i'm so tired
of everyone around me
i'm so tired of living like this
i am so tired of pretending to be okay
pretending that i am not falling apart
i am so fucking tired
i just want to curl into a ball and cry
but everywhere i look
i see you and it fucking burns
i've never been one of you
let's face it
maybe it was he way i did not laugh at your insensitive jokes
or the way that i was not as cool as the others
i've always given more and more and more of myself
never got anything in return
truth be told
i've always secretly resented you for it
i've always hated hated hated hated hated you for it
the bubbling bitterness at the base of my stomach
i choke it down
and say hi babe thank you for being such a great friend
the words leave a bad taste in my mouth.
the worst part?
by hiding these true feelings of mine
and being so incredibly fake
i'm just as bad as you are
maybe we truly do deserve each other
i miss the 3 a.m. blossoms you left across my neck
the dance we created from the movement of our bodies
and the harmonious sensation of our skin
i miss how you made my heart screech the heat of the summer
in the bleak of winter
how you made me forget what language to speak from the
movement of your lips
i miss how the words 'i love you' rung in your voice
in such a way i can visualize it and grab it from the air
engulf myself in its serenity
and say it to you back
i miss the way the sunlight gleamed in your eyes
the way your hands felt
the way your smile invented my happiness
i miss everything about you
but why don't you miss me?
i murder myself every night,
your memory being the weapon.
i saw you last week in my dreams and
you beat me with the thought of you
i stood still, covered
in blue, still
you never having to beat me black.
Do you remember the
night of cold; a thick blanket of
snow and anger frosted
over your frozen body?
the complementing contrast,
and i beat me with my memory
Fine, I'm broken
I've done things I can't take back
Sure, your shattered
You can't stop living in the past
This world is falling
There is no way to get around it
I'll kiss you softly
Hold you tightly
You've just got to love me back
So keep looking in my eyes
Maybe for tonight
Let's just be seventeen
We'll have no more problems
No more troubles
No need to be fixed
Just for tonight
Only you and I exist
Yes, were damaged
Yet I want a life with you
Because you're the one I choose
Inspired by Devan Ducasse, fellow HP writer
"You're upset, I can tell,
You know I'll never hurt you, right?
Just stop crying."
And I stopped crying.
"I hate always fighting with you,
It's my fault babe,
Why don't you just apologize."
And I apologized.
"We need to stop having sex,
I want to focus on you,
Take off your clothes, bad girl."
And I let him take off my clothes.
"We spend too much time on our phones,
I'm sorry I don't make you a priority,
It's nothing babe, get off my case."
And I believed him.
"I need to do more for you,
Would you like red or pink roses,
Go buy your own damn flowers."
And I did.
"I'm going out with the guys,
I promise to stay out of trouble,
I'm not drunk, bitch."
And I didn't say a word.
"I should compliment you more,
You're the most beautiful girl in the world,
Wow, that chick has to be a model."
And I didn't state my opinion.
"I can be your shoulder to cry on,
What's wrong with my baby girl,
I swear I'm listening."
But I know he isn't.
"I love you for your heart,
Your personality is what caught my eye,
Your body is mine."
And I didn't disagree.
"I want to give you the world,
You do so much for me darling,
You're so selfish."
And I tried harder.
"I hate my family,
You're the only one who understands me,
I will never let you help me."
And he never did.
"You never give up on me,
I know I'm really hard on you,
How could you just stop trying."
But I never did stop.
"Please don't ever leave me,
I couldn't do life without you,
And so I did.
"I made a huge mistake,
I need you in my life,
If you love me, come back."
And so I walked away.