It’s not easy to move on,
from the last 12 years.
It’s not easy to erase them,
the memories you imprinted on me.

I know you’re a better man now,
but does that make up for everything?

I can’t forget the nights
I was sobbing in my room,
all alone, with no one to turn to.
I can’t forget the sound of your voice,
as it echoed through my room—
so loud, I put my hands over my ears,
yet I still heard it, loud and true.

I can’t forget the sound of broken dishes,
as you threw them across the room.
The sound of my favorite mirror shattering,
as you punched through it,
and turned your hand—and my heart—
red and blue.

I can’t forget the late-night hospital visits,
the stitches, the injections,
the crying and screaming—
all because you wanted that **** high,
the one you got from your bottles,
the one you wanted so much more than me.

I say that I have forgiven you,
although in my heart, that’s far from the truth.
I don’t know if I’ll ever even be able to,
not after you made my best years
so nightmarish,
that I shudder when I think of them.
I shudder when I think of you.
I wonder if you shudder too.

A battle, a war — my hopes, my peace,
A storm inside that feels to never cease.
Pain in me, like winds that break all that goes,
And reason? Is it there? Nobody knows.

The dreamer, or the dream that wakes?
The mind that gives or the one that takes?

To struggle within is to be alive,
A flame that fights just to survive.
If war was not within me, would I still be me?
Or just a shadow, drifting free?

So let there be winds strong to tear and spin,
For even torn, I rise — and win.

the sun is as hot as spaghetti
steaming with a sauce
served with a side of sizzling hot cherries.

my tie is so tight I cough in silent h's
and I'm sweating
my pores shooting out like a fountain
and my face, like an umbrella in the rain.

no time to think
no time to reason
"Ding, Ding DIING!"
I jump like I was slapped on the cheek
my beard itches, my right eye twitches
"What the F* is this?"
I write out the first words that come to me
"Ding, Ding, DIING!"
but I'm not done writing
I look at the bell,  "you f*king ****"
and I jump again, like there was a puddle before me
my head is as hot as popcorn
no, even hotter
and you can hear it pop
from the front and from the back
"Ding, Ding, DIING!"
i jump again
it's me vs. a bell.

A natural yet cruel reminder,
That we all have a hidden number.
Of decades, or years, or months, or days,
Left on this world, before we fade away.
“Grandpa had a fall in the middle of the night”.
And you start praying that he can win this fight.  
“Grandma has cancer and it’s terminal”
And you start hoping for a proper miracle.
“Your uncle Ben can’t walk without a cane”
And you start blaming God for all this pain.

Fail safes, like preventive measures;
What percentile are you willing to lose?
You will lose them all.
Don't arrest you family
To the error of your decisions,
Take my advice
And don't take anyone with you.

if the lines of code
that capture all these thoughts  
somehow bubble up
in a distant pool
in a plasma of pixels
in a far off river of an era
and spill out into the world
let it be known
that i am doing my best
i am fighting the good fight
i am here on the right side
the lovers’ side
and let it be known
that i’ll do my part
to burn it all up
if i have to

I will soak my mind in kerosene
and strike the match with my teeth;
I will burn myself to the ground
a thousand times
before I will become
the worst of my natural beast.

Only when there are no options
will the stinging vines trap me there
in the ditch of dark consciousness.
Only then will the mud at my feet
finally seize the rest of me
and feast on my warrior bones.