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So much to say, so few words find my lips
It’s like I kissed a girl
And gave her all my words

At first I thought it was my breath
She took away

She spoke and I listened
In awe,
Of the way her sentences glided from
The back of her throat, tongue, teeth, lips-

I once kissed a girl
And left all my words on her lips
Like some weird- fucked up- homoerotic
Little Mermaid

She was Ursula and Prince Eric
Stealing my freedom
My voice but still
My captain, knight in shining armor

She was the prince
The sea witch
Everything I was warned of
Everything I still dreamed about

When Ursula took Ariel’s voice
She used it for another
But she used it for me
On me-
But the good words got used up

They were on a countdown timer
Without restart or pause
Then there were only bad words
Then none

I once kissed a girl and gave her all my words
Now I have none left.
I found my grandmother the night she died
The room filled with mourning tears
My mother slapped me
because I hadn't cried in two days
At 18 how do you emotionally process a body that once held a life?

Disconnected from my thoughts
I felt neither pain nor love nor loss
How could I say that, without feeling defective
but I couldn't get past that shell with empty eyes
that stared at me until I noticed they weren't smiling

When the body turned to flesh
she was gone and I was lost
in those empty eyes that seemed to
hold a universe of nothing
and if I stared too long I'd disappear in that void
where her light used to shine


Too soon, I held my mother's hand as she passed
and watched the life leech out of her skin
The eyes were the last part of her to fade
I stared at her
Willing with all that I am that they would
spark and reignite the fire of who she was
But her skin ran cold the second the light ceased
So cold, yet so very soft.

Two days, and a blended family to hold up
Even with makeup, dressed to the nines
It didn't feel less... wrong
She was beautiful, but she wasn't my mother

I couldn't escape the knowledge
of invisible sutures
As I held her face and fixed her hair
I cursed those television shows I once watched with her
The ones that taught us how things worked
The ones that burned the knowledge of
the sutures into my memory
a memory I couldn't escape

Four days and two shoulders heavy with tears
Too busy with paperwork and wishes
to bleed tears of my own
Thankful for things to do
So I wouldn't get lost in her empty eyes
that stared at me whenever I closed my own

I sit here, grown, wondering how to
emotionally process a body that once held a life?
Praying that she will slap me for not being able to cry
Just so I could feel her
I miss you Mami
Audio file:
And though we've all commonly been caressed by oppressive distress,
We're granted the opportunity
To Repossess
Our spirituality.

These are the rules that reign our domain.
i remember the day he asked me
"Yo, Boogz, you wanna run a session",
What the fuck was he thinking?
shit, I'll run it on a neurotic progression
Of this lyrical obsession,
Forget your indiscretion,
I'll leave your head knotting in impression
Have you second-guessing the oppression of this "session",
And embedded with my confessions,
No order or succession,
Personal expression is not my profession, but I think im getting clear to you

If you want meaning out of this,
Good luck I'm gonna need a C-section,
See, its all words strung together only identifiable by the person who wrote 'em,
Any questions?

Good, cuz i have one for you.
Have you ever seen a person with a soul glimmering gold
Who strolled down the wrong road?
A person who stowed such a load of mold
That he couldn't unfold,
And the end result was to implode?

Well I've met a lot of them. Including me.
In fact this room is full of them.
But we're not outcasts
unless we place that label on our skin,
There's too many good intentions fighting to win,
But its almost like we have this evil twin,
This Mr. Hyde that hides within,
It's actually a good thing the shell is thin,
And since we all share this downfall,
It doesn't matter what shade our skin is... we're kin.
Our tears run from eyes in the same que.
We've all been beat down,
Felt defeated,
To cry
But we all grow bolder,
Become generals,
And in order to be a general - first you gotta be a soldier.

I commend all men who ascend to the end,
Whose worlds of pretend
Transcended through the bends,
Twists, and all kinds of mends, to meet.

The ones who make are examples,
That we don't have to die.

The journey of a million tears,
Starts with that first lump in your throat.
It's only a speed bump.
You can get over it.
Your addiction.
JermBoogz Oct 3
I ask for a full glass of the elixir I asked you for before.
Something inside me cries, more then it did before.
Or ever actually
Weeks, and days, turn to hours, minutes, seconds, but still ripple of moments.
Moments that find me back here lusting for the poison that becoming, so becoming.
Maybe im here cause my father craved this chair.
Maybe im here cause he’s seeing my day become D-day, and not just today but everyday, all day and probably tomorrow too.
13 years old, crying for help,
a little boy appeared at his meadow of wisdom,
and all he says is  “have a drink with me”
So I drink, I drink some more, and I drink enough that now the foot of my bed
has become this wooden armrest where I meet a new neighbor by the hour,
My bed pillows have become this poison,
the only feeling that lays my head to rest, battles caged and blurred in routine, battles with the child inside me,
the man now, and everything in-between.
Anneli Sep 28
pushing against my chest
longing to get heard,
trying to fit into my heart

Words that I have so carefully
not let in
That I have so intentionally
left outside,
not giving space for them to be spoken

It's just stupid, isn't it?
How they always catch up on you
Whether it's through a sound,
a stroke or simply through a word
How they always stay, no matter how unwanted they are
They always stay

just like you.
words spoken cast shadows,
twin eyes glow in the dark
take my hand, don't be afraid
your touch ignites my heart

your lips call me back
from the darkness deep within
purging monsters from my mind,
setting fire to my skin
Check your vitals

Snap the Nitrile
Up to the elbow

we're gonna stretch and
pull the protector down.

Play an Avant-garde film
no sound, but

I noticed
you spoke it

credits were rolling'
down your cheek

nothing certain but death and taxes
left handed laughing' laxatives
In the coffee of mothers
Who pump out politicians.

This year You scavenged for Christmas
a life worth living
by killing intuition

stash it
in an Easter basket
in silicone lashes

push the ashes together
then burn the mattress
That's the sand.

through fingers, you make a fist
3rd grade principal

pulled you from detention
In a stretcher

white royal flush in the trenches
You fought to be human
all you needed was
a breath of attention

who said you could end it
win it, prescription of tribulations

from whatever God you'd scavenge for Christmas
he put you through it

all the abuses

black and white canvas
silent obscuring angles

You're more than mannequin

who prayed for this madness
who pays for the therapist
If you even have it
who kept you out of church
And into church basements
writes the book of curses
force fed sedative

Says he went to college.
His Suit is stained in coffee
Yet you're the burden with the vices?

The film is over
the light flickers darkness
we sit in the coffin

smoking' and screaming'
blood is flowing, but there's

no fire
we're just speaking'

what happens after 3AM
witching hour that one scene

when the camera angle was

it spoke to me
said self examination can't be

you gotta s

they're cut resistant
cover five fingers

not just one appendage.
Blue hands protect you

more than a stranger
so button your blanket

take down the black curtains
sun was always shining,

closed it
to blurry our focus

could take our Macguyver theater
wallpaper canvas stretching

hit us in the temple
like a parshah

finished another session
the blessing of human language

the messenger
malakh, without expectation

we fumble to understand
Scalpel in hand,

ventricle in tact
we're just holding' a feather pen
stick our hands in the past

take a look in the mirror
And write it all down.

Original Freestyle Recording of Nicholas Mercier Coulombe's poem" Self-Examination" in his car over the Chillhop song "It's Ok" by Yuutsu off of the Album Transience. [BEFORE REVISIONS]

Album Art by Rush Brown

Updated Poem Below
as of: 9/21/18
Tiffany Sep 20
Depression is a disease that so many people do not understand.
Depression draws you in and makes your life awful; a living hell.
Depression makes you want to crawl under your covers on your bed, pull them over your head, and act like the world around you  doesn’t exist.
Depression is a hole that I fell into and could not get out of; Could not escape from.
I was left kicking, screaming, crying, wailing for help but staying completely still and completely silent as to not let anyone know that I was struggling; that I was suffering.
I was left screaming, screaming that my name is not Alice and this is not Wonderland. Why am I falling into this hole that is not the rabbit hole.
Why am I falling into this hole.
Why am I the one that has to suffer.
I once read in the Bible, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
But I did not feel cared for.
I did not feel God nor did I want to convince myself to believe that I did.
I was stuck falling down the rabbit hole that is my depression, meeting the Mad Hatter of which I’d like to call anxiety.
I felt so small when everyone else thought I should feel so big, so happy.
Not trapped in a jar, but in this “amazing” place that we call Earth.  
“You should be happy to be alive.”
“You should appreciate all the things that you have.”
“You should just be happy.”
I’m not happy to be alive. I do appreciate the things that I have.
I can’t “just be happy.”
It’s not that simple; stop making it out to be that way.
Depression is not an emotion.
Depression is not just something you say you have when you get sad.
Depression is a disease that so many people do not understand. Nor will they ever.
Sin Sep 20
We were five years old full of laughter and joy

We thought nothing could touch us

Invincible as we ran through the field at recess
We swore we were the
The quickest

We grew up together?
we grew apart together.

held hands with my best friends
In 6th grade
Making a pact that neither of us would do drugs

But it's three in the morning
And I'm smoking my second bowl at the beach.

Traded my Capri sun for a cup of lean

We run from the cops because we still swear we're the

The quickest

We still think we're untouchable

Even as we walk through these halls sleep deprived

Nobody knows what happened last night

We wish we didn't know what happened that night

We refuse to acknowledge the events of that night

We won't even manage to look at each other in the eye

When they ask who's at fault
We repeat
Not I
Not I

So what does this mean for us?

Is this what we were so excited for?
Is this the moment we were so impatient for?

I couldn't wait to grow up

Now we're in the bathroom throwing up

These drugs we refuse to give up

I'm lost in a life that I was not prepared for

It's not like I didn't have a plan

In fact,

We had a plan

V was going to be a teacher
J was was going to be a fire fighter
N was going to be a power ranger
don't know how but we were five and everything seemed possible

And I
I wanted to change the world

But you know things happen

People change

V is having a baby
J is moving dope
N is six feet under

And I?
I'm trying really hard to keep it together

after that night we were just not the same

We lost ourselves
Just not the memory of that night

Some parts I remember more  vividly

My skin feels dirty
Just remembering

I know you felt guilty
And I have to admit that
For a long time
I hated all of you

But never as much as I hated myself
For losing control

For not finding the words to say

For thinking that maybe,

That maybe if I drank enough
I could drown the voices in my head telling me to kill myself

I wasn't satisfied with my life
I'm still not satisfied with my life
No matter how much alcohol I drink
No matter how much I fill my lungs with smoke
It won't ever fill this empty void.

Everyone was laughing and dancing downstairs.

But I felt sick.

He said he would help me feel better.

He was my friend.

My body felt heavy I just wanted to lie down.

I could smell the tequila on his breath as he whispered

"Trust me".

I closed my eyes in hopes that he would stop.

He said
"Don't worry, I've done this before"

My voice was gone
I stayed there in silence

He left to the bathroom
I left his bedroom

He almost got what he wanted
And nobody helped me

We tried pretending that nothing had happened

We all blamed each other

Best friends forever
No longer together

I'm done pretending that nothing happened
I'm done making up excuses as to why I freeze up when I'm touched at times
I'm done staying quiet

But I want you to know that
I'm done being angry
It wasn't your fault
I shouldn't have blamed you

And despite everything,
I forgive him too.

I remember back when were five years old full of laughter and joy

We thought nothing could ever touch us.

Back when we were

Sin Sep 20
I wonder if he cried this hard.

Hard enough to be heard if you were really listening.

But soft enough to be dismissed completely if you weren't paying  attention.  

I wonder if he felt his chest rip apart as he imagined his mothers face as she walked into her sons room to see him dead.

I wonder if he replayed every little thing that lead to his death.

I wonder if he tried to scream out for help.

I wonder if he threw everything on the floor of his room in desperation.

I wonder if he was angry?

I wonder if anyone knew

I wonder if they were listening

I wonder
are listening?
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