I can not remember the last time I was truly happy
Every day is like waking up to a monster staring at me
I want to scream and cry, but I remember that monsters are not real,
And that I am only being over dramatic
“Get over it” they say
Don’t tell me to get over it
That tells me that you don’t care
It only makes me so much worse
Just because I act does not mean I am able to act happy all the time
I put on a smile, but on the inside I am scared
I am scared to leave my seat because I think people are talking about me
I am scared to talk in class because I think I will say the wrong thing
I am scared to go to school because I think I won’t be worth anything in the long run
These things I am scared of are only in my head, I know that
But my mind is like that sometimes
The people that I call my friends are like fire
They may seem amazing from far away,
but they have the ability to burn me if I get too close
And that burn won’t go away, no matter how much I try
That burn stains my skin,
And the only difference between real and metaphorical fire
Is that the scar from real fire can be seen by other people
These are the people that make me think they are talking about me
These are the people that make me think I am going to say the wrong thing
These are the people that make me feel like I am not worth anything
But I keep them around because I don’t have anybody else
Now you see why I am scared
The reason I have trust issues is not because my mom broke a promise one time
The reason I have trust issues is because I have been ******* over way too many times
It takes everything in me to close my eyes during bonding games because I do not trust other people around me
The people that I’ve been around for years, I can not trust because I’m scared
I’m scared people will hurt me without me even knowing it
I use self-deprecating humor to hide behind the sadness and pain
It’s ironic really
My loneliness seeps through my pores like chemicals
It paints a picture of perfect pain and poor mental health
I try, I really try to be positive, but sometimes it makes me hurt even more
I know I have friends, but my uncontrollable anxiety and paranoia makes me believe
That none of them want to be around me
Being lonely is like you’re floating through space
Nobody can hear your screaming no matter how loud you are
If you look up in the sky on a clear night you can see the very center of the milky way
It’s a beautiful mix of yellows, and purples, and blues
Almost like a Van Gogh painting
28,000 light years away, but we are still able to see the beautiful mystery on earth
And I’m right in the middle of all of it, but you wouldn’t be able to see me
No, you wouldn’t want to see me
It’s like Saturn’s rings are getting tighter and tighter until I can’t breathe anymore
But do you even care?
Probably not.
