Every time I sit alone, staring at the ocean waves crashing close to shore, at the expanse of water extending out endlessly to the horizon, I always feel a yearning terror creep into my bones. It is all that we do not know. The freedom and wild ways of the ocean, boundless, ruleless, never endingness. Instead time is filled with laws, expectations, conformity, and limitations. But for a man, you are the closest to the ocean I've observed. Your mind's depths deeper than the dark waters no human eyes have laid upon. Your joy stronger than the ocean's wells that have sunk many a men. Your soul more tranquil than the glassy ocean surface on a breathless day.Your ways of life more daring than the first voyage around the world's seas.
Your entity inspires.
[You can hear the air moving the
l e a v e s of the
p a l m t r e e s.
Last rays of sun and it’s June 3]
We walk on a white-washed street and
Forget Me Not flowers on the fences screaming this is your new world.
You are that world, your eyes are Portofino in the middle of a neighborhood of coins.
We are walking and you stop because you look at a window of someone, while I was (I was) fixing the shouts of light on your temple, living the new world.
[All my cracks filled with water]
It’s warm pleasant, we walk, seeing life taking and not just wishing,
we have excelled
in the plastic world.
I stood by the ho^use with the most beautiful garden, I touched bird in paradise and you say that it’s [our garden]
I have a recurring vision of me underwater
Completely conscious and viewing the great beam of light trickling in from above me
It happens when my thoughts become too much
When the wave breaks and takes me under, I suppose
"Let my mind run underneath warm jets"
I sit there with my eyes wide open and think of nothing
At least thats how it feels
In reality I'm thinking of everything still
And right when I want to close my eyes and stay under
With the predators of the sea and my heart bleeding
I realize I need to breathe and swim back up
I take a deep breath and slip under the water
There is no grace or elegance
No caution or concern for the waves created,
I breathe freely for the first time in what feels like weeks
The sweet sensation of burning in my lungs
(A reward for waiting so patiently)
I don’t think I’ll ever lose that initial panic at the suffocation,
The clawing at my throat a constant reminder of where I am,
But the deeper I sink
The easier it becomes to swim down
It is, I think, a beautiful contradiction
The longer I drown myself, the darker the murky depths I live in become
The more I crave this broken ecstasy I have created
The big green hill that overlooks the water
has never been grazed, never been touched
except for when my mind gets hazed
and the world stands still.
So when life seems to become gray,
I lull to the place where I can get my color back.
So as far as the moon when the brightness gleams,
I run for the hill and make no note on my pace.
Lying in the sunshine, moonlight, or under the clouds,
I know I can always count on that big green hill.
For when the world darkens and my life runs out of time,
I go to the place where I can make the time stand still.
Drifting on the wind or water,
they both feel the same.
I drift from mind to mind
and I sit from time to time,
wondering where the days have gone.
Perhaps I am meant to move,
I cannot possibly sit still.
For this isn't my home
and here I am alone.
I must find where I belong.
Onward, into the dark I go,
seeking the truth
and seeking the light.
Hell has plans for me,
but heaven holds my destiny.
I look at you
I see the sea
calm waves of you
gently caressing me
I see the ocean
in your eyes
they're pulling me in
I don't look away
that was my mistake
the ocean was beautiful
it was a magical sight
but I couldn't breathe
and I couldn't swim
but you seemed nice
it looked right
you looked right
there was no more air
I was sinking
my lungs ablaze
every drop of you consuming me
I closed my eyes
I couldn't see how nice it was
you felt wrong
the ocean killed me that night
but if I would've knew
have never looked into those eyes
The world is an ocean
Thick and raging waves
With shoals of people
Rainbows of colour
Beautiful to see and hear
Sad they don’t all get along
Their colours combined would amaze
Salted spray, cracked lips and sore throats
They talk through the ache anyway
Gallons of water never to drink
There are no tears in the sea to blink
On the other side of the lakes edge
You might say it must be right
That when I throw a rock in the water,
The ripples touch the other side.
With light transparent patterns,
A spider weaves webs like silk,
Every strings placement matters
No matter a leaf or branches tilt.
So if you feel your being watched,
Ever think it might be so?
The spiral made from leaf to leaf
Catches rarities that come and go.
Just as I was thinking this,
I felt I was being watched,
As though someplace in my midst
The sound of footsteps stopped.
Searching for a picture of you as in vain,
I thought I heard you start to laugh,
Saw your raven hair so I flipped through again,
One thing I know is that we're never going back...
Every excuse imaginable pours out and the velocity of each excuse is almost as defensive as the mechanism which stops turning your lungs into a fountain. I don’t know what TV shows you watch or what books you choose to read but allowing yourself to sink isn’t as simple or glamorous as most characters would find it. You could take every prescription pill imaginable or be on the bad side of somebody with homicidal tendencies, but there is no suffering like choking on what is fundamentally here to sustain your existence. Some people find water romantic, relaxing or frightening and others see it as an escape, a way of finding peace or just falling down the rabbit hole. I can advise you now, after you drown there is no wonderland and once your plump fluid-filled body is fished out of the water, you are not Alice. In fact, you never were Alice and you never will be, but you could’ve been. You could fill your lungs with spirits or smoke or maybe nothing at all. I can guarantee either one of these would probably get you closer to wonderland than submersing yourself in your local lake or taking a bad trip and gulping down more than your own weight in liquid.