I grew through
What I went through
I still have
that same issue
I still have
that feeling of
Saying
that I miss you
When I see
your favorite color
I always think
I always wonder
What might have been
A former lover

But then I know
that I remember
You ******* ****
And I've done better
Off without you
I'll count the numbers
I'm better off
You'll always love her
I'm better off
And I'm no better
I'm better off
How'll I recover?
I'm better off
Without you
Yeah
I'm better off
Without you

It always pains me
when I see you
two together
Just you wait
until you tell her
all the crazy **** you've done
and that you'll never
stay forever
Or that you're scared
to be alone
you're always looking
at your phone
Hey what's it like
atop that thrown?
It must be nice
I wouldn't know


But then I know
that I remember
You ******* ****
And I've done better
Off without you
I'll count the numbers
I'm better off
You'll always love her
I'm better off
And I'm no better
I'm better off
How'll I recover?
I'm better off
Without you
Hey
you're better off
without him

i realized i had been born in the wrong body
when i was thirteen
shortly after my grandmother died
shortly before my fourteenth birthday
shortly realizing my body had been made shorter than was necessary
watching a movie with my younger sister
and realizing
that she was crying
but my eyes were glass
incapable of being born to cry
it was a sad movie
but i was more absorbed in my own thoughts
spinning this web around
pressing my body back down
puberty turns everyone upside down
i wanted to turn my skin inside out
nobody likes acne
i found parts of my body rising in areas other than my face
the difference was
you cannot pop your chest
i felt fear
in ways not unmatched by how i feel when i’m told to think about my future
i was scared
how do you just deal with
living in the wrong body
and god made it known
that the answer was
wear clothes that don’t fit you
a baggy t-shirt cannot hide
my vocal cords
when i’m rambling
or my height
no matter how tall i stand up
when i’m asked
what i would say to one person that i’d been too scared to tell them
i do not hesitate in saying
“i’d say ‘i’m sorry, i was too scared to tell you’”
but i am lying
because i would say
i’m sorry
over and over
i’m sorry
for not being born as your granddaughter
the way i should’ve been
and in some ways
when i wear a suit to my performance
and ask if the one sitting next to me has been binding their chest
for a few hours longer than is safe
i wish
that i had the opportunity
to break my own ribs
the way they do
because i would like
nothing more
than to have trouble breathing
if it meant
i was allowed to recognize my reflection

they nod their head
as if they understand
but don't fool with me
your eyes are glazed
and the notes that you are scribbling
cant measure the pain ive felt
i pull out the symptoms from clenched teeth
legs swinging in the air
on and on
an endless list
you grow restless
and when i open my mouth to continue
you walk out the door
that's when i realize
even the doctors don't know what to do with me
Esther L. Krenzin

there is a door at the foot of my ribcage
that says "do not enter"
yet they knock anyways
inviting themselves into my home
only to leave
when they've seen enough.
Esther L. Krenzin

knew it wasn't healthy
scrolling through old texts.
you snuck time to text me
you weren't doing what you should be,
" Je t'aime a la folle",  I love you madly.
morning by morning
my screen lit up
every morning waiting for you,
my heart flutters like its all brand new.
ur consistent clues
it's like you just knew
how much I had fallen for you.

you read me like a book
understood how I felt with every look,
we stood so strong
strong for so long,
not even recognizing our insane compatibility
it was easy, to just be.
you made me feel proud
loving me for me
genuine, compassionate
can't you just be here next to me?

my phone misses your calls
I want to be the person you confide in when you fall
but you don't,
you don't want to reveal yourself at all.
standing on your own
please know you're not alone.

It wasn't a problem
just a tick really
it's kind of silly

It was nothing much
correcting tilted things
organizing rings

It wasn't a problem till after
when nothing was clean
and hands had to gleam

Skin was cracking
it was like a disorder
everything had to be in order

In the beginning,
A slight flame,
so pretty.

There is no cold,
Just a lack of heat.

You still were the warmest place they knew;

To even force a fire out of you.

To burn you down to ashes,
Left with not even a spark,

There still is no warmer place than you.

Even when it's left with no fire,
Not even warmth,
But cold.

I want to be with the person,
who always comes through to me,
the person who somehow,
against all odds,
makes a miracle.

Being in love with someone you can't have,
And not just moving on,
Thats crazy! There is no other word for that.

     There is a word for that-
IT'S LOVE!
If you're looking for the word,
That means caring about someone,
Beyond all rationality
And wanting them to have everything they want,
No matter how much it destroys you-
It's love!
And when you love someone,
You just.. you.. you don't stop-
EVER!
Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy,
Even then-
Especially then!!
You just.. you don't give up!
Because if I could give up,
If I could take the whole worlds advice
And move on and find someone else,
That wouldn't be love..
That would be some other disposable thing, that is not worth fighting for,
But that is not what this is.

Captured in an empty forrest.
My mind has left me today.
Ran away on it's own, alone.
He has fled me, when the sky got grey.

My body, alone soulles.
Never to be found, here in the ground.
But he's off to a better place, my mind.
And I have gotten used to it, the sound.

It's the noise of madness that keeps pesting me.
Silence is lonely, but can ease me at times.
My mind now in a lush pink cloud.
While my body is stuck with self influenced mimes.

But when he got back, my mind.
He was in for quite a shock.
He would never have expected.
Chaos, disaster, as timed by a ticking clock.

Being back to reality as if awaking from a dream.
But the dream not ending but becoming a nightmare.
And your life is filled with monsters.
The judgement, the dissapointment, the deadstare.

As if everybody can live your life better than you.
Yet they still prefere to live their own lives.
And my mind being numb, not knowing were to start.
While others are still on a pink cloud, thinking of their strives.

If there was a better way to live my life.
Don't you think, I'd live it that way?
I'm not as masochistic as I seem, you know.
I do not prefere things this grey.

I know what I'm doing, and know much is wrong.
But many of the thing I do, the things I've done.
Where only when I got pushed against a wall.
Or do you think I did it all for fun?

Captured in an empty forrest.
My mind will leave me tomorrow
Run away on it's own, alone.
Leave me again with my own sorrow.