And like that, everything made sense. The words she had been waiting, to kill this dream and wake up into reality; The soothing pain of rejection.

The sadness is back again
Every ounce of me is weak
Loud laughs escapes my mouth
Covering up the sobs

I was trying to listen
The lesson the teacher says
But a flash of your face appears
Now, I'm tearing up again

The smile on your face
They brighten up my day
But I see you with her
My smile turns to a frown

I got a heavy heart
Constantly reminding me
Of the moment
The minute you told me no

The most painful no
No, you can't be mine
No, I can't be yours
No, I can not try

You made me believe
That love could be for me
Someone could be there
But I want that to be you

Pain has become my friend
A constant reminder
Of the existence of what I hate
Rejection of the person I love

I love you
You love me
But not the way I want you to
But the way I don't want you to

Tears flow from my eyes
A river flows in my face
Never ending because of the pain
Pain because of heart break

And yet again, I care too much.
It burdens my shoulders
and suffocates me everyday.
Thoughts of everyone, everything,
efforts to remember,
it has consumed me
as would a storm.
To think that they-even you,
never wanted me,
it was always her.
Compare us
and I will always come up short.
And? I shouldn't even care.
It is dangerously shallow water to swim in;
but I cannot yet let it go:
I wish terribly to be
just one person's first choice.

You are there,
Never here,
Never near.

I am here,
Never there,
Never aware.

The both of us,
We're moving dots;
Always crossing paths,
But never actually meeting in the middle.

Men I don’t love
Send me emails telling me that they care about people like me.
They say,
I am committed to helping people achieve their dreams by providing the right support. I want to thank you for your interest in utilizing this opportunity.

The boy I know
Sends me a message saying he saw potential in us.
He writes,
I wanted to help you become better. And when you spoke to me that first day, I thought that maybe we could become something greater than we are now. Together.

Men that know me
Send me emails saying that they liked learning what’s in my head.  
They say,
I recognize the time and effort you put into this and truly appreciate that you shared your thoughts and ideas with me.

The boy that doesn’t love me
Sends me a message saying he knows what he meant to me.
He writes,
I know how hard you tried to make this work. I think you’re amazing, how you always give your all into everything. How you gave your all to me.

Men I don’t know
Send me copy-paste emails that I have memorized.
They say,
There was an outstanding selection of applicants this year and the competition was intense. I regret to inform you that you were not selected to receive an award.

The boy I love
Sends me a message saying what Men I Don’t Know couldn’t.
He writes,
It’s just that this isn’t what I’m looking for.
You’re not who I am looking for.

The bitter pill of rejection,
The deep cut from within,
The onset of self loathing
The scathing attack of the mind.
A middle finger to kindness, all the good retreating to hide.

Memories aren't made to be broken,
Yet lie in shards, each piece
Refracting unframed pictures.

Promises aren't made to be broken,
But words are malleable.

Hearts are too often broken, quartered
And flung to the elements.

Spirit cannot be broken
Under any crushing worry.

And love,
Away or dwelling,
Encompassing love;
Battered, betrayed,
Exalted, praised;
Spent like money,
Treasured, yet free as air.
Most invulnerable,
Most vulnerable;
Frail and omnipotent.
Unbreakable.

I suck
I'm not bad enough
I'm not nice enough
I'm not cute enough
I'm not rugged enough
I'm not smart enough
I'm not average enough
I'm not talkative enough
I'm not quiet enough
I'm just a soul in a vessel
I'll never find my mate
I suck

door open
suddenly shut close
bolts screwing outside my mind
from the constant banging

I tried so hard
duct taping it into place
permanently
to let the breeze flow in

sadly the monster
keeps creeping in
closing the door behind him
over and over again