We tend to focus on the wrong things, forgetting what's important
When I was six years old I thought that life was always happy
But as I grew up my mind got contorted
Into what people whispered under their breath
And the word 'love' being thrown around like it was nothing
When I reached the age of seventeen my view of life was death
I now understand that love isn't always true
And that some men can't own up to their mistakes
For the longest time my parents didn't think I knew
But it's very hard to hide fake love in front of a teen
Because school did teach me at least one thing
It was that adults aren't always truthful to young kids like me
Because they don't want to mess up the family 'dynamic'
But what they didn't realize is that it had been screwed up for years
Yeah, I've downed a couple beers
If I keep things from them, of course they're keeping secrets from me
Mom, you don't have to lie to me
I've seen worse things
I just wish you would tell me the truth
Is there a reason you're sleeping in a different room?
Dad, please stop disappearing
I don't know where you go but mom would like to know
You don't answer your phone
You act as if you're not apart of our family
Your cover is blown
You eat at the dinner table absently
You never have time for us
Check your watch it's almost seven
You should be home by now
You would have thought you'd learn your lesson
I can't do this
Watch my family fall apart
It's been going on long enough
It breaks my fucking heart
Please stop this
I didn't ask for a separated family
When I was young we were so great
What happened to that fantasy
I grew up
That's what happened
I started to realize through my grown up eyes
That life isn't what it looks like on the outside
You have to look deep within to notice all the lies
The husband is a cheater
The mother is a forgiver
The son has been gone
But the daughter was like a river
She cried all night
Asking God why is this happening?
My family has been falling apart
And you sit back as it's unraveling
Help her!
She's my mother and I love her
She's hurting and she's trying
But she never gets anything in return
Help him!
He's my father and I love him
He's disappearing and he's blind
And he doesn't see what's right in front of him
A family who loves him
But he's been looking for other things
We try to give him all his needs
But we fail to do so
And the darkness proceeds
I get jealous of these other kids
With the families that are together
They care for one another
And they play games every night
They go out to eat on the weekends
And I'm stuck here despite
All the stories I have about our wonderful past
Too bad that we couldn't last
We had so many more adventures to go on
I wish I was six years old again
But I guess we can't all win
So I'll sit back on the sidelines
And watch my family slip by
This is the year my family fell apart
Not together in distance and never in heart.

Rotten, starving souls stuck in cages
Ground up in mills or factories or farms
I care
Because
They remind me of myself.
I can relate to being kicked
And bruised and broken
By the sister who let razors kiss her wrists
But I guess it wasn't enough to hurt
And ruin herself.
Not enough to get
Rid of the stench of our family
Our perfect, suburban family
Wrought with screams and shouts.
It wasn't enough to grab
My hair and cut it off
To fulfil some deep, dark abyss of anger and jealousy
But now?
Now she wants me
To
Forgive
Her.

Oh father, father, father.
Where have you gone?
What have you done?
There is a ghost that beginning to look a little like you.
Lets raise a toast, father.
To the man that is never home,
To the man who does not love,
To the man who never has a plan.

Oh, father, father, father.
Look at what you have done.
Your children have stopped caring.
Your wife has given up.
Who do you have left?
You live here, but you may as well not.
You make these promises and stab us in the back.


I love you, daddy.
Can't you see?
You've ruined me.
You've ruined my siblings.
You've ruined my mother.


Remember? Always and forever?
I think it is time to let go,
and say our goodbyes.

I feel like I am drowning,
Every single day.
I hate my own being,
I hate my own family.
What even is family?
Family is your own blood,
A little bit of yourself in every person,
A tight knit group of people who are your heaven.
Although, what happens if that isn’t the case?
What happens if you wish they weren’t your blood,
What happens if you wish you did not share the same
Personality and gestures as them?
What happens if your family is not a tight knit group of people and
They are not your heaven, but simply your hell?

What then?

take the pain and down it through what will be hollow
we learn to know the truth as it's shown...
are you ready to see the ghosts of the silence?
the kids can't sleep here after all...

your hands are in your pockets when you're face hurts,
and your body's no longer frozen by the door...
you're not the only one who knows you're washing it down,
the kids can't sleep here after all...

I wish I could live in the same house
As my brothers and my little sisters
I wish I could sleep under the same roof
As my family does

I wish the same shingles that cover my birth giver
And the same blankets that cover my male parental unit
Covered me

I wish.

But, there are a few things that come between
The intentional emotional detachment
The loving abusive comments
The lying, aggression and confrontation, those definitely factor in

But you know when God closes a door he opens a window
But when you don't have a door to lock and hide behind, God can't close it.

But the creepy old man
Who's touched me
And tried to touch me
The way my mouth taste like metal when I bite my tongue to keep from screaming in fustration
The way my body freezes as his claws dig into my leg
The way my mind breaks down like crumbs of a cookie

That is to much to bear.

I have a question.

?.

When you got your Daddy card did you skip over the fine print? Did you forget your glasses so that you couldn't read? Did you just skim over it to fast so that it didn't register? You know, the part where it says protection?

Provision. You got that down pat. No doubt about it. But I mean 50%? That's not a pass by any grading system.

Daughter.
It slips off the end of my tongue and tries to crawl back in. So many times have I had to retreat within myself because I was not under your wings.

Do I love you? Yes.
Do I trust you? Not with a spoon.
Not with my heart, not with myself.

Does that sadden my soul? Oh Lord does it ever.
I wish it was another way.
I wish I could live in your house.
But a house of hell is not one I can call home.

-Xoxo

Little rocks,
will one find the river's touch,
what if one was taken away,
and placed in a lake,
with tiny fishes that swim then go,
will you find your way to be its river?

No current, no rush,
just the wind that never reaches the ground.
poor little rock,
pathetic and lifeless,
just another addition to an earthly invention.

River, river, river,
they said rivers are people,
always moving, always loud,
they leave silent imprints,
that can build and crash,
will that little rock be part of its life?

They said rivers are people,
I've only met one,
rafted through my memories,
then to its brilliant water,
I met the Great River.

Bone of My Bone

Deep in my bones I could feel your voice,
calling out to me; like I had no choice:

My daughter, my daughter, please understand..
that I would be with you to hold your hand.

You see, there was this system that was built just for me,
To keep me separated from my family.

All I ever wanted was for you to be mine;
But these folks keep adding more and more time. 

You see, after awhile this place feels like home to Me,
then They start to feel like My family.

I know this may hurt, but it's the twisted truth.
You see, they planned it all, while I was just a youth.

I was strategically placed in this militarized zone.
But I know that I'm deep inside your bones.

So don't worry, my strong brave girl,
I am still working to give you my entire world.

I will be the man, the father, the hero, you need.
Because baby girl, all I want is to see you succeed.

Be smarter, wiser, more patient than I
and your dreams will exceed that sky.

Now!! I can feel you in MY bones!!  
Because baby girl, I wanna come home.

But while I'm still in, I just need you to be,
Everything to me, that you were meant to see in me.