How I wish
I could tell you all my secrets
Lift the burden off my shoulders
But too many people
Have broken down the walls I've put up
Just to shatter my heart
Like they said they never would
If I wasn't so broken
Would we have worked?
Would you have been the one
To finally relieve me
Of all my scars?
Or would you have done the same?
Proving my judgement wrong,
Instilled illusions of love in my brain
Just to steal the pieces
Of whatever's left of my heart?
You tell me I have issues
I already know I do
But yelling at me to fix them
Is not how you mend broken things
But maybe I'm too far gone
To ever be put back together
Our possible forever
Vanishing into a never
Inflicted by addiction.
Consciously ignoring the warning.
A thunderous Pounding
in my ears.
The deepest pain makes me feel so alive.
Pour your false warmth over my cold breasts
Fine fabrics stained by overflowing emotions.
Gripping my spine, your manipulation flows into my veins.
Hungrily, I devour all of your beautiful lies
Mama, can a cat’s milk get spoiled?
I think it can.
Your milk was spoiled.
It made all of my thoughts go bad.
I no longer had balance.
I no longer had confidence.
Love tasted disgusting.
So I purged. I always smell so rotten.
So tell me, momma, how can someone raised on spoiled milk ever be beautiful?
And every bite I take tastes like S.P.O.I.L.E.D. M.I.L.K.
So sick. So comforting.
Mom, can you breathe me back to life?
Can you love me and feed me with rice milk again?
I miss you.
I can tell you all about how rain feels on my skin.
How when the sun shines on me makes my cold sweat looks like little diamonds.
I think I finally get it. Cigarettes are not a proper dinner. Nor is coffee a proper breakfast.
Diamonds on my skin are not precious.
Just wrap me up and tuck me in your pocket.
I promise I will not get your clothes wet.
Just. Don’t. Let. Me. Slip.
Feeling like you're misunderstood,
Nobody asking or worrying about you because they can't even spare the time to ask about how you're doing,
Hey, what's on your mind?
I look back and tell them don't mind, me.
Don't bother to ask,
If you weren't here to approach me firsthand,
Then I guess you just won't fully comprehend,
I have what it takes to win a million,
I'm one in a million, yet I'm still stuck here expressing how I'm feeling,
I got that open opportunity,
If I fail in my education then I know for sure that they'll be no you and me,
I open my eyes and try to realize,
Grasp onto the real life,
Try to help out, yeah I try,
But what nobody realize-s,
That I'm all alone,
On this anonymous journey,
Man I know this probably sounds like tons of their stories,
But this is the truth,
What I tell about is real,
If it wasn't then the truth would be set as another stupid fairytale,
Oh please don't,
Don't wipe your eyes listening to my bad feels,
It's going to hit hard,
When you actually think about how hard life, really is.
It'll knock you on the ground,
Get you aired out, but then slowly lift you back high in the air,
The atmosphere is so cloudy and complicated,
You're lost up in the stars,
Got no bright light to shine you a guide,
Oh damn it's about that time,
Of wrapping everything up-
Putting it right back to the same box that was here.
Goodbye my dear,
I'll assume you'll see me next time.
I’ve decided it’s a labyrinth
My mind, at least
I thought it was a galaxy but now I see it’s a maze
At least, when I raise my head
Each different path leads to something deadly
And there’s nothing I can do to stop it
I’ve had nightmares for the last 5 nights
The problem is, I can’t remember what they’re about
Except last night
My dad was walking and talking
I’m a little scared it was his dream too
I know it wasn’t, though
Because he remembered who I was
Dad called me yesterday
All I heard was a sharp “Olivia!”
And his choice, because I heard them in the background and he hung up
But at least Dad knew my name
The man could’ve called my sister
In here it’s a labyrinth
And outside it’s full of heroes
So here I am, stuck the civilian, until they realize I’m one of them
Or maybe something more
Maybe I’m a battlefield
The one who holds all their secrets and never lets them go
The one you can trust
If I screamed your secrets out here in this maze
No one would even hear the echo
It’s so big I’ve gotten lost
And I ran out of golden string to guide myself with
I’m no war hero and I’m not Theseus but I don’t want to be stuck here writing a thesis in yet another essay
Because I’m exploring this maze and I’m exploring this labyrinth and I’m going to bed
I really hope I don’t have nightmares this time
It's been three weeks since but I guess I'm just never ready
To be honest, since you left everything has been pretty unsteady
To be honest, since I left, I can barely eat or get ready
I've been trying to fill this void with anyone who will let me
And I just hate how I'm still stuck inside this game
The loser is the one who shows they still care, or still feel in pain
I'm checking if you took down all our pictures, just so I can do the same
I'm so fucking petty, I wasn't ready for you to just stand up and change
And I know that you won't even miss me when you look for replacement
I live adjacent on the map, didn't I give you enough space?
How could you be so fake? I was real from the start
Every lie was like a knife that I took straight to the heart
I don't know who you are, how could I when you lied from the start?
I can't lie, honestly, I still think about you
And when I go out with my friends, I still drink about you
I'm sorry if I made you question how I feel about you
Put you over everything, but now I have to live without you
I promise I would've stayed if there was a way I could save us
If only you spent as much time on us as you do your make up
I tried everything I could but you still gave up
Just because you don't say it doesn't mean we don't know it
If your metaphors were your fingertips, you would be punching us in the heart
As if you're shielding us from what is under your fists
But we already know
When I was in kindergarten, I brought my lunch the first day of school
And I threw away my lady bug shaped ice pack, because I didn't know any better
I still have not forgiven myself
Why can't we forgive ourselves for the things we did wrong
It's difficult to bare my soul
To let you know the things
That I let no one know
It's difficult to say the words
That I wish so dearly to have you hear
And not knowing how you'll respond
I've developed a fear
Slowly ever so slowly I try to let go
I try to say the things I feel
To let you know
That I care that I'm here that I miss you
But I sound pathetic
To my own ears
And I want nothing more than
To shut up
But once I start
I can't seem to stop
The words fight to escape
And I'm left feeling lost
I'm trapped in a daze
Lost in a maze
How can I tell you
How much you mean
If I can't bear to see
Or hear what you'd say
Why can't I tell you
And why does it hurt
If I say nothing it threatens come out
It wants to be heard
And I don't doubt
It would gladly escape
At just the wrong moment
And ruin my happiness
And all that we have
If I say something
It hurts just to hear
The words sound pathetic
And I feel so cruel
To myself and I say
The things I fear
How will you react
Did you even hear?
You don't always,
You don't always respond
And that makes me more lost
I don't know
What to say
Or what that means
But it hurts
And this pain
It wants to be seen
How do I bare my soul
Even though I know
That we could very well leave each other
What keeps me going
What keeps me here
Why do I feel this way
When you do not?
You are nervous sure
But you say you feel different
Like suddenly you believe in love
And the things that come with it
I feel the same
But I've always believed
And I've know this would be difficult
A past me, would not believe.
This wreck I am becoming
This crushing weight of me
What does this all mean
When I want to say
The things that dash around my brain
And I bare my soul
In just one moment
I just let go
And there it is
In the open
You didn't hear...
And I know
I can't bring myself to repeat.
The words I spoke
Are words I would never say
Words that escaped through some hole
In my soul
And found a way
One might think
But something I hide
Is what I think
I want to say what I said
What you would say
Leaves me in internal pain
To no end
I couldn't do it
I couldn't repeat
I couldn't bare my soul
I had to miss that beat.
I don't know why
I trust you with so many things
And I do
And I know that you
Mean so much to me
But I'm afraid
Of too many things
I'm still unsure
Of how to be me.
And how can I bare my existence to you
If I can't even do that
And I know this poem
It's just not finished yet
But I can't seem to
Find the words
To be able to say
The things that truly
Want to escape
How do I talk to you?
How do I stop hiding
How do I unlock my cage
How do I let these things so sacred
Find their way to you?
You, the unknown?
You, the unsure variable
The confusing algebraic equation
The one I could spend hours working on
Paper and pen
Still not knowing
How to solve or what to say.
How will you react
When you realize what I am
Who I am
I've told you things before
Things no one knows.
To fully bare my soul?
To say the things
I've locked away
The things kept from prying eyes
The things I hide from MYSELF?
I want to say it all.
And it's terrifying
What will you say?
What will you do??
What if I lose you???
I should shut up
I know it
So I will
I'm going to snap
I'm going to break
I'm going to blow up
And end this place
My palace of lies
Will come crumbling down
The cracks are already
Big and small
With jagged edges
Much like the heart
That keeps on begging
What do I,
Or it even want?
This is too long
I'm stuck in a rut
That is the end.
But why am I still so frustrated!!!
Why is my heart mind and soul still filled with this hatred!!
Why do I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart?!?!
Why do I feel so broken, like a shattered work of art
Why can't I shed a single tear
And I sit here
And everything is so unclear
And I want to say I'm sorry
But I don't know how to say
It or anything else
And this has grown too long
And my feelings are too damned difficult to overcome
And I need to just let go.
But I can't until you know.
So I'll say it
Or rather send it
And I don't know how you'll react
And I'm terrified
Like a trapped rat
But I'll do it
And I'll see where it leads
I'm not one for trust falls
I've always caught myself just a hair before
Stumble and save myself
Because what if they aren't there?
Because they don't need me anymore
And what if they is you and you are them
And they are the world and you are my world
And everything is lie
And I'm still fucking trapped in my never-ending mind!
But I'll try
I'll let myself attempt
I'll turn my back
And hope that you
Won't be the Brutus to my Caesar.
That the words "es tu brute?"
Won't escape my lips
That I will fall
And that you will catch me
And that it will be okay
Because I will trust you
Even through my own anxiety.
Words stuck in my lungs for months
Suddenly became butterflies escaping my mouth
And I didn't have to be afraid
Because you made sure to save them inside of your head
Every single one of them
You encouraged me to cut the flowers
Growing in my lungs, preventing me from breathing
Like weeds I unplucked them
And you made sure to save them
You dried them between the pages of your book
Took once or twice a look
But never ever dared to throw them away