Billie 1d
I think my brain is broken.

Stress doesn’t seem to affect me,
walking in a dreamlike state through my life and falling asleep as soon as I get home,
deadlines creeping up and my mind dead instead of panicked,
instead of working,
I sit and try to write a goddamn two lines and nothing comes out onto the page.
This brain refuses to work,
to be healthy,
it’s scared that now that I’m happy it’ll all fall again
and I think it’s sabotage.
I think it knows things are too good,
with wonderful friends,
good family,
and the most perfect man you will ever meet,
and it’s letting the work slip behind,
and I don’t know how to stop it.
I don’t know how to shock myself into getting words onto the page,
and I think my brain is broken.

I had no meetings today.
It cried out with nothing to distract itself with,
surrounded by piles of work that it refused to see as distractions,
but I sat in a classroom with my friends,
making juvenile conversations about the work that my brain refuses to do,
it’s not my brain,
it’s me.

I have to stop blaming a broken brain,
I have to kick myself into gear and do something
because I am being swept behind and I am doing nothing to stop it,
why can’t I stop it,
why can’t I do anything other than stare at a blank screen for two hours before giving up and letting myself be distracted,
why can’t I do something, anything,
I think I’m broken.
I never found a way to make friends,
never found a way to study,
never found a way to work when I don’t want to,
life has finally stopped handing me things and I can’t handle it.

I think I’m broken.
And it’s the one problem I don’t know how to fix.
i refer to my brain in the third person, as if the decisions i make are not my own, and it needs to stop.

i'm not broken. i'm just like a car, i need a tune-up.

this is an old poem anyway.
Amanda 2d
Lately I have not been able to sleep
Instead ride a dangerous wave
Thoughts careen around and back
Crashing into a rocky cave

Lie awake in bed and stare
At the ceiling or the wall
Thinking until I am almost numb
Until I cannot think at all
Relentless thoughts
the magic of sensual pleasure is the most simulating powerful thing that the brain can experience
a simple touch can turn the body into overdrive
heightened senses and heavy breathing
eyes rolled back as the release is soon coming
the body clenches as the climax approaches
the brain loses consciousness it’s like a dream
A pessimistic outlook on this blue planet
is the only way I can trudge through my shallow, pitiful existence.
Pear pressure digging a hole in my peace
and tossing the dirt to the side like it means nothing.
The brooding pitter patter of earth against earth turning me into an empty shell.
The quiet sobbing of the girl I used to be echoing loudly from within this now vacant space.
Each and every word that spills from between my lips wilting with my cancerous mind.
Tumors swelling in my hippocampus causing me to both never forget, and always forget all at once.
The diseases within my corpse-like body sinking my eye sockets
and leaving my heart for dead.
I might as well be a zombie
everybody would rather have me dead
then deal with my ugly face and diseased flesh.
Snow falls quickly and harshly to the ground.
Sort of how your fist grazed my face earlier.
I place a cigarette up to my lips and take a deep inhale,
Instantly the nicotine begins to course through my veins
I’m praying to the gods that this love doesn’t fail.
As I feel the memories escaping my brain.
The mirror last night told me that you were lying.
So, I smashed it into a million pieces, falling to the floor.
The entire process was almost strangely gratifying.
The glass is stained with a dark reddish hue.
It’s my blood that protects our apartment.
Because I know your girlfriends certainly will, not.
I’m seeking those beautiful nights
With your arms lovingly wrapped around my waist
Instead of your forceful hands throwing me onto the bed.
Loneliness stings more than your foolish ways.
I repeat this over and over again.
The shadows of our love hang heavy and low.
As if it has already evaporated from this moment.
You have pushed me to the breaking point.
To an alleyway outside in the cold.
Where I give in and take puffs of a single cigarette
The choking and coughing feels so far from elegant
But by this point I don’t give a damn.
I need something to cope with the pain
Something to erase your name
Anything to get you out of my brain.
The smoke that falls out of my mouth
Peacefully disrupts the cold bitter attitudes.
I spend this time kissing a final farewell
To the innocence that used to exist.
My heart aches wholly for the girl that
Used to believe in a love like this.
I know you are cheating, lying, behind my back
But instead of screaming and crying.
I take a deep breath.
You never deserved the love I so freely gave to you.
So, I try to walk away. But it’s no use.
I’m called again to your side, to your bed.
Without a single breath, you lie to me as if I mean nothing.
As if I’m worth nothing.
I’m starting to believe, and to fall again.
Who is going to pick up the broken pieces of my heart?
I dream of the day that your door slams
A day where we no longer exist.
Where the fire that burned for so long has finally been extinguished
As I throw the stub of my cigarette to the floor
I dream of the day that I grow a semblance of a backbone.
The world around me blurs into vision that hazy and blue
I just want to leave and to experience life on my own.
But maybe leaving you is a fate that’s too good to be true.
Written March, 30, 2018.
The visuals attached to this poem are very commanding, in a good way I believe. A empowering much needed separation.
we love you, you shithead
but curse your stupid inability
and reverent ignorance

we're the heart and fucking brain
and we're finally in sync
funny how the first time we're in agreement
is because of you

we're crushing hard, bits to pieces
but you even fucking know us
argh! just see how we can't stop
thinking about you
beating for you

the worst of all this
you're in love with someone else.
What a silly word.
What a massive waste of time.
While the minutes and even hours race by,
And apparently it’s already July.
The future is coming.
I realize that statement is true yes, but
That doesn’t mean I’m any less scared
That doesn’t mean I’m any less unprepared.
Time moves fast, most of the time that is.
However there are those moments
Where I’m struggling to stay afloat
Resisting the lull of falling behind
Persisting despite my hatred of
My somehow ever-racing mind
I don’t know what to do to slow down
I just need more time, time to breathe.
Time to relax, time to let life pass me by
Maybe just a for a day, where I could get away.
I could leave this town, and avoid
My suffocating obligations
And my equally frustrating
Responsibilities and duties .
And worst of all,
The winner of them all by far,
The anxiety that holds my brain hostage.
Telling me that there’s no time
Yelling at me to focus, to get things done.
But all I can do is sit. There, quietly.
And stare at the wall directly in front of me
For what seems like hours but they’re actually days.
And everything seems to be slipping by.
Minding it’s own business, and I wish it wouldn’t.
I feel as if I’ve lost my tie, my lock to my identity.
The person I thought I used to be
Dedicated and focused.
Is now frustrated and unmotivated
What am I supposed to do?
I suppose, I’ll continue to sit here.
Whether it be at my desk, on my bed.
Racking the ideas and words through my head.
Over and over attempting to
Wait out this unproductivity.
And praying that inspiration
Won’t take much longer
Because I’m afraid I’ve lost what I used to have.
Unproductivity is defined as a lack or abscence of productivity.
Where did it go? I used to be so motivated, so driven, where did it all go?
I'm not quite sure, but I hope it decides to return sometime soon.
I miss it very dearly.   July 7, 2018.
C Jul 10
You're a secondary character in your own picture.
Watching yourself as you take each step.

Left foot.
Right foot.

You see them in the hallway but chose to walk away.
You feel your breath getting shorter and shorter.

Why can't you step inside your shoes.

You're trapped.
Watching yourself go through life.
Watching every detail and counting each step.

Why won't you step in.
Feel something that's real.
Instead of being a brainless ghost who wants to feel.
Middy Jul 7
It was a long day for me, for her
I helped her walk and told her how tired I was-
Yet she did not respond
For she was as tired as me.
And I controlled her Body
Every moment
Every movement
Every sound that echoed around me
Every sight she sees through her Eyes.

I carried her to bed, her Legs dragging her away
Her Hands ripped off the school uniform
And replaced it with a Nirvana shirt
And blue shorts

She threw her Body onto the bed and lay there,
Her Eyes watched the ceiling as if something was about to happen
Her Lips let out a sigh and she took her phone
And her Fingers and I got ready for what she was about to type today
Jamilla Jul 6
Do you ever get the chance
To ask yourself
"Why you're still fighting?
In a competition you know your not gonna win?"

Forgive me...
If I die...
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