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Legs longly stretch across my unconscious
Hands gently tangling the wormy lines of brain
A rearranging to make me theirs
To think as one
My insula
My Prefontal cortex
Swollen blobs
My begging eyes crying brain to be loved
Like spiders
Across my battered brain
My blame turned inward
I who did this
But it was you was it not
You who turned my left and right into the north poles of magnets
You who turned my mind into silly putty and broken glass
Shredding and reforming
Never whole
This one comes first
Lately I’ve felt as though every little sound and feeling and smell and sight is grating at my nerves and chipping away at my sanity.

My clothes feel constricting and too loose and scratchy and smooth and not right

My ears are full of constant ticking and ringing and noise

My skin wraps my frame too tightly and I want to rip it apart and off of me but then I’d be cold and miserable

It’s all too much and everything is loud and jarring and I feel frenzied and too stuck and not stuck enough and all I want to do is jump in front of a van because then everything would
Blessed and sought-after and evasively, quiet.
Sensory overload *****.
armor donned
shielding the softness
displayed so openly
in the springtime haze
of youth
fear chokes trust
persuades us
that everyone
is hiding a knife up their sleeve
we package up our vulnerability
wrap our heart in bubble wrap
expecting each wound
to bleed a little less
but healing is impossible
in the absence
of oxygen.

Esther L. Krenzin.
fika May 13

Attachment is not love

I was choking under your grasp
Soaking me in guilt and past lives.

Plucking away my ultimate freedom.

Showering me with love. Until your words take me elsewhere.
I like being dominate

Let me go.

My Dear Poet Mar 22
Do you scrape it
or roll it
pick it
or mold it
when picking at guck?

Do you fold it
or scrunch it
Tear it
or bunch it
when wiping that muck?

Do you flip it
or flop it
hold it or drop it
when dealing with yuck?
After researching about the pineal cyst
in my brain. I have finally have answers
to the identity crisis I was experiencing
over the last 15 years.

The pineal cyst was in fact responsible
for my gender confusion
same as the depo injection which caused me more
my issues to worsen and it was all
simply through hormone changes;

It would often increase  Testosterone and this
created minor physical changes which made  
more hair grow than usual on my legs
and sometimes the hair would even grow
on my chin my mum would have to
pluck them with tweezers as a teenager
I would often feel awkward and
embarrassed of my appearance.

It would also cause mental changes
in the brain and would alter the way I would behave
and led me into participating in more
masculine interests and activities
it would make me more more aggressive  
and made my fiery tempers worst.

The hormone changes were so very quick
in the brain causing the confusion,
it even distorted the way I perceived my body image
and would always make me feel like an alien
that never felt comfortable in its own skin.
I never really felt I fit into any category;  
there was times where I would talk, behave and dress
very feminine and then there were times
where I looked in the mirror
and the pretty dress I wore a day a go
didn't look or feel right
I would often have a change in clothing
a few days later nd wear more jeans and band t-shirts.
I even wore male clothing in town
so I could blend in and feel more safe
not be targeted sexually by men
who would often make funny and rude gestures
which made my skin crawl.  

I fell in love more with wearing an more uniform / neutral
style of clothing like suits and trousers;
I did secretly like wearing my school uniform
as a teenager it would often make me feel more comfortable
I didn't ever feel male or female in puberty
just saw myself as Kim and sometimes
would even address myself more in a more third person
rather than an he or she the older I got
as I was often confused in the direction
I was taking and didn't know
what gender I really was I have learned
over the years to accept this is me
and it will never change.    

I didn't think it would be even
possible in my life time to ever have a child
with my bad lifestyle and hormone problems
I was so happy when it did happen
and for a very good reason
it helped me to sort my life out for the better.

Being called mummy however felt alien
at first I have now fully
accepted this name and role for me
in Life and it no longer feels strange.  
I will tell Sophie as she grows older when she's a teenager what I have been dealing with over the years
its best to be honest with your kids
and have no secrets.
I have always been honest with my other half
from the start of our relationship
and I want Sophie to grow up
being more open minded
and have some awareness
of gender and body image
she can then appreciate and find her own
identity in Life too.

I will always be there for her
regardless of her choices I will teach her
to think carefully first before making
any important Life decisions that
you can never change again

At one point it felt weird being called
a man or woman;
I don't mind now being called by any of these pronouns
I will respond to being called either of them;  
my main preference however would be
for people to simply if in doubt call me
by my first name Kim or Kimmy.

My way to deal with my identity
issues or (dual identity) as I call it
is not in fact to ever reject
or ignore these feelings;
this causes more depression
and alienation in the brain
to get the right moral
support in place.  

Talking therapy really helps break the
identity barriers down so I don't feel alone
and to simply take notice of these feelings
and dress more how I'm feeling  for the day
sometimes it might just enough
to satisfy these feelings / hormone changes;

One day I will feel comfortable with my identity  
for now that's the way I will overcome this issue. ​
this might make me quirky and strange
to other people but I am just being me.
Trigger Warning -  If you are triggered by any gender / identity then feel free to scroll over my poem as I know these issues are very sensitive ones. My poem is a simply break thru of my identity and gender confusion down to hormone issues caused by a pineal cyst that was growing in my brain. I am now dealing with my issues by dressing the way I feel for the day and getting moral support and future gender therapy so I don't feel isolated and alone.
Over the years I would take pictures
of myself on facebook but rarely with a smile,
not even to look for attention and any love from anyone
the reality was I have always hated how I looked,
obsessing over my weight
thinking if I looked skinnier
I would look great.
A  few times in my life I had to deal with
this inner battle head on
and it did win me a few times
I at certain points in my life
rejected eating and enjoying my food;
all the fat comments were  
so vile and rude;
shouting your a fat loser.  
I had a period a year go of self defeat;
the minor eating issue was hard to beat.  
I would get triggered by it  
if anyone mentioned anything relating to my weight;  
the echo's of the rude peoples voices
would stand out in my mind
keep repeating the rude comments
your a fat loser;  
Even when people in my family
were saying I looked fine
and were more concerned about me.  
I now say to family or friends
please do not keep mentioning
about my weight and just talk
about another topic there are
lots out there talking about my weight
only magnifies the obsession
and on the very issues I was constantly
trying to fight inside.
I have now accepted them and dealt
with the inner pain
and battle in my own head;
to accept and love my body image more,
learn to be happier and eat more again
love myself ignore the horrible
cruel comments that have always
stood out in my mind.  
The comments and thoughts
are always going to be there
but I shouldn't care so much about them
and not let them control my life anymore.
The rude people in the street
might have won the battle
with me for a short while
but they haven't won the war.  
I chose now to eat and be more healthy
and love myself again
and that is the final score.
trigger warning - poem about body image and issues with food its more about acceptance and gradually overcoming it in my head beating all the rude comments from the people in the street.
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