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Jim Mar 3
when i bite my nails
it means i’m anxious
by anxious, i mean
'what the hell were you doing?
it took you 3 minutes to respond.
don’t you like me anymore?'
when i ask you
if you don't like me anymore
i mean
i’m back to being lackluster
by lackluster, i mean
'hey! here are my stars.'
and you'd ask, 'Where?'
on my palms
i’d show you my insides
and you'd finally notice
'but wait,
aren't those blackholes?'
by blackholes, i mean
my pupils are just too dark
that you'd get siphoned
into the nothingness that is my eyes
and by nothingness, i mean empty.
by empty, i mean
𝓂𝑒
Jeremy Betts Jan 17
A man with a hundred faces but nameless with one voice
A thousand thoughts a second but one life to live it, where's the choice
Never found much of a reason to rejoice
Worthless or not worth it, the math's not adding up on this invoice

A million phrases, can't remember faces
Thoughts escape the mind, breaking free of their cages
The visual is heinous, it feels dangerous
I can't explain what's going on but they tell me this is only the beginning stages

Time turns pages but they're all reflective, hold them to the flame, more failure through the ages
Dr Jekyll lost, tossed into the void, annoyed as Mr. Hyde rages
Whatever it is, for everyone else's sake, I hope it's not contagious
Stay cautious

©2024
Jeremy Betts Jan 13
They tell me, they promise me, I'm not alone
But I can only go by what I've always been shown
Unwanted, undesirable, freek show, just a small sample of all I've known
I wish my inner abuser would adapt another tone
I don't own my own thoughts, any positive feeling is only on loan

People act like I hone in on this curse to be worthless
Like I thirst to be anxious
Like I have to coerce this anger and bitterness
Like I enjoy being immersed in the hopeless
Like my first thought is the worst on purpose
Like I enjoy all my deep rooted issues constantly rising to the surface

Then comes the question that brings me back to reality
"What are you doing to get control of this? Not enough certainly"
Honestly that's another cog in the circle mosh pit of misery, part of the continuity
I'd give anything for it to be as easy as everyone claims it should be

Because what most people see from me is rehearsed
My final diagnosis can not be reversed
The totality of my issues couldn't possibly be unearthed
But that doesn't change the horrible landscape I've traversed
I wouldn't be able to tell you what I'm worth, all I know is...
...I am this, for what it's worth

©2024
your eclipse Dec 2023
i am a terrible shapeshifter
for no matter how much i shift my shape
i'll always be what i am within
cruel, wicked, broken
worthless
—will my body ever feel like mine again?
tumbledry Sep 2023
it seems my expectations
of people are too high
the crushing weight to love me
sinks them further into the earth
they try and they try and get exhausted
then stuck trying to please me.
I don’t want love
or for someone
to put down their judgement
to give me a hug
I don’t want it
don’t get stuck in
this mess with me
I know this puddle must
be self made and earned
It’s only me that craves
the crash and burn.
I didn't want the begging
the sorrow the manic tears
I swear I only wanted
to somehow
feel like I maybe
belonged here.
tumbledry Aug 2023
Hyperventilating at a desk
Flashbacks and barrages of emotions
An endless onslaught of sadness and grief
Typing rows of letters and numbers
A mask masking the tremble of my lips
Gloves ensuring no one sees the tremors in my hands.
How does no one hear the voices in my head
Shouting for me to run out the window
To email a resignation so I can slink off to peace.
To end my life tonight without hesitation.
I’m tired. So tired.
I don’t want to make it to tomorrow.
KG May 2023
"It's just blood"
They said passing the freshly glistened reddish iron tungsten blade as if it were a joint
And I took it.
Puff puff pass.
Now I puff alone for things I cannot exempt from being my own, problems, past

Yet I feed them everyday in hopes I end up drowning in the refuse

I tolerate as much as I despise.
yet I see me drinking by myself so much more frequently after pledging allegiance to my recovery, yet,
I've never allowed myself to recieve accolades under the influence.
So, why shouldn't I observe those medals of silver and bronze without dismissal: due to performance enhancement.
Isn't society run on caffeine?

I hope these demons like heavens door whiskey.
Intense internal screaming intensifies
Going through bad times
But the world thinks you’re fine
You hide your wounds
And show your beautiful melanin
So they don’t feel you lost
Yeah, it’s all lies

Not what you want
But zero options left
Everyone’s reaching their goal
Yours has not even commenced
Running like turtle
Destination is settled
But too late it will be

You feel worthless within
And nothing without
The mask of deception
You wear on the outside
Luck is not on your side
At least, it’s never been
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