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Mariana 4d
Friends and family often ask me what suffering from bipolar is like
I always give the same cookie-cutter response.
It is comprised of really high highs
It also has really low lows and
If you are fortunate enough you have periods of baseline.
I  have never been able to explain that complexity in my head.
I was never been able to explain the pain and suffering that has been happening for over 8 years.

I was never able to explain that the lows are sometimes last months or years of hate and self-loathing.
I was never able to explain the thought never stops you can not eat, sleep, or breathe without feeling pain.
I was never able to explain that you feel like your drowning and
       you are using all your energy to stay afloat that it is easier to just give up some time and sink.
I was never able to explain that everything is spinning out of control that you cling on to anything you can.
I was never able to explain that the hurtful thing I caused to myself
       was out of survival to show to myself I could still control
               something, anything in a place that feels like you will never feel stable again.

I was never able to explain how the highs are not highs they are a
  monster dressed as an angle that seduces you to believe that things are better.
I was never able to explain how that demon pushes you past all your limits until you find yourself alone and drained.
I was never able to explain the addiction to the feeling of happiness that comes on occasions with the highs
I was never able to explain that after living in darkness for so long the high is all you can ask for even if you know it will hurt you.

If I had to explain to people now what it is like to suffer from bipolar disorder is like, I would say it is exhausting.
The thoughts never end.
They never stop no matter how depressed or manic you are.
You lie awake all night because you can not silence them.
You wake up before sunrise because your awoken by the racing of the thoughts.
Your brain never stops.
You are left on the floor immobilized unable to do anything but listen to your head feeding you lies.
You are left with a body that can no longer function.
You are left exhausted and that feeling never goes away.
If I had to describe bipolar disorder in one word it would be
Exhaustion
Once upon a dreadful Tuesday night
a sorrowful girl was full of fright
her meek hands grasp the ropes
fiddling them, her mind overdriven by hopes
the single black ties cut into her skin
watching from above he began to form a grin
a growing evil from within  
the lawless power unsettled like gin
it drizzled above her, pouring onto the rough ropes
talking slanders above her, destroying her hopes.
Completed on 9/25/20. The first line is inspired by my favorite poet Edger Allan Poe.
Moon in the sky
You shine from time to time
But when I miss you
You’re invisible to the naked eye

I look throughout the whole world
Searching for your light
You live within my dreams
I can only remember you
Through my memories

You have the power to make me feel strong
You also can make me feel frail
I’m overwhelmed by your gravity

All that matters is your presence
Pull me from side to side
Push me past the shores
Give me life to rule the world
I need you,
More than ever before
tia Oct 1
"my body is tired with torn hands
I want to be perfect, more and more
but nothing changes, it only ever hurts"

"when will you be happy?"

"never... I live miserably,
wanting to work myself to exhaustion
waiting for death's release of this worthless vessel
that hates me deeply
perishing underneath dirt and pebble
no one will want me, need me
I will be forgotten and my ideals of perfection soon to be rotten"
Aa Harvey Sep 23
Heavy Feather


Life is on top of me, eating my soul.
Whatever happened to all the hope?
People come and people go.
Why am I unable to just say no?


I am weak in a world of warriors.
Feeble mind, broken pieces of truth.
All life has done is make me a worrier.
All this pain is nothing new.


From the darkness comes a hope.
She is light inside a shadow.
I run to love with all I know.
Still haven’t learned; soon saying “Ow!”


Heavy Feather weighing me down under water.
Subconsciously I am falling apart.
Make me a bird so I can fly back further,
Before all of this when I had a heart.


Before I decided to put on the bird suit,
I had dignity and a body of my own,
But lately all I do is try to soothe,
The flesh burned skin-suit I call a home.


(C)2020 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.
Lacy Aug 21
Don't get conscious of what you're doing look at what you're doing

actually see is it worth it are you going to get a feeling from it? do you not want to do it anymore ?

do you know why you're doing this ?

you know why your about to die ?

you know you don't like this world
it's not accepting of who you are

you gave up and pulled the trigger
You killed yourself

You  said goodbye to society
goodbye to friends
goodbye to family

You said goodbye to the sun of the moon of the Earth that you once lived on

now you're gone
the only thing I hate about death is I would like to ask the person who died are you finally happy that your dead and gone.
You know I really do need help
I can't help my self
Can u be amused to ur own sickness?
Marian Solis Aug 15
He is my sun and I am but a wild flower:
A beauty from a little, insipid race.
Loosing my chance to be noticed,
For there are better flowers than me.

He is my sun and I am but a flower
I live from the light of his at day;
Shiver from the dark when he is away
With this fragile, ephemeral body.

He is my sun and I am but a flower
I envy the clouds for they are always together
With my dearest sun that I fancy above all
And here I am, rooted still on the ground.

He is my sun and I am but a flower
Cursed to gaze at him from birth to death
Until I bow my bald head on my grave
And drop my last, unobtrusive petal.
Shreya Das Aug 9
You told me those who believe in love,
are the ones with the weakest heart
So did I really not expect it,
when you tore my heart apart?
false promises
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