A shaky hand and oversensitive ears,
teary eyes and a frown in place.
A sniffle of the nose,
and eyes that roam around the room.
Swipes of the hand,
removing a tear.
These are the physical signs of

A cloudy mind and a torn soul,
wasted time and a head full of doubt.
Anger boiling inside,
and confusion lingering in the room.
The dismissal of hope,
shattering all logic.
These are the intangible signs of

originally written 7/9/16

If you were here right now
i would probably jump into
your skin and swim in your
veins forever.
despite all the bruises
the lying
the name calling.
i begged for god
to give me strength to leave
and now that you left me
i beg god for the strength to move
on and breathe.
you took everything from me.
how does someone come back
from this?
how do i learn to breathe again?
i'm so used to feeling fear
because of you.
now i'm finally free.

she asks me why i keep looking behind
closed doors
and i don't want to say but
i keep looking for something unbruised
or a distant feeling that's been renewed
or i don't know

a past memory. maybe an old life.

she asks me why i keep looking behind
closed doors
and i struggle to say that i miss the past.
that everything i lost was really all i had and
i miss it. i miss them.
i miss every time someone made me genuinely smile

i miss the times where people bothered to try.

she asks me why i keep looking behind
closed doors
when i know there's nothing of substance
and i don't want to say that
i find out a new disappointing fact every time
i peak behind that door,
an outstanding opportunity to break my heart,
an old smile that feels like happiness when i tend
to revisit,
and a part of me believes my care could revive it.

that's why i keep checking behind closed doors.

that's why ill beat the door down, until i can see right through it.

Self-hate rises like bile from the pit of my stomach and claws away at my throat -
the kind of pure loathing for which there is no antidote.
Revulsion of my reflection has claimed possession and poisoned me well;
and lead to a destructive path that is the equivalent of Hell.

Nik 17h

I keep my mouth closed,
using super glue like it's chapstick.
Lips sealed but hands free, writing my secrets into poetry,
I sometimes feel very cowardly only being able to share empty words about my empty feelings  to empty faces on this empty stage.
I don’t cry as often as I should, maybe I’m just drained, maybe I’ve just emptied
The drain that connects my tear glands to the rest of my body.
And on the off chance I cry-
my pillow must have nightmares from my screams,
and sometimes- sometimes I hear my pillow sobbing with me.

I haven't written anything worth posting until now
Erin 20h

I want to hide,
Somewhere tragedy can't find me
Somewhere I am free without responsibility
Where mental illness isn't draining
When I still have hope remaining
When every breath comes out with ease
This I am begging you please,
Just take me, I need time
To learn to breathe again

Once again, I feel as if I am slowly going crazy
angie 1d

something that most people have.
makes my hands sweat and shakes.
makes me tremble down the stairs.
makes me wants to be a shadow.
makes people think i’m not stable.
something that’ll haunt me forever,
and they don't intend to let me go.

Don't you think I want to be able to
have a drink with him
without the panic setting in.

Don't you see that when I say
my ex was an abusive alcoholic,
I mean that I'm still recovering.

Don't you feel my panic rising
with every sip of liquor
that flows down past his lips.

Don't you realize that when you
downplay my worry
your words are a vicious slap.

Don't you think that I do want
to get over it, but that I just
can't help but remember.

Don't you see the impact
I still feel from the squeezing
of his fingers around my neck.

Don't you feel any sympathy,
or are they just words to you,
"abusive ex."

Don't you realize that to me,
that was years of expecting death
at the hands of the one I loved.

So please, just. Don't.

Darling, it's a storm out there.
The winds howl like lonely wolves in moonlight.
Their throaty cries echo through this empty cage of a town.
The shutters shudder in the eerie fog
Creaking as they hang to the windows by a single screw.
In movies there would be dramatic music
But in this weather
The only sounds are the cracks of trees losing limbs
And individual rain drops attacking every surface with the united force
Of the pacific ocean.
It's a deafening silence.

Darling, you're not ready to face it.
You think you've experienced it all
After jumping through puddles
And watching the leaves blow down the street in the warm breeze.
But you don't know what you're up against.
It's never ending, this storm.
It will knock you off your feet and throw you to the walls
It will take your breath away with strength of repressed anger.
You don't know what you're getting yourself into.
The locals have adjusted, they know the drill, they know the signs.
You have much to learn.

Darling, I'm trying to protect you.
It will send shivers up your neck
Because it's not the kind of storm you see coming from twenty miles away.
It will sneak up on you when you least expect it, but you can't blame the sky for the clouds it didn't mean to create.
You will get angry, you won't understand.
I'm not trying to drive you away my dear,
But the longer we know each other the closer the storm will creep.
So let's enjoy the sunshine as long as we can
Until you have to face my baggage.
Because this storm and I are one.
This storm consumes my mind.
This storm is part of who I am.
And I don't think you're read to fight it.

Darling, for now, just lay with me.
In the eye of the hurricane.
Surrounded by the thunder
But blissfully oblivious.

Darling, one day,
When you promise me you'll stay,
The sun will fade to grey
And it will rain.

how I picture explaining mental illness to a partner/friend/relative

Tell me something
Tell me anything to get these thoughts off my mind

It can be a story
What happened during your day
Even things about me

Just tell me something
Because these annoying thoughts won’t get out of my head

Tell me about how Alice fell through the rabbit hole
Tell me about the people at work
Tell me you love me

Just tell me something
Because the thoughts are getting louder

Tell me something happy
Something light hearted
Anything thats better than death

Just tell me something
Because currently I just want to die

Tell me about the good luck you had getting home
About how someone was flirting with you
How your mom called you today

Just tell me something
Because the thoughts are getting meaner

Tell me about a movie you just saw
Something gross you saw today
Something to remind me about the future

Just tell me something
Because the thoughts make me want to die

Tell me about how much you love the character and hot he was
About how you picked a grey hair out
How we are going to pick our kids up from the bus stop

Just tell me something
Because I cant help myself anymore

Actually stop talking to me
Shut up about these things
I cant handle it anymore

Just tell me something
But you aren’t helping anymore

All I can hear is how you only love me when I’m sad
All I can picture is the other guy being better than me
All I can think about is how you think about the movie while we have sex

Stop telling me things
Because you’re only making it worse

You only mean it when I am sad
Of course he’s better than me
I don’t blame you

I’m gonna pretend to sleep now
And I hope you stop talking
Because now the thoughts have taken over

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