you

I know I get nervous around crowds, don't you?
Like a venom that's poisoning...

I get lost in rambling...
I can't look up anymore

I know the stories
My neighbors don't care much for my pace

But I'm not in the rat race
Looking for work that's near my place

Somewhere I can get paid to sit down
Since I can't stand

I can't stand
To see you this way

I stopped watching the news
I know I've got the blues

I still worry for YOU
I just hope you
    will
       be
         okay....

She felt too many things, so many
she couldn't manage to process it all
so her brain was often flooded with
overwhelming thoughts of how everything
could go wrong until she couldn't manage
to think anything at all.
- saturated.