white silver bullets
barrage the trees and the roof
in chaotic sound
despite our defense constructs
it always ends to the ground

It’s like I’m sitting, watching a love scene in a movie where teens are driving and swimming and laughing and I'm immersed and enjoying it, but then the harsh, violently, fluorescent lights behind me turn on and the director yells “Cut!” and my brain is hijacked by a new reality of fake. lonely, nothingness.

fuck,
I saw you liked an insta post on
something that I might have done long ago
and you even commented on it and now I don't know
if you're annoyed with me or if you want me to go
but I'm already far away and each and every day
I've been staring at the wall for all the hours I'm awake
you're occupied with your school work
trying to pass the time
and I can't even write you a song because my
poems rarely rhyme.
I keep wondering if I did something to make you not like me
but it's kinda hard to fuck things up when all I do is sleep.
I know it's my anxiety that makes me feel like this
but just this afternoon I wrote a paper about your kiss
it's probably a piece of shit that never could compare to
the way you make me feel, I could never even dare
to try to put exactly what you mean to me into words
and I'm sorry that I'm paranoid
I think I'm getting worse.

i've been having a difficult time
deciphering fact from fiction and fiction from
dreams i had when i was a child,
the percolation of the cells
in my chest grow heavy, enormous,
even,
pushing into my throat these
cries for anything
but drowning, anything but
tornadoes all alone,
but awkward kisses and tear-stained
celestial sheets of cotton.
where is my passion? have they taken it all?
was all that blood i've shed a lie?
do i want to end up dead?
i thought intellectual stimulants
and forced photographs in front
of that fountain, again,
could be enough to elevate my senses
back to reality, but i have only
learned how to decorate the darkness,
to numb the throbbing thoughts,
to stuff full the leaking veins of
love and lust and lost breaths,
enough to get out of bed
and into his or his or his
because i remember this place
from a dream i had as a child
and it hurts, i hurt, you hurt,
i smile and ask for more

There was a time I came late and walked into a class of ten,
while the rest were down for recess.
I had just gotten pills for anxiety and mild depression from a doctor I just met.
And in that moment, in the class, I just wanted to be held.
But you didn't see me, you were laughing at the back with a friend.

I couldn't contain my feelings so I turned around and tried to run,
but two steps out of the classroom, I fell on my knees and simply broke down.
The pain was so bad, I tried to stop it, but I couldn't.
It was stabbing at my chest and my tears were rolling down.

But a group of girls came around and they put their arms around me.
All I remember was wanting to scream, I was gasping for air.
They carried me up and walked me back into the class of only ten.
The cold air in the room just made everything worse.
Then again my tears rolled down but this time you saw the mess.
I looked up at your face, pushed people away and I ran.

I slammed the door of the cubicle, fell once again on my knees.
Then I heard the footsteps of people running, followed by the banging against the door.
They were asking the obvious; if I was doing okay.
Even a fool would know that was not what I needed.

I got out of the space after all of them left,
To look into the mirror at my swollen face and what a mess I turned into.
My eyes were red, and my heart was throbbing and I felt a fever coming on.
My ponytail a mess, my hands were shaking and I was still gasping for air.

I walked out like that, as everything was hard to bear.
And at the corner, you were there.
It hurt me so much cause you were staring, you saw for the first time just how weak I was.
But what you said didn't help, like the rest, "Are you okay?".

I was going to open up and tell you everything I was going through in hope that you could help me.
But I lied, and instead, said my grand was in her dying days.
I broke down once again at the words I just let out and fell into the arms of the person I just lied to.

I just wished you had held me without saying a word,
and gave me that warmth that I needed cause I felt so cold.
It was bad, it was so so painful
and if by chance you come to read this, now you know.