DeAnn 27m
I am stained

Stained by the past
Stained by my desires
Stained by my failures
Stained by my broken dreams
Stained by what could have been
Stained by "what if"

The tears that fall down my face are black ink
The trail of tears stain my cheeks
Sharp, painful, visible
Yet I am invisible

No one else can see my stains
My pains
My sins

But I see them everyday, every second
The mirrors curse my visage

I am stained
PP 34m
I feel like a fool laying in my bed opened eyes,  my thoughts are sad
I am blaming insomnia but that's not what's keeping me awake
            It's the thought of you
Your georgeous smile, your deep green eyes
        running through my head
          You are calling me baby
        but do you really mean it?
        Overthinging, imaginating
         I am wishing I was dead
Can we make it or should we break it    before one of us gets hurt?
I am a fool a fool for your presence
    Is this a broken heart in making?
The flames they rise up inside of me
an inferno of words, all screaming
to be the first to break my outer shell
to be the first to break me
to make me let one slip,
to form a crack, running down my face
inviting people to pull it open.
and as curiosity consumes most,
that one inferno risen word
will be the end of me
Kaede 10h
I still care too much for a shadow that had once loved me.
And of course, the shadow can't be blame for that.
how am I expected to love one,
without even considering the other,
pretend you’re not important, a no-one,
you’re my father and she is my mother.

I know that what you did wasn’t right
you had a wife, two daughters,
yet you did it despite.
a phycological game, I hope never a fight.
why did you run away
at the stoke of midnight?

you did the unthinkable
now to save your conscience,
your memories are all fictional,
your actions towards my mother
are far from forgivable.
you tore through her confidence
forever feeling she is invisible.
alone with two young daughters
those years for her were miserable,
yet you still believe you were a father
your parenting was mythical.

not to say that your life has been kind
you fought in a war,
lost a friend in the blink of an eye.
PTSD forever haunting your soul,
you knock back a box of wine,
few beers before your midday stroll,
self medicating your entire life
to stave off those memories
and what you did to your wife.

it goes deeper than that I am sure,
a lifetime of damage
that you have had to endure,
that is why I see a man
who deserves my attention
because I do not turn my back
on another human needing an intervention.

I understand why most don’t agree,
you were a monster, a controller
my mother drowning in the dead sea.
you’re arrogant and unpleasant
but you truly care about me.
underneath your exterior layer
I believe there to be,
a man gently crying
sheltering behind the carefree.

I am trying my best to be more honest
so I don’t live out my life after my father
whose lying is spectacularly flawless
so I do not see why I should lie to you
I want a relationship because
I am scared of what you might do
a vulnerable man, I am too empathetic
I feel sorry for you,
it is not purely genetic.

it’s a sad circumstance
for a woman of my age
trying to break through her father’s exterior
and enter an unexplored cage
to break free the humanity that I believe is left
and release you from the uncertainty
what you are heading towards is death.
I am planning on visiting my father at the weekend, while my mother has just gained the courage to seek help for the phycological trauma he put her through during their marriage. I find myself torn between enlightening him on what he has done and saving him from his instability by playing along with the delusional world he has created for himself. I am forever being told I am too kind to people who do not deserve it, but there are circumstances where kindness is the only option.
This one is personal.
Olivia 14h
Pain can be Pleasant
Pain can be satisfying
The way it prepares us for the worst
and best times of our lives

It sharpens our knowledge
opens our minds
Exposes our feelings of fear
While teaching us to be fearless

strengthens our hearts
Awakens our soul
teaches us to be whole

you can't fix pain
But you can control the way pain fixes you

the only thing that is more quintessential than pain is the joy it brings you when you overcome it
This is only an excerpt to how I feel pain is profoundly beneficial to our souls.
Do you not realize
she left even though she still loved you?
She doesn't message anymore
because she fears
to be hurt at your hands
and broken by your words.
jewel 19h
Have you ever held someone for the last time?

But not physically.

Have you held the thoughts, the memories, the love, the pain, the vulnerabilities, the pictures, the songs, the texts and secrets of someone for the very last time..?

I have.

Have you ever told a lie that held some truth?

But not completely mean it.

Have you ever told someone that you're okay, when you're depressed, miserable, and completely torn apart. But yet in some twisted, and sick way you are okay. Because unhappiness is all you've ever known...?

I have.

Have you ever broken someones heart?

But didn't regret it.

Have you ever put your heart on the line for someone you value above and over anyone and anything in this world, but broke your own heart in the process because what was best for them, wasn't best for you..?

I have.

Have you ever wanted to just not feel anymore?

But you're in love with pain.

Have you ever just wanted to take a bottle of pills, or walk out in front of a moving car just because, life is too hard. You don't want to be alive anymore but yet, in all the chaos, you find peace in your misery because out of everything that never stays. Out of everything that changes and altars, it's always been there for you. To wrap you up in a blanket of depression and tuck a pillow of anxiety under your head. While singing a song of your worst fears as you close your eyes and drift into a second reality filled with the monsters in your head.

I have.

Have you ever fallen in love..?

But not in reality.

Have you ever fallen in love with the imagination of something that you know you'll never reach, touch, hold, find, or ever see. Have you ever fallen in love with the pictures the demons in your head paint? Have you ever written down how you feel into a million tiny words then set fire to them and watch them go up in smoke much like your efforts, and possibly entire life..?

I have.
Just my thoughts.
My phone battery lasts longer without your name popping up
But I can barely make it 3 hours without begging for a moment to recharge
It's a painful reminder that something so beautiful had to end
Leaving a void on the screen that once blinked and shone bright

It takes me twenty times longer to get things done
My mind will drag me off to a corner and replay videos of playful feet touching under a dinner table
And secret looks shared between passionate eyes

My stuffed animals miss you
That's what they tell me since I have no one to hold at night but them
They whisper and caress my hair until I fall asleep
Or was that another dream of what we should have had

You lied to me
Stop trying to redeem yourself, or justify the facade
I gave you more than three chances to tell me the truth
And it broke my heart that you never once did

I know its easier for you to blame me
So I said I didn't love you like I used to. I spared you the pain that you put me through
but you truly dug the knife in my love

I don't know how to be happy in this eerie place called loneliness
The sun was blocked out along with your laugh and the freckles that painted your cheeks
How does one become happy again, happy when you're all alone

I love you
But you'll never hear those words again because you broke my trust
You broke my heart
And you broke me
I hope that I can face you again one day
But these are the Things I'll Never Say
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