the shower is the only place private enough
for me to cry and not be noticed
i turn the hot water all the way up
the more i burn my back the less i feel
bad about where i am
i spent fifteen years wishing you'd be here for me more
but now i feel guilty wishing that you'd leave me alone
i even told my mother that i wanna get as far away as possible
i watched as her heart broke
what kind of fucked up son says that to his mom?
it takes a special kind of stupid
for us to argue when we're both wrong
and what's ironic is that we're so similar
we both just wanted to impress each other
but i'm running towards the bar
just trying to make you smile
but every time that i get close
it moves along another mile
i just want to sit down and cry
but you tried and tried
to get through night school
to provide for your kids
so how selfish can i be?
how can i hate you
when you're killing yourself to put food on our plates
i feel so fucking obnoxious
complaining about you
when all you want to do is help
but i'm an echo chamber and you're yelling
and accidentally building my hell

If I hug you tighter, will I imprint you in my arms?
So I can carry you with me,
past the heavens,
past the rain,
past the pain.

I’ll hold your every ache on my back,
till I turn to cosmic dust.
When I seize to exist,
is the only time you can leave me in the mist.

I know that’s selfish of me,
but you I truly need.
Don’t forget you’re the one who told me my mind plays tricks on me.
You’re the one who told me to go grow on my own.

You said you’d always be there,
and I’m not letting you go,
before I let go.

One day we’ll shine down with the stars together,
and join the sun feeding all your favorite roses,
but till that day the soils are our home,
no matter where the other goes.

I loathe myself for loving you
Despise the way I care
I continue to throw myself at your feet
Lay my heart out bare

You are self-centered and thoughtless
Living your life without regard
For a child you left behind
Is saying “I love you” really that hard?

Why do you distance yourself?
Is it because I remind you of my dad?
All the pain you caused
And the life you could have had?

Though I walk a fine line
Of replicating your mistake
I know I won’t
The thought makes my chest ache

I want to repair our relationship
I long to let my heart mend
Make up for lost time
Before we reach the end

If there was a language for walls,
It would mumble from broken jaws.
The sun would shine through fragmented holes,
The windows would magnify heat,
Until all was engulfed.

With confirmed dead inside.
None knock as they read inscribed:

"Family tree,
Difficulty,
Unavailable."

"Family business,
Buy one,
One comes free,
Fire wood sale."

You say that your friends
Can find a welcoming ear
In their time of need

But I know
Of hundreds of shouting matches
Half as many protested more-than-hugs
Days in and out of manipulation and deceit on both sides
Years of saying "you have no right to feel that way"
Many doged questions
Minutes shouting down every expression that you disproved of
Several iterations of "you'll die alone"
Days and nights hidden in offside rooms for fear
A few good slaps
And a laptop against the wall at age eight
That all demand to differ