I've written about it so many times
but my pain is still invisible,
wrapped up in beautiful words.
I wish someone would rip them apart,
revealing the cruelty of it all.
But still i'm standing here
dressed in a blanket of suffering,
trying to turn it into something beautiful,
but i've run out of ideas.
I'm trying to make you notice me,
lying in the arms of solitude,
naked, scared and worn.
I feel so vulnerable even thinking about it.
My only way to speak about it is poetry
and i've already said everything,
I'm only repeating myself.
But it's in vain,
comfort's still out of reach.
A "poem" every day.
i know you wanted diamonds
(maybe even gold)
but things aren't like that
and i'm not always in control
spent the morning staring at the ceiling
things are different
it's on inside my head
i know you wanted
diamonds unto gold
but things aren't perfect
and you got the broken mold
do you feel the weight dripping
down across my skin
you throw me into the fire
pretend that it's a kiln?
but ill formed creatures
only crack and break
the glaze you wanted
to gild the golden lily
things are kind of complicated now mom. it's not your fault, it never has been.
My Mind Is Screaming TOday
Saying *** YOU'RE Not OK
STARTED As A normal day
THEN MY Thoughts began to decay
Thought Of Me And YOU
THEN Outta The BLUE
The Thought Of Losing YOU
NOT BECAUSE YOU can't love me
But BECAUSE Im Unlovable
This Is Why They Always LEAVE
I'm Mentally broken
I'm too needy
I Attach so quickly like a leech
They ALL End Up LEAVing
ONE TOLD Me I was the best but left me anyway...
If I'm THE Best THEN WHY Give Me Away?
I am happy....
So WHy do I wanna cry today
I Am Beautiful in and out...
It's MY Mind That's the one that likes to shout....
Am I Unlovable...
Or DO I convince my self I am?
DO I Make Them LEAVE...
Or Do I LOVE TO Hard?
Is IT Actually them like they say
... or is it me...
And I'm Really Not OK
All it took,
Was another crack in the shell
To come crumbling down
In a river of red and regret
Out in the open,
Oozing out my soul for others to see,
Some relate, some scoff,
I need not their pity,
I need a break from blaming myself.
When will I break from breaking down?
with my track record, you're practically shooting down a corpse at this point
One step at a time
One task at a time
One day at a time
One second at a time
Maybe I won’t break down this time.
One step.. two step.. three step...
My mental health is like a rubber band.
If you pull it too far, it will get tight.
Until you pull it to hard.
definitely not one of my best
Months ago we stayed up until 3 am talking.
Now I can't even say hey to you without having a mental breakdown .
It isn't your fault
Will I let anyone in.
Will I begin
To bring myself closer,
To being happier.
I will never move on,
For I've been done.
I will not wait,
No not in this state.
Nor even if someone
Was to find me,
And I start to be.
Will I be sad
Or be mad.
Will I let anyone in.
Cause when I've been
There is no use for
Will I make the same mistake.
And let someone in,
For my heart to break.
There is so much going on in my mind, again and again...
the coffee's too bitter and i'm losing my tether
to the world of dreams grounding me to reality.
i think i want to sleep but the coffee's too bitter,
and my mind takes a thought and runs with it.
i'm feeling it, feeling hopeless bloom in my chest again.
i think that i don't care for once.
****, sadness won't let me rest again.
i'll just fail for once. let me fail for once.
i'm tired but the coffee tastes bitter on my tongue.
i should be studying but i'm getting so hung
over my spinning mind. it feels nice to unwind
when you're so high strung.
but i'm falling and falling into this black hole
and i fear that i don't really mind it.
so where's the ******* point,
where's the light dawning down on me?
where's my epiphany?
bitter coffee makes me bitter, makes me sadder,
makes me think harder 'bout where i'm supposed to be.
now it's 1 am and i can't sleep.
the ice has melted in the cup.
i'm self admittedly in love with
the idea of not giving a ****.
- i forgot i even wrote this till i found it in my notes two months later
- wrote this when i should've been studying for my calc finals (which i was gloriously failing)