Legs longly stretch across my unconscious Hands gently tangling the wormy lines of brain A rearranging to make me theirs Docile Compliant Obedient To think as one My insula My Prefontal cortex Swollen blobs My begging eyes crying brain to be loved Like spiders Skittering Scattering Across my battered brain My blame turned inward I who did this But it was you was it not You who turned my left and right into the north poles of magnets You who turned my mind into silly putty and broken glass Shredding and reforming Never whole Never BROKEN
Lately I’ve felt as though every little sound and feeling and smell and sight is grating at my nerves and chipping away at my sanity.
My clothes feel constricting and too loose and scratchy and smooth and not right
My ears are full of constant ticking and ringing and noise
My skin wraps my frame too tightly and I want to rip it apart and off of me but then I’d be cold and miserable
It’s all too much and everything is loud and jarring and I feel frenzied and too stuck and not stuck enough and all I want to do is jump in front of a van because then everything would Just Be Quiet. Blessed and sought-after and evasively, quiet.
Shots fired armor donned shielding the softness displayed so openly in the springtime haze of youth fear chokes trust persuades us that everyone is hiding a knife up their sleeve we package up our vulnerability wrap our heart in bubble wrap expecting each wound to bleed a little less but healing is impossible in the absence of oxygen.
After researching about the pineal cyst in my brain. I have finally have answers to the identity crisis I was experiencing over the last 15 years.
The pineal cyst was in fact responsible for my gender confusion same as the depo injection which caused me more my issues to worsen and it was all simply through hormone changes;
It would often increase Testosterone and this created minor physical changes which made more hair grow than usual on my legs and sometimes the hair would even grow on my chin my mum would have to pluck them with tweezers as a teenager I would often feel awkward and embarrassed of my appearance.
It would also cause mental changes in the brain and would alter the way I would behave and led me into participating in more masculine interests and activities it would make me more more aggressive and made my fiery tempers worst.
The hormone changes were so very quick in the brain causing the confusion, it even distorted the way I perceived my body image and would always make me feel like an alien that never felt comfortable in its own skin. I never really felt I fit into any category; there was times where I would talk, behave and dress very feminine and then there were times where I looked in the mirror and the pretty dress I wore a day a go didn't look or feel right I would often have a change in clothing a few days later nd wear more jeans and band t-shirts. I even wore male clothing in town so I could blend in and feel more safe not be targeted sexually by men who would often make funny and rude gestures which made my skin crawl.
I fell in love more with wearing an more uniform / neutral style of clothing like suits and trousers; I did secretly like wearing my school uniform as a teenager it would often make me feel more comfortable I didn't ever feel male or female in puberty just saw myself as Kim and sometimes would even address myself more in a more third person rather than an he or she the older I got as I was often confused in the direction I was taking and didn't know what gender I really was I have learned over the years to accept this is me and it will never change.
I didn't think it would be even possible in my life time to ever have a child with my bad lifestyle and hormone problems I was so happy when it did happen and for a very good reason it helped me to sort my life out for the better.
Being called mummy however felt alien at first I have now fully accepted this name and role for me in Life and it no longer feels strange. I will tell Sophie as she grows older when she's a teenager what I have been dealing with over the years its best to be honest with your kids and have no secrets. I have always been honest with my other half from the start of our relationship and I want Sophie to grow up being more open minded and have some awareness of gender and body image she can then appreciate and find her own identity in Life too.
I will always be there for her regardless of her choices I will teach her to think carefully first before making any important Life decisions that you can never change again
At one point it felt weird being called a man or woman; I don't mind now being called by any of these pronouns I will respond to being called either of them; my main preference however would be for people to simply if in doubt call me by my first name Kim or Kimmy.
My way to deal with my identity issues or (dual identity) as I call it is not in fact to ever reject or ignore these feelings; this causes more depression and alienation in the brain to get the right moral support in place.
Talking therapy really helps break the identity barriers down so I don't feel alone and to simply take notice of these feelings and dress more how I'm feeling for the day sometimes it might just enough to satisfy these feelings / hormone changes;
One day I will feel comfortable with my identity for now that's the way I will overcome this issue. this might make me quirky and strange to other people but I am just being me.
Trigger Warning - If you are triggered by any gender / identity then feel free to scroll over my poem as I know these issues are very sensitive ones. My poem is a simply break thru of my identity and gender confusion down to hormone issues caused by a pineal cyst that was growing in my brain. I am now dealing with my issues by dressing the way I feel for the day and getting moral support and future gender therapy so I don't feel isolated and alone.
Over the years I would take pictures of myself on facebook but rarely with a smile, not even to look for attention and any love from anyone the reality was I have always hated how I looked, obsessing over my weight thinking if I looked skinnier I would look great. A few times in my life I had to deal with this inner battle head on and it did win me a few times I at certain points in my life rejected eating and enjoying my food; all the fat comments were so vile and rude; shouting your a fat loser. I had a period a year go of self defeat; the minor eating issue was hard to beat. I would get triggered by it if anyone mentioned anything relating to my weight; the echo's of the rude peoples voices would stand out in my mind keep repeating the rude comments your a fat loser; Even when people in my family were saying I looked fine and were more concerned about me. I now say to family or friends please do not keep mentioning about my weight and just talk about another topic there are lots out there talking about my weight only magnifies the obsession and on the very issues I was constantly trying to fight inside. I have now accepted them and dealt with the inner pain and battle in my own head; to accept and love my body image more, learn to be happier and eat more again love myself ignore the horrible cruel comments that have always stood out in my mind. The comments and thoughts are always going to be there but I shouldn't care so much about them and not let them control my life anymore. The rude people in the street might have won the battle with me for a short while but they haven't won the war. I chose now to eat and be more healthy and love myself again and that is the final score.
trigger warning - poem about body image and issues with food its more about acceptance and gradually overcoming it in my head beating all the rude comments from the people in the street.