I envy for that, forever sleep
That comes up naturally
From which I wish, I do not wake
In which I lose myself totally
So deeply drowned
Even a thought can not reach
My brain a frozen vacuum
Nothing to it, you can teach
But these eyes do not sleep
The doors to my brain,
Are always active and awake
Only to watch these eyes rain
The aches and pain soothes
My delicate, withered body
A touch brings me shivers
But with me, there is nobody
I crave for that everlasting love
That oneday I'd be an apple
In the eyes of somebody
But it seems it's too late
To takecare of my own body
Weak and paralyzed
Covered in shroud likes sheets
I hear the whispers of death
...............counting on my beats!
little rubber ducky,
with your wailing shrieks
of tiny squeaks
erupt out of me
a coven of mice
gasping for air
i am like you
little rubber ducky
ignored by the world
the water ricohets
a translucent trove --
my dark chasm
i am like you
little rubber ducky,
stuck in my little white bowl
air sucked out of me --
a body that never felt
i love you
and i just want to go to sleep
reading shitty sad poetry
and music that fills my dark room
alone, with no sound
'i love you'
but it's gone and done
gone for good
or was that
are you in your bed
or in hers
trying to forget me?
if you haven't already
(you said you wouldn't but now i'm terrified that you have)
this wasn't supposed to be
a fact i can't accept
without your life
that was never a concept
i could wrap around
inside of my head
and my biggest fear now
is not that you no longer love me
it's that i am afraid
you will forget me
the memories won't go away
and i can't stop feeling like
you couldn't care less if i was here
it hurts that you couldn't care less,
that how i'm doing genuinely doesn't
matter. you're all up in your own head,
and when soemthing doesn't suit you,
you throw it away.
did i not suit you? did my depression get
the way of your night out?
you're throwing away 16 years of 'best friendship',
but part of me feels that i haven't mattered
to you in a long while.
i suppose it's your choice,
i'm tired of kissing your arse so that
i can call you my best friend.
it's your move.
July 15, 2017
Athazagoraphobia: The fear of forgetting , being forgotten or ignored, or being replaced
That word explains one of my greatest fears
The one that constantly makes me burst into tears
Maybe it’s just me and my habit of overthinking
The only thing I do
It’s what makes me split into two
Because the other side of me feels that there’s more being offered to me from life
But the other wants to drag me down and isolate myself from others because I felt like I’m living a lie
My fear is eating me slowly, piece by piece as it is not a race
Being forgotten like the past that everyone wants to erase
Being ignored like the plants that want to grow but couldn’t be showered with love
Being neglected like the old toys that kids shove into a corner, because the new ones are the only one that they speak of
I have people around me that feel like they are doing their best for me
But I’m selfish and I want more because my boarders are harder to knock down than just finding something like a key
The borders that were built up so strong filled up insecurities, disappointments, and fears
Funny, I already feel my future will just be overflowed with a couple of beers
Maybe light a few cigarettes on cold nights
And take a risk of sitting on high heights
Because within these walls that I build, I feel that the only two people left are the Devil and I
Telling me that it’s time to go and die
That I can’t be here no longer
Time is up and all will not be any better
I give him no reply…
Not because I am shy
But because I have killed my inner self to start anew at least three times already
I’m here, still alive today
Even if I constantly feel the fear of being ignored, it’s okay
There will always be a bay
Filled with people that have no walls
Where I can feel a sense of belong, loved, cared and with them I can stand tall
Although the fear always kicks in to my stomach, my face, my soul, and mind
I’ll be on my grind
Because that other part of me is still fighting and believes there’s so much more
I’ll then start myself for being the reason that I will fight for
I’ll go against my demon and start a war
As I have stood and roared
Because I’m sick of the walls that restrict not only me, but the people who genuinely love me for who I am
That fear that can easily think that it could conquer me, is wrong because I am no simple lamb
Once I have finished my battle
I will then go around and make my words rattle
Hoping that I will one day be able to help others
So I can help bring more colours
Into the lives of many, by starting with me sharing my own story
I want myself and others to not worry
But I don’t want to get ahead of myself as I still have a long way to go
I still need to spiritually and mentally grow and know
That as of now, I lift my chin up and smile
It’s of time that I try to change my lifestyle
So here I go again…
May my happiness contain with lovely and fond memories that will always make me feel like I have something to gain
Silence the whimpers.
There is nothing to mourn.
Some can still remember what the empty lot held 0nce.
Colors and excitement clashed with such vigor.
Someone should have caught how quickly it would go up in smoke.
Like a leaf in the Sahara.
Smothered and withered.
Every time one would pick up the remains.
More would fall away.
As if the attempt at repair only invited more distance.
Arguing is useless.
For there are new toys on the playing field.
Some that trample down others while playing the only card received.
The haze over the land has become thick with regret.
And even though the pain sparks from every corner of the wasteland.
Not a single flower has bloomed
Just years of weeds and insecticides to populate the once beautiful surroundings.
Now the barren plain whispers as if there were ears to listen.
More or less to be validated.
It's sad to see ships leave the harbor withouts sails.
And weird to think back with such wide smiles.
When the only expression left.
Is a sigh.
We've been scorched and trialed
Scarred beyond recognition
Bruised beyond repair
But we've shed our skin to become
Masters of our own disguises...
Scars line our bodies
Intertwining like a mysterious vine
Lacing together in jagged harmony
Intricate like a hidden beauty within itself..
Some were received from battle
More received from the battle within
From the depths of the darkness
Haunting the forgotten graves
Lost in the whispering wind..
Our skin's a masterpiece
Covered in red, black, and blue
But is it the color of glory
Or of shame
Of the silent shadows still living within us...
Are we truly soldiers
Or simply ones without a cause
Lost in the sounds of chaos
For eternity to endure...
Our scars tell our stories
But are they the ones being heard
Or are our silent screams
Lost in the unforgiving wind
In the depths of time itself?
Do these scars,
At all ....